What’s in the Deep Freeze? January 30, 2006
We survived the trip back today, and I’m very glad to be home. I got my cryo report call while we were on the road. The bad news is that they had to use two vials of our sperm this cycle so we only have one left. Of course, Dan was very quick to remind me that this was a moot point because of the fact that this is our last fresh cycle regardless of outcome.
That little comment from my husband got the tears flowing on my end. I really didn’t need reminded of finality of all of this. I so just want to focus on this cycle right now.
The good news is that we don’t have to worry about that finality stuff right now after all, because four of our blasts made it to freeze. That is such a freaking relief. It takes a huge load off knowing that this isn’t our last chance.
I was nervous about even some of our remaining blasts making it to the freezer because my clinic has a reputation for being very strict about what they freeze. It’s just amazing to me that we got 7 high quality blasts out of this cycle, 3 to transfer and 4 to freeze. It makes me feel better knowing we’ll have another chance if we need it.
So, beta’s on 2/7, only 8 more days to wait. I guess that’s one benefit to doing a blast transfer. You have two more days to obsess over how your embryos are doing, but it makes for two fewer days to obsess over whether or not the cycle worked.
Oh, and before I forget, here’s some fun tidbits from yesterday that made ET day memorable:
My anesthesiologist, the one who took absolutely forever and a bigillion sticks to get my IV started, thought that mentioning the fact that he had worked labor and delivery the night before and had attended to a woman who showed up to the hospital in labor while simultaneously being high as a kite on crack would serve as an appropriate form of small talk while attending to an IVF patient on her sixth transfer. Seriously.
Going to the bathroom first thing in the morning was unavoidable and since I couldn’t drink anything because of the anesthesia, my RE got the pleasure of filling up my bladder with a catheter. Let me tell ya how much fun it is to pee for the first few times after that experience.
Dan had a brain blip while preparing my PIO injection last night and ended up sticking me twice. Like my ass wasn’t sore enough already. Thanks, hon. He has since made up for it by doing the driving today and even venturing out to the grocery store without wifely backup.
The truth of the matter is that none of the crap matters right now. I’ve got three embryos in there (hopefully my uterus hasn’t killed them yet) and four more in the freezer. Things are pretty darn good right now.
Embryos on Board January 29, 2006
I was pretty nervous waiting to find out what we had left embryo-wise while we sat and waited our turn to talk to the RE this morning. It turns out that things worked out pretty well.
10 of our embryos made it to blast. 3 were good quality advanced blasts. One was an advanced blast that wasn’t great quality. 6 were early blasts.
The 3 high quality advanced ones were obviously the ones that we would transfer. The poor quality one won’t make it to freeze, but they will watch the 6 early blasts until tomorrow, and we’re hoping at least a couple of those will make it to the deep freeze.
The transfer itself went fine given the cervix circumstances. The anesthesiologist took absolutely forever to get my IV started, though. Absolute torture. He tried my hand and then my wrist and finally resorted to using my arm.
My RE checked for signs of OHSS on ultrasound, and I had a little free fluid behind my uterus but not so much to cause concern.
So, the plan is for me just to chill at the hotel today and then Dan and I will make the trip back home tomorrow. Hopefully by then we will know if any of our other blasts were able to be frozen.
Onward to Sunday January 27, 2006
I was so freaking nervous waiting for my phone to ring this morning. I had visions of learning that all of our embryos had crapped out in the dish. The not knowing is so hard. Hell, it’s more that hard. It’s torture.
My phone rang this morning, and on the other end of the line was my RE. That took me by surprise since I had just assumed my IVF coordinator would be calling. He said he had good news, and I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Here’s our day 3 report. Out of our 18 embryos, we have:
1- 10 cell
2- 9 cells
13- 8 cells
2- 6 cells
They are all grade 4 or grade 4- (grade 4 being highest).
Holy shit! I cannot freaking believe it. Obviously this means we’re on for a day 5 transfer on Sunday. We have to be there at 9am, so we’ll probably head over tomorrow afternoon so we don’t have to get up in the middle of the night.
I talked to my RE about the number to transfer and he said that he had discussed it with the other RE in the practice (since she’s the one who will be doing my transfer) and they are both ok with transferring 2 or 3 blasts because of my history. So, 3 it is. Dan and I have had the number to transfer discussion several times over the course of our cycles, and we’re comfortable with 3 blasts. Hell, we’ve transferred 14 embryos, 11 of which were blasts, over the course of our five previous cycles with nothing to show for it, so I don’t think 3 is too much to ask for.
Ahhh. I feel like I need to take a deep breath. To have our embryos doing that well is just amazing to me. I mean, it’s not like they haven’t done well in the past, but I was still prepared for bad news. I always am.
So, Sunday it is. Wow, I’m still in shock. I so don’t want reality catching up to me this time. I like this good news stuff too much.
As Much of a Plan as One Can Have January 26, 2006
I talked to my IVF coordinator this morning in attempt to sort out all of this travelling stuff and day 3 vs day 5 stuff. Normally at my clinic everyone goes in on day 3. If they want to transfer on day 3, you stick around for ET. If they want to go to blast, they go over your embryo info and then tell you to come back in two days. Well, obviously that would be a pain in the ass for us because of the drive, so they’re trying to work it out so that it’s as easy as possible for us.
It looks like the plan is to take them to blast unless they check on them tomorrow and they look like crap. They know our embryos can make it to blast and we started with a good number, so that’s the plan. They want 6-8 really good day 3 embryos to go to blast, so even if just half of ours made it we’d be ok going to day 5.
They’re going to check on them in the morning and give me a call hopefully by 9:00 which is the time we would need to get on the road to be there for when my ET would be scheduled for if we did a day 3 transfer. It’s kinda complicated, but it looks like unless everything goes to hell between now and tomorrow morning that we’ll be doing a blast transfer on Sunday.
On a different note, I did my first Lovenox injection last night. Holy crap, that sucker burned. I mean, I thought Repronex stung, but it’s got nothing on Lovenox. I sat there in shock at how much it hurt. Maybe I’ll try icing tonight. I never ice before I inject, but this situation might call for that.
I’ve been keeping up my OHSS prevention diet and have been watching my body closely. I know that symptoms don’t usually start this early, but I still want to be aware of what’s going on. I’ve been weighing myself in the morning (as I usually do) because it’s important to keep an eye on the whole weight gain situation. I have yet to gain any weight this cycle, and somehow I even managed to lose a pound between yesterday and today.
I know, I know. Getting 18 fertilized eggs and actually losing weight during a cycle is insane to me, too. Now before anyone starts hating me, let me please remind you of my track record. It’s over there on the right if anyone needs a reminder. No one wants to be the girl on cycle #6. The thing is that it doesn’t matter how great my luck may be going, at some point it’s all going to go to shit. It’s just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.
So until it does I’m just going to enjoy the fact that right now, at this very moment, things are going ok. Who knows what’s around the corner. Stalled out embryos? OHSS? A failed cycle? Another freaking miscarriage? They’re all possibilities. The truth of the matter is that we have no way of knowing if our luck will hold out this time or not. It hasn’t in the past. Could it this time? Only time will tell. Too bad I’m so freaking impatient.
Icing on the Cake January 25, 2006
I was really hoping that we’d end up with 10 embryos today. Last cycle we had 4 the day after ER, and that just made me too nervous. So, I’ve been sitting here with my fingers crossed for 10 knowing that anything more would be icing on the cake.
I got my fertilization phone call this morning. We actually ended up with 30 eggs, not 28. I guess they found a couple more in there. 22 were mature and 18 of those fertilized with ICSI. I cannot freaking believe we have 18 embryos. I just can’t believe it.
They won’t make the 3 day vs. 5 day decision until the morning of day 3. So the plan is for us to hit the road Friday morning in time to be there at 1:00. They may call us while we’re on the road and tell us to turn around and come back on Sunday.
Obviously it depends on how the embryos are faring on Friday, but I don’t think that they’ll automatically plan on a blast transfer just because we have a good number of embryos. We did a day 3 transfer last cycle, and it worked. I know that fact will play a role in the decision making process. Also, they only do assisted hatching on day 3 embryos, so that’s another thing to consider.
I just want to make it to transfer. I’m all about taking it one step at a time this cycle, and that’s my immediate goal. Most of the time OHSS symptoms don’t start for at least 3-5 days after ER and peak even later than that. Right now I’m doing ok, but I know that how I’m feeling right now is no indication of how I’ll be feeling a few days from now.
I got my Lovenox delivered today, and I’ll start that tonight. The oh so fun PIOs start tomorrow. So for the next couple of days, I’ll be shooting up, drinking Gatorade, and hoping that those embryos hang in there. That’s about all I can do at this point. The rest is out of my hands.
A Personal Record January 24, 2006
We got 28 eggs at ER this morning. That’s more than double the amount we’ve gotten in any previous cycle, and it sure beats the 7 we got last cycle. Obviously they won’t all be mature, but it’s a good start. I’m pretty sore but am faring ok as long as I keep popping Tylenol.
I am back home now and am very glad about that fact. It’s so freaking good to be home.
I’ll get the fertilization phone call sometime tomorrow. Until then I’ll be sucking down Gatorade like it’s going out of style.
The “I’m Too Exhausted to Think of a Title” Post January 23, 2006
Trigger went off without a hitch last night. I triggered with only half the usual dose because of the high E2 situation. Dan’s a pro at those IM shots. He should be by now. He hit the road after triggering me at 11:30 and made it back home around 1am.
After about 5 hours of sleep, I survived my 6 hour jaunt from my parent’s house over to Houston and back this morning for my 2 minute blood test. My E2 from this morning was 7799. It went up from yesterday which is good because they don’t want it falling, but it didn’t go up too much (only about 250) which is very good given the high E2 situation.
I’m doing my best to head off this OHSS stuff with the Gatorade and protein approaches. I’ve learned that not only do protein shakes taste like crap, that my digestive system isn’t really a big fan of them. Gatorade, I like, though, and I’m drinking plenty of it. I’m really hoping that I don’t blow up to the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade float at some point down the road. Thank you everyone for all of the good anti OHSS thoughts. I think I’m going to need them.
I’m really not looking forward to getting back in the car tonight. Dan is hitting the road after work and swinging by here around dinner time. We’ll then head over to Houston again tonight in preparation for ER tomorrow. So yeah, I’m going over, back, and over again in one day. That’s the only way it would work so that we wouldn’t have to abandon a car in Houston since I won’t be able to drive after ER tomorrow. I have to say that if I never get on the interstate again after this cycle that it will be too soon. The driving is kicking my ass.
I am so ready to be done with the back and forth. I’m looking forward to being able to spend time with my husband again, to cuddle with my kitties again, to sleep in my own bed again. Oh, I cannot wait to get ER over with tomorrow and be able to go to back home tomorrow afternoon. That and the yummy IV drugs should make for a good day.
Triggering Away January 22, 2006
Well, I wish I could say that my E2 decided not to go gangbusters today, but that’s not the case. It was 7542 this morning. Oh, yeah. That’s what I call a high E2.
The good news is that my follicles are ready to trigger. I had 14 follicles ranging from 15.5 to 19.5, 2 more at 14, and then at least 7 smaller ones. My lining was 9.0 triple striped, so that was good. P4 has stayed reasonable at 1.32, so that was good, too.
Obviously our main concern is the super high E2, but my RE’s still ok with me triggering so that’s what we’re gonna do. I’m stocking up on Gatorade and protein drinks this afternoon.
Am I scared about the possibility of OHSS? Hell, yeah. There’s not much I can do besides the Gatorade/protein bit, though. Well, that and keep my fingers crossed. We’ll just have to wait and see what my body decides to do after ER. I hoping so much that I get to transfer this cycle, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time.
Anyway, I’m triggering tonight at 11:30. I go back tomorrow morning for some post trigger blood work. ER is scheduled for 10:00 on Tuesday.
This travelling stuff is getting a bit complicated. Dan and I made the trip over to Houston yesterday evening, spent the night in another great Priceline deal hotel room, and then went to my appointment together this morning.
We then headed back out and are now at my parent’s house. They live about 3 hours east of Houston and about 1.5 west of us. So, by staying here tonight, I’ll be able to leave later in the morning tomorrow, 5am to be exact.
Sounds good except I’m not triggering until 11:30. Now, I have no problems doing most of my injections by myself. I’ve even done the PIOs on my own before. However, trigger is reserved for Dan. I can screw up a PIO injection and not mess up a cycle. The same, of course, cannot be said for trigger.
Dan has to work tomorrow, so he can’t just stay here. He’ll be triggering me tonight and then hitting the road arriving home around 1am. After work tomorrow, he’ll drive back over here, pick me up, and then we’ll drive over to Houston together so we can spend the night there tomorrow night in preparation for ER on Tuesday. This cycling out of town stuff sucks, but I think we’ll make it.
So, if anyone can spare some anti OHSS thoughts, I’d appreciate them. The more the better.
Meltdown Mode January 21, 2006
Oh, you knew it was coming sooner or later, right? I think there’s at least one point in time in every cycle where a meltdown is inevitable. What would an IVF cycle be without a little freaking out thrown in for good measure?
I’m exhausted. The Dexamethasone is kicking my ass with it’s insomnia producing properties. I haven’t slept past 6am in a week. This morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep for anything.
The driving is wearing me out, too. Oh, it just sucks so much. I thought an IVF cycle was tough while cycling in town, but no, driving for hours on end many days a week just makes it that much harder.
I’m sure the insomnia stuff isn’t all Dex related. I’m sure the fact that I’m beyond concerned about this E2 situation isn’t helping. Let’s see. My E2 went from 1217 to 3557 in two days. Anyone want to guess what it will be tomorrow morning? 7000? Higher? Yeah, not good.
I don’t think they’ll be able to coast me because of the increasing P4 level. They want it to stay under 2, and it was already 0.7 yesterday. I’m sure it will be close to the “danger zone” tomorrow if it hasn’t already gone over it.
So, I guess that leaves triggering early or cancelling. Yeah, not liking those options too much. I guess there’s also the freeze all option, but I definitely don’t like that idea either. I can only hope that my E2 won’t totally freak out on me before tomorrow morning and that my follicles will have grown as much as possible so we don’t lose two-thirds of them if we have to trigger tomorrow night.
It’s just all too much at the moment. Lack of sleep, travel induced exhaustion, dealing with sore ovaries, worrying about my ever increasing estrogen levels. It’s just a lot to deal with at once.
Oh, and to add the cherry on the top of the sundae, some random fruit loop decided to post on my clinic cycling thread on one of the boards I post on with some “God will make IVF work” crap. It’s bad enough that she wandered onto our thread looking for info about a clinic located clear across the country, and bad enough that she had to mention that both she and her new husband had kids without trouble in their previous marriages, but she’s got to throw out this stuff:
“I pray for victory on our first IVF IN JESUS NAME I PRAY WE WILL CONCEVE< THANK YOU LORD I LOVE YOU. Please pray with us for anyone who is going through this infertile battle THE DEVIL WILL NOT WIN. BE BLESSED!!!>–>”
Well, that’s just to damn much for me right now, and I made her aware of that fact. Hell, I guess that just means that the devil is kicking my ass right now or something. Why do people think it helps to tell people who are on their umpteenth cycle or who have had losses (and I’m definitely not the only one on that thread who can claim such things) stuff like that? It doesn’t.
Enough of that. Moving on. I really hope getting all of this out will help halt meltdown mode. It’s so not becoming.
It’s funny because I can remember very distinctly feeling this way at some point in every other cycle I’ve done. You always get to that “I can never, ever do this again” moment. You just feel like it’s insane to be going through it all. And I guess it is. We all know that once we finally do get through it all, that we’ll look back with that selective memory we’ve all grown so familiar with, and be able to see why we tried so damn hard.
I know it’s worth it. I know I’m going to survive it all again one more time. Knowing that I’ve done it before, even if it wasn’t under the exact same circumstances, helps me know that I’ll come through it all more or less in one piece. No matter how hard things are, we always find a way to make it. Infertiles are just tough like that, I guess.
Are You Sure Those Are My Ovaries? January 20, 2006
Ok, I’m pretty sure they were due to the presence of the dildocam in my nether regions, but I’m still shocked at the results of today’s ultrasound. I had 31 follicles at this morning’s check. 31. Unreal. That’s about double what I’ve had during previous cycles. It looks like my body is a fan of the microdose protocol.
16 of the 31 are measuring between 10 and 14mm. The other 15 are under 10. I’m sure we won’t get a lot of those smaller ones, but that’s still a crap load of follicles. It’s just unreal to me how differently I’m responding this cycle.
My lining measured 8.2mm which is half a millimeter less than it measured on Wednesday, but I’m not panicking since my ultrasounds were done by two different REs. As long as that sucker stays over 8, I’m cool.
My E2 from today was 3557. Holy shit. And I thought Wednesday’s was high. I’m on day 7 of stims here, people. That’s an insane E2 for this stage in the game. They’re lowing my stim dose again down to 225.
I go back on Sunday for another check. I think they might have to trigger me Sunday night even if I’m not 100% ready. Pure speculation, of course, but given the fact that my E2’s been more than doubling every two days (close to tripling even) and the fact that my P4 is already on the rise (it was 0.7 today) I think that I might be triggering early. Obviously there’s no way to know what’s going to happen, and I may have to go another day, but let’s hope those follicles grow a bunch in the next two days just in case.
I’m already pretty darn uncomfortable so it should be fun to see how I’m feeling in the next few days. Of course, thoughts of OHSS are looming in my head, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time.
I’m working on figuring out what I’m going to do about all of the travelling stuff for the next few days. I drove back home after this morning’s appointment, so I have to get back to Houston at some point. Maybe we’ll go over tomorrow afternoon. Who knows. I’m sure we’ll figure it out before we have to hit the road again.
Holy Shit. That’s a Lot of Estrogen. January 18, 2006
The trip over to Houston this morning went fine, and getting up at 4:30 was definitely better than 3:15 especially since I actually managed to get some sleep last night. My appointment went pretty well, too.
I’ve got 19 follicles cooking in there. The biggest was 13 and most were between 8 and 10. The piece of news that made me the happiest was that despite my withdrawal bleed coinciding with the start of stims, my lining is already 8.7mm. Last cycle it was only 1.2mm at this point. What a difference.
After my ultrasound, I stopped at a nearby mall to take advantage of some free WiFi. After visiting my internet haunts, I strolled along the mall in pretty good spirits about how things are progressing so far this cycle. (Note to self: You know that curve balls are thrown at you when you start thinking things are hunky dory. Stop making that mistake.)
Yep, I got my E2 report phone call only to learn that either my hearing is shot or my brain is fried because my E2 from Monday was 525 not 225. My E2 from today was 1217. Holy crap, that’s high. Today is day 5, so that was only after 4 full days of stims. They cut my stim dose down again, so I’m now on 300. I go back Friday for another check.
Now given the choice between a depressingly low E2 and a E2 on the high side of things, I’d definitely go with the latter. We just don’t want that sucker getting out of control. I know my RE is on top of it, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
That sure does explain the lining, though. I’m so not complaining about that one.
And Away We Go January 16, 2006
Dan and I had a nice trip over to Houston and back complete with some genuine Texas BBQ for dinner. I very much enjoyed staying in my good deal hotel room. After my blood draw this morning, we hit the road again and headed home.
I got the call from my IVF coordinator this afternoon concerning my E2 results. It seems like I’m responding to the MDL protocol pretty well, at least based on E2 levels. In fact, it looks like my E2’s decided to take off early this cycle.
Today is day 3 of stims, and of course my blood work was done before any injection action this morning. My E2 was 225. That’s pretty high for me after only two full days of stims. In comparison, my E2 at this point last cycle was 40. I was very much hoping that I wouldn’t have a super slow rising E2 situation on my hands again this cycle, and it doesn’t look like that’s the case at all. It looks like we’ll need to keep an eye on things to make sure the opposite doesn’t happen. My E2 got to 4452 at trigger during my first cycle, and it was only 349 after 5 full nights of stims.
My RE has reduced my Gonal-F dosage from 450IU per day to 375. I guess we’ll see what affect that has on the situation when I go back for more blood work on Wednesday. I’ll also get my first peek at my stimming follicles on ultrasound then, too.
I made a compromise with the travel situation. It turns out that it’s much more difficult to get a good deal on hotel rooms in Houston during the week as opposed to the weekend even when using Priceline. So, I’m going to drive over and crash at my parent’s house tomorrow night. That will cut my drive Wednesday morning by about an hour and fifteen minutes. So instead of getting up at 3:15, I’ll be able to “sleep in” until 4:30.
I got a hotel room for Wednesday and Thursday nights since I’m 99.9% sure that I’ll be going back for another monitoring appointment Friday morning. I’ll drive back home for the weekend after that appointment and then figure out the rest of my travel stuff after it’s more clear how I’m responding this cycle.
I got an ok deal for Wednesday and Thursday nights, about half as much as you would pay by booking that particular hotel through normal channels, so I guess that will have to do. It sure beats battling to stay awake on the interstate or feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck for days on end. I’m sure my body will thank me for forking over the cash to stay over in Houston a couple of nights. It’s got enough going on as it is without having to worry about all of that.
Hello Injections. I’ve Missed You So. January 14, 2006
I’m on to the shooting up phase of this cycle. It feels like it’s been forever since I plunged a needle into my flesh. We’re becoming reacquainted quickly, though.
Yesterday I started my microdose Lupron two times a day, and today I’m adding in my Gonal-F twice a day. I actually feel like I’m cycling now.
To coincide with the start of shooting up, it looks like the withdrawal bleed that I wasn’t sure would happen due to the fact that I was only on BCPs for 10 days and the fact that my lining was only 1.6mm at baseline has started. That sucks that my lining will virtually be nonexistent at the start of stims.
I’m working on a plan so that I won’t have to repeat the middle of the night drive again. Yes, I survived it, but the whole time I was driving in the dark on way too little sleep, I was thinking about how not smart it was to be doing so. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t that long of a drive, but it is. I figure I’m putting my body through enough right now without all of that.
Part one of the plan starts tomorrow. Dan has the day off from work on Monday, so we’re going to drive over to Houston, do some of the stuff that we miss over there, spend the night, and then drive back home after my appointment Monday morning. Someone to share the drive with, splitting it up into two days, and not having to get up in the middle of the night all sound like pluses to me. I managed to score a very, very good deal on a hotel room for tomorrow night through Priceline. (Can we say a $159 hotel room for $33? Sweet!)
Undoubtedly I’ll have to go back for monitoring on Wednesday and Friday, so I think I’m going to try to hone my Priceline skills and attempt to find a similar deal for Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. We’ll see what I can come up with. That way I could just stay in Houston without the killer middle of the night drive. I’ll come home on the weekend and then attempt to find another good hotel deal for the beginning of the following week.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this plan works, because I really don’t want to kill myself on the road but I also don’t want to fork out a ton of money. This stuff is expensive enough as it is.
Sleep Deprivation Fun January 12, 2006
I have no idea if this post will be coherent or not, because I am running on fumes. After getting a total of four hours of sleep, I made it out of bed at 3:15 this morning and was on the road by 3:45. It was pitch black and foggy for the majority of my drive over to Houston. Not fun. I made it, though. I even managed to make it back as well.
I definitely passed my suppression check. My E2 was a whopping 17. I’ll take that over my measly 6 from last cycle, though. My lining was beyond thin at 1.6mm. I had 21 antral follicles which was nice to see, but I know it means nothing if they won’t respond to the stims. Last cycle I had 15 antrals and only ended up with 5 mature eggs retrieved. Let’s hope things go better this cycle. I also asked my RE about using Lovenox this cycle because of the MTHFR stuff and was given the ok.
I’m sure everyone in my clinic thought I was insane. I couldn’t speak worth anything, and I’m sure I looked quite lovely, too. That sleep deprivation stuff does crazy things to one’s brain. I was talking to my RE and was trying to say “I probably know the answer to this question” only it kept coming out “I probably know the question to this answer.” I tried more than once to say it correctly, but finally ended up saying “I only got four hours of sleep. You know what I mean.” instead.
So, shooting up fun begins tomorrow morning. I start the microdose Lupron tomorrow and stims on Saturday. I’ll go back to Houston for an E2 check Monday morning.
I’m definitely going to have to formulate a new plan with regards to this travelling stuff. There’s no way I’m going to survive very many more days like today.
Ok, I’m off to crash now. My battery pack could use some serious recharging.
Bring on the Baseline January 11, 2006
Tomorrow is baseline day. I’ll be getting up bright and early to make the trip over to Houston. Come to think of it, it probably won’t be bright. It will still be pitch black out. Since it’s a 4.5 hour drive, and I have to make it to my clinic in time for early morning monitoring, my alarm will be going off at the ungodly hour of 3:15. Ouch. I will be staying over in Houston during part of my cycle, but I don’t want to spend two weeks there. So, drive in the middle of the night it is.
I’ve never had a suppression check without being on Lupron first, so I’ll be interested to see how things go. I’m hoping to end up somewhere in that nice happy middle ground between getting cancelled and being oversuppressed. Let’s hope that my E2 is at least somewhat higher than the paltry 6 it was at baseline last cycle. I’m guessing that switching to the MDL protocol with only 10 days of BCPs should lessen the chance of something like that happening again. It better, because I don’t want my ovaries crapping out on me like last time.
The pressure of this cycle is starting to get to me a bit. I slept like crap last night as a result. Let’s hope the trend doesn’t continue tonight, because I’m going to need every minute of shuteye I can get.
The Other Half Hurts, Too January 10, 2006
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our partners in crime in all of this infertility/IVF stuff have a hard time with it all, too. I mean, it’s the woman who is sticking herself with needles, flooding her body with hormones, having a majorly long needle stuck in her nether regions come retrieval day, etc. We are not the only ones dealing with the emotional aspects of all of this, though.
I think, generally speaking, that men are just quieter about all of this stuff. They don’t talk about it all the time like we women tend to do. When you add up all the time I spend blabbing about this stuff on message boards, on my blog, in the comment sections of other blogs, out loud to my husband and others, you could say that I’m talking about this stuff all the time.
My husband’s not like that. He doesn’t post on IVFC or post about IF or IVF on his blog or gab to his friends about this stuff. And when we talk about it together, I’m sure I’m the one monopolozing the converstation.
It doesn’t mean he’s not dealing with it on a daily basis just like I am, though. I know he is. This crap affects him, too.
Last night Dan came home from work in a grumpy mood. I mean, the man was so damn grumpy. I gave him a hug and started in on the “what’s wrong” questions. Is it work? Is it us? Is it etc, etc? No, no, no, he replied. And then I asked if it was the IVF stuff. Bingo.
It turns out that he had received an email from one of his good friends from law school. In the email, the friend discussed his child and child to be. This obviously got to my husband. It would have gotten to me, too.
I know it’s hard on Dan to think about his two best friends from law school. One has five children. Yes, 5. The fourth one was an oopsie baby, and the fifth one was really an oopsie baby. The fifth was conceived after his friend had a vasectomy.
Dan’s other best friend from law school, the one who sent the email yesterday, is in an uber fertile relationship, too. You see, he was married while they were in law school, albeit unhappily. He met someone else, knocked her up (the oopsie baby trend continues) and got divorced from the other chick. He and his new wife are now expecting their second.
Both of his friends know all about the infertility and IVF stuff. They’ve been supportive, but I know it’s got to be hard for my husband to watch how their lives are turning out reproductively speaking while we spin away on the IVF hamster wheel for what feels like forever.
Honey, I know that you’re not as vocal about all of this stuff as I am, but I know that it’s so damn hard for you, too. I’m sorry, and I love you.
See Ya Later Evil Pills January 9, 2006
I popped my last birth control pill of this cycle today. Woo hoo! I can’t say I’ll miss those evil things.
Can I just say that I am loving this short protocol. I went back and looked, and last cycle (long Lupron with 4 weeks of BCPs) was 7.5 weeks from the first BCP to transfer. This cycle (MDL with 10 days of BCPs) should be about 30 days. What a difference.
On a completely different note, I thought I was going to have to kick some magazine ass again. Over a year ago (has it been that freaking long?) Conceive Magazine’s debut issue pissed me off. I thought I might have to climb up on my soapbox again when I was reading through the latest issue of Health Magazine and saw a blue box with the caption “in brief.”
The title of one of the blurbs in that section caught my attention. It read Dear infertility patient: Chill out. Of course, I almost threw my magazine across the room after reading that, but I continued on. Good thing I did. Here was what followed:
Swedish researchers have four words for in vitro fertilization (IVF) patients: Stop worrying about worrying. Yes, the procedure is stressful and anxiety-provoking. But fretting that the stress will reduce your chance of success, as many women do, is worry wasted, according to a recent report in the journal Human Reproduction. The study is the largest to look at the effect of stress on IVF success, and the first to examine stress both before and during the treatment. It found that women who reported high stress and those who were calmer during the procedure experienced similar success rates. Telling patients about this could reduce the psychological distress of IVF, the researchers say.
Go, Health Magazine. I think you might want to rethink the title of your blurb, though.
Confession Time January 8, 2006
I don’t know if I care to admit this, but I’m actually feeling a tad hopeful about this cycle. I know, shocker. I have a sordid history with that bitch Hope. I have spent many cycles trying my best to thwart her, and I can honestly say that I have felt completely and utterly hopeless on many occasions.
Why have I let a glimmer of hope in this cycle? A few reasons.
- I feel like I’m in good hands with my new RE. I mean, I did get pregnant on my first cycle with my new clinic.
- I have a new diagnosis and am being treated for it.
- My cervix, my IVF Achilles heel, appears to be a little less wonky now.
- I’ve gotten pregnant on two out of three of my fresh cycles. Not bad.
- I’m trying a different protocol this time. Change is good.
Now, do I think this cycle actually has a chance of working? (And by working, I mean actually getting a kid out of it.) Fuck if I know. I mean, probably not just because that’s how things work out for me. I guess it could, though.
All I know is that I’m hoping so much that it will. I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say I’m embracing the bitch this cycle, but if she wants to poke her nose in every now and again, I don’t think I’ll kick her ass for it.
She’s not about to get me to forget the reality of the situation, though. I mean, come on. I’ve had five transfers with nothing to show for it. She’s not nearly good enough to get me to overlook that, but I guess she does have her place from time to time. I guess if letting the bitch butt in every once in a while helps me get through it all one more time, she’s not all bad.
Just a Clarification January 5, 2006
A couple of my recent posts may have left the impression that I’m just beaming with excitement over this cycle. Evidence here and here. I honestly don’t know what my deal is, but I do know that I’m not excited in the usual sense of the word. It’s not that “Oh my god, I’m about to do an IVF cycle!!!” kind of excitement like you get when you’re about to do your first cycle.
Oh, trust me. It’s so not like that at all. (Although sometimes I wish I could go back to that place where you can feel that kind of excitement.) I think there are two things going on here. First of all, I’m an IVF addict. I’ve admitted it before, so it’s not like it’s news or anything, but it is the truth. This crap is super addictive. When I say that I need a fix, I’m only sort of joking.
Also, it’s just been so long since I’ve cycled. All of my other cycles were done back to back, and this long break because of the miscarriage has left me a bit stir crazy. It feels good to be doing something again.
I guess my “excitement” displayed in previous posts could more accurately be described as insanity. I know too much about the hells of IVF to actually be excited about going through them all again. I know how crushing it is to go through it all only to get a negative come beta day. I know how heartbreaking it is to get a positive beta only to have it start falling a matter of days later. I know how utterly devastating it is to finally get past the doubling beta stage only to have the world come crashing in on you during an ultrasound. I know how hard this stuff can knock you down, and I know how difficult it is to get back up again.
So no, I’m not really excited about reliving any of that. I am ready, though. I’m ready to give it another shot. I think I’m pretty much certifiable to go through it all again, but I need to. I need to have another chance.
5 Down, 5 to Go January 4, 2006
It appears that I am halfway through my course of birth control pills. Damn, I love this short protocol. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to be on them for 3 or 4 weeks like in previous cycles, because the oh so predictable BCP induced nausea has hit. Fun!
Now, I’m not complaining. (Ok, maybe I am. I do like to whine. And I’m pretty sure I was complaining when I was laying in bed last night feeling like death wishing someone would finally win that never ending football game so I could get some freaking sleep type relief.) Anyway, I think I can handle a few days of nausea. Just knowing that I don’t have to put up with the evils of full strength Lupron this cycle is enough to get me through the ickiness.
I have to admit that I’m ready to bring on the needles. I need an injection fix in the worst way. Nine days and counting until I get to start sticking myself again. Well, that’s assuming that I get the green light at baseline a week from tomorrow. I should know better than to assume anything, though. Hell, I better not have just jinxed myself, because I’m ready to get to the shooting up fun. Those syringes are just calling my name.
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