Guest Post: The Husband November 4, 2005
Hi, my name is Dan, and I’m Amanda’s husband and partner in this whole IVF mess. Amanda asked me to write a guest post or two reflecting on our experience from the male perspective.
As you may know, we are dealing with male factor infertility, caused–at least in part–by a hernia operation I had when I was very young. I didn’t know that I had any problems until Amanda and I started to try to get pregnant a few years ago. After more than a year of failure, we both made appointments to see doctors. Getting the phone call after that first round of tests is a memory that remains crystal clear. The nurse called with the results, and told me that my count was zero. ZERO? Well, I knew that wasn’t good. From there it’s been a pretty bumpy ride, with a few highs and lots of lows.
At first, it was simply surreal. I mean, none of my other friend’s doctors have porn in their offices. That was certainly new. Dealing with doctors and nurses poking and prodding me–more often than not in areas I don’t often leave accessible to the public–was a new experience as well. Nonetheless, I had a great urologist, and I was optimistic about the possibility that surgery could repair my leaky plumbing, and we could get on with our pleasant baby-making lives. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Twenty-five years following my hernia surgery was simply too long, and there was too much damage to repair. Amanda’s reaction when I grogily asked about the surgery after waking up is the second memory that remains with me. I knew then that it hadn’t been successful.
The hardest part, at least at first, was dealing with the guilt. I know that I did not cause my azoospermia, but nonetheless I take some responsibility for the problems we’ve had. It hurts me more than anything to disappoint Amanda, and I want to be able to give her children for her sake as much as for my own. Amanda is strong, though, and with her help I turned my guilt into determination. We are both certainly tougher than when we started, although I can’t say that I wouldn’t trade our growth for a child. Even determination, though, can’t help but give way to disappointment after repeated failure. We’ve been through five cycles now, and we both know that this next cycle has to be our last, success or not.
I know we have a chance with this last cycle, but frankly I can’t help looking toward the next step, or as Amanda calls it, the infamous “Plan B.” For us, that will likely be adoption from China. We talked about adoption shortly after we started IVF, and we both admitted that we weren’t ready for it. Now, I’m not only ready for it, it’s starting to look like a damn good option. We’ve started to collect information about adoption from China, and one of the agencies sent us a DVD in their packet. Watching the video, it really hit me: this is something I want to do. I would love to have a biological child with Amanda, but I also know that if we can’t, I can accept it and wholeheartedly take the next step on our journey toward parenthood.
- Posted in : From the Husband
- Author : dan
Comments
Okay guest speaker,
You made me cry! Dan, thanks for sharing that with us. My husband and I are female factor. I will never forget a little lecture I was given from your wife when I started to feel bad about our situation/blaming myself. She didn’t even allow me to go “there”! It helped me straighten up so to speak. I pray that your plan A works, either way y’all are going to be wonderful parents.
Amanda and Dan, you guys are an incredible couple. I really hope this next cycle works for you guys, but if it doesn’t, it’s good to hear the excitement y’all have for Plan B. I admire the strength you both have…
Dan, I am SO glad to hear from you and learn about your side of the story! I feel like I’ve gotten to know Amanda pretty well from reading her blog for the last 8 months, but this really helps complete the picture.
Thanks!
I gots to get me husband guest postin’ to my blog as well…
Thank you for your post. It made me tear up. So often we focus on what we, as women, are going through that we forget there’s another side to the story. I’m going to share your post with my husband. I think it’s really helpful for you to be so honest about your feelings. Post more!
Thankyou Dan. Great to hear your voice. You and Amanda are a formidable team. You’ll get your baby, one way or another.
Thank you, Dan, for sharing with us. You and Amanda are amazing and I am looking forward to sharing the rest of your family journey with you both.
What a wonderful post! Good luck exploring China adoption, and with the last cycle.
My husband (Jeff) and I are adopting from Guatemala, and while doing our last FET, it was such a comfort to know that even if it didn’t work (it didn’t) we would be parents in the not-too-distant future.
All the best to you both!
Thank you for the great post Dan. It really hit home as my husband also has azoospermia. Best of luck to you both.
Fabulous post. I know that all the Hell you two have gone through will result in a baby, one way or another. Thanks for sharing your side of the story, Dan.
Honey, it wasn’t your fault any more than it was my husband’s fault that he got cancer in 1970.
We adopted from China in 1999 and 2001 and are THRILLED!! And don’t listen to all the bonding/orphanage delay doom and gloom. Our kids are bright, healthy and attached.
I agree with Lorrie - you have a medical condition. It is what it is - don’t blame yourself. My husband has low sperm count and I have high FsH. Guess we hit the infertility jackpot didn’t we? We are now close to bringing our son home from Guatemala.
I hope the adoption process is quick and enjoyable for you (it has been - for the most part - for us).
at long last the missing half of the dynamic duo, not that you wrote it for me but I loved your post, no matter how it comes about you’ll make a great set of parents.
Than you Dan, for sharing that. I’ve thought often how hard it must be for men to deal with male factor. It sounds as if you and Amanda have worked through it incredibly well together. I’m just sorry that you have to go through it at all.
Is this something that’s true for many boys who have surgery at that age? Have you been back to your surgeon when you were a child, or those who do that surgery now to point out the side effects and hopefully improve their approach?
Thanks for sharing your side of this, Dan. It’s nice to hear it from the male perspective.
Thalia- If you look at any of the places that list risk factors for MF IF, hernia surgery is always on the list. I think most doctors are aware of that now. I don’t know if they were back when Dan had his surgery or not. The doctor who performed his surgery is probably dead by now, so there’s no way of going back to talk to him. I do believe that doctors are cognizant of the fact that IF can be caused by hernia surgeries. If you look at Cornell’s page entiled Fertility Preserving Hernia Repair you can see that IF caused by hernia surgery is definitely something that people are aware of and is something that they are trying to prevent.
Aw Dan - it’s so nice to hear from you. What a lovely couple and what a great couple of parents you’ll be.
Dan, Thanks for posting and reminding me of the male perspective. I know that all of this affects my husband as much as it does me, but his feelings are rarely articulated as, um, vocally as mine. Amanda is a lucky woman.
Dan,
Thanks so much for writing this. Now that my wife and I are beginning this long journey (due in part to my undeceded testis), it is important to me to find out about others experience. Especially from other guys.
Keep up the good fight!
Dan - I encourage you to guest post more often. Its rare that the guys view is posted even when the issue is male factor. If more men did post it would help the countless others who need support and are ashamed to seek it out. Good luck ! - A Dad via DI (aka DI Dad)
Dan…
My wife and I didn’t do IVF but decided immediately after 3 failed pregnancies to go the adoption route.
We brought our daughter home from China in November of 2002. She just turned 4 in February and is absolutely the joy of our life. God, what an incredible little girl.
It would be awesome if you chose to adopt from China. You wouldn’t be disappointed.
Thanks so much for the comments everybody. For some reason we’re getting a lot of comment spam on this post that has to be deleted manually, so I’m going to close comments here.