Sometimes It’s Hard to Hang In There February 12, 2006
I think I do a pretty good job of hanging in there despite all of the shit that’s been thrown my direction, but sometimes it takes a lot more effort than others. Today is one of those days.
I knew the wait for this cycle to officially come to an end wouldn’t be easy. Hell, I’ve had plenty of experience with the hard road. I know it really, really well. I’m just tired of having to hang in there all the time. I mean, this shit can wear a person out.
Worn out I most definitely am. I’m tired of never catching a break. I’m tired of watching good news pop up all around me but never having any of it for myself. I’m tired of the constant reminders. They’re everywhere, you know.
It’s really fucking hard to fight the multiple failed IVF cycles/multiple losses double whammy. A negative beta would have been easier. It just would have. I hate being a teeny, tiny bit pregnant. It’s just harder.
I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of feeling like a freaking embryo graveyard. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.
I know none of this is my fault. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change how any of this has gone. I know there are no answers to the “why’s.” Trust me, I know all of that. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.
I just want a fucking baby. I don’t get why that’s too much to ask for. I don’t get why it has to be so hard.
I know I’ll survive this. I always do. I know that I’ll be able to brush myself off and get back in the game one more time. I have to. I know I’ll find the strength to do so once again. I’m tired, though. Very tired.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I am just so sorry. You are in my thoughts.
You are in my thoughts too. Nothing else to say than that I am sorry too and that I admire you for being so strong!!!
N
I hate that you’re so down. If I could shoulder some of the pain and anger for you, trust me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Hi Amanda…I won’t offer you encouraging, sympathtic and hopeful wishes because I know at this point they don’t help the situation. From one tired ivf-er to another, my only advice is: let yourself be tired. To get through it, you have to feel it. Be sad, be bitchy, be spiteful, whatever it takes. And take your time.
No one could walk in your shoes and not be wearied by it. Rest up and know I’m thinking of you.
Of course you are tired. This is all so draining, even someone as strong as you are can’t help but hit a wall sometimes. I hope things turn around for you soon.
Oh honey, I know. I know. I’m tired too.
I’m so sorry for all this. So sorry.
I love you and I am so very sorry you are having to endure all of it.
It is hard not to feel that way. Just try to get through, that is all you can try to do.
-Jenny
i’m so sorry. you’ve been through so much.
It sucks, Amanda, it really, really sucks. You’ve had no breaks at all, and I’m mad about that. And terribly sorry.
*HUGS* Made me cry, it could have been me writing it… :(
I’m so very, very sorry.
I’ve started writing various things about 5 times now then deleting them because they seem so inadequate. There’s no doubt you’ve done an amazing job of hanging in there given everything you’ve gone through. Seriously, you are my hero. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have some days like today after all of this. I know you’ll pick yourself back up because you are such a fighter. I just hate that you’re in the position of having to again. :(
I just got caught up.
I’m so, so sorry.
Of course you’re tired, Amanda. What you’ve been going through is unrelenting and punishing and exhausting. Wishing you strength and fortitude and wishing that you didn’t need those anymore. Big hug, my dear.
Wow you sound like I felt such a short time ago. It doesn’t get easier. But never, ever give up. I’m so sorry that you are going through this hell and wish I could say something to make it better. But I can’t and I won’t try, just know that I’m thinking of you and sending you strength.
Amanda this whole thing is exhausting and miserable and it’s amazing that you’ve stood up this well. Hang in there, we’re all sending you lots of love.
I wish I had something to say to make it better.
Amanda, I wish I could share your pain and take some of the burden from you. I know you will pick yourself up eventually as we all do it but sometimes the effort seems more than we can bear. Thinking of you, sweetie.
I know babe, I know. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I wish just one time things had finally right for you. We got so lucky with our first real attempt, even if we had years of hell beforehand. If I’d known then what I know now, I’m not sure how I would have found the strength to keep going. Even though the strength would have been there, it just sucks always have to be the strong one. I’m sorry its always you.