The Other Half Hurts, Too January 10, 2006
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our partners in crime in all of this infertility/IVF stuff have a hard time with it all, too. I mean, it’s the woman who is sticking herself with needles, flooding her body with hormones, having a majorly long needle stuck in her nether regions come retrieval day, etc. We are not the only ones dealing with the emotional aspects of all of this, though.
I think, generally speaking, that men are just quieter about all of this stuff. They don’t talk about it all the time like we women tend to do. When you add up all the time I spend blabbing about this stuff on message boards, on my blog, in the comment sections of other blogs, out loud to my husband and others, you could say that I’m talking about this stuff all the time.
My husband’s not like that. He doesn’t post on IVFC or post about IF or IVF on his blog or gab to his friends about this stuff. And when we talk about it together, I’m sure I’m the one monopolozing the converstation.
It doesn’t mean he’s not dealing with it on a daily basis just like I am, though. I know he is. This crap affects him, too.
Last night Dan came home from work in a grumpy mood. I mean, the man was so damn grumpy. I gave him a hug and started in on the “what’s wrong” questions. Is it work? Is it us? Is it etc, etc? No, no, no, he replied. And then I asked if it was the IVF stuff. Bingo.
It turns out that he had received an email from one of his good friends from law school. In the email, the friend discussed his child and child to be. This obviously got to my husband. It would have gotten to me, too.
I know it’s hard on Dan to think about his two best friends from law school. One has five children. Yes, 5. The fourth one was an oopsie baby, and the fifth one was really an oopsie baby. The fifth was conceived after his friend had a vasectomy.
Dan’s other best friend from law school, the one who sent the email yesterday, is in an uber fertile relationship, too. You see, he was married while they were in law school, albeit unhappily. He met someone else, knocked her up (the oopsie baby trend continues) and got divorced from the other chick. He and his new wife are now expecting their second.
Both of his friends know all about the infertility and IVF stuff. They’ve been supportive, but I know it’s got to be hard for my husband to watch how their lives are turning out reproductively speaking while we spin away on the IVF hamster wheel for what feels like forever.
Honey, I know that you’re not as vocal about all of this stuff as I am, but I know that it’s so damn hard for you, too. I’m sorry, and I love you.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4, various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Thanks for writing this bit up. It really means a lot to me. I’m sure that all IF women understand what you are saying, but it does feel good to read it.
I try really hard to communicate with my DW. Sometimes, though, it is much easier to think about and it express myself “logically ” in my own terms without getting interupted by serious “emotion” (hence the blog).
I just wish there were more IF men out there blogging…
My husband was so sick of getting upset every time a pregnancy announcement came at work that he wrote an e-mail filter to send them right to the trash. For the first year or so I thought we were on two different pages. After that I realized we just dealt with it different ways, but he was hurting as much as I was.
DH really had a hard time with our primary IF. It was really hard for him to see pics of our friends’ kids- luckily there weren’t too many. 2ndary IF has been hard, but less so for him than me (I think he’s mainly just upset that it so hard on me.)
It was really hard for us to communicate sometimes. The guilt on my side was overwhelming, and he didn’t want to add to my pain so he just hid everything.
IF is so hard. It’s so lonely, because it causes those little separations between you and the one you lvoe most, the one who is battling this with you. Just keep loving each other, it will see you through.
They do suffer through it. I tried to get him to talk about it, but it only made him angry. I wait for him to come to me now. During that wait though, I know he swallows a lot because he wants to be strong for me. How I love that man. I wish I could help him more.
That is a really nice post. My husband is the strong silent type, mostly to spare me because I do all the moaning and whining. I want him to be a dad more than I want to be a mother and I really, really want to be a mother.
Thanks for this … my husband is feeling it more and more and it’s hard to watch.
Thanks for reminding me that it is not, in fact, All About Me. My husband is the always happy type so it is easy to forget that he’s sick of being IF, too.
I think you’re right about men being quiter about it all. DH doesn’t bring it up that often. My husband could probably relate to Dan, it seems like we’ve been left behind by all of our friends.
Thank you so much for your post. I know my boyfriend is sad/angry/hurting/confused too. I know about it, but not many others do, he is just more quiet about the whole situation, blames himself a lot and still has to get over the fact that it is “his fault” (as he calls it, not me) that we have to go through all this. I am the one being and talking about belly-envy all the time, he maybe can’t relate to it, but when he holds a newborn (they are everywhere in our circle of friends these days) I see in his eyes that he wishes nothing more than to hold his own little newborn. He was the one crying like a baby (how ironic is that) when the doctors told us that we actually have a shot at getting pregnant with IVF and that not all hope is lost. He cares - a lot - I know that.
Like A Dad Someday…thank you for discussing how your husband is dealing with all this stuff. Too few of the husbands out there find an outlet for their feelings dealing with these topics.