In a Major Funk October 7, 2005
I haven’t been doing fabulously the past few days. I know the symptoms of depression well, not because of my lovely degree in Psychology which I never use, but because I’ve lived it. I can feel myself slipping back into that dark hole, somewhere I never ever want to go again.
It’s not a good thing that I haven’t been able to do the simplest tasks or make the simplest decisions. It’s not a good thing that I’ve popped a Vicodin each of the past couple of days just to make me feel a little better. It’s not a good thing that I’m just not me right now.
I have no doubt that the change in hormones that happens when you go from being pregnant to no longer being pregnant helped jump start all of this. I’m sure the grief that accompanies a miscarriage doesn’t help either.
I know how bad this is, but I also know how bad it isn’t. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does for me. I guess what I mean is that I can recognize what’s happening to me and what’s not good about the situation, but I can also recognize that the situation is not at the critical point right now. I’ve been there before, and I am not there right now. I guess this is my way of saying that I’ll know when/if I need outside help. I’m not there yet.
I guess it’s not surprising to take someone with not only a family history, but a personal history, of depression and put her through the hell I’ve been through and have her end up being depressed. I guess what I’m surprised about is that it’s taken this long to hit me.
I know I’ll be ok. I have no doubt. I will come out of this in one piece. Like everything else, it’s just going to take some time.
The good news of the week is that my parents and grandparents are now at home. They got power back and made the trip home on Wednesday. I’m sure they are all relieved to be sleeping in their own beds again.
My husband and I are making the trip over there tomorrow morning to help with the clean up effort. My husband will be coming back home on Sunday because of work, but I’ll be staying all week. I really think this will be good for me for a number of reasons. It always makes me feel good to help other people. Plus, it will be good for me to get outside and work my ass off. I’ve been working out a lot lately, but doing manual labor outside will do me good. I think the distraction from all of this infertility stuff won’t hurt either.
This is just another bump in the road. It’s a pretty big one, but there is more road to be traveled on the other side. I will make it over the bump and keep on my merry way someday, hopefully someday soon. I haven’t let any of the other bumps stand in my way, and I won’t let this one either.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
if you weren’t depressed it would be more worrying, honey your a strong woman but these knocks you had would KO anyone.
Very happy to hear your family are back home and safe, I do hope life returns to normal quickly for them and those affected by the hurricanes.
Having been through many many many majordepressive episodes, lately I’ve found that setting a small goal for myself each day has helped. Even if it’s just taking a shower, because some days it’s really damn hard to do even that. I’m sure you know how to handle it though, just wanted to share what’s been working for me lately. I’ll be thinking about you.
Sounds like a great plan! I hope you have an emotionally successful and therapeutic week. Just being in a different environment should help, and using your time to help others will, itself, make you feel better. Good luck!
Amanda – I’m so sorry this has put you into a funk. I’ve never suffered from real depression, but i’ve seen a friend live through it – I know it’s just so hard. I hope you are continuing to ask for what you need. Are you seeing a counsellor re the grief?
I can’t completely relate, but after my most recent miscarriage (third), I’ve been having trouble coping more this time. The depression has been there, but I’m still on the edge, hanging on by my fingertips to stay out of that pit.
I’ve been “lucky” in that my numbers drop FAST, but it means I have that drive to go try again without necessarily being “ready” for it.
::sigh:: I know this probably isn’t the time or place to share it, but I wanted to tell you that I am often FORCED ;-) to read your blog at night by my son. He has a speech disorder, I think you’ve peeked at my blog before…anyway, he will sit on my lap and struggle and struggle and finally blurt out “NANA!” I thought at first he wanted to EAT a banana…but no…he wanted me to go to your blog. :-) So now I’m checking in several times a day so that Ryan can have his “NANA!” fix LOL
I love reading your work, you are poignant and honest. I’m also glad you know what you need (and WHEN). This isn’t an easy time, and you’re really doing amazing.
Down with bumps, I say. It is completely understandable that you feel this way, Amanda. You would not be normal otherwise. Like you say, you know it is not the worst. I hope that you don’t get all the way to the bottom this time.
You are being kind to yourself, which is the best thing to do right now, and cutting yourself some slack too..:)
Good luck with the cleanup.
Oh honey – why didn’t you say?
“I know how bad this is, but I also know how bad it isn’t.” Yes, I know what you mean and am glad that you are so aware.
I’ll miss you next week, but you’re absolutely right – hope the folks are doing well!
Amanda, you are fantastic. The way you are able to recognise and analyse the way you are feeling is incredible. You have been through so much of late (and I include all the hurricane stuff in there too), no wonder you feel this way.
Good luck with the cleanup. In some ways it may function as a sort of ritual for you too, putting things in order etc.
I hope you are ok and the week goes well for you.
Oh Amanda,
The fucking bumps suck so bad. I’m sorry you are feeling low. Yes, it’s tuff indeed my friend. I hope that spending time with your family helps you out some. Thinking of you.
I’m so hoping that this week will be healing for you. I have a family and personal history of depression as well and I know how hard it can be to pull yourself up when everything seems bleak. Hang in there.
I too have a psych. degree which I never used (actually a Masters to make it even worse)! I know what you mean about being able to recognize what is going on with yourself mentally and being able to tell when it’s at the point where you need outside help. As a recovered anorexic, I’m also prone to depression (and addiction). I’m always able to recognize when I’m starting to have problems but it’s still hard for me to seek outside help as I feel like I know everything there is to know and should be able to sort myself out!
I think the dropping hormone levels are probably playing a big role in how you’re feeling but, at the same time, you’ve been through a tremendous amount so it’s not like your feelings are out of proportion to what’s going on in your life. I think some time away where you are distracted doing something else, especially helping others like you said, might be good for you. I’m sure you know better than anyone how this infertility stuff tends to take over one’s entire life and make one isolated. I hope you come back feeling a little more recharged and like your old self.
So sorry you are feeling so badly. I know what you mean, it’s hard to pull yourself out of the hole. I hope helping out your family helps – thinking of you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this down period but how could you not…you’ve been to hell and back. Despite everything, you are such a strong person, I continue to be so impressed by it.
Thinking of you Amanda and hope you are doing well.
You’ve been through so much in the past few months. I remember when you were able to block out your own personal pain to deal with the hurricane(s) and thinking how strong you were. I hope you are able to take this time for yourself and work through the funk. I’ve been thinking about you lots.
it’s a bitch isn’t it?
force yourself to move your body but be easy on yourself too.
your blog and others like it remind me that i’m not alone. and that makes me a little less depressed. . .
Hope you’re OK, Amanda. Thinking of you.
Just checking in to see how you’re doing. Thinking of you.
THinking of you & checking for a new update- Pls let us know how you are.