Peeking Out from the Cave February 16, 2006
I’ve been pretty quiet, off in my own little cave, for the past few days. I honestly haven’t been having the easiest of times. Things have been really tough going lately. I guess that’s to be expected, though.
I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that our child will come into our lives through a way other than IVF. Yes, we do have four high quality blasts in the freezer. Yes, technically that gives us another chance, but I don’t really believe it does. I really don’t believe that IVF will ever work for us. I think we could do more cycles after this next one and never find success. This isn’t just me giving up hope. It’s me facing reality.
There’s got to be something going on with our embryos. I read a post by someone else who’s husband also had obstructive azoospermia. They had done 4 fresh cycles and 4 FETs without success. On their last cycle they did PGD, and none, not a single one, of their embryos were chromosomally normal. It wouldn’t surprise me if the same thing was going on with us. Of course, we’ll never know for sure, but it think it’s a distinct possibility.
It’s really hard to start thinking seriously in terms of other options when we’ve been at this IVF stuff so long, when we’ve devoted so much time, energy, heart, and money to it. I know it’s going to be time to move on after this FET, though. I finally know.
It’s weird to know. After every other failed cycle, I was so ready to jump back into another cycle, to give it another try. When we started out doing this IVF stuff, I honestly thought it would work if we just did enough cycles. I’ve come to realize that’s just not the case now.
I think I’ve kind of surprised myself by not thinking in terms of doing another fresh cycle. I’ve never been in this place where it wasn’t a given (in my mind anyway) that we’d keep on cycling.
We have a while before the FET since I have to take a cycle off and then have to do the never ending medicated FET protocol. I’ll be taking that time to do some real soul searching. I’m sure my husband and I both will.
Oh, and when I said in my last post that I was glad that this cycle was over, well that wasn’t technically correct. Of course it’s over in terms of knowing how things turned out, but unfortunately I still have one more damn beta to look forward to. Yes, the torture continues. I have to have betas done until my number has dropped all the way to negative. I’m assuming that tomorrow will be the day since the wrath of the post failed cycle period has decided to grace me with it’s presence today. Hopefully we’ll be able to officially close the book on this cycle after my beta tomorrow.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I’m so sorry about the beta saga, and all that it entails for you. Thinking of you.
Amanda, I’m so very sorry. It’s unbelievable what you’ve been through, and nobody should have to endure so much. You have endured it with such grace, strength, and humor - you are so strong.
I’m thinking of you, and hoping things get easier for you guys, oh, how about NOW?!
xoxo
erica
I have been following along and am heartbroken for you. I can completely relate to everything you are saying in this post.
When my last cycle failed and none of our embies went to freeze I was just devestated and thought quickly about another IUI or something but just knew in my heart I couldn’t continue. My mind, body and heart were to broken to continue. I didn’t leave the house for almost 2 weeks.
I think soul searching is important right before your absolute last cycle. My husband and I did that after our first failed IVF and decided 2 was it and that we would move forward with a different option if 2 didn’t work. You have some choices, they aren’t all ideal but you do. And for your peace of mind it is nice going into you last cycle having some of these defined, so you can switch gears if need be. And I hope you feel a little better with each day. Sorry if this sounds too assvicish…
-Jenny
Oh Amanda, I am so sorry. And you are still waiting for this cycle to be well and truly over. Shit.
I am so sorry about everything that you have gone through, everything you continue to go through. You don’t deserve this.
I know, I know. It just sucks so much, doesn’t it?
I am feeling very much in the same spot. I just feel like WTF is the point of an FET right now? But yet I can’t just give up and leave them there, can I?
I’m sorry you have to go through this- it just sucks so much.
Amanda I’m so so sorry that this journey has been such a long and awful one. You’ve always written about plan B, so I hope that if and when plan B becomes plan A, that it seems right, feels as right as it is possible for it to feel.
Hoping that that beta is a good low number (below 5 and therefore negative)
It is just so hard. I am thinking of you.
Thinking of you also and I hope the beta in negative.