Lost Faith February 27, 2006
I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately. I’ve been wondering if I’m putting up a strong front while not truly being strong. I’ve been wondering if I’m just fooling myself and everyone else.
The other day I had about convinced myself that was what’s going on. After I gave myself a few days to cool off and come to my senses I realized that’s not really the case.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time giving myself credit. Boy, do I have a hard time with that. I never feel strong enough or skinny enough or happy enough. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife and I have serious doubts that I’ll be a good enough mother. Yeah, you could say that I have some self esteem issues.
Some days, like today, I can take a step back and see that I really am ok. I truly have gained perspective and strength from going through all of this crap. Other days, it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to believe that.
I really need to learn that it’s ok to have faith in myself. I think that’s a hard thing to teach yourself, though.
I’m thankful that I have a husband who has faith in me regardless of whether I have it in myself. He reminds me of how much we really have survived throughout all of this. He reminds me of how it’s made us better. He tells me that after everything I’ve been through that there’s no way that I’m going to be a bad mom. He reminds me that I want it so much more than most people do.
I think traveling the hard road really does force you to be introspective. It forces you to confront the things you don’t like about yourself. But it also lets you see, if you let it, the things that make you proud, the things that give you faith in yourself. I just need to let it.
- Posted in : Post cycle #6: Waiting for the final cycle
- Author : amanda
Comments»
It IS hard to have faith in yourself…you’re not alone. Your husband sounds like a real gem…it’s so nice when you’re partner can reflect back your true self and worth. And he’s 100% right, you know.
You’re not alone, Amanda. My faith in myself wavers on a daily, nay, an hourly basis. At least you can vent to us. And we can tell you that you’re strong and amazing. Because you are.
This whole damn thing is an ego beating. After 8 years of IF, for some reason its only this last year that has turned me into this neurotic crazy consumed by the idea that Something Bad WILL Happen in all things related to me and pregnancy. I used to be logical and rational and I don’t know who I am anymore.
All that to say that no wonder you are shaken- this stuff sucks. But you continually amaze me with your ability to bounce back, no matter what the outcome, and I’m sure you’ll bounce back again.
I’m also one of those people who is never happy with the way I look or things I do. Rarely do I ever find anything to give myself credit for. Anyway, you aren’t alone in the way you feel. All this IVF stuff could probably make a person with even the strongest of self esteem to start out with begin doubting herself.
You know, I was looking for info. on the internet yesterday about something relating to my cycle and (as usual) your web site popped up with one of your really old entries. I ended up reading a number of the old ones which you had written before I discovered your blog. It’s obvious just from reading your entries as things progressed the perspective and insight you’ve gained along the way. You’ve gone through an amazing amount yet remained level headed, made good decisions and haven’t given up (and I certainly don’t see adoption as giving up if it comes to that; you will still be fulfilling your desire to become a parent). So, if you can’t give yourself credit, you have plenty of us out here who are going to give it to you.
Maybe seeing change and improvement and strength in yourself and VALUING those changes are two different things. I often find that if I pause and clear my head, like you, I can see and believe how much I’ve gained. But really taking it to heart is even harder.
I am awfully impressed by you, Amanda, and have looked to your blog often for hope and guidance and inspiration.
I just love that voice of self-criticism that digs into us even when we should be proud of ourselves. And you, my dear, can be very proud of yourself for how you’re handling a very difficult situation. I’m so glad your husband is there to remind you of this!
I do admire you for your strength and for your ability to go through all of this…and your list (i.e. see your categories) of things is not too short…and come back stronger and ready again for the next try. You do not give up and you should give yourself major credit for that. I can see that you have updated your About me section for the next part in all of this….it is good to read that you and Dan seem to have such a giving relationship with each other. You should give yourself also major credit for that!!! That is such a hard thing to find for many people and even harder to maintain for even more people!!!
Take good care of yourself!
Nina
to quote one of my favourite bloggers…
yep, yep and yep
Big hugs.
I’m sorry for the recent failed cycle (well it was a little something wasn’t it?) Sigh. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.