And I Thought 2004 Sucked December 31, 2005
2004 was tough. 2005 was something else all together. It’s pretty depressing for me to do the year in summary thing for this past year, but I’m going to do it anyway if for no other reason than to be able to look at it all and say, “Shit, I survived all of that and am still standing.”
January/February 2005- IVF #2 brought my first ever positive beta. Three days later my beta had fallen, and it was all over.
April/May 2005- FET #2: BFN. My consult with my new RE was the same day as beta day. Yeah, you could say that I saw that one coming a mile away.
July/August 2005- IVF #3 resulted in my first ever doubling beta.
September 2005- After some ultrasound torture, I ended up miscarrying at home a month after I had gotten that wonderful beta news.
September 2005- Hurricane Rita devastated Lake Charles, my parent’s hometown and the city I’d grown up in.
October 2005- I lost my sweet kitty, Dixie, at the age of 17 to renal failure.
December 2005- We crossed the 4 year mark of trying to conceive #1.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom, although there was plenty of that to go around. In April, my husband and I celebrated the 10th anniversary of our first date, and in May we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. Quite a pair of milestones, I do believe.
All I have to say is that 2006 sure as hell better not suck as much as 2005 did. I so hope the new year brings good things for all of us who are still waiting our turn. Please let us finally catch a break.
Let’s Get This Party Started December 29, 2005
My period showed with a vengeance overnight last night. Maybe it was the nice clean, crisp white sheets I had just put on the bed that gave the bitch the nudge she needed to make her appearance. Whatever the case, today is cycle day one which means that this IVF cycle is almost underway. I start birth control pills on Saturday. What a way to ring in the new year.
So, this is how things should shape up if my body cooperates. (We don’t want to assume anything in IVFland.)
12/31-1/9 BCPs
1/12 Baseline
1/13 Start MDL
1/14 Start stims
Yes, I only have to be on BCPs for 10 days and am quite happy about that fact. Gotta love the short protocols.
Can you tell I’m ready to get this cycle going? Hell, I’ve been waiting long enough. It’s been over five months since my last retrieval. There’s only so much thumb twiddling a girl can do. Bring on the pills; bring on the syringes. This chick’s ready for some IVFin’.
Disclaimer: I honestly don’t know if I’m excited or not. The above may just be a result of the fact that I’m posting in a cold medicine induced haze.
My Belated Christmas Present December 28, 2005
Santa showed up at my doorstep today. (Ok, maybe it was the Fedex guy, but he sure looked like Santa to me.) Yep, I got my big box o’ meds delivered today.
I remember feeling overwhelmed when I got my box of drugs for my first cycle. Now it’s just fun. So many vials and needles and bottles to unpack and organize. I can’t get enough of that. (Yes, I know, I’m an addict. How else could I be embarking on cycle #6?)
Of course it wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun if I had been seeing dollar signs as I pulled out my meds. Sure enough, our new insurance came through. After paying for all meds, procedures, and everything else in the past, this sure is a nice treat. Too bad they don’t pay for the actual IVF. I’ll definitely take what I can get, though. I feel beyond grateful to have the coverage I have.
So, now I just have to hope that my body gets the idea to get the show on the road. Seeing the big stack of Gonal-F pens every time I open the fridge should help, I would think.
It’s Over! December 27, 2005
Ok, our Christmas trip wasn’t that bad, but there were a few moments worth highlighting.
- My husband and I both spent the trip sick. In fact, we’re still sick. It seems that we’re fighting the cold from hell.
- I managed to end up with a humongous purple bruise on my knee. Don’t ask me how I did it. I’m talented that way.
- I also managed to come home with a knot on my head from running into the bathroom door. I hadn’t even been drinking. See, I really am talented.
- We didn’t get home until almost midnight last night due to some electrical problems on our third flight of the day. We ended up having to disembark the plane in order for them to prepare a completely new one. Yeah, that was quick.
- Christmas + infertility + loss + PMS. Not the best combination out there.
All in all, though, it was a pretty good trip. It was nice to spend time with Dan’s family. However, as expected, the sadness hit pretty hard at times. I couldn’t help but miss my sweet kitty, and I couldn’t help thinking about the miscarriage. The whole family photo thing really got to me this year. I sat out of most of them, because I just couldn’t handle it. I did my best not to be a total scrooge. Who knows if I succeeded or not.
The day after vacation is never much fun. I hate trying to get caught up on everything. I’m going to make time to play with my new toy, though. Dan and I each got one from his parents. It even does video. Fun.
Leaving on a Jet Plane December 21, 2005
The mister and I are heading out to sunny California tomorrow to spend Christmas with the inlaws. It looks like I’m getting sick just in time for our vacation. Perfect timing as always. So, between dealing with my ultra sore throat and frustrating myself to no end by attempting to go pants shopping today, I can’t exactly say that I’m in the holiday spirit. Tomorrow is another day, I guess.
I hope everyone has a very happy holiday (or at least survives it in one piece). I’m aiming for the latter, but the former would be a pleasant surprise.
It’s That Time of Year Again December 19, 2005
The holidays can be tough for infertiles. Last year totally sucked for me. I was the grinch of all grinches. I guess getting a BFN a couple weeks before Christmas can do that to ya.
This year is hard, too. I just keep thinking about how I should be spending Christmas with a pregnant belly. I might have even been opening gifts for the baby to be. (I know my mom’s been stocking up for years.) Instead, I’ll be spending yet another year wishing things had gone another way.
I’m trying hard to fight off the holiday blues. It’s hard, though. It doesn’t help that there are reminders everywhere. Today I was bombarded with a holiday wishes type commercial from a formula company. It was one of those “this holiday is extra special because it’s your first together” type of commercial showing a lady holding a cute newborn. Fuck me. Like I needed to see that.
I don’t think I’m as angry this holiday season. I think my heart’s too hurt for me to be as angry as I was last year. For me, sadness and heartbreak trumps anger.
I guess the one thing that’s keeping me from totally losing it is knowing that I’m about to cycle again. The need for another chance is tremendous. I’m glad I’m going to get it. Until then, I’ll be stuffing my face with holiday goodies and hoping that the next week or so goes by quickly.
Time For a Few Updates December 15, 2005
I hate when I leave stuff hanging, so I’m going to try to post the latest on a few things.
Dan never got sick. Lucky bastard. I don’t know how he managed it since everyone else who was exposed to the virus got sick. Very sick. I guess he’s just a tough cookie.
Muffy is doing well. She’s finished her course of antibiotics and is very happy that we are no longer shoving meds down her throat on a daily basis. She is doing well with her new prescription food. It’s been a bit of a challenge to feed two cats two separate foods, but we’ve settled into a bit of a routine. I was afraid she’d have a hard time switching over to the new food, but I mixed the foods for a while and she’s done fine. At the suggestion of our vet, I bought the kitties an automatic fountain water bowl since Muffy is supposed to drink as much as possible. They love that thing.
I am no longer wanting to puke every time I look in the mirror. My body seems to be cooperating a little better. I even got into my skinny pants today. I’ve been working out really hard, and I guess it’s starting to pay off.
As far as the latest goes, I haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t know what’s up with that, but it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’ve been waking up between 4 and 5am every morning and having the darnedest time going back to sleep. I’ve also been having freaky, freaky nightmares. It hasn’t been pleasant.
It looks like this cycle is going to be another longish one. I should still be starting birth control pills by the end of the month, though. Hopefully having all of the holiday stuff between now and then will help that time go by more quickly. I’m definitely ready to get this next cycle started.
Ok, all caught up. I feel better now.
Birthday Wishes December 14, 2005
Today is my husband’s birthday. I wish so much that I could give him the gift we’ve both been wishing and hoping for for so long. He’s such a great hubby. I just hope I get the chance to do that some day.
Dan, I hope this birthday brings with it luck for the coming year, peace for the hard times of the past one, strength to get through whatever comes next, and happiness despite it all.
Oh, and you better enjoy this birthday. You know it’s the last time you’ll be celebrating one that starts with a 2. Happy birthday, honey. I love you.
Sometimes It’s Hard to Practice What You Preach December 13, 2005
On several occasions I have been the one leaving the “please don’t blame yourself” comments. I’ve watched many women experience the guilt over having female factor infertility or over miscarrying. Being the female member of a couple dealing with male factor infertility has given me a different vantage point throughout all of this crap, and it’s been easy for me to say, “It’s not your fault.”
Things have a way of taking 180 degree turns in this crazy world of infertility and IVF. Now I’m the one in need those comments. Thank you all for fulfilling that need.
It was so much easier to subscribe to the “it’s not your fault” mentality before the miscarriage and before this MTHFR stuff. Now, I get it. I get how easy it is to blame yourself, to bear the brunt of the responsibility. Sometimes it’s impossible not to even if you know better.
It’s helped some for me to try to go back and remember how I felt when I was telling other people that they were in no way to blame for any of it. If I truly feel that no one else is to blame for any of this infertility/miscarriage stuff, why is it so freaking hard to convince myself that I am not either? I’m trying, but it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do.
I guess part of it is that I’ve always felt that I was responsible for my treatment. Sure, I’m not a doctor, but I have a lot more vested in all of this than any doctor ever could. It is my responsibility to educate myself and to take appropriate action. Why the hell else would I spend hours on end researching all of this crap? It’s not like I’m getting a medical degree out of it, but I sure feel that I could at this point.
All of this is too important to just hand it all over to a doctor and hope for the best. If I’m not playing a major role in my treatment, I’m not doing what’s best for me. Maybe it’s too much to ask of myself to be responsible for all of that, I don’t know. I do feel like it’s too important to do any other way.
I think it’s just going to take some time to stop blaming myself. I think it’s all tied up in the grieving process, and that’s not something that’s over quickly. It’s still all really hard right now. I wanted that baby so much. So damn much.
The heart takes a long time to heal, but I know that it does. It will. Eventually.
I’m Officially a Motherfucker December 11, 2005
When I went in for my hysteroscopy appointment a little over a week ago, I asked my RE about having the MTHFR test done. (Oh, and I know I can’t be the only one that reads that as motherfucker.) Anyway, it was the one test I hadn’t had done. After my chemical from fresh cycle #2, I had a shitload of tests done including blood clotting tests. I even had a bunch of really obscure tests done. Don’t ask me why the MTHFR one wasn’t one of them.
None of my bigillion tests had ever come back abnormal. I wasn’t really expecting this one to either. I just thought it would be one more thing to cross off of the list. So, it came as a bit of a surprise when my IVF coordinator called me on Friday to let me know that my test results were back and that they showed that I am homozygous for the C677T mutation.
Holy shit. I’m a mutant.
I already knew a bit about the MTHFR stuff, but I went into research mode pretty quickly after getting the phone call. Here’s the basics if anyone is interested. Feel free to skim or skip altogether if your brain is not in a sciency mood.
- The official name of the MTHFR gene is 5,10-methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. (See, isn’t it easier to just think/say motherfucker?)
- The MTHFR gene provides instructions for making an enzyme called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase enzyme which plays a role in processing amino acids.
- Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is important for a chemical reaction involving forms of the vitamin folate. This reaction is required for the multistep process that converts the amino acid homocysteine to another amino acid, methionine. The body uses methionine to make proteins and other important compounds.
- Since the MTHFR gene produces an enzyme that helps regulate homocysteine levels in the body, if there is a mutation in the MTHFR gene, homocysteine levels may not be regulated properly.
So, here’s the summary version. If your MTHFR gene has a certain kind of mutation, it can’t process folate (folic acid) properly. This can result in elevated homocysteine levels.
The MTHFR mutation is pretty common. About 44% of people are heterozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 1 variant gene). About 12% are homozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 2 variant genes). It’s generally only considered an issue when you’re homozygous. (like me!) There’s also the whole compound heterozygous thing when you have one A1298C mutation and one C677T mutation, but I think I’ve already done enough of the science lesson thing to go into all of the possible combinations and permutations.
Basically the worst kind to have is the homozygous C677T mutation. As a result of the fact that MTHFR is a blood clotting disorder, that variant of mutation has been associated with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, including coronary heart disease and stroke. It may also play a role in the risk of high blood pressure in pregnancy (preeclampsia) and may be a risk factor for birth defects that occur during the development of the brain and spinal cord (neural tube defects). It may also increase the risk of miscarriage.
So, what the hell do you do about the motherfucker? You take shitloads of Folic Acid, B6, and B12. For life. A lot of people also take a baby aspirin a day.
I’ve already started my massive dose of vitamins and will be discussing the use of Lovenox, a blood thinner, for this upcoming cycle when I go in for my baseline ultrasound.
I have to say that I haven’t been handling this well. I’m ok being a mutant. That’s not the problem. What’s killing me is that I didn’t ask for this test sooner. I actually had it on my list of questions to ask when I went in for my initial consult with my new RE before starting this last cycle. I honestly don’t know why it never got asked then.
I am glad that we know now. I am glad that there’s something that we can do about it. It is frustrating to know that we would have never found out about it if I hadn’t specifically asked for the test, though.
I’ve been on a major guilt trip since I found out the results. I am feeling totally responsible for the miscarriage. No, we don’t know why the miscarriage happened. No, we don’t know if this MTHFR stuff had anything to do with it. I can’t help but wonder if it did, though.
I just keep thinking that I could have prevented the m/c if I had just asked for the test sooner. I have shed many tears over this the past few days. I hate thinking that might have been my only chance. I may never get pregnant again. What if it didn’t have to happen that way?
I know I shouldn’t be thinking this way. I just can’t help it. It’s a heavy burden to feel responsible for such a thing. It’s one I shouldn’t have to bear, but I find myself doing so anyway. Quite honestly, it’s breaking my heart.
I’ve Got Ants in My Pants December 8, 2005
Now that I’ve gotten the green light to cycle again, I’m getting antsy about actually starting. I don’t want to sit around and play the “I wonder when my period will finally show” game. I just want to get the ball rolling.
I think going through this IVF stuff has taught me some patience, but given the fact that I was the most impatient person on the planet before going through it all, I’m still pretty darn bad about having to wait. I don’t think the fact that I’ve had such a long break this time is helping any. I mean, my last transfer was 4.5 months ago. That’s a long freaking time to wait.
I could have started with this last period except for the fact that my clinic’s lab is shut down during the last couple of weeks of December. Not that I wanted to cycle during the holidays anyway. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a BFN. Still, I’m getting impatient.
I think it might be a little bit easier if I knew how long my current cycle was going to be. Ever since the miscarriage, things are more than a tad bit unpredictable in that department. Cycle number one after the miscarriage was 45 days. Cycle #2 was 35. I’m hoping that this one will be even shorter.
As noted, I’m ready to get started, but I am not, however, ready to be finished. I hate that this is our last chance. I hate that there’s a very good chance that things are not going to work out as planned. Well, obviously they’ve already not worked out as planned, but you know what I mean. I don’t want all of this to be for naught.
I guess now that I’ve thought about it, maybe I’m not quite as antsy as I thought. Shit. My brain is already going crazy, and I’m not even popping pills or shooting up. I’m screwed.
Not Again December 6, 2005
Yesterday I took our kitty, Muffy, to the vet because I found a bump on her side and wanted it checked out. The bump turned out to be a cyst. The vet aspirated it and found no abnormal cells, so the cyst was drained and cleaned out, and Muffy was put on a course of antibiotics. I was so relieved to learn that it was nothing serious.
While we were there I asked the vet to run a full blood work panel on her. She just turned 14 and is now getting to the age where things start to go wrong. It’s not liked I’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary with her, but I wanted to make sure all was well.
Our vet called me back today with the results. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Muffy’s kidney levels are elevated. They’re not so high as to suggest renal failure but definitely higher than they should be. The vet called it renal insufficiency.
As of now we are going to put her on a prescription diet and see how she does on that. She’ll go back in a month for more blood tests.
This just breaks my heart. We just lost Dixie to renal failure and now this. It pains me to think that Muffy might be headed down the same road. I am thankful that I had the vet run that blood work, though. It’s good that we caught it early so we can treat it. I just hope that Muffy is going to be ok. I just can’t bear to think of losing her, too.
Not Quite So Wonky Anymore December 3, 2005
Yesterday was quite a long day, and I don’t think I’ve recovered yet. My little jaunt over to Houston for my hysteroscopy appointment took 11 hours, three-fourths of which was spent in the car.
My hysteroscopy went well. It was much less painful than last time, and my ute was given a clean bill of health. There was no scar tissue or anything else from the miscarriage, so that was good news.
It appears that my cervix is a little less wonky as a result of the miscarriage. I was hoping this might be the case, because I’d been told in the past that going through labor would help the situation. I figured that since my cervix had to dilate on its own for the first time when I miscarried, that it might prove to have the same benefit. That appears to be the case. I guess that could be why that whole experience was so damn painful.
If you had asked me shortly after my miscarriage if there were any silver linings to be found, I would have said “Hell, no.” Well, there appears to be one now. My wonky cervix has been my Achilles heel of all of this IVF stuff. It looks like the miscarriage may have helped alleviate some of the problem.
Of course, my cervix is still nowhere near normal. It’s still got that nasty 90 degree turn in it. However, even the fact that it appears to be a little less wonky and a little more cooperative is a very, very good thing. Just the difference in how I felt during the hysteroscopy was amazing. Last time I was brought to tears. This time I even watched my pretty ute on the monitor. It was still a crampy experience but nothing like before.
My RE also did a mock transfer, and the catheter went up through my cervix easier than it ever had. I will still be having my transfer done under anesthesia since it’s helped greatly in the past, but this cervix stuff is definitely good news. Of course, I’d rather be sitting here pregnant instead of looking at the silver linings of my miscarriage, but I’ll take what I can get.
I had 20 antral follicles show up on ultrasound, so that was good news as well. I had a similar number last cycle and ended up with only 5 mature eggs at the end of it all, but we’re hoping that a change in protocol will help with that situation.
Speaking of protocols, I also got all of that info. I’ll be on the microdose Lupron protocol and will be on a higher dose of stims: 450IU per day instead of the 375 I was on last cycle. I’ll be on a pure FSH stim at my request. Repronex and I don’t get along that well, so I’m hoping that going back to stimming with all Gonal-F like I did on my first cycle will help the overall situation as well.
I’ve got the green light, so now I just have to wait for my next period to show. I’ll be on a short stint of BCPs, 8-14 days depending on what my body decides to do this cycle. That combined with the MDL protocol will make for a much shorter cycle. ER should fall in the latter half of January.
It was a little weird going to my RE’s office after being on a break all this time. I do have to admit that I felt like a junkie getting another fix, though. This shit is so damn addictive that it’s not funny. I also felt very vetish when a lady in the waiting room who was getting ready to start her first cycle asked me if I had ever done IVF before. You should have seen her eyes when I told her it was about to start my sixth cycle. I don’t think it helped any when I told her that it was only my fourth fresh. I distinctly remember hearing the words “Oh no” come out of her mouth. I tried to answer all of her questions and did my best not to scare the crap out of her. She kept asking me why it hadn’t worked, why I had miscarried. Oh, what I’d give to know the answers to those questions.
We’ll never know, but we’ll never be able to say we didn’t try. I have to say that I’m feeling pretty darn good about giving this IVF crap another go. I feel like a boxer dusting of her gloves preparing to step in the ring with an opponent who has beaten her more times than she can count. Sure, I don’t like my chances, but I’m going to go in there and try to kick some ass.
Time For a Little Good News December 1, 2005
I know I’ve been a very grumpy blogger lately. It’s just that I’ve been in a very grumpy place. When things suck I have to get it out on my blog. I thought it might be nice to have a post of a more upbeat nature every now and then, so I’m going to share my good news of the moment. Lord knows I don’t get good news nearly often enough, so I need to take time to celebrate it.
When my husband started his new job in August, we got new insurance. Once we got this new insurance, I perused the plan line by line looking at the infertility stipulations like any good infertile would. I wasn’t surprised to learn that IVF wouldn’t be covered. That’s not going to happen where we live. However, I was filled with glee when it looked like meds might actually be covered. This new insurance kicked in right after I got pregnant from our last cycle. Even given that, I kept that knowledge in the back of my mind knowing that it might still come in handy in the future. Sure enough, here I am preparing to cycle again.
Well, I called the insurance company yesterday to verify this info and to find out what it would mean for copays, etc. And drum roll please… It looks like I’m going to get all of my stim meds for a whopping $25. Now, if that’s not good news, I don’t know what is.
Now, I won’t truly believe it until I fill my prescriptions, get them home, and look at the credit card statement, but I am so hoping this is really the case. I’m assuming I’m going to be on a shitload of stims like last cycle, so this is going to save us a ton.
In the big picture of IVF finances this is not huge. I mean, it will put us at about $66K instead of $69K or so, but it’s still worth doing a little dance over.
So, yay for a happy post. They don’t come around often enough anymore, but this one’s a goody.