I Don’t Get It March 30, 2006
I don’t think I will ever be able to understand the unfairness in this infertility world. It’s just not possible to comprehend. Why, oh why would the universe be so cruel to Julianna? I know there are no answers. I hate that.
There are some people I’ve met while going through all of this IVF stuff who hold a special place in my heart. Julianna is most definitely one of them. She’s always been there for me. I wish I could do more to be there for her while she’s going through hell. That’s what it is. Pure hell.
I truly wanted this for her as much as I do for myself. It’s killing me that it didn’t work out for her. I fucking hate the universe for this.
I’m so very sorry my sweet Julianna. So sorry.
Protocol Schmotocol March 29, 2006
My clinic usually requires a teach session before every cycle. It’s not really to teach you anything unless you’ve never gone through this stuff before (good thing, because I think I’ve got the IVF/FET process down by now) but rather to sign consents, go over and order meds, etc. My IVF coordinator was nice enough to let me do my consents by mail and to go over the other stuff over the phone so I could save a trip over to Houston.
I now have a more detailed schedule and know exactly what meds I’ll be inflicting on my poor body. Things should (should being the key word) go like this: (I’m typing this all out for my own records and because I always think it’s interesting to compare protocols among clinics. Feel free to scroll down quickly.)
3/23-4/12 BCPs (a third of the way done with that one!)
4/10 start Lupron
the following dates are approximate because they’re done on specific cycle days
4/18 Vivelle 0.1mg- 1 patch; reduce Lupron to 5 units, start aspirin
4/20 Vivelle 0.1mg- 1 patch
4/22 Vivelle 0.1mg- 1 patch
4/24 Vivelle 0.1mg- 1 patch and E2 check appt
4/26 Vivelle 0.1mg- 2 patches
4/28 Vivelle 0.1mg- 3 patches
4/30 Vivelle 0.1mg- 4 patches (I should be good and gooey by this point)
5/1 E2 and u/s
add vaginal Estrace 2mg every night (oh joy) if E2 <300; come back for more E2 checks
5/7 Vivelle 0.1 mg- TBD # of patches; PIO 50mg AM; Progesterone suppository 200mg PM; stop Lupron; start Tetracycline & Medrol
5/8 PIO 50mg AM; Progesterone suppository 200mg PM
5/9 Vivelle 0.1 mg- TBD # of patches; PIO 50mg AM; Progesterone suppository 200mg PM
5/10 PIO 50mg AM; Progesterone suppository 200mg PM
5/11 Vivelle 0.1 mg- TBD # of patches; PIO 50mg AM; Progesterone suppository 200mg PM
5/12- ET & more progesterone fun to continue throughout 2ww
I really tried hard to get out of the progesterone suppository thing. Oh, I did try. With my two FETs at my previous clinic I did double PIO (100mg/day) and was hoping to do that again this time. Apparently not. I was told that they’ve done it both ways for FETs and have had better success with the PIO plus suppository method.
I really am not of fan of anything suppository related. I’d much rather deal with 1.5″ needles stuck in my ass. I know some people aren’t a fan of PIOs, but I’ll take them any day over sticking crap up into my nether regions. I guess I could go against orders and do the double PIO anyway, but I’m going to attempt to be a good girl and follow instructions. (Well, at least on that one anyway. Talk to me about the Lovenox later.)
When going over the rest of my meds with my IVF coordinator I again failed to correct her on the fact that I needed a Valium ordered for ET. I can’t take it on ET day since I have my transfers done under anesthesia, but I know from experience that it sure does come in handy in the aftermath of a BFN, chemical, miscarriage, or whatever other crappy fate I get dealt. I mean, if I have to take the evil birth control pills and Lupron, I sure as hell am going to make sure I get at least one yummy drug.
I’m so counting down the days of this FET. It’s such a freaking long protocol. Every night after I take my stupid little pill I think to myself, “1 down, 20 to go. 2 down, 19 to go.” Etc, etc. I guess I shouldn’t be doing that so much, because I know once it all comes to an end I’ll be wishing it wasn’t so.
Suppression is Freaking Boring March 28, 2006
Taking birth control pills. Blah blah. They suck. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, exciting stuff, huh?
I haven’t really been thinking much about me today. I’ve been thinking of my good friend, Julianna. I’ve been stalking her blog all day long. Truly stalking it. I don’t always remember peoples exact beta dates, but 3/28 has been emblazoned in my mind.
My heart is with her. Purgatory is just torture. Julianna and I have been friends for the long haul. I want this for her so much. I know this will be a long two days until her repeat beta. I wish I could make it easier.
Breaking Out the Calendar March 23, 2006
Yesterday morning I decided that I was going to go for the 5/19 transfer date even if it meant longer on the evil birth control pills. It just worked out better schedule wise. Plus, getting a negative on my birthday would not only ruin it, but it would also ruin our anniversary which is two days later. I really need those days not to be doom and gloom. More importantly, I just cannot foresee being able to handle having my birthday and our anniversary forever linked in my mind with the end of our trying to conceive “career.”
I put in a call to my IVF coordinator to let her know what I had decided. When she called me back she let me know that the person whose FET transfer was scheduled for 5/12 had just called to request that it be pushed back a week leaving the 12th open for my transfer after all. This made me a happy camper.
So, I’ll be starting BCPs today and have a schedule that should go something like this:
3/23-4/12 BCPs
4/10 Start Lupron
~4/18 Start Vivelle patches (date based on when my period shows)
5/7 Start PIO
5/12 Transfer
It’s nice having dates to put on a calendar.
Sometimes I want these next seven weeks to fly by so I can get this thing over with and sometimes I never want ET day to come. If I don’t transfer them then it won’t have to be over. It’s a weird place to be in, wanting something over but not wanting it to end. I know I need to do it, though. I need to find out how this thing turns out.
CD1: Let the Games Begin (Yet Again) March 21, 2006
My period finally showed, so I’ll be starting birth control pills for my FET cycle on Thursday. Now I have to decide my transfer date. Not something you usually have to do, I know.
The deal is that my clinic does FET transfers on Fridays. However, they only schedule one per week because they have to have room on the schedule for fresh transfers, too. Typically I would do three weeks worth of BCPs (along with the Lupron, Vivelle patches, and PIO) for an ET scheduled on 5/12. This is what I had figured would happen. Well, it’s not going to because there is already a FET scheduled for the 12th.
So, I have two choices. I can do two weeks of BCPs for a 5/5 transfer or four weeks of BCPs for a 5/19 transfer.
My initial reaction is to choose the shorter protocol with less time on the evil pill. I mean, it’s a long ass protocol to begin with. If I can shave off a week or two, why wouldn’t I? We all know how much I love waiting.
There’s a couple of issues to contend with. Dan’s next work trip to New Orleans is 4/30 through 5/4. There wouldn’t be a problem having a transfer on 5/5 since he’d be getting back home Thursday afternoon and ET wouldn’t be until Friday afternoon. Plenty of time to get over to Houston. However, it would mean that I would be doing my first four PIO injections myself since I wasn’t planning on going on the trip. Yes, I’ve done them before so I know I could do them again, but I don’t really enjoy it. I’d just assume have Dan do them all.
Secondly, if I did the 5/5 transfer then beta would either be on my birthday or the day before. (I’m not sure if they do betas 8 days past transfer or 9 since they freeze blasts on day 6.) Either way, that’s definitely not ideal. My bday is going to be hard enough since it happens to coincide with the oh so dreaded Mother’s Day this year. A BFN added to the mix would just be a hell of a way to celebrate. I mean, my birthday, Mother’s Day, and the final nail in the “you will never have bio kids” coffin all in one day might be enough to finally do me in.
So, I might have to suck it up and spend an extra two weeks on the evil pill. I don’t know. Decisions, decisions.
Doing What I Do Best Most
March 19, 2006
Yeah, that would be waiting. I am such a pro at that now. I don’t like it any more than I did when we started this crap, but the wait never seems to disappear.
Right now I’m waiting for my period to show up so I can get this long ass FET protocol started. My cycles are always pretty long after a failed cycle or chemical, so I’m not surprised that I’m still waiting. That doesn’t make me any less impatient, though.
I guess my life is pretty darn boring when I’m not cycling or in beta hell or miscarrying or anything else of that nature. Let’s see, today I did our state income taxes and unclogged the shower drain. Boy, now that’s something I can blog about.
You know what scares me the most about the possibility, no make that the probability, of this FET failing? What it will mean in terms of waiting. If I think this one month wait to cycle again is tough, I have no clue how I will make it through the wait to start the adoption process (assuming that’s the road we take which is what I’m assuming at this point) not to mention the wait of the process itself. I’m going to have to have someone put me in a coma or something.
Waiting drives me crazy because it feels like I’m making zero progress. In fact, sometimes it makes me feel like I’m actually going backwards.
After this FET is over we will have been waiting four and a half years. Can I survive another two after that? I guess I won’t have much choice in the matter, will I?
I guess I just need to focus on the “one step at a time” thing. It’s hard, though. The wait can just wear a person down.
***Note to self: Don’t use strikethroughs in post titles. Apparently Bloglines doesn’t pick up HTML in post titles and thus your title ends up making no sense whatsoever.
The Heck If I Know How I’m Feeling March 14, 2006
I haven’t really been blogging about how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess that’s mostly because my feelings are all over the map. It’s not uncommon for me to feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next.
I went through a stage of not wanting to do the FET at all. I mean seriously, if anyone thinks I have even a tiny chance of this thing working after having transferred 17 high quality embryos, 14 of which were blasts, in the past with nothing to show for it then they’re seriously delusional. I have no hope of it working. That’s just not possible at this point. Plus, the thought of putting my body through the birth control pill/Lupron torture is just too much sometimes. I know how I get on that shit, and it’s not pretty.
Mostly, I’m just tired. So bone tired. It’s so hard to go through it all time and time again only to be disappointed each time. It takes so much out of me.
The only thing that’s kept me in a forward trajectory towards the FET was knowing that I couldn’t leave those four embryos in the deep freeze. I need to transfer those suckers before I can close the door on IVF.
However, today I find myself getting antsy to cycle. The absolute lack of hope, the dread of the evil drug side effects, the extreme tiredness, it’s all still there. Those don’t shake off easily. The thing is that I absolutely hate feeling like I’m doing nothing. I hate waiting, too. I am so not good at this being patient stuff.
I just want to fucking do something. Yes, I’ve been doing my research and reading books for our next step, but it doesn’t feel like action. Even though I know that it’s going to take something other than this FET for me to become a mom, I can’t help but want to proceed. Not because I want to do the cycle, but because I want to do something, anything.
It’s only been about a month since the chemical/beta fiasco. That means I’m only a third of the way through the wait for this damn FET. Blah.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll go back to not wanting to do it at all. At least then I won’t feel so damn antsy.
Big Easy Photo Album March 12, 2006
I wanted to take more pictures in New Orleans than I actually did, but since most of my out and about time was done solo, I didn’t always feel comfortable whipping out my camera and writing tourist across my forehead. Not that it’s not safe to go out by yourself during the day, but it is a big city and things have changed since Katrina.
The damage around the city wasn’t hard to find. (All pictures are clickable to enlarge.)
Here’s a building with significant damage that I snapped a picture of on the way out of town.
This is a blurry shot of a totally blown over billboard taken while we were driving on the interstate.
Blown out windows were a common sight.
Fencing down along the side of the road.
Piles of debris along side a building. Proof that there is still much work to be done.
This high rise with massive window damage is right by the Superdome.
Speaking of the Superdome, here’s a shot of that infamous building. It’s scheduled to reopen in late September.
A refrigerator thrown out on the curb, a common site after a major hurricane. In Lake Charles after Rita they took all of the discarded refrigerators all to one location. It was quite a sight to see such a massive fridge graveyard.
I don’t know if anyone remembers the reports of fire in the French Quarter in the aftermath of Katrina, but here’s where that building used to be. It was right across the street from the hotel we stayed at.
The streets of the French Quarter were so empty in places that it was eery.
This photo speaks volumes to me. An entirely empty section of Cafe Du Monde with members of the waitstaff sitting in the background. I never thought I’d ever see that place not buzzing and overfilling with customers.
It wasn’t all depressing. Beignets and hot chocolate from Cafe Du Monde can put a smile on just about anyone’s face.
All I can say is YUM!
The Saint Louis Cathedral was just as beautiful as ever as we strolled past it after our beignet feast.
The sight of this gorgeous arrangement of roses inside our hotel lobby was a nice little pick me up every day. I loved looking at them because they reminded me so much of the roses we used in our wedding.
This shot taken from our hotel room was a nice reminder that rebuilding is taking place and progress is being made.
After seeing what New Orleans looks like six months after Katrina, I can only imagine what it looked like immediately afterwards. It truly is humbling. New Orleans will rebuild, though. People down here are tough. I’m sure it won’t ever truly be the same, but I’m looking forward to a time when the streets are bustling with people and music once again.
Putting Things Back Into Perspective March 9, 2006
I remember the feelings I had when Hurricane Katrina hit over six months ago and then again when Rita hit. Katrina hit New Orleans and the surrounding areas between the time that I found out on ultrasound that things were over with my pregnancy and the time that I physically miscarried. It was such a difficult time, but the aftermath of the storm gave me perspective. It all just hit so close to home. Rita hit even closer to home since it affected my family directly.
I got the same overwhelming feeling driving into New Orleans on Monday that I did the first time we drove into post Rita Lake Charles. The feeling of loss was just palpable. It’s so hard to see that damage firsthand.
New Orleans is definitely different now. I mean, how could it not be? A lot of things struck me about how things look now, but a major one was the lack of people. It’s not like the city is empty, but I’m so used to the crowds of New Orleans that it just felt weird there this week. It was eery.
It’s sad to see how many places are still closed. Those local business make their livings off of tourists, and it’s sad that that’s not happening right now.
Last night we walked down into the French Quarter and walked by Jackson Square and the Cathedral to get to the restaurant we were going to eat at. It just felt empty. Usually there are a bunch of artists in that area and many street performers ranging from musicians to mimes. There was not a single one there yesterday evening. Not one.
I did try to have a good time while I was there, though. I ate a lot of yummy food. You have to do that in New Orleans, ya know. Unfortunately I got sick from some Mahi Mahi on Monday night and wished I was dead, but I made up for it the rest of the trip. I skipped lunch on Tuesday in an attempt to recover from the night before and played it safe with some chicken for dinner but feasted on some fabulous chocolate hazelnut mousse for dessert. Yesterday was a magnificent food day consisting of a fried oyster poboy for lunch and gumbo for dinner followed by the heavenly beignets from Cafe Du Monde for dessert. I had been drooling over the thought of those beignets since I found out we were going to NO, and they didn’t disappoint. Those are always a highlight of any New Orleans trip.
After dinner last night we stumbled upon the shooting of Deja Vu. We already knew that Denzel Washington was staying in our hotel (although we didn’t ever get to see him) because he was making a movie in town, and we found it. We didn’t get to see much movie action, because they were restricting the area some, but we did get to watch a helicopter that they were obviously filming sweep down and around the Cathedral over and over again.
Also, on Tuesday I managed to come back into the hotel at the same time as the entire Hornets professional basketball team. I’ve always felt short with my 5′3″ frame, but stepping into an elevator filled with pro b-ball players made me feel teeny tiny.
I managed to do a little shopping, although a lot of stores still hadn’t reopened, and I walked down and spent an entire afternoon at the D-Day museum. It was great.
You know, I didn’t use this trip as a way to escape infertility for a few days. I still read blogs and posted on my boards. I even brought one of my adoption books along. I didn’t need to escape that.
I did need to put in all in perspective, though. There were people, including one of the judge’s former clerks who we ran into in the lobby, who are living at the hotel we stayed in, and I’m sure in hotels around the city. That’s their home now because they lost absolutely everything in the hurricane. Can you imagine that? And think about all of the people who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in a hotel, people who cannot afford to return to their hometown. It’s all very sad.
We didn’t venture into the hardest hit areas of the city, but I saw enough to really leave an impact on me. It all served as a reminder to appreciate what I have and not to constantly focus on what I don’t.
Looks Like I Spoke Too Soon March 5, 2006
Well, things aren’t exactly as fixed as I thought they were. I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night or the night before. Muffy woke me up several times each night. I think two things were/are going on here.
One: Muffy has lost interest in the prescription canned food. She didn’t really love it the first time we introduced it to her, but I guess since it seemed new again, she decided to give it another try. She ate it really well the first couple of nights I gave it to her, but the trend has not continued. She hasn’t eaten a ton of it the past few nights and, as a result, has come begging to be fed her crunchy food.
Two: I think she wasn’t feeling too well the other day when she let me sleep through the night. She had been spending more time under the bed that day and just didn’t really seem like herself. It’s obvious that she’s feeling better now and is raring to go during the night.
So, I guess we don’t have a solution after all. Damn. I’m sure we’ll figure out something at some point.
I will be getting a decent night’s sleep starting tomorrow, though. Dan is going on a work trip to New Orleans, and I’m tagging along. It should be nice to get away for a couple of days.
I’m interested to see how New Orleans looks now. We won’t be going into any of the areas that were hardest hit by Katrina, but I wouldn’t doubt if where we do go doesn’t look like I remember from past trips.
I have to admit that I haven’t been doing that well lately. It’s hard. Waiting is hard. Grieving yet another fucking failed cycle is hard. You would think it might get easier the more times you go through it, but I don’t think it does. I think the opposite could very well be true.
Maybe a change of scenery, staying in a nice hotel on someone else’s dime, eating some yummy food, and just getting my head to focus on something other than this crap will help. We shall see.
I Think We’re Onto Something March 3, 2006
After reading all of the comments on my post about how the heck to deal with Muffy wanting fed multiple times during the night and letting those suggestions ruminate for a while, it finally dawned on me what I needed to do. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
We can’t leave Muffy’s food out overnight because Salvador will eat it. I managed to forget one important detail, though. Salvador doesn’t like canned food. He really wants nothing to do with it. When we first started Muffy on the prescription food, we let her try both the canned and dry forms of it. She seemed to prefer the crunchy kind and that was definitely easier for us since she likes to eat multiple little meals throughout the day, so that’s what we went with.
We still had a couple of cans of the prescription food in the pantry, so I decided to give her some right before bedtime in enough quantity that I knew she wouldn’t eat it all right then. Sure enough, she snacked on it throughout the night, and we made it until 6am before she woke me up to be fed. The second night I left out even more canned food, and we made it to 6:30, an all time record. Last night I gave her even more, and she didn’t wake me up at all. I couldn’t believe it when I woke up at 7:00 on my own!
Hopefully her digestive system will decide that this is an ok arrangement. It’s been so very nice to not be woken up at 3am. I don’t think my husband is totally into this new plan, because he thinks it’s gross to leave out canned food overnight. He doesn’t want bugs to come out of nowhere to feast on it. He’s not the one who’s been losing sleep over this, though, so I say we’re going with it.
These recent happenings have made me very happy, but I think it’s quite pathetic that I woke up touting, “My baby slept through the night!” over my cat. I would very much prefer to be celebrating this milestone with an actual baby. Ok, I’m totally not going to continue down this trail of thought. It could get ugly fast. Let me just be happy of the fact that I’m getting some sleep now. Woo hoo!