The Horse Can Kiss My Ass November 30, 2005
I remember how excited I was to be starting my first IVF cycle way back when. How am I feeling about starting this sixth cycle? Pissed off. So yeah, I’m getting back on the horse, but I’m not doing so with a smile on my face.
Last night was the “go through the big ass pile of consents” night. Oh, how it made me so mad to do that. I had a major mad at the universe moment after we were done filling those suckers out. All I could think about was how instead of sitting here being halfway through the pregnancy, we were filling out consents for the umpteenth time for yet another cycle. That is so beyond frustrating.
Yes, I want another shot at being pregnant. Yes, I want another shot at having a bio kid. I just don’t want to have to be going through it all again. I just want it to have worked already, ya know.
Last night I just felt so lost. It felt like I was up in the sky looking down at myself. Sometimes I don’t even recognize me anymore. It’s like we made this decision to do IVF and then I turned my back for just a second. When I turned back around, I found this huge mess. That’s a scary feeling.
One of the forms we had to fill out was one that had you list previous number of pregnancies, the result of those pregnancies, number of previous fresh cycles and number of previous FETs. Do you know how depressing it was seeing that all in print all in one place? It’s hard to believe that the woman who has gone through three fresh cycles, two frozen ones, and had two pregnancies with nothing to show for it is me. I looked at that and thought that woman must be crazy for signing on for more.
I do think you have to be a tad crazy to keep on going after all of that. I definitely fit the bill. It’s crazy to think we might get a take home baby if we try just one more time. Oh, but I want it so much. How can I not try again?
So we will be. My hysteroscopy appointment is on Friday. I’m not really looking forward to that, to be honest. Last time was a bitch and that was while I was on Vicodin. I’ll be driving back and forth to Houston by myself this time, so there will be no yummy drugs for me.
I’ll be turning in my consents, getting my protocol, and handing over some cash as well on Friday, so I guess that will make it all official. I won’t be starting BCPs until my next period, but I know with the holidays and such that the start of my cycle will be here before I know it.
So, I guess this is a tad more fucked up of a post than the standard “Yay, I’m starting my cycle” post. I guess that’s to be expected at this point, though. At least my extreme urge to kick the universe’s ass has faded some today. That’s progress, right?
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
It all just sucks!
My best hopes and wishes for you and this cycle.
Those consents can suck your will to live, no doubt about it. I’m sorry you’re having to go through the hysteroscopy sans drugs.
It’s such a difficult decision to know whether to keep going or whether to stop. Only you and your husband know what’s right for your family. I haven’t yet decided whether to get on the IVF train.
Good luck with this cycle.
Oh, I always hate looking at my medical history in one shot - I think, who IS this crazy woman and why does she keep torturing herself so? Hang in there. I hope your hysteroscopy goes well.
You’re still standing.
After all those horrible numbers in such a tiny space, you’re still standing. I’m in awe of you and I doubt I’m alone.
If I could kick the universe’s ass for you, I would in a heart beat,
You have such tremendous courage, I am rooting for you with all of my heart.
I am feeling very similar, except more anxious than pissed off. We are also launching another cycle (haven’t had time or willingness to update my blog about it it), and I am having major panic attacks over it. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few weeks without having a total meltdown- wanna join me? I so wish we lived near each other- maybe a night on the town of all us crazy IF’ers would do us good.
It’s so understandable to feel the way you do. You are a strong woman and I know I’m not the only one who sees that. I’m hoping so hard for you.
Yep, it blows alright. You know you’re an IF vet when you run out of room to explain all the procedures you’ve had on those forms. Sigh… You certainly deserve to be royally pissed off and I’m glad you’re venting here.
I’m sorry, Amanda. I have those “why me” moments too, they ain’t pretty.
I can’t believe your clinic makes you repeat all that history stuff over & over, c’mon already!
Can you take vicodin and then walk around a bit after the hysteroscopy? I REALLY wish I was nearby to drive you!
Good luck with the hysteroscopy. Sorry you have to go through all the paperwork again. Yep, getting back on the horse again sucks…
I’m with Erica on can’t believe they make you fill out all the mundane stuff again - what crap. Yes, you are crazy, but yes, it can happen.
I think go with the vicodin, hang w/ your pal, then drive home. Or hell, stay over!
there definately comes a time when starting a cycle isn’t in the least exciting, the whole thing is a quagmire of emotions.
hope the hyster isn’t too bad that’s one hellova drive with cramps … good luck with it lovely.
Progress, Yes.
Sucks, that, too.
Thanks, guys.
Erica and T- I won’t really have time to stick around Houston for a few hours to let any yummy drugs wear off. I’ll have to get back on the road to make the long trip home. I’m sure I’ll survive, though. I’ve somehow managed to make it through everything else, so this should be no different.