Now It’s Over February 17, 2006
My beta was 1.5 today so we can now officially close the book on this cycle. I am very glad that I’m done being stuck for the time being.
Right now I feel an intense need to educate myself on our available family building options even more so than I have in the past. I bought Helping the Stork and Adopting After Infertility after the miscarriage last fall. I’ve pulled them back out the past couple of days. I reread one yesterday and am in the process of reading the other one again today.
Also, since we’ve moved since last fall, I now have a whole new library at my disposal. I’ve made note of the adoption books that I want to check out and will be going to stock up on them shortly.
It helps to read. It helps to think about something other than the upcoming FET. It helps to know that whatever path we may decide to go down, we will be parents.
I read something the other day that got me thinking. It actually made me feel sorry for myself a bit because I’m the “failed cycle girl.” I know it’s nice to read blogs of people who have beaten the odds. Obviously I’m not one of them, and I guess that can seem depressing at times to not only me but to people who read my blog.
You know what, though. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want anyone else to either. Yes, my lot so far in this reproductive pursuit has totally sucked. That’s pretty much an understatement. I may not be the poster child for IVF (ok, I know I’d be the very last one considered for that position) but I will get my happy ending. Be damn sure of it. Someday, somehow it will happen. Maybe not in the way I originally imagined it would happen and maybe not in the time frame I would have hoped for, but I will be a mother one day.
Until then I can focus on what I’ve gotten out of going through all of this shit: finding some of the best friends that I could possibly have, knowing that my marriage is solid as a rock, discovering that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be, and learning that I can survive anything.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
you have such a strong spirit, amanda. as always, I’m impressed with your amazing attitude!
Definitely - you will be a mother someday and going through all of this does make us stronger. Your post helped me realize that I too will be a mother someday - I don’t know in which way yet, but I will be a mother someday. I’ve had some up and downs with dealing with the fact that I will have to do IVF, but knowing that in some way, I will be a mother some day makes me feel a little better. Take care and I look forward to the day when I hear that you are a mother and that you got your happy ending!!!
Yes you are strong! You are my inspiration, honestly! I picture myself in your position in the near future! We have the same pre-conditions…at least it looks like it for now. You will be a great mother, in the not too far future (I know that term is object to discussion). You really are my inspiration, there I said it again!
I have one question though. Have you and your husband ever considered donor sperm? You might have posted on that before….and I have missed it. What is your line of thought about it and what is your husbands? Do you have different opinions?
Take good care of yourself and cuddle with the kitties!
N
Thanks, guys.
Nina- One of the books I mentioned in this post, Helping the Stork, is a book about donor insemination, so yes it’s something we have considered in the past and still are considering to some extent. I’m sure I’ll expound on my feelings about it at some point.
Here here! But I still wish you hadn’t had to.
You said this:
“I guess that can seem depressing at times to not only me but to people who read my blog.”
Well, I’m here to tell you that after I read your blog I do not get depressed. Yes, I cry for you and I curse with you. But, instead of getting depressed I really am in awe of you. You make me feel so empowered. Yes, empowered. And you give me hope. No, you haven’t achieved your “goal” of getting pregnant, but you really are a survivor. You have shown that when you get knocked down, you get back up. Does all this suck? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. Do we wish there was another way? Yes!
But for whatever reason this is the shit we were handed.
And it sucks.
But it’s not a struggle that has no meaning. It’s not all wasted time. I think I told you before that yours was the first blog I ever found as I was doing my first cycle. Your words meant so much to me then and they still do as I’ve faced multiple additional cycles.
I can’t tell you WHY all this crap happens to you, all I can say is that I am so happy to have found you.
Your post made me tear up at the end. You WILL get a happy ending somehow. And I’m so glad the beta is negative now. I know it can be bittersweet, but waiting for it to drop is torture.
You are so strong. I admire your conviction and I have no doubt in my mind that you WILL be a Mother.
Good for you Amanda, I’m very proud on your behalf. I’m glad the beta has dropped, and still bummed that this one didn’t work, but looking forward to watching you build your family. It’s not depressing, it’s inspiring.
You are awesome Amanda. Your courage and strength is inspiring. Thankyou.
Amanda, I admire you for your strength, I know you have no choice but to go through this but it gives me hope to keep on trucking when I think things seem crappy…theres someone else going through crappy times too..and if they can drudge through it, so can I.
Keep your chin up, cry if you need to, but yes you will be a Mom some day.
You will most definitely be a mom, and the path that leads you there will make you realize it was the path you were meant to be on. But it doesn’t mean its a fun process.
Good for you re: educating yourself. Hope it helps bring you to some decisions.
Oh yes I believe you will definitely get your happy ending. You are such an inspiration of strength. I just wish the road didn’t have to be so hard.
Wow, Amanda. That is really impressive. I don’t know how you do it. But good for you that you have found solace. I wish you loads of luck.
Let me add to the chorus and say how much you continue to impress me. I wish things could have been different but in no way do I feel sorry for you (as in “pity”, huge difference). You are too strong for that. Instead I’m just cheering for you to find happiness, and yes, you WILL be a mother. I’m eagerly looking forward to that day.
But you most certainly are the poster child for an amazing beauty and strength and inspiration. I believe your picture is next to the word inspiration in the dictionary my dear.
You are truly amazing. You know, I’ve been feeling so sorry for myself lately. I had also started doing a little reading online about adoption just to snap myself out of my negative mood and remind myself there are other options. It’s just looking at all that stuff without any real plan just felt so overwhelming. IVF has made me so used to failing that I’m almost afraid to begin anything new for fear it won’t work out.
The fact that you’ve gone through so much and have such spirit to fight for what you want, even if it means going down a whole new path, is very encouraging to me and I’m sure to many others who have also fallen on the bad side of the IVF statistics. You’ve reminded me that I’m not completely powerless in all this. While I can’t determine the outcome of IVF and can’t make it work for me if it’s not going to, there are other ways to become a parent if that’s what I truly want and set my mind to. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself and assuming nothing will work out isn’t going to get me there any sooner.
Emily is right. Your picture should definitely be pasted next to the word inspiration in the dictionary!
Add me to the list of people who are inspired by your strength and pulling for you.
I am not sure if it was the same blog I read about someone who wanted to read success stories about IVF cos it was sad and hard going to read about failed cycles. I know they did not try to be mean but it still stings, right?
I never wanted to be different and have to take a different path. I have always known that there is a big chance that I will not be a mother. In fact, it is more likely that I will not be successful with DE treatment and our decision is that adoption is not for us. I have accepted that and will continue to accept and adapt and keep on living my life. Happy endings come in all different packages and I may already have mine. It would be sad but I will survive.
I am still here rooting for you, sweetie. Occasionally with swear words at the universe, but always with love and empathy.
Amanda,
I’m so sorry that things have turned out this way for you. I haven’t commented because I didn’t know what to say. Except it sucks. And that doesn’t even begin to describe it I know.
That being said, closing the door on IVF (if that’s what you decide to do) and moving towards adoption is hard, but for me, it was the best decision I’ve made in this whole stupid mess that’s called infertility. Shit, I could even be described as happy lately (omg who would’ve thought????).
I’m rooting for you w/e you decide. You’ll get your happy ending.
E-mail me if you wanna talk or want some more resources.
(((((big hugs)))))
Jenn
Thanks for the book recommendations, I may check out the second one. I’m starting to think about adoption, but I’m not ready for it yet. But I’d like to know more.
I’m as ever, impressed by you, Amanda, and your partnership with your husband. I’m pleased that you feel so powerful, so in charge. Your story has never depressed me, it has inspired me and awed me. Thank you.
Hon, I don’t feel sorry for you, I feel sorry about the shitty things that happen to you. There’s quite a difference. You, my friend, I feel only admiration and compassion for. You rock.
There’s a lot I want to say, but I can’t find the words. But I’m thinking of you!
Everything you said in the last paragraph is sooo true. You will have your child one day! Via adoption or your frozen cycle. The only thing getting me through these past couple of weeks is the fact that I know I WILL have a child one day from adoption. I’ve actually found myself getting a little excited. Stay strong Amanda, you are a wonderful friend to have also! I know you’ve picked me up when I’ve been rolling around in self-pity. Thank you!
Amanda,
I just want you to know that you are not alone in your pain.
My husband in a type I diabetic, is on dialysis for kidney failure, has high blood pressure and has a condition known as retrograde ejaculation. And as if that was not enough, I endured two myomectomies to remove fibroid tumors. So, when we got pregnant on our first IVF cycle with a set of twins, we thought that finally God had smiled on us.
At five months pregnant, I started having a increase in vaginal fluid, which escalated to preterm labor, which escalated to me giving birth to my baby girl on a Saturday November 27, 2005 and my baby boy on the next Monday which was November 29, 2005. Neither of our babies survived due to them being to premature.
We are still devastated to have been so close to our dreams of being parents and having in taken away in a flash. But, like you and your husband we have some frozen embryos that we plan to have transferred. We are terrified, but are determine to be parents.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
I’m sorry about your beta.
I found “Adopting After Infertility” to be a great book - Did you like it?
“I will get my happy ending” and “be damn sure of it”.
Mottos to live by. I love it.
Aw, it sounds cliché, but what can I say, it fits:
“you go, girl!”
You rock, Amanda.
Amanda,
I just know you’re going to be a mom one day, and a great one at that. I’m so glad that you have the same resolve, and I’m so in awe of your strength and perseverance. Know that your cheering section is huge!
I need to tape this post to my forehead. Kisses.