Lost Faith February 27, 2006
I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately. I’ve been wondering if I’m putting up a strong front while not truly being strong. I’ve been wondering if I’m just fooling myself and everyone else.
The other day I had about convinced myself that was what’s going on. After I gave myself a few days to cool off and come to my senses I realized that’s not really the case.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time giving myself credit. Boy, do I have a hard time with that. I never feel strong enough or skinny enough or happy enough. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife and I have serious doubts that I’ll be a good enough mother. Yeah, you could say that I have some self esteem issues.
Some days, like today, I can take a step back and see that I really am ok. I truly have gained perspective and strength from going through all of this crap. Other days, it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to believe that.
I really need to learn that it’s ok to have faith in myself. I think that’s a hard thing to teach yourself, though.
I’m thankful that I have a husband who has faith in me regardless of whether I have it in myself. He reminds me of how much we really have survived throughout all of this. He reminds me of how it’s made us better. He tells me that after everything I’ve been through that there’s no way that I’m going to be a bad mom. He reminds me that I want it so much more than most people do.
I think traveling the hard road really does force you to be introspective. It forces you to confront the things you don’t like about yourself. But it also lets you see, if you let it, the things that make you proud, the things that give you faith in yourself. I just need to let it.
The Measure of Progress February 23, 2006
I think sometimes it’s really hard to see that we’re making progress even when we feel like we’re stuck or even moving backwards. Obviously I have no major accomplishment to celebrate at the moment, but I’m trying hard to notice the small things, the things that in the grand scheme of things really do mark progress.
The situation with Muffy has been a little better the past two nights. We’ve made it to 6am which is definitely progress. Tuesday night I just decided to be more stubborn than she was and last night I think I was too tired to even realize if she was trying to bug me to get up.
Oh, and for those who asked, Salvador cannot eat Muffy’s prescription food. That would probably be worse than if she ate his food. In July and November of 2004, Salvador fought two very serious bouts of Pancreatitis. We almost lost him the first time. He wouldn’t eat or drink, was throwing up bile, and ended up in the kitty hospital for a week. He ended up having major surgery. It was a very hard time, and it was a hard recovery for him. Pancreatitis is very hard to diagnose, but once we figured out what it was we put him on a very low fat diet. He’s doing fine now and has not had another episode.
It’s very important that we keep him on a low fat diet so that he never has to go through that again. Muffy’s new food has almost twice the fat content of Salvador’s food. That would not be good for him to eat at all.
We may end up having to put Muffy back on normal food anyway. Her body is having a very hard time adjusting to the new prescription food. We started her off on Hills K/D, but it gave her intestinal troubles. Even after reintroducing it to her at a very, very slow pace, her system never got used to it. We are now in the process of switching her over to Purina NF, another prescription kidney food, to see if she does better on it. So far not so much, but we’re giving it some time. I know the prescription food benefits her, but I’m sure she’d just assume do without the side effects.
On to other areas of progress. There’s that whole infertility thing going on (always, always) that needs to be dealt with as well. Some days are easier than others. Some days are down right impossible.
It’s hard for me when I’m having a down day thinking about the fact that I will probably never get to experience a pregnancy that doesn’t end in miscarriage, one that actually results in a real live baby, to realize that processing that grief is actually progress. But it is. Reevaluating our options for after we do this final FET even though I’m pretty darn sure of my opinion on the matter is also progress. It’s important.
I’m not cycling right now, not even close, but that doesn’t mean I can’t move forward even when it feels like I’m moving sideways or standing still. Sometimes just making it through the day in one piece is progress enough. In the end, I hope I can look back and see how far I’ve come, how much progress I really did make along the way even if it didn’t feel like it. I guess I already can to some extent. I guess that in itself is progress.
Who Says Pets Aren’t Like Kids? February 21, 2006
I love my kitties so very much, but I’m exhausted. Just bone tired.
Muffy was put on a prescription food for her kidneys back in December and since then the only times I have slept through the night were when I stayed over in Houston during this last cycle.
You see, Muffy is used to eating whenever the mood hits her. She’s had 24/7 access to food for all of her 14 years up until this kidney issue came up. She’s really not into waiting until one of us gets up in the morning to eat.
When she wants food, she lets me know. Only me, not Dan. She does this by standing on my head, digging through my hair with her paws, meowing, and generally just bugging the crap out of me. She won’t stop until I’ve gotten up and fed her.
And it’s not like this is a one time a night deal. I have to get up at least twice every night to feed my hungry munchkin, and it’s killing me.
Obviously some nights are worse than others like Saturday night when I had to get up three times to feed the hungry monster and then a fourth time to clean up Salvador’s hairball induced puke. Good thing my kitties are so cute and sweet. I just can’t stay upset with those furballs. Plus, I know it’s not their fault.
Now you would think I could just put Muffy down at the end of the bed or throw her out of the bed altogether and she’d stop. No way. She’s a determined and stubborn little thing. (She must get that from me.) Of course it would seem logical just to lock her out of the bedroom until she learned she can’t eat while we sleep, but we can’t do that. Salvador, our other precious kitty, cannot handle closed doors. He would literally scratch at the door and carpet all night if we closed the door.
I have no clue what to do. I feed her plenty throughout the day and always make sure she eats right before bedtime, but that only gets me to about 3am. My husband says I just need to let her learn that she can’t have food overnight. Well honey, you’re not the one she’s going crazy on when she’s hungry. If I don’t get up to feed her, I don’t sleep at all. Plus, she’s a cat. You don’t train cats. They train you. And yes, it’s apparent to me that’s what we’ve got going on here.
I’m really stuck as to what to do. She can’t eat Salvador’s food and he can’t eat hers so we can’t leave either of them out on the floor overnight. We leave Salvador’s food up on the counter where Muffy can’t get it, so he can eat whenever he chooses (not fair, I know.) I just don’t know what to do about Muffy. I know she needs her special food, but I also know that if I don’t get a decent night’s sleep one of these days I’m going to fall over.
What to do, what to do? Hell, if I know. I guess I should start taking naps.
Muchas Gracias
Thank you. You see that I meant it when I said that this crap had brought some of the best friends ever into my life.
Now It’s Over February 17, 2006
My beta was 1.5 today so we can now officially close the book on this cycle. I am very glad that I’m done being stuck for the time being.
Right now I feel an intense need to educate myself on our available family building options even more so than I have in the past. I bought Helping the Stork and Adopting After Infertility after the miscarriage last fall. I’ve pulled them back out the past couple of days. I reread one yesterday and am in the process of reading the other one again today.
Also, since we’ve moved since last fall, I now have a whole new library at my disposal. I’ve made note of the adoption books that I want to check out and will be going to stock up on them shortly.
It helps to read. It helps to think about something other than the upcoming FET. It helps to know that whatever path we may decide to go down, we will be parents.
I read something the other day that got me thinking. It actually made me feel sorry for myself a bit because I’m the “failed cycle girl.” I know it’s nice to read blogs of people who have beaten the odds. Obviously I’m not one of them, and I guess that can seem depressing at times to not only me but to people who read my blog.
You know what, though. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want anyone else to either. Yes, my lot so far in this reproductive pursuit has totally sucked. That’s pretty much an understatement. I may not be the poster child for IVF (ok, I know I’d be the very last one considered for that position) but I will get my happy ending. Be damn sure of it. Someday, somehow it will happen. Maybe not in the way I originally imagined it would happen and maybe not in the time frame I would have hoped for, but I will be a mother one day.
Until then I can focus on what I’ve gotten out of going through all of this shit: finding some of the best friends that I could possibly have, knowing that my marriage is solid as a rock, discovering that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be, and learning that I can survive anything.
Peeking Out from the Cave February 16, 2006
I’ve been pretty quiet, off in my own little cave, for the past few days. I honestly haven’t been having the easiest of times. Things have been really tough going lately. I guess that’s to be expected, though.
I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that our child will come into our lives through a way other than IVF. Yes, we do have four high quality blasts in the freezer. Yes, technically that gives us another chance, but I don’t really believe it does. I really don’t believe that IVF will ever work for us. I think we could do more cycles after this next one and never find success. This isn’t just me giving up hope. It’s me facing reality.
There’s got to be something going on with our embryos. I read a post by someone else who’s husband also had obstructive azoospermia. They had done 4 fresh cycles and 4 FETs without success. On their last cycle they did PGD, and none, not a single one, of their embryos were chromosomally normal. It wouldn’t surprise me if the same thing was going on with us. Of course, we’ll never know for sure, but it think it’s a distinct possibility.
It’s really hard to start thinking seriously in terms of other options when we’ve been at this IVF stuff so long, when we’ve devoted so much time, energy, heart, and money to it. I know it’s going to be time to move on after this FET, though. I finally know.
It’s weird to know. After every other failed cycle, I was so ready to jump back into another cycle, to give it another try. When we started out doing this IVF stuff, I honestly thought it would work if we just did enough cycles. I’ve come to realize that’s just not the case now.
I think I’ve kind of surprised myself by not thinking in terms of doing another fresh cycle. I’ve never been in this place where it wasn’t a given (in my mind anyway) that we’d keep on cycling.
We have a while before the FET since I have to take a cycle off and then have to do the never ending medicated FET protocol. I’ll be taking that time to do some real soul searching. I’m sure my husband and I both will.
Oh, and when I said in my last post that I was glad that this cycle was over, well that wasn’t technically correct. Of course it’s over in terms of knowing how things turned out, but unfortunately I still have one more damn beta to look forward to. Yes, the torture continues. I have to have betas done until my number has dropped all the way to negative. I’m assuming that tomorrow will be the day since the wrath of the post failed cycle period has decided to grace me with it’s presence today. Hopefully we’ll be able to officially close the book on this cycle after my beta tomorrow.
The Beginning of the End February 13, 2006
Beta was 10 today. I’ve got mixed feelings about it. I really am relieved to have it over. I didn’t want this dragging out any longer than it already had. I’ll take a chemical over an ectopic or a miscarriage later on any day.
On the other hand, I can’t help but feel the loss. It’s not that I ever thought this was going to work out, but man, it still hurts. A lot.
I’m feeling stronger today than yesterday, though. I talked to my mom last night and she asked me how I was doing. I replied that I was doing my best to hang in there. She said that she had no idea how I did it. I told her that I didn’t have any other choice. That’s the truth. You either keep hanging in there or you die. So, hang in there it is.
I really feel like this is never going to work for us. There are no real answers as to why it hasn’t, but I suspect that there’s got to be something funky going on with the chromosomes of our embryos. I don’t know how else to explain the failed cycles, chemicals, and miscarriage. So even though we have four high quality blasts in the deep freeze, I have to admit that I don’t have much hope for them.
Maybe this is just what we have to go through to eventually find the child that is meant to be ours. I know a lot of people don’t like to think that way, but it’s something that helps me get through all of the unimaginable heart break. I can honestly say that I have no clue how our child will come into our lives. It doesn’t look like IVF is going to do the trick, so it will probably be in some other way. I do know this, though. I am not going to stop fighting until my arms are no longer empty. I have to believe that surviving days like today will all be worth it in the end. How else can I get through this? I have to hold on to that. And I’m holding on tight.
Sometimes It’s Hard to Hang In There February 12, 2006
I think I do a pretty good job of hanging in there despite all of the shit that’s been thrown my direction, but sometimes it takes a lot more effort than others. Today is one of those days.
I knew the wait for this cycle to officially come to an end wouldn’t be easy. Hell, I’ve had plenty of experience with the hard road. I know it really, really well. I’m just tired of having to hang in there all the time. I mean, this shit can wear a person out.
Worn out I most definitely am. I’m tired of never catching a break. I’m tired of watching good news pop up all around me but never having any of it for myself. I’m tired of the constant reminders. They’re everywhere, you know.
It’s really fucking hard to fight the multiple failed IVF cycles/multiple losses double whammy. A negative beta would have been easier. It just would have. I hate being a teeny, tiny bit pregnant. It’s just harder.
I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of feeling like a freaking embryo graveyard. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.
I know none of this is my fault. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change how any of this has gone. I know there are no answers to the “why’s.” Trust me, I know all of that. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.
I just want a fucking baby. I don’t get why that’s too much to ask for. I don’t get why it has to be so hard.
I know I’ll survive this. I always do. I know that I’ll be able to brush myself off and get back in the game one more time. I have to. I know I’ll find the strength to do so once again. I’m tired, though. Very tired.
Because I Haven’t Been Tortured Enough February 9, 2006
I guess the universe decided it wasn’t done fucking with me after all. Beta was 18 this morning. Crap.
This does not mean that this is going anywhere good. It just means things are going to be dragged out even longer. A beta of 18 at 11dp5dt is shit. Plus, we really have no clue if it’s really risen much if any since my betas were done at two different labs. It’s just more torture.
I had a feeling this was going to happen. Things can’t ever be easy. I’ve come to expect that.
Despite everything, I’m still hanging in there. I don’t really know how, but I am. I guess if you live through enough dissapointment, you just get used to it. I expect the hard road, and that’s usually what I get.
I really do wish this was easier, but there’s nothing I can do to change how things have played out in the past or how things will play out in the future. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.
So, what next? I have to stay on all meds (and I’m so excited about that fact) and go back for yet another beta on Monday. The hope is that it will have at least started to fall by then. I don’t want this to drag out forever. Some resolution would be a welcome change.
Thank you all for your support throughout all of this crap. I couldn’t do it without you.
What’s Worse Than a Negative Beta? February 7, 2006
That would be a beta of 7. Mother fucking 7. Just high enough so that we can’t offically close the book on this cycle yet.
Today was tough in more ways the one. The drive over and back to Houston sucked more than usual. I got stuck in some massive construction traffic both ways, but on the way over I was really stuck. The “sit there with your car in park while you watch people get out of their cars” kind of stuck. I took me an hour longer than it usually does to get over there. It would have been even longer if I hadn’t hauled ass during the second half of the drive to make up some time. So, I was there later than I was supposed to be for beta, but I didn’t really care as long as I was there in time for my appointment with my RE.
I got my blood drawn, grabbed a quick bite to eat, and then headed in to talk to my RE. You wanna know what’s weird? Getting your beta results in person. You think over the phone sucks. This was worse. The lab actually called my RE right in the middle of my follow up. You know, I was really prepared to hear that it was negative. Finding out that it was 7 threw me for a loop.
My RE didn’t really have any answers for me. I didn’t expect him to. I never expect answers during a follow up. Usually there are none to be had. He said that this should have worked for us by now.
We discussed plans for my FET. He wants me to have one natural cycle before starting the prep for the FET. Then I get to do the oh so fun and never ending medicated FET protocol including BCPs, Lupron, Vivelle patches, and PIO. With the break cycle and the length of that type of FET protocol (about 7 weeks) I won’t be able to transfer again for 3 months. That sucks so badly. I really, really wanted to get another shot before my would be due date in mid April. Not gonna happen.
All of these FET plans are assuming that this is a chemical that we’re dealing with. If it’s something nastier like an ectopic then who knows what’s going to happen with the plans.
So, after my follow up, I grabbed a FET price sheet (boy are the FETs expensive at my clinic) and headed out. To add insult to injury, I had a not so pleasant elevator experience on the way out of the hospital. I got in on floor 7 only to have it stop on floor 5 to pick up more people. In walks a woman with big round pregnant belly holding fresh off the press ultrasound pics. It took all of my power not to completely lose it right then and there. By the time I got to my car, I was bawling. Yeah, this has been a good day.
This is obviously not a situation that’s going to end well. I have to go in for a repeat beta on Thursday to see if it’s dropped down in the negative range. I’m hoping that it will because the last thing I need to deal with is beta hell or worse, some crappy ectopic situation.
I’m getting beta #2 done in town. I need to make some arrangements tomorrow to get it done at the IVF clinic here, and that always proves to be a pain in the ass. It will be better than making the drive again, though.
So, yeah. That was beta day in a nutshell. I’m freaking worn out. I’m glad days like today don’t happen everyday. I’d never make it.
Sometimes You Just Know February 6, 2006
I really did want to be wrong, but I knew I wasn’t. It didn’t matter how many times people told me that it wasn’t over, I knew what I was feeling. I know my body pretty darn well.
This was confirmed this morning by two different brands of HPTs. As expected, they were both negative. I’m 8dp5dt today, so I have no doubt that it’s over. I’ve broken out the HPTs on all five of my previous cycles, and through 3 BFNs, 1 BFP, and 1 chemical, they have never led me astray. I have no reason to believe they’re lying to me now.
I called and talked to my IVF coordinator this morning to see if there was any way I could get in to see my RE for my follow up when I go in tomorrow for beta. I’m sure this isn’t customary, but I really want to talk to my RE before proceeding with the FET and I’d prefer to do so in person. I also didn’t want to make a separate trip over to do so.
My wonderful IVF coordinator did some creative scheduling and got me in to see my RE at 11:30 tomorrow morning. I still need to be there by 10 for beta so they can get the results back the same day, but I’m glad I’ll be able to do both while I’m over there tomorrow.
What kills me is that I really thought this was our best shot. I was diagnosed with the MTHFR stuff and was being treated for it. I had a stellar cycle. We had awesome blasts to transfer. The not knowing why this stuff doesn’t work for us is very hard to deal with.
I really think this may never happen for us. All I could think of while I was sitting there waiting for the magic 10 minutes to pass (even though I knew that if those lines hadn’t popped up within the first few that they weren’t going to) was that I’m never going to be pregnant again and that I’m never going to have a bio kid. I want both very, very much, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
You can try with all your might, you can cycle and cycle and cycle, you can pour all of your money into the pockets of your REs, but that’s not always enough. I wish I knew what it would take to finally have my dream fulfilled. Maybe it won’t ever happen no matter what I do. That thought just breaks my heart.
I Couldn’t Do It February 5, 2006
I’ve got some HPTs just waiting for me to break them out of their shiny new boxes. When I bought them I thought I might test this morning. I’m 7dp5dt today, so they’d be pretty reliable at this point. I just can’t do it, though.
I just want one more day before the world falls in on me for the sixth time. I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming, and I just don’t want to see it yet.
I do have to know before the phone call, though. I have to. No matter how scared I am of getting bad news from FRED, the thought of waiting to find out through that damn phone call is terrifying. I need the heads up before then. Since beta is on Tuesday, it looks like tomorrow morning is it. I’ll be peeing on sticks in less than 24 hours whether I really want to or not.
On a lighter note, thanks for the compliments on my new look. I really like it. I got inspired after seeing the changes over at Inconceivable. Many, many thanks to my husband for helping me with the technical stuff. I was just so not in the mood to deal with all of that FTPing crap. Fiddling with a WordPress theme is not the easiest thing to do. It was a good distraction to work on switching things over yesterday. And we all know that distractions during the 2ww are a very good thing.
What a Pain in the Ass February 4, 2006
I think Dan hit a nerve while doing my PIO shot last night. Holy crap, it hurts. When you consider how long I’ve been doing these damn shots (15 or so weeks over the course of six cycles) I guess stuff like this is inevitable.
I managed to fall asleep last night and was doing ok until Muffy woke me up for her 5am feeding. I just couldn’t go back to sleep after that. There is no position that I can sit or lay in that doesn’t hurt. Plus, as a fun bonus, I can barely walk. Forget crossing my legs. I always cross my legs in one form or another, so now I feel completely wonky having to sit here with both feet on the floor.
I remember this happening before in a previous cycle. I guess there’s nothing I can do but wait for it to get better. Well, that and complain about it.
I still can’t shake this feeling that this cycle didn’t work. I’m just completely convinced that I’m headed towards a negative come beta day. It doesn’t matter how many people try to convince me that how I’m feeling in this 2ww shouldn’t be compared with how I felt during the 2ww I got pregnant, I’m not buying it.
I’m not having any of the symptoms I had by this point last cycle. Not one. My boobs have turned out to be a pretty darn good pregnancy litmus test. Sore boobs= positive beta. Lack of sore boobs= negative beta. You guessed it, they’re not the least bit sore this cycle. Last cycle they had started by 6dp3dt and were continuing to drive me crazy with their hope inspiring properties on 7dp3dt.
I’m 6dp5dt transfer today and nada. No sore boobs, no memory loss, no exhaustion, no nothing. I know, I know, plenty of people get a positive beta without symptoms. I just don’t believe that I’m one of them. I could believe that if this was my first cycle and had nothing to compare it to. I know how I felt when I was pregnant, though. And yes, I know every pregnancy is different, but that still doesn’t change where my mind stands on this one. I’m convinced. And there’s just nothing that can be done to change that. I just have to hope that I’m wrong.
What a Difference a Protocol Can Make February 2, 2006
I thought it might be interesting to do a side by side comparison of IVF #3 and IVF #4.
| IVF #3 | IVF #4 | ||
| Long Lupron | Microdose Lupron | ||
| no break after previous FET cycle | forced break due to m/c | ||
| 4 weeks on BCPs | 10 days on BCPs | ||
| 375IU of stims entire cycle | 450IU dropping every two days down to 225IU | ||
| trigger on day 12 | trigger on day 9 | ||
| E2 1201 at trigger | E2 7542 at trigger | ||
| 7 eggs retrieved | 30 eggs retrieved | ||
| 5 mature | 22 mature | ||
| 4 fertilized with ICSI | 18 fertilized with ICSI | ||
| 3 embryos on day 3, all 8 cells and above | 18 embryos on day 3, 16- 8 cells and above | ||
| transferred 3 on day 3 | transferred 3 on day 5 | ||
| none to freeze | 4 blasts frozen | ||
| result: pregnant but miscarried | result: ???? |
What a difference, huh? I mean, looking at that you would think that those were cycles from two different people. IVF #3 bordered on poor responder territory and IVF #4 was just the opposite. Crazy.
The truth of the matter is, though, that it doesn’t matter how things go along the way, it’s all about the end result. Will this cycle end up working? Who knows.
Quite honestly, I’m not in a pretty place right now. I’m in a “there’s no way it worked this time” place, and I can’t get out of it. I guess only time will tell if I’m right or not. It sure would be a shame to have such an awesome cycle only to have it wind up failing in the end.
Can You OD on Gatorade? February 1, 2006
When I had my pre transfer talk with my RE on Sunday, I asked her when the risk of developing OHSS would drop. She said two weeks. I don’t know if she meant two weeks past trigger, two weeks past retrieval, or two weeks past transfer because I was too focused on the embryo stuff to ask her to which two weeks she meant, but obviously it means that I’m not out of the woods yet.
I did some googling on the subject and discovered that there are actually two types of OHSS: early onset and late onset. I hadn’t realized that. I guess most of the time you hear about people developing symptoms fairly early on. It appears that’s not always the case.
Early onset OHSS usually starts 3-7 days after trigger while the late onset form starts 12-17 days after trigger. Most of the time the late onset form occurs in response to rising HCG levels resulting from pregnancy. The late onset form of OHSS tends to be more severe than the early form.
Interesting. I guess technically speaking I’m past the risk of developing the early form, and it looks like the chances of getting the late form are only worth worrying about if I somehow manage to get pregnant this cycle.
I’m still drinking my Gatorade like a good girl just in case. I like that stuff as much as the next guy, but even I’m starting to get sick of it. I’ve been throwing some Propel into the mix for variety’s sake.
I’m still trying to keep the protein intake up there, too. I found a way to make those yucky premade protein shakes palatable. Take a heaping scoop of chocolate ice cream, add half a chocolate protein shake, and mix together in a blender. Much better.
I’ve been keeping an eye on my body, too. (Ok, it’s not just because of the OHSS risk. We all know that it’s impossible not to analyze our bodies for “symptoms” during the 2ww.) I’ve managed to gain back a pound from the weight I lost after ER. Not really surprising given how freaking snacky the PIO is making me. Obviously a pound up or down is not something to be concerned over.
The thing that is a tad concerning is the fact that I’ve been experiencing some persistent nausea the past few days. Nausea is a OHSS symptom, but it’s not severe so I think I’m ok as of right now. I can still eat and drink and all that good stuff plus vomiting or anything of the sort has yet to come into play, so I’m not freaking out about it. It sure is a pain, though. Like the extreme tiredness from the PIO isn’t enough to make me feel like crap.
I do remember that when I was popping Estradiol like candy during one of my stubborn lining FETs that I got nauseated from all of the estrogen. I guess this nausea could be as a result of high E2 levels and not necessarily OHSS. Still something to keep an eye on, I guess.
I guess only time will tell if I’m spared the wrath of OHSS. You would think with an E2 of 7542 at trigger that my chances would be fairly good, but I guess you never really know. I have to admit that if my choices are no OHSS and no pregnancy or getting OHSS and actually getting pregnant, that I’d have to choose the latter. We all know these things aren’t up to those of us going through them, though. We never get to call the shots.