The Beginning of the End February 13, 2006
Beta was 10 today. I’ve got mixed feelings about it. I really am relieved to have it over. I didn’t want this dragging out any longer than it already had. I’ll take a chemical over an ectopic or a miscarriage later on any day.
On the other hand, I can’t help but feel the loss. It’s not that I ever thought this was going to work out, but man, it still hurts. A lot.
I’m feeling stronger today than yesterday, though. I talked to my mom last night and she asked me how I was doing. I replied that I was doing my best to hang in there. She said that she had no idea how I did it. I told her that I didn’t have any other choice. That’s the truth. You either keep hanging in there or you die. So, hang in there it is.
I really feel like this is never going to work for us. There are no real answers as to why it hasn’t, but I suspect that there’s got to be something funky going on with the chromosomes of our embryos. I don’t know how else to explain the failed cycles, chemicals, and miscarriage. So even though we have four high quality blasts in the deep freeze, I have to admit that I don’t have much hope for them.
Maybe this is just what we have to go through to eventually find the child that is meant to be ours. I know a lot of people don’t like to think that way, but it’s something that helps me get through all of the unimaginable heart break. I can honestly say that I have no clue how our child will come into our lives. It doesn’t look like IVF is going to do the trick, so it will probably be in some other way. I do know this, though. I am not going to stop fighting until my arms are no longer empty. I have to believe that surviving days like today will all be worth it in the end. How else can I get through this? I have to hold on to that. And I’m holding on tight.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I just recently started reading your blog and my heart aches for you. I pray that you don’t have to wait much longer to find a way to fill your empty arms.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, and I admire you resilience and ability to be so honest and strong.
“Maybe this is just what we have to go through to eventually find the child that is meant to be ours.”
That’s what kept me going, until Polly. Someday, someday, you will find yours. I am so sorry for all of this pain in the middle, though.
I am so glad the your beta is going down, isn’t that sad, that a lowering beta is considered good news.
You know how my heart aches for you and your husband, it is just mind boggling how you have not had success yet.
Amanda, once again, there are no words. I wish there was something I could say or do to make the hurt go away. Wishing you peace and strength.
I am so sorry. Even feeling that the cycle isn’t going to work before you know for sure doesn’t make this hurt any less. You are really brave and strong to have gone through IVF multiple times. I wish I could make this all better for you and all of us going through infertility. May you some day have the child you’ve desired for so long. Take care.
“You either keep hanging in there or you die. So, hang in there it is.”
Exactly. I feel that way so often.
I hope you find your child very soon. You are always in my thoughts.
Thinking of you.
My thoughts are with you.
You are a fighter.
You are, in fact, the infertiles equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson’s character in ‘Pulp Fiction.’ You are the Bad Motherfucker.
I am glad you are feeling stronger, despite the suckiness of this all. Your attitude is great, and you say it all so well. I am sorry for your pain. You will get there, some way, some how, and I hope it is sooner rather than later.
I’m still so sorry. I’m glad the number is going down instead of being indicative of an ectopic. It’s good to hear you are feeling slightly stronger. Thinking of you.
At least its not ectopic.
I feel like I’m in a similar spot re: next steps. I feel like “what’s the point?” re: our six frozens. I keep envisioning a family in which m,y kids are closer in age than they would be if I use these embryos. I don’t know, maybe it means we’re headed to adopting a toddler? But then the next day I think about gearing up for another try. Who the hell knows how it will all play out, but I just want to be done with it, you know?
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I really was hoping it would work for you this time.
Sending love your way. I’m so sorry.
Amanda, you have a strong spirit despite all of the sadness that has come your way. Yes, your child is still out there and they will find their way to your arms one day. I wish you and Dan didn’t have to go through such heartache to find your child.
It doesn’t matter how early it is, it still fucking hurts. I’m thinking of you.
Amanda, I am so, so sorry. I am awed by your strength and grace. If anybody deserves success it is you and Dan.
I am also awed by your strength and grace.
I wish there was an explanation, it’s so perplexing.
Take care of yourself you’re in our thoughts and hearts.
I just wanted to drop a quick message to say how sorry I am. You are right about hanging onto that knowledge that you won’t stop until your arms have been filled. Sometimes that’s the only thing we have until we reach our goal.
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
I am relieved, in a way, that it is over. And I’m so sad for you, Amanda. So terribly sad. I wish you didn’t have to muster all that strength all the time. Hoping the future has wonderful, wonderful things in store for you.
It’s times like this that saying how sorry I am sounds so lame. What does seems more spot on (been watching to many BBC shows) is to say I’m feeling raw for/with/in empathy with you. I may be standing on the other end of IVF but I still vividly remember that raw feeling. Amanda you are in my thoughts.
You are an amazingly strong woman. My thoughts are with you.
Your cycle ended up echoing my most recent one: 1st beta 7.3, 2nd 19.2, 3rd 9.9. I couldn’t believe how devastated I was when it finally dropped. I mean really, did I think it was going to work out? I guess a tiny part of me did.
I’m so sorry. You have the best attitude possible, and I hope that one day soon you will have your baby in your arms.
Amanda I wish I had better words to use here that would take your pain away, sadly I don’t. I am just so very sorry this wasn’t to be, my thoughts are with you both your an incredible couple and I admire your strength, honesty and hearts.
I’m new to your blog, and I wish I were here at a better time for you. But I admire your obvious strength. And you will find a way to fill your arms. I’ll be watching and cheering from the sidelines.
I’ve thought about you a lot recently and wish there was something I could do or say to comfort you. I’m just so sorry you have to go through all of this.
Oh my dear, I’m glad it’s going down, far better chemical than ectopic, I agree. But what a terrible thing. I am glad you can still see your child, coming to you, and I so admire your strength. But I am so sorry for the way this cycle turned out.
I’m so so sorry, MB {{hug}} I too admire your strength and determination. You are an amazing person. I too know there is a child in your future and I can’t wait for you to finally reach your goal. Lots of {hugs}
I’m thinking of you, Amanda. I so wish you did not have to go through this.
I’m so sad for you and Dan, but your courage and grace under fire are amazing.
So sorry, this is just so hard and shitty. I hope like hell things get easier for you.
Im sorry for the crappy news. :-( Hang in there. Your in my prayers.
Sounds like poor woman’s pgd - sometimes that’s all we can do.
Amanda I wish there was some way to work out what’s going on. I can’t remember, have you had chromosome testing done? My thoughts would be heading the same way if I was you. I wish it was better news.
I’m so sorry.
Hi Amanda,
I have been following your story for some time now and this is the first time I have ever posted on a blog, ever. I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry and think that you are a very strong person, and am sending you my thoughts and prayers.
Think of you Amanda. Hope all is well. I’m glad the beta is down but sad in the same sense. Thinking of you.
Thanks everyone. You all mean so very much to me.
Thalia- Yes, we’ve both been karyotyped. We had that done after my first chemical. That doesn’t mean that there still isn’t something funky going on with the chromosomes of our embryos, though.