More Plan B Ramblings November 1, 2005
I have to say that I feel really good about our Plan B. It was definitely a process to get to this point, but it feels damn good to get here.
Last night my husband and I watched a short video that was included in one of the agency info packets that I had requested. Afterwards we talked some more about Plan B. You know, I think if it was up to my husband that Plan B would become the new Plan A. I think he’d rather just bypass this last IVF cycle all together.
Sometimes I think I might be inclined to agree. There are a few issues keeping me from doing that, though. One major one is the wait. Since we can’t start the process for a year, we’re looking at approximately a 2.5 year wait. That’s so freaking long.
Sometimes it feels like we’re doing this next cycle because we’ve got nothing better to do while we wait. At least we’ll be doing something, ya know. We’re definitely not going into it thinking we’ll pull the miracle pregnancy out of the hat. I guess, for me, it’s a way of finally being able to close the door. I guess I need a final farewell cycle.
Going into this IVF crap, we had a plan. That plan has definitely changed over time. I don’t think it’s realistic to go into IVF thinking that “we’ll only do two cycles” or whatever number you want to stick in there. It’s not like we didn’t do it, but it just doesn’t work that way.
Some people are lucky and never have to readjust their plan. They get their take home baby on cycle #1 or 2 and don’t have to reevaluate the situation time and time again. There are others of us who aren’t that lucky. After you use up your preplanned number of cycles and are left empty handed, you have to do some real soul searching. Not to say that you don’t have to soul search in order to jump into the IVF world in the first place, but, for me, the major soul searching began after we had gone through a number of failed cycles.
I know that I couldn’t have come to this place after cycle #2, 3, or 4. It’s obvious from my previous posts that I wasn’t even close. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that adoption is something that we think is a good option, but that we’re just not there yet. Well, we’re there now, and I know that we had to go through five cycles to get there. We couldn’t have gotten here anyway else.
Sometimes it’s easy to regret throwing all of this time and money away trying IVF again and again. I have to remember that this is how it had to be. I wouldn’t be in this place if things had gone any other way.
So, we will be doing this final farewell cycle. I guess there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that it could work. If it does, great. If it doesn’t then that’s ok, too. We’re now at the point where we’re not focusing on a kid with my husband’s eyes, or my hair, or our color of skin. We just want to be parents. And we will be.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Your post made me cry. Probably because I’m one cycle away (so I say) of being where you are and I think that’s a very good place to be. I just want a child. I don’t care how he or she comes to be mine. But I don’t want to go into adoption with any “what ifs.” Here’s to both of us being parents very soon.
Hope your future child is closer to coming to you than you think – best of luck.
Letting go of old dreams and learning to create new ones is a slow, painful business. And its hard because you just want to get to the other side, where you have that child in your arms. But I think you are right to proceed with caution and give yourself time to let go.
Closing the door on IVF is hard…but it sounds like you’re in a good place with regards to what comes next. I’m wishing you guys the best.
I have surprised myself with my willingness to forego a genetic connection to a child. It is the end result that is important now.
I am in a very similar place right now, thinking more and more about moving on to adoption after one more cycle that we have almost zero hope of working.
I’d love to hear about how you decided on China, out of all the adoption choices out there, as I am going through that thought process right now…
Good luck Amanda.
Your head looks to sitting squarely on your shoulders and after all you’ve been through, that’s something.
I’m proud of you for hanging in there and having such a strong grasp on the big picture. Really, it’s helpful.
Well put Amanda.
You sound at peace, and your last paragraph is beautiful. Thinking of you.
In the winter of 1988, after one year of trying to conceive, my husband (age 28) was diagnosed with azoospermia. Back then there were no treatment options for this condition. Artificial insemination was not something we considered, so we moved on to adoption. In the summer of 1989, we adopted a 4-month-old baby boy from Korea. He is now 16 and we are incredibly blessed to have him in our lives.
(I make it sound so simple, but of course it wasn’t, as you well know. It was wretched. I am thankful for the years that have passed, because with each passing year, the infertility did get a little easier. I never thought it would, but it did.)
One of the gut-wrenching things about our diagnosis was the finality of it. The door was closed. The answer was no. There was no hope. On the other hand, this was also a good thing because it allowed us to move on. We wouldn’t wonder what might have been, because there just weren’t any other options.
Through reading your blog, I’ve learned there are options in 2005. I wonder how long those options have been in existence. If they had been around in 1995, we might have considered treament (might have) and it really blows my mind, after all this time, to consider that.
My thoughts are with you as you face these difficult decisions. Thankfully you have the Internet and can communicate with others who are experiencing (and have experienced) the same circumstances. It must be a great comfort to you. Best of luck.
Your post is incredibly helpful to me, Amanda, standing on the precipice of a troublesome first cycle and knowing I will be devastated if it doesn’t work. I’ve had the same academic interest in adoption that you describe. It really helps to know that I can get to the good place that you describe. Thank you.
I am so glad you are comfortable in the place you find yourself. I think that is the hardest part about making these decisions, being comfortable with the moving ahead, whichever direction that might be.
I wish you loads of luck and good wishes.
Congratulations on your plan B! I, of course, think it is wonderful! :)
Absolutley best wishes for you Amanda!
Best of luck to you. Dh and I have spoken about adoption, but we still have so much to try (we feel) before we go there. My problem is it worked so damn easily the first time, what HAPPENED? So I find it harder to “move on” to the other options…honestly to even consider them, though my husband has already started. Strange how that can be reversed. Your ability to talk about the what ifs has made it easier to put my illusive feelings into words. We are working on our Plan B (more drugs) now and we’ll see where we go from here.
I’ll be here listening and cheering you on. You are both going to be wonderful parents no matter HOW a child comes into your lives.
Been there. It’s not a nice feeling. We got lucky and had Polly with out farewell cycle. But it was very hard, going in with no hope, and so much fear and so little hope.
Wow! That’s a really neat asnwer!
That’s the best asnewr of all time! JMHO