Just a Clarification January 5, 2006
A couple of my recent posts may have left the impression that I’m just beaming with excitement over this cycle. Evidence here and here. I honestly don’t know what my deal is, but I do know that I’m not excited in the usual sense of the word. It’s not that “Oh my god, I’m about to do an IVF cycle!!!” kind of excitement like you get when you’re about to do your first cycle.
Oh, trust me. It’s so not like that at all. (Although sometimes I wish I could go back to that place where you can feel that kind of excitement.) I think there are two things going on here. First of all, I’m an IVF addict. I’ve admitted it before, so it’s not like it’s news or anything, but it is the truth. This crap is super addictive. When I say that I need a fix, I’m only sort of joking.
Also, it’s just been so long since I’ve cycled. All of my other cycles were done back to back, and this long break because of the miscarriage has left me a bit stir crazy. It feels good to be doing something again.
I guess my “excitement” displayed in previous posts could more accurately be described as insanity. I know too much about the hells of IVF to actually be excited about going through them all again. I know how crushing it is to go through it all only to get a negative come beta day. I know how heartbreaking it is to get a positive beta only to have it start falling a matter of days later. I know how utterly devastating it is to finally get past the doubling beta stage only to have the world come crashing in on you during an ultrasound. I know how hard this stuff can knock you down, and I know how difficult it is to get back up again.
So no, I’m not really excited about reliving any of that. I am ready, though. I’m ready to give it another shot. I think I’m pretty much certifiable to go through it all again, but I need to. I need to have another chance.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Dear Amanda, first of all, Happy New Year! And when I say “happy,” you know what I mean. I’m so hoping this cycle works beautifully, and gives you the best news ever — news that just keeps on giving.
Of course you’re ambivalent, my dear. After what you’ve gone through, who wouldn’t be? But I can imagine what a relief it is to finally be moving forward. I’m keeping everything crossed for you and Dan.
I think I understand exactly what you mean. It’s a little like the feeling I get before siding up to a blackjack table in Vegas. All the anticipation and “what ifs” are there. I know you can’t possibly be excited to go through the emotional wringer again, or deal with any negatives that may come your way. I sincerely hope none do, my dear.
Thanks for posting about your “wonky” cervix on my blog - it’s nice to know that other women have them, and have found solutions.
Wishing you the best for this cycle, gushing with excitement or not.
I think of IVF as handing someone a hammer and asking them to please, please bang away on your hands with it. Once you commit to the hand-smashing, its hard not to want to get going, to make some progress. Sigh. Good luck.
I think I have a sense of what you mean. I am struggling with this feeling of not doing anything, and I at least can harbour silly hopes of conceiving ‘naturally’. I do so hope that this quick protocol turns out to be the charm.
Happy new year my friend. I hope 2006 treats you kindly–I can think of no one else who deserves goodness all year-round like you and the mister do.
Wishing you loads of good thoughts for the upcoming cycle. I know the feeling of excitement to be ‘back in the saddle.’
I know how you feel. It’s great to actually be doing something again but at the same time, we have our memories. Good luck with this cycle. It must be almost time to start lupron.
Amanda, I understand the feeling of being able to do something is exciting, rather than the process itself. It is the concept of hopefulness. You cannot be hopeful if nothing is being done. You are on the way again.
“I guess my “excitement” displayed in previous posts could more accurately be described as insanity.”
Oh. My. God. Amanda, though you might not have intended it to be funny, I’m practically crying over that statement, it’s so IVF Vet-like. That’s it in a nutshell. You got the fevah.
From one insane person to another, I wish you the best of luck. Kick some ass!
Wishing you the best of luck too…
We always knew you were crazy! HA! Just kidding.
Good luck!