That’s an Empty Ute September 14, 2005
My ultrasound went well this morning. There was no retained tissue, my ovaries were clear, and my lining was thin. It was definitely empty in there. I was relieved, though. The thought of medical intervention after going through the stuff I’ve already gone through was not something that I wanted to deal with.
I found out my actual beta number from yesterday, too. It was 594. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be that high if there’s nothing left in there, but hopefully it will continue to fall at a decent rate. I have another beta scheduled for next Tuesday, so I guess we’ll find out what it’s up to then.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past few days. It’s definitely a process to go about trying to figure out how you feel about what comes next. As part of all of that, I did some thinking about the comments to this post. Please excuse the discombobulated nature of what follows.
The age factor does play a role in all of this. On one hand, we should have an advantage since we’re young, I’ve got youngish eggs, etc. On the other hand, it’s frustrating that it’s not working even with all of that going for us. It makes it harder to walk away because it should be working. Along with that comes the fact that no one can tell us why it’s not. I think if someone could give us a reason why that it would be easier to accept that our chances aren’t great.
Technically speaking we do have time to make this decision since we’re still young. However, we’ve waited long enough. Hell, we’re coming up on the four year mark of this trying to conceive business. I don’t want to take a break. The waiting is one of the hardest parts for me. I want our child yesterday. That’s why I’ve been able to cycle back to back this past year.
It’s been ingrained in a lot of our brains that if you work hard enough and long enough that you can do anything. That’s the tough part about IVF. That just doesn’t apply. It’s hard to accept that.
Now with regards to our other options: donor sperm, adoption, etc, I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to fully put my heart into any of those things unless I close the door on IVF. That’s just me. I can see the appeal of knowing that the option is available in the future, but I don’t think I’ll be able to move on if I don’t say the end with regards to IVF.
I think sometimes it does make it harder to consider other family building options after we’ve been given the opportunity to do IVF/ICSI. I think it might have been easier if we would have never had that choice in the first place. Not that I’m not thankful for the opportunity. That’s totally not it. I just think switching gears from trying to conceive a biological child to something else is harder since we’ve come so close with IVF. I mean, we’ve have conceived with my eggs and my husband’s sperm. We just haven’t made it to the live baby part.
That’s another thing. It’s hard for me to think that my only experience with pregnancy might be miscarriage. That’s really hard to wrap my brain around.
I know I’m just rambling, but it helps to get all of this stuff out. Thank goodness for my blog, because I’m sure I’d drive my husband crazy talking about all of this stuff all the time. Hell, I do anyway, but it would be much worse.
Thank you for all of your comments and insight. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one that’s been put in this position. Although, I hate that any us have to be here. I’m glad that each of us has been or will be able to determine the right thing for our families. That’s what ultimately matters most.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
It’s really hard to know what to do and I’ve also sometimes found myself thinking that I wish the IVF/ICSI option wasn’t even out there. I mean, unfortunately, it just doesn’t work for everyone and it’s really frustrating when you don’t even know why it’s not working. It makes one think there’s always a chance it will work and it’s hard to close the door on it when there is still a chance. If the option wasn’t there, I might have already adopted a child by now and just be enjoying being a parent.
Anyway, now I’m rambling and not being very helpful!! Sorry! I really wish I could advise you on what to do but I don’t think there is a clear right or wrong choice to make here unfortunately. Hopefully, your heart will lead you in the best direction.
I think there is definitiely something to “that it is hard to have choices”. Before ever actually believeing that my husband and I would have fertility problems, I always said in hypothetical conversations I would never do IVF. Then for a short time it looked like that if we were going to conceive that it would only be IVF/ICSI (severe male factor). I jumped on that option quick. Did a complete turn around from everything I ever thought. Having someone say that they have a way to give you your heart’s desire is not something that is easy to walk away from. Further testing showed that IVF was not even an option for us unless we used donor sperm, which I did not want. It was easy at that point to embrace adoption as our family building plan because the chance to have a bio kid for me and my husband was gone. Easy is a little misleading. There was a lot of grieving (still is), alot of fears about adoption (still is), but it was easy to see that it was the right decision for us. We were DTC in May. I do not know where we would be if someone was still holding out hope for us to conceive. I know that the extreme pain we felt everytime that opportunity slipped farther away, tells me we would have done anything. In many ways I consider myself blessed to have the options taken away from me so I did not have to make the choices you are making now. I do believe, and I am never this hearts and flowers happy, is that you will have a baby. If that is your dream it will happen. It may not happen how you wanted or planned but it will happen. You will get there. And we will all be cheering you along the way.
No real insights here, just thinking of you.
I’m glad the ultrasound went well for you, at least one small break there. These decisions are incredibly hard. I too did not think I would go IVF, now we’re looking at ICSI and IVF seems the ‘natural’ option.
As I (and C) get older and the options start to close down around us I sometimes feel we are being shunted along a corridor through smaller and smaller doors. I hope we get the door we want eventually but there’s no promises.
Thank you for this insightful post — it’s so true that choices are a double-edged sword. It reminds me of something I read when I was single and dealing with bad breakups: that often, strangely, the person who does the breaking up takes longer to recover (because he/she made the choice, and thus does more second-guessing). It’s so hard to know when to break up with a given parenthood path.
I wish there were definitive answers to be found somewhere. Congratulations for having the guts to fight through this difficult decision-making process. Thinking of you.
I’ll admit, it was reading your responses that prompted me to write my post on age.
As for options, it’s so awful trying to decide, even when you think options have been taken away/aren’t good options.
I’m glad you don’t have to worry about undergoing any procedures after what you’ve gone through.
I admire you for being so eloquent and honest throughout all of the hell you’ve been enduring.
Amanda, I know the pain of being a “fertile” infertile and the frustration of not knowing why a pregnancy didn’t make it to term. I wish I could do more for you than just sympathize!
I feel the same about having to close the door on one project before opening another. Call this what you will, but it sounds to me like you’ll always wonder if you didn’t go for #4. Hellacious time my friend, keep breathing and vicodining.