I’ve Fallen Off the Wagon November 18, 2005
Just a warning. I’m posting drunk. I cannot be held responsible for what follows. Oh, and just so you know up front, this is a major venting post. Anyone who wants to tell me to get therapy can just save their breath.
I haven’t been doing that well lately. I’ve fallen into a big giant rut, one that is very hard to climb out of.
It’s no big secret that I’ve been depressed lately. Hell, I lost a potential baby and my sweet furball in a matter on months. Who could blame me for feeling like shit?
It’s gotten worse lately, though. I’m just not functioning the way I should be. It’s like I’m watching myself fall apart, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
This evening I went to the store and bought a package of cookies and a bottle of vodka. What can I say? Desperate times call for desperate measures. I almost made it to the three week mark of the no sweet treats diet, but that’s all been thrown out the window now.
I know self medicating is not a real solution. I freaking know that. It’s just going to have to do, though.
Sometimes I really hate living in my body, living in my head. It’s hard. It’s hard waiting for good things to come and then never having those dreams realized.
Maybe this is why I haven’t had a kid yet. Maybe the world doesn’t need another me.
It will get better. I know it will. I won’t let it get to the point of no return. I can’t. How much more shit will I have to put up with, though? Why does it have to get harder before it gets easier?
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Amanda I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s incredibly hard. It’s actually so exhausting trying to stay positive when month by month our dreams get mashed and destroyed. You’ve been through a hell of a lot, it’s no wonder that you feel like this.
But hang on. They will get better. They will.
What you just posted is all a part of the healing process. We are here for you no matter what. Sending good thoughts your way.
I wish I knew why it got harder before it got easier. I’ve dealt with depression most of my life, but had a pretty big relapse in the months following my first miscarriage. Therapy did help me a great deal. I also considered going back on antidepressants. I would have to set small goals for myself (like taking a shower) as long as I accomplished that in the day, I felt a little better. I hope you find a good solution for you. And have a few cookies for me. And a mojito. And a Cinnabon.
I am so sorry. I wish I had the answers. I wish I understood any of this. Just know we are with you. And we get it.
And if we lived closer, I’d have been getting drunk with you.
You are okay Amanda. Of course, you are going through a rough spot……of course.
I am very proud of you.
I think you probably ARE depressed. Maybe not clinically, but certainly reasonably so and with really strong reasons to need to heal. So hold yourself a depression party and give it all a chance to get it out of your system. I’m so sorry you’re in such a bad way, but it’s perfectly justifiable given how long you’ve been at this and how strong you’ve been.
You’ve been through so much and have every reason to hurt. Until it stops, we’re here.
If it takes a little vodka and cookies, then so what? When it gets to a bottle a day, then we will start worrying, kay? You have had it too, too rough.
Smooches, sweetie.
Sometimes self-medicating DOES help. A little bit, anyway. And you’re right, everything you’ve been through and are facing IS hard. I’m just so sorry you’re still in the midst of it. Wish I could do something…I know it’s impossible but I still wish I could.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. Life is too tough. It’s not fair, what’s been thrown at you.
I’m also of the mind that self-medicating, within reason, is totally acceptable! I seem to go on a red wine binge every once in a while, to indulge myself and just let go.
There are only so many little things we can do to comfort ourselves, and I’m not in favor of denying ourselves that!
And don’t forget that shorter days and colder weather can have a lot to do with moods, I’m feeling that myself as it gets coooooold up here in DC.
There will be better days ahead, I hope very soon.
erica
Hungover?
Thinking of you.
I’m just so sorry you’re feeling this way, my sweets. Hang in there. It DOES have to get better.
xoxo
I’m sorry- it sucks. I was majorly depressed after my miscarriage, and honestly, it took months to get out of the funk. I think people really underestimate how hard miscarriage is, particularly when the pregnancy was so hard fought and its not so easy to “try again.” We’re here for you.