Sometimes You Just Know February 6, 2006
I really did want to be wrong, but I knew I wasn’t. It didn’t matter how many times people told me that it wasn’t over, I knew what I was feeling. I know my body pretty darn well.
This was confirmed this morning by two different brands of HPTs. As expected, they were both negative. I’m 8dp5dt today, so I have no doubt that it’s over. I’ve broken out the HPTs on all five of my previous cycles, and through 3 BFNs, 1 BFP, and 1 chemical, they have never led me astray. I have no reason to believe they’re lying to me now.
I called and talked to my IVF coordinator this morning to see if there was any way I could get in to see my RE for my follow up when I go in tomorrow for beta. I’m sure this isn’t customary, but I really want to talk to my RE before proceeding with the FET and I’d prefer to do so in person. I also didn’t want to make a separate trip over to do so.
My wonderful IVF coordinator did some creative scheduling and got me in to see my RE at 11:30 tomorrow morning. I still need to be there by 10 for beta so they can get the results back the same day, but I’m glad I’ll be able to do both while I’m over there tomorrow.
What kills me is that I really thought this was our best shot. I was diagnosed with the MTHFR stuff and was being treated for it. I had a stellar cycle. We had awesome blasts to transfer. The not knowing why this stuff doesn’t work for us is very hard to deal with.
I really think this may never happen for us. All I could think of while I was sitting there waiting for the magic 10 minutes to pass (even though I knew that if those lines hadn’t popped up within the first few that they weren’t going to) was that I’m never going to be pregnant again and that I’m never going to have a bio kid. I want both very, very much, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
You can try with all your might, you can cycle and cycle and cycle, you can pour all of your money into the pockets of your REs, but that’s not always enough. I wish I knew what it would take to finally have my dream fulfilled. Maybe it won’t ever happen no matter what I do. That thought just breaks my heart.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry.
oh amanda! I am soo sorry :-(. I am really thinking of you. Don’t know what more to say than that I am soo sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of this shit!
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I typed the wrong url…it’s http://stellaandben.blogspot.com
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Damn, damn, damn. My heart goes out to you. Thank God for kind IVF coordinators who make scheduling miracles happen when you need them most.
I am so very sorry, sweetie. I was so hoping you’d get good news this go-around, and it just sucks that you didn’t.
I’m so, so sorry Amanda.
I’m so sorry, Amanda.
Amanda, I don’t know what to say. I’m just trying to send you some strength.
I am so sorry Amanda.
So, so sorry Amanda.
I’m so sorry, cookie. So very sorry.
I am really sorry that things didn’t turn out for you. I know it is painful. We’re all here for you.
Just heartsick for you and your husband. I am so sorry.
Damn, damn, damn. I’m so sorry.
Your last sentences say it all:
You can try with all your might, you can cycle and cycle and cycle, you can pour all of your money into the pockets of your REs, but that’s not always enough.
Exactly how I’ve been feeling.
I’m really sorry- I wish it had turned out differently.
I’ve been lurking for awhile, silently sending my very best wishes to your and your husband. I just wanted to add my voice to those already here. I’m so profoundly sorry.
I am so so sorry. I wish all the hopes and wishes would just make it so.
Amanda – hold on to the faith that you will be a mother. It might not be exactly how you envisioned it, but you will be a mother. Hang in there chica.
I am so very sorry, Amanda.
I’m so sorry, Amanda.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you.
Delurking…
I’ve been following your story for a long time now and I was holding my breath for you. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry also Amanda.
Thinking of you and Dan.
It is all such a mystery, this stuff. I am so sorry about your results & will be thining of you.
I’m sorry, Amanda. Really and truly sorry.
Oh Amanda. Oh darling, I am so sorry. I was hoping with all my might that this would be it for you.
Glad you have such a good IVF coordinator.
But I am above all sorry, beyond what I can even attempt to express here.
My heart is breaking for you both again, Amanda. I am thinking of you, sweetie.
I am so very sorry and wish that all our hopes for you could just make it happen.
I’m so sorry, Amanda.
Another delurker – I had been hoping so hard for you, Amanda, and I’m sorrier than I can say.
I’m so sorry. I hope your RE gives you some useful information tomorrow.
I am so so very sorry. No day on this part of the journey will ever suck as bad as this one. Wish that you could warp speed through this part.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. I was wishing so hard for you.
DA**IT! I am so, so sorry. Here for you whatever you need.
Sorry doesn’t even begin to cut it. Thinking of you.
Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I have been down that road so many times myself. It took 6 IVF/ICSI cycles (1 miscarriage and 5 negatives) to get to my son. What kept me going was the inability to make peace with any other option, and the belief that everything happens for a reason. My son is 3.5 now, and we have done 3 more IVFs since 9/04, with 2 negatives and 1 chemical (this past December). I’m gearing up for number 10 this spring. Being in this for so long, I have seen terrible cycles work, and great ones fail. It is really impossible to make sense of it all.
Sorry for rambling. I just want you to know that the gut feeling of cycle failure and snow white HPTs are a big part of my life too. You can email me if you want to “talk.”
Oh, Amanda, my heart is with you. I’m so sorry….
I’m just so disappointed for you and Dan. So very, very sorry.
Oh Amanda, I am so sorry. I just don’t understand any of this.
You are in my thoughts.
I’m sorry honey – so incredibly sorry.
This is so unfair. The worst thing about this technology is it gives people some hope but I think it actually ends up making things even harder on the ones it doesn’t deliver for. I mean if it wasn’t out there or one knew it wasn’t going to work for them, other options would end up being explored sooner. It seems like some of us just get stuck in limbo forever and lose our careers, years of our lives, savings, etc. and end up with nothing to show for it. Sorry….I know it’s not like you need a downer at the moment. I’m just feeling so negative right now. If anyone deserves to have this work you and your husband do and I’m just very frustrated for you.
I think getting that consultation scheduled tomorrow was a really smart thing to do. I’ll be hoping your RE has some idea what might be going on.
Please take care of yourself and have a safe trip.
Oh Amanda, I am so sorry for you and Dan. You are both in my thoughts.
Still thinking about you Amanda.. Sending you many, many hugs..
I’m sorry. There’s not much else to say that could possible help you right now.- It’s crappy news, and we’re all thinking of you.
I woke up feeling all full of hope and ran to my computer to see what happened.
This just sucks.
I’m so sorry Amanda.
Amanda…I am so angry for you. Angry because you fought so hard for this, physically and mentally, and angry because it seems that no matter what we do, infertility kicks us in the face. I am so sorry.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. What a huge disappointment.
Amanda, I’m sorry. This just sucks so bad.
I am so sorry.
I don’t belive in the ment to be theory. So please don’t give up your hopes. I mean you know best what you should do… but don’t let people persuade you with “well maybe it just isn’t meant for you to become a mother” crap.
Thinking of you.
I’m sorry hon. I wish we could just fix it.
This sucks. I’m so sorry. Maybe one day we’ll know why this is so crappy for some of us.
Take care, and be very, very kind to yourself at this time. *Hugs*
I’m so so sorry amanda. How unbelievably disappointing. It’s just very, very sad.
Oh, Amanda. I was right there with you, so excited about this cycle and seeing how different it had been from the previous ones. I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you, wishing there were some way to send comfort, not to mention a different result.
Amanda, I’m so sorry to read this news. I am hurting with you. Thinking of you a lot.
Amanda, this is so unfair. So unfair. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry, Amanda. I wish there were more that I could say. But there’s not. So sorry will have to do.
Rachel