Sometimes It’s Hard to Practice What You Preach December 13, 2005
On several occasions I have been the one leaving the “please don’t blame yourself” comments. I’ve watched many women experience the guilt over having female factor infertility or over miscarrying. Being the female member of a couple dealing with male factor infertility has given me a different vantage point throughout all of this crap, and it’s been easy for me to say, “It’s not your fault.”
Things have a way of taking 180 degree turns in this crazy world of infertility and IVF. Now I’m the one in need those comments. Thank you all for fulfilling that need.
It was so much easier to subscribe to the “it’s not your fault” mentality before the miscarriage and before this MTHFR stuff. Now, I get it. I get how easy it is to blame yourself, to bear the brunt of the responsibility. Sometimes it’s impossible not to even if you know better.
It’s helped some for me to try to go back and remember how I felt when I was telling other people that they were in no way to blame for any of it. If I truly feel that no one else is to blame for any of this infertility/miscarriage stuff, why is it so freaking hard to convince myself that I am not either? I’m trying, but it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do.
I guess part of it is that I’ve always felt that I was responsible for my treatment. Sure, I’m not a doctor, but I have a lot more vested in all of this than any doctor ever could. It is my responsibility to educate myself and to take appropriate action. Why the hell else would I spend hours on end researching all of this crap? It’s not like I’m getting a medical degree out of it, but I sure feel that I could at this point.
All of this is too important to just hand it all over to a doctor and hope for the best. If I’m not playing a major role in my treatment, I’m not doing what’s best for me. Maybe it’s too much to ask of myself to be responsible for all of that, I don’t know. I do feel like it’s too important to do any other way.
I think it’s just going to take some time to stop blaming myself. I think it’s all tied up in the grieving process, and that’s not something that’s over quickly. It’s still all really hard right now. I wanted that baby so much. So damn much.
The heart takes a long time to heal, but I know that it does. It will. Eventually.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Hey Amanda,
Just read this post and the previous one. I never had that test done either, so now I’m wondering about my m/c. Like you, I wanted it so much. But for the moment, let me just repeat: It’s not your fault! I’m imagining this discovery has just reopened your grieving process. Please take good care of yourself and at least you’ve learned about this motherfucker and this cycle can be different. All best wishes to you.
Amanda I’m so sorry. I agree that this new knowledge is tied up with your grieving and blame is often a part. The heart WILL heal, you are right, and you are already moving forward, taking the vitamins etc. Let me add to the other comments that it is not your fault and that you are doing a brilliant job.
Hang in there.
Amanda, I’m so so sorry you are going through this. I hesitated to say “don’t blame yourself” because I know that, if I were in the exact same situation, I would blame myself regardless of what anyone said. That doesn’t make it true (of course it’s not!) but it’s human nature - especially after a loss. The sad thing is that we HAVE to take our own treatment into our own hands. THAT is not our fault. As humans with imperfect bodies, the fact is that we need sometimes treatment, THAT is not our fault. Not thinking to ask the just right question at the just right time when so much is going on in our hearts and heads? NOT ANYONE’S FAULT. You would think you wouldn’t have to. A *professional* should know these things. But it’s human nature. Things get overlooked and it sucks a$$. The sadest thing is that sometimes those oversights have horribly sad consequences {{hug}} We don’t know why you lost your baby.. it might not have been MTHFR.. But I know your heart has finally found an answer you’ve been looking for for so so long. I’m so sorry you lost your baby. SO SO SORRY :( I’m so sorry you are blaming yourself and I hope so much that you find a way to forgive yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.. because it’s how YOU feel about it that matters. I hope this is your final burden and that you find the strength you need. Love and Prayers and Best Thoughts Always, Girl
-FB
Delurking to add another “this is absolutely not your fault.” I think one of the particularly hellish aspects of infertility is the opportunity for unfair-to-ourselves self-blame. I am so very sorry you’re going through this, Amanda.
I think it’s so hard because we want to blame SOMEONE, even if it’s ourselves. We want a reason, an answer, anything. And of course we get nothing. Time really does help. I still have moments where I blame myself, but not as many as I first did. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault, and I really think that’s why it’s so hard.
I agree with the others: IF is so senseless that we are constantly trying to find some meaning for the things that happen. And since we are already down, blaming ourselves comes naturally. IF sucks, and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
It does heal, but I think it takes time. More time than one expects.
You are NOT to blame and you couldn’t have done anything to change it. Big hugs, lady, you will make it through this.
It’s what it is. Nothing good is going to come out of you feeling guilty (as I’ve found I do) and unless you are much smarter than you let on, you can’t fix the motherfucker gene. So you put up with the ambiguities, you do what you can, and you keep plowing. We’re right next to you.
hey lovely, not to make this about me but to say your not alone,,,
i’m great at saying don’t blame yourself, it just rolls off the tongue and i mean it every word of it, but you know what i blame myself for this chem, lots of things i “could” have done differently, a holiday over seas I could have not taken so close to transfer etc etc etc, what if’s and couldadones are not productive they only add to the level of misery.
i blame myself because there is nothing and no one else to blame.
your right it is hard not to play that game, and i do believe it is part of the whole grieving process, but when theres so few answers out there what other option is there, conversion to babydust sprinkling maniac maybe.
I’m a big one with the research, too, as you know. I agree that it is my responsibility to ensure that we are getting the best medical treatment. The doctor wants us to succeed, but isn’t solely focused on our case, as we are. So research away. The MTHFR isn’t your fault - no more than your blond hair is your fault, you just inherited it - but it is up to you to assemble the right range of medical professionals to get the right treatment for it.
I’ll say no to beating yourself up, but yes to taking action.