At an Impasse September 18, 2005
There are two words that I never wanted to hear uttered from my husband’s mouth. This morning I heard them. “I’m done,” he said, and he truly meant it. He didn’t just mean with IVF. He meant with everything. No more cycles, no adoption, no nothing.
How, as someone who knows without a doubt that they want children, do you deal with that? I know in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. That yearning for a child just cannot be turned off. I want it so very badly.
My husband, like many men, has been keeping stuff bottled up inside. This morning, it all came out. He’s hurting. We’re both hurting. We’re just dealing with it in very different ways.
This morning was tough. How can that not be tough? I know that my marriage is strong enough to survive this, though.
All I can do now is love my husband and give him time. I need to do the very thing that I am worst at, be patient. Oh, that’s so hard, but I know it’s what he needs. He needs me to back off, and I’m going to try my hardest. It’s just so contradictory to what comes natural to me. I need to push on, but right now I don’t have anything to push on to. I know that I need to do this patient thing right now. The pushing on will have to take a back seat for the time being.
I can only hope that my husband will change his mind. That after he’s had a break from all of this that he’ll reconsider moving forward with IVF or adoption or something else that will hopefully get us closer to our child. I know I can’t just tell him what to do or how to feel, though. That’s just not fair to him or to our possible future child.
I haven’t given up hope. I can’t. A piece of my heart is missing, and I can’t give up until it’s filled. I can give my husband what he needs right now, but I will not give up on that dream.
We all know that infertility is tough on a marriage. The further you travel down that road, the harder it gets. It’s no surprise that after almost four years trying to conceive, nearly two years of infertility treatment, and five IVF/FET cycles that it’s getting really tough. I know that we’ll make it, though. I have no doubt.
I honestly don’t know how this will work out. Only time will tell. Until then I will hold my husband close and hope with all of my heart that we come through this even closer than we already are.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I feel your pain, truly. My 1st IVF was a gloriously positive beta…that turned into a chemical and then our perfect FET ended in miscarriage. After a consult with another RE and learning of some immunological issues that I’d long suspected, my husband also said no more. After many tears, fights, etc, we figured out how to deal with the grief from the miscarriage *and* the loss of our dreams - and now we’re hard-core into the paperchase to bring our daughter home from China. He who was adamantly opposed to adoption has done a complete 360 and is 110% on board.
My advice - take some time and don’t give up hope. It’s amazing how things can work out.
All the best to you - you’re in my thoughts.
Amanda, I too hope you get through this stronger than before. Last April my husband also said that he was done. I was desperately unhappy, so afraid that if I stopped that my life would remain perpetually in the same unhappy state it was then. I gave him the space, though, and within 2 months he brought up the possibility of future attempts or adoption. I am hoping that it is the same for you.
Good luck, sweetie. Hang in there.
Oh Amanda I am so sorry to hear that - I am really hoping that the messages of hope from the other commenters play out for you as well. I’m sure that the waiting is indeed the hardest part.
Amanda I’m very sorry, this must be terribly hard for you. I agree with giving a little and space. It seems like the guys find it hard to vent and talk out their stresses and fears as they go along, instead letting it bottle up until it’s unbearable.
I’m sure this is something he wants just as badly as you. It’s just at the moment he feels he can’t take the trauma and pain of going through the process.
I agree with the otehrs, I’m sure this will change. Don’t give up.
Oh Amanda. Yet another challenge for you. I admire your ability to support your husband’s need for time when it goes against your most basic instincts and need to move forward. I hope that he’ll support your need to continue to discuss and keep the dialogue open, without making any definitive decisions as well.
It is sooo hard on a marriage. There were times I wasn’t sure we should go on anyway because it was killing us. The months following a miscarriage were the hardest. I hope after you both have some time to heal you’ll both come to a decision that works for you both.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. This shit is scary enough without worrying that your partner is not on the same page. I think you show remarkable love and understanding by recognizing he needs his emotional space to deal with everything y’all have gone through. I’m just so sorry sweetie that you’re going through this dark time.
I’m sorry you are in this spot right now, Amanda. A very very difficult situation, and you sound like you are handling it with grace. You’re are strong woman! I will be thinking of you and your husband, and pray things work out in the end for you both.
Amanda, you’re very wise to give your husband time and space. He’s grieving right now and he will likely feel differently when he’s had some time to process everything. I know that after every miscarriage, I’ve always been the one to say, “No more!”, and I always mean it at the time. Then the reality of “no more” sinks in and I know we have to keep trying. I’m keeping good thoughts for you both.
He is hurting and needs to heal. So do you. He will come around. You are smart to give him time and not pressure him right now.
IF is so hard- you’ve got it all worked out, but the toughest part is waiting. So sorry my friend.
Amanda, You’re clearly doing the right thing. A friend of mine’s partner was adamantly opposed to having children, for years and years. When eventually they got pregnant (they didn’t have any trouble, damn them), I asked him why he changed his mind. “Because otherwise I would have lost H.,” he said.
Your husband will get there, I’m sure. He just needs a break. The two of you together are strong enough to handle this.
But I’m sorry you have to ‘handle’ anything at all.
I hope you and your husband make it onto the same page soon. I can’t even imagine going through all this shit if we weren’t on the same page. I’m sorry it’s so hard. Hang in there, and you will be surprised how many men will change their minds. I’ve seen it first-hand with a lot of my friends.
Amanda, I’m so sorry you had to hear the dreaded words. I know that feeling as I recently had to hear the words I dreaded most - didn’t level, but hurtful all the same. My thoughts are with you two as you work through this some how, some way.
Oops, I meant “different level”, not “didn’t level”. Sorry!
My heart goes out to both of you. I’m in awe of your strength and ability to support yourself husband through this Hellish point in your lives. I get a sense that you two are truly a team, which is really what’s important right now. Good luck.
I came across your site from another and wanted to offer some hope. I am 46 and my husband and I married when I was 39 and were fast tracked into IVF Hell within 6 months due to my previously undiagnosed PCOS and his male factor issues. We did 4 IVFs with my eggs with only 2 m/c’s to show for it. THEN we did 2 Donor Egg cycles - both big fat negatives too.
Somewhere in that process my DH said the same thing as yours - I am done. He was mostly hurting and also did not know any more how to help my deep pain.
We went to counseling together and talked. It was so hard not to panic and allow him some time as I am a lot older than you. But I did and he eventually embraced adoption. I am happy to say we adopted via open adoption at birth a wonderful baby girl last July.
Men process loss and grief so differently. Your plan to embrace your husband right now tightly is EXACTLY what he needs. The husbands tend to feel they get lost in this process and as problem solvers - get so hurt when they cannot fix things.
Good Luck!
The waiting, for me, has always been by far the roughest. I am so damn sorry that that is where you are right now.
The deep love and strength of your marriage shine through every word of this post.
I’m sorry how tough this all is. You both need time. He’ll come around. It’s good to have that space for now. I’ve been where he is now and it’s hard. But my husband and I have worked through it.
Just know that I am thinking of you……and your husband. Infertility is an awful hell.
All my love,
So sorry you are going through this. It just sounds like he needs a little space, & maybe some time to let it all out. My DH would be quiet & let me wail then every once in a while he would have a total meltdown. They think their superheros, trying to be strong for us. I marvel at your resources, how strong YOU are. I hope you get what your heart desires.
What everyone else has said. You are very wise to realize that your husband needs a little space and time to regroup. You are very generous to give it to him. That kind of love is what will see you through. He may also not want to subject you to any more pain, and this may be the only way he knows how. IF is hell indeed. I feel for you, and wish you strength and courage, of the kind you are showing now.
hey sweetling, am so sad you are in this position of waiting to see what is going to happen it’s not fair none of this crud if fair, but honey your hubby like so many hurts each time you do it’s his dream that gets crushed each time things go haywire too, only unlike us (women in general) men don’t seem to have the same bounce back try again mode to fall back on. He wants a family with you 4 years of trying tells you that he’ll mend and be ready to try again in whatever form it takes your both right he just needs some time to mend first.
huge hugs comin out to you we’re all here for you when it gets too hard to keep inside .. waiting sux.
xox
It is very hard not to push treatment amd face the possibility that there is no next time. But I really hope this is not the end and that he just need some time to process all this.
The above comments say it all. Just wanted you to know that I’ll be thinking about you and your husband and sending good thoughts. IF is hard on couples, and seeing you suffer physically as well as emotionally through all this must also be really hard on your husband. Hugs to you.
Need I say again - Waiting Sucks.
I’m sorry, Amanda. I know this is hard. You have time, and it might do both of you some good to take a break. I know that doesn’t help a damn bit, but I keep telling myself it has to be true. A break might help me get more perspective…yeah and pigs might fly too, but ::shrug:: will we or won’t, the waiting is upon us.
I’m sorry.