The Heck If I Know How I’m Feeling March 14, 2006
I haven’t really been blogging about how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess that’s mostly because my feelings are all over the map. It’s not uncommon for me to feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next.
I went through a stage of not wanting to do the FET at all. I mean seriously, if anyone thinks I have even a tiny chance of this thing working after having transferred 17 high quality embryos, 14 of which were blasts, in the past with nothing to show for it then they’re seriously delusional. I have no hope of it working. That’s just not possible at this point. Plus, the thought of putting my body through the birth control pill/Lupron torture is just too much sometimes. I know how I get on that shit, and it’s not pretty.
Mostly, I’m just tired. So bone tired. It’s so hard to go through it all time and time again only to be disappointed each time. It takes so much out of me.
The only thing that’s kept me in a forward trajectory towards the FET was knowing that I couldn’t leave those four embryos in the deep freeze. I need to transfer those suckers before I can close the door on IVF.
However, today I find myself getting antsy to cycle. The absolute lack of hope, the dread of the evil drug side effects, the extreme tiredness, it’s all still there. Those don’t shake off easily. The thing is that I absolutely hate feeling like I’m doing nothing. I hate waiting, too. I am so not good at this being patient stuff.
I just want to fucking do something. Yes, I’ve been doing my research and reading books for our next step, but it doesn’t feel like action. Even though I know that it’s going to take something other than this FET for me to become a mom, I can’t help but want to proceed. Not because I want to do the cycle, but because I want to do something, anything.
It’s only been about a month since the chemical/beta fiasco. That means I’m only a third of the way through the wait for this damn FET. Blah.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll go back to not wanting to do it at all. At least then I won’t feel so damn antsy.
- Posted in : IVF Part 6: IVF #4
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Hi, sorry you are feeling antsy. I hate that feeling. In no way do I want to sound like I dont think that IVF will not work for you and I pray that it does (and I know you did not ask for assvice) – but – if the next step you are thinking of taking is adoption, you might want to get on that train (as well as doing IVF) because it is a LONG train ride to adoption – domestic or international and if you are anything like me, you want to be pulling into your station NOW – not 2 years from now. (I am digging these train references he he). I started looking into adoption, then stopped when our insurance started to cover IVF – and 5 months later – when both attempts did not even get me 4 eggs – we started up again. Looking back, I wish I kept moving foward with the adoption too – of course hindsight is 20/20 – at the time I was stupid enough to think IVF would work on me – ( I have premature ovarian faliure). If I had, I would be on the waiting list by now – instead of still jumping through hoops. But, I was blinded by the thought of getting pregnant. Damn that Hope – she always gets in the way. At any rate, I know this is long but I want to also tell you that you write a wonderful blog and I hope hope hope this works for you.
What Sophie said, plus with my own added assvice. Do you know how you feel about adoption? I know from past posts that its something you are conceptually (bad pun, sorry) okay with, but is your heart ready for it/into it? Because if it is, and you really don’t want to do the FET right now, what about starting the adoption paperwork and taking a long break from IVF/FET? The only thing you’d lose by waiting a few years is that you’d have to pay for the storage fees every year. But that’s a drop in the bucket compared to what you’ve already spent. You could adopt, and then in a few years try the FET. Or if the adoption waiting gets too long, you could do an FET- with a little bit of luck you’d be in the same situation Chicago Mama is in- giving birth right as her husband went to China to get their daughter. Its hectic for them with 3 small ones, but it worked out. I don’t know if that would just feel like prolonging the inevitable (since you seem convinced it won’t work- believe me, I’m not questioning that, my DH feels the same way about us doing an FET), but its something to think about.
Good luck thinking it through. I know how hard it is. I’m still amazed that for the first time ever, we have some left in the freezer. I would have given my left arm for that 2 years ago. Now we have them, and the thought of doing an FET gives a panic attack. Why the hell couldn’t I have figured this out 2 years ago and saved myself the last 2 years of IF heartache?
Thanks, Sophie and Leggy. I am so not up for going into my thoughts and feelings on adoption in my comments section, because I feel that deserves its own post. It has been on my mind a lot lately, though.
The thing is that Dan and I both feel like if we do adopt then China is where we’re headed. As I’ve mentioned before, that would mean a wait since you have to be 30 to adopt from China. We couldn’t start on the paperwork until Novemberish. It would do no good to start on anything now. Even if we weren’t drawn to China, starting the process now wouldn’t be the best timing since we’re moving out of state come August.
I do feel like I need to do this FET before I can close the door on the whole bio kid thing. I wouldn’t be able to move on otherwise. I know it helps some people to start the adoption process before being completely done with the TTC stuff, but I don’t think that’s right for me. I can’t walk through the next door until this one is fully closed. Even though I don’t think my heart is fully invested in IVF anymore, I do think it’s important that it’s fully invested in our next step. I can’t do that with embryos left in the deep freeze. I hope that makes sense.
The waiting sucks…feeling like you’re not being productive is just the worst feeling. I’m sorry that whatever way you go, there’s a wait involved.
I think we’re from the same mold. I’m not satisfied unless I’m knee-deep in medical paperwork, books and needles. I understand where you’re coming from completely. Do your transfer — you won’t be able to move on until it’s over…plus the damn thing may even work for you. Life has a funny way of throwing surprises…but I understand your attitude about it too. I’m saying a whole lot of nothing. The main message: I get it, and it’s cool.
I still think we need to get drunk together…
Hi, it is me again. For all my words of wisdom above, I felt the same exact way. I could not move on to adoption until I had exausted all my fertility options. Now I talk logically about starting the adoption process but back then, all I could do was hope that IVF would work and I would jinx myself if I even looked at an adoption site. So, my thoughts are with you on your last IVF journey. Here is lots of HOPE. Sophie D
I totally hear ya.
I hear ya too. The waiting just sucks.
Me, too. The whole thing is sooooo hard. Hang in there, Amanda!
Amanda, you’re going through so many emotions it’s no wonder you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster. Sounds like you’re experiencing more emotions in one day than most people deal with all year.
Waiting is so hard. it sucks.
I think you have to follow where you heart is leading. You are so strong your tenacity amazes me.
Yes, the waiting is a tuff. Hate the drugs also, inless of course, we are talking about ER drugs. LOL
Sorry for the mixed bag of emotions. Thinking of you!
Just rooting for ya’. As always.
If only I could make time speed up I would I’m so sorry Amanda that this so bloody tough, I just don’t know what to say other than I’m thinking of you, but maybe I can interest you in a game of hangman?
Oh, yes, I know it well — the emotional ups and downs, the wanting desperately to get a move on yet feeling utterly hopeless, the sense of being stuck…
Sigh. I have nothing to offer besides “Yup.”
I agree, it changes from day to day and from week to week. It might work. I know maybe it’s not likely – I don’t know the numbers – but it might. We all know the stories of someone who got pregnant on their 10th IVF, or T, who got pregnant on her sixth (I think). Anyway, that’s not really the point.
Amanda, I think you are someone with a very strong sense of who you are and what is right for you. You think things through and that helps you process stuff. This is another example of you being open to thinking and feeling your way through a terribly difficult process. I’m here.
I know that place of being so tired to move on. It is lonely, frustrating, and depressing as all can be. I wish for there to be a light at the end of your tunnel and that you find your joy. But until then know that we are all here and kindly thinking of you. I know it does not dent the pain but sometimes it scratches it a little….even if it is just enough to get to the next day. Take care of yourself….