Meltdown Mode January 21, 2006
Oh, you knew it was coming sooner or later, right? I think there’s at least one point in time in every cycle where a meltdown is inevitable. What would an IVF cycle be without a little freaking out thrown in for good measure?
I’m exhausted. The Dexamethasone is kicking my ass with it’s insomnia producing properties. I haven’t slept past 6am in a week. This morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep for anything.
The driving is wearing me out, too. Oh, it just sucks so much. I thought an IVF cycle was tough while cycling in town, but no, driving for hours on end many days a week just makes it that much harder.
I’m sure the insomnia stuff isn’t all Dex related. I’m sure the fact that I’m beyond concerned about this E2 situation isn’t helping. Let’s see. My E2 went from 1217 to 3557 in two days. Anyone want to guess what it will be tomorrow morning? 7000? Higher? Yeah, not good.
I don’t think they’ll be able to coast me because of the increasing P4 level. They want it to stay under 2, and it was already 0.7 yesterday. I’m sure it will be close to the “danger zone” tomorrow if it hasn’t already gone over it.
So, I guess that leaves triggering early or cancelling. Yeah, not liking those options too much. I guess there’s also the freeze all option, but I definitely don’t like that idea either. I can only hope that my E2 won’t totally freak out on me before tomorrow morning and that my follicles will have grown as much as possible so we don’t lose two-thirds of them if we have to trigger tomorrow night.
It’s just all too much at the moment. Lack of sleep, travel induced exhaustion, dealing with sore ovaries, worrying about my ever increasing estrogen levels. It’s just a lot to deal with at once.
Oh, and to add the cherry on the top of the sundae, some random fruit loop decided to post on my clinic cycling thread on one of the boards I post on with some “God will make IVF work” crap. It’s bad enough that she wandered onto our thread looking for info about a clinic located clear across the country, and bad enough that she had to mention that both she and her new husband had kids without trouble in their previous marriages, but she’s got to throw out this stuff:
“I pray for victory on our first IVF IN JESUS NAME I PRAY WE WILL CONCEVE< THANK YOU LORD I LOVE YOU. Please pray with us for anyone who is going through this infertile battle THE DEVIL WILL NOT WIN. BE BLESSED!!!>–>”
Well, that’s just to damn much for me right now, and I made her aware of that fact. Hell, I guess that just means that the devil is kicking my ass right now or something. Why do people think it helps to tell people who are on their umpteenth cycle or who have had losses (and I’m definitely not the only one on that thread who can claim such things) stuff like that? It doesn’t.
Enough of that. Moving on. I really hope getting all of this out will help halt meltdown mode. It’s so not becoming.
It’s funny because I can remember very distinctly feeling this way at some point in every other cycle I’ve done. You always get to that “I can never, ever do this again” moment. You just feel like it’s insane to be going through it all. And I guess it is. We all know that once we finally do get through it all, that we’ll look back with that selective memory we’ve all grown so familiar with, and be able to see why we tried so damn hard.
I know it’s worth it. I know I’m going to survive it all again one more time. Knowing that I’ve done it before, even if it wasn’t under the exact same circumstances, helps me know that I’ll come through it all more or less in one piece. No matter how hard things are, we always find a way to make it. Infertiles are just tough like that, I guess.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Ugh…I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this worry and freaking out. You’re right in that it’s inevitable at some point in an IVF cycle but dammit, it doesn’t make it easy. Not to sound trite but I’m hoping so badly for you…I’ll be on pins and needles waiting to find out how tomorrow goes.
Oh and that religous nut is unreal…WTF?!?
I think if your big boys quadrupled by Sunday it wouldn’t be terrible to trigger - just my opinion of course and SO hoping for no OHSS.
I think they should have a God Squad board where people that lean that way can go and post and leave us heathens alone.
Hang in there, Amanda. There still seems to be positive indicators for this cycle, I have every hope for you that it will turn out OK. I wish it could be easier!
Uhgg!! People like that make it hard to be respectful. So insensitive!
I hope the sailing will suddenly smooth and you will coast at just the right speed. Any chance you can stay near the clinic overnight soon? Any chance you can pamper yourself a little?
Take care of yourself. We’re pulling for you.
The God thing pisses me off and it always angers the shit out of me…it may have inspired a rant on my own blog…as far as your cycle goes, your body’s reaction is quite impressive. I don’t know what’s better - too much or too little of a reaction…and you may very well have some mature eggs in there. It is totally worth a shot…IVF is all about chance anyway. This cycle may very well be awesome afterall. Stay centered…
Thanks so much guys. What would I do without you?
Avonlea- Dan and I are driving over this afternoon and spending the night tonight. I think that will help the fatigue issue at least some.
Oooh good, glad you can stay the night. Hang in there my dear. You just gotta go day by day with all this….sucky, sucky, I know.
You are one of the toughest out there Amanda. I hope that the next few days fly by. Good luck tomorrow.
You are doing great. It is amazing how strong you are and of course, this is a rough spot. Your body is performing like a champion!
I had to drive only 2 hours for my RE appts and that was too much, I cannot driving so far like you are doing.
I wonder if that is one of my relatives on that board…just kidding, but i bet whoever it is, is Southern Baptist….it sounds like what i grew up with….yep, the devil is evil and it is all his fault. Isn’t there a witch somewhere who can kick his ass?
Hang in there, you’re doing awesome,
Ugh…I hate it when God gets dragged into this. My mother is good for doing that. I tend to avoid avoid her phone calls like the plague when I’m cycling.
I’m having problems too. Apparently I have 19 or so follicles but most of them were only around 10- 13 mm. The largest was only 15mm and that was just one of them. I’m on Day 10 of stimming here.
Also, my lining is only at 7 which really concerns me. I wish this clinic had just let me use viagra since I had great success with it in my last FET (well, not success as in the FET actually working, of course….ha, what an absurd thought… but my lining did get really thick for once).
Anyway, I have to go back in early Mon. morning and will, possibly, be able to trigger that night but, at this slow pace, it’s not looking good. I don’t know why they haven’t bumped up my meds. I’m only on 225 iu. Meanwhile, I still didn’t manage to find out what my E2 is. Knowing me, that’s probably skyrocketing while my follicles are taking their time.
I actually had the “I wish I never started this” moment yesterday followed by the “I will never do this again” moment. I was saying those words to my DH in tears. Little late on Day 9 of stimming to be having regrets. Anyway, the resolve you managed to muster up in your post was encouraging. I need to work on being tougher.
I do really sympathize with that drive you are doing. I had to leave the house at 5:30 this morning to make it to my appt. If I were in your shoes, that would have been more like 3:30. And, I don’t know about you, but sitting in a driving position for that length of time is extremely uncomfortable under the circumstances. It took me a half hour after getting out of the car today to even be able to stand up straight again :{
Ok, enough complaining. Sorry!!
Yikes. Just reread my post and what a mess.
Please excuse all typos and grammatical errors. I’m so tired these days that I can barely string a sentence together.
We are definitely some tough old bitches. Hang in there- it may turn out to be just fine.
It’s Ok. You are allowed one major freak-out per cycle only, kay? Just one, though. Don’t go pushing your luck or I will start praying on your arse hahaha!
Hang in there! You have every right to freak out. Hoping and praying for good results! :-)
Holy crap. Hang in there and keep going.
I’m sorry about that woman, that sucks. Fine if it helps her, but can’t she keep it to herself? I am sorry, dear Amanda.
Keep going, keep going. Like you said, you’ve gotten through this before. I just hope it’s the last time you need to.
Amanda, I’m hoping like hell (hehehe, take that, you happy clappers!) you have a good monitoring this a.m. and your e2 behaves.
Good luck!!!
Hoping everything goes okay today for you Amanda.
Thinking of you!
I’m sorry this is so tough. And the God stuff angers me. If people manage to get through this by relying on their faith, fine. But don’t push it on everyone else. Especially since it seems like most of LOSE our faith somewhere along the way.
Oh Amanda I wish this had been easier. I wonder if it’s even possible to get through stims with no stress. I do hope that they trigger you today - it sounds as if many of your follicles would be ready to go.
Fingers crossed.
My personal favorite is the thumper who told me it was “God’s Will” that I lose 4 pregnancies. That I didn’t deserve to be a parent b/c God was telling me no. Apparently, I’m also not being a good parent to my son, b/c if I was, GOD would want me to have another baby… ::roll eyes::
Everybody who thinks that way can BITE ME.