I ♥ Estrogen April 30, 2006
My lovely friend E2 can’t make up for all of the evil Lupron side effects, but it does a pretty darn good job trying. As much as it is a pain to find space for all of these Vivelle patches, every time I slap on another one it makes me happy because I know that even more estrogen is going to find its way into my body. I still have my cranky moments, but I’m definitely feeling better than before.
Tomorrow morning is my first lining check ultrasound along with another E2 check. I’m not really worried that my body is absorbing the estrogen from the patches well, but I am getting a little nervous about how my lining might be faring. That’s my biggest source of worry in this FET besides the whole “will it work?” thing.
At the first check for my two previous FETs, my lining only measured 6-7mm. It did manage to get to 9mm with some additional time on Estrace my first FET, but it only got up to 7.5mm my second FET. It wouldn’t budge even with additional time on Estrace. My lining has always gotten to where it needs to be on fresh cycles, but there’s something about a FET protocol that makes it behave differently.
I refuse to transfer with a sub par lining this cycle. I won’t waste our last chance embryos on a crappy lining.
I’m hoping that adding acupuncture to the mix, using patches instead of oral Estrace, and being on Lovenox will help in the lining department. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow, won’t we? It better not suck.
My Kind of Belly Shot April 28, 2006
I figured I’ll probably never get to take a real belly shot, so here’s mine. Maybe I’ll even post a series. Instead of 9 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, etc, mine will be 3 patches and 1 bruise, 4 patches and 2 bruises, and so on and so forth.
As you can tell, I’m running out of real estate pretty quickly. That damn Lovenox bruise is hogging a prime spot. I can’t wait to see what things will look like in a few days. My poor belly.
Oh, and please don’t make fun of my pointy hip bones. That’s just how they are.
Cheating at the Tagging Game April 25, 2006
So, md over at The Waiting Line got me with the tagging thing. I guess the rules are that I’m supposed to write six weird facts about myself. I have no clue if I have that many. I mean, does stuff like having eight piercings in my ears count? Plus, to be completely honest, my brain and body are too exhausted at the moment to be able to think. So, I’m cheating.
1. I hate long distance driving. Yesterday I drove over 8 hours over to Houston and back for my E2 check. This does not include the time I spent driving around town between my E2 appointment and my acupuncture appointment scheduled at 2:30. Plus, I had to get up at an insane hour to make it over there in time for my appointment. Thus the exhaustion. I did get to see the sun rise on the way over and set on the way back, though.
2. Apparently my body likes Vivelle patches because my E2 was 150 yesterday. They wanted to see it between 80 and 150, so there ya go. I can only hope that my lining is following suit.
3. Despite having to wait until the afternoon for my acu appt, it was really good. The only part I didn’t like was my acupuncturist talking about her kid. She even mentioned breast feeding. Like I needed to hear that. I’m here cause I got no kids, lady.
4. I’m looking forward to slapping on more patches. E2 is a good thing while dealing with Lupron. Tomorrow I get to up my dose to two patches, and by Sunday I’ll be up to four. I have no clue how I’m supposed to have room to replace four patches every other day while still leaving room on my stomach for my Lovenox injections, but whatever.
5. I go back next Monday for another E2 check along with my first lining check ultrasound. This makes me nervous. I’m so hoping my lining is nice and fluffy this cycle. I’m doing three things this cycle that I didn’t do during my previous FETs that I’m hoping will help some: patches instead of oral Estrace, acupuncture, and using Lovenox throughout the cycle. I hope at least one of the three makes a difference.
6. While it’s fun for someone to pick me to be tagged, you can see how good I am at it, so I’m not tagging anyone else thus breaking the rules once again. What? I’m on Lupron. It’s allowed.
My Contribution to the IVF Manual April 21, 2006
If I were to ever write an IVF manual (and I think I could do so at this point) it would include this piece of info:
Expect to feel like complete and total shit while cycling.
People tend to think that FET protocols are a walk in the park, but I’m here to tell you that any time you’re forced to spend four long weeks on the most evil drug known to man, Lupron, that it’s not easy. I have been feeling so badly lately. Ugh.
I was really hoping that I’d start feeling better when I got to start patches. I guess the E2 can’t combat the evil Lupron side effects enough to help any yet. I’m still on one patch every other day at this point. On Wednesday I go up to two, three a week from today, and four a week from Sunday. Hopefully that will help some.
I know I’m a champion whiner, and I apologize to anyone who reads this drivel, but I just can’t help it right now. I just feel like shit. Thank goodness Dan knows the drill by now. He’s been great. Poor thing is feasting on a can of Chef Boyardee he had stashed in his desk for lunch today, because I felt too badly to go grocery shopping yesterday to buy real food for his lunch. Thanks, honey. You’re the best.
I have no doubt I’ll make it through this. This obviously is not the first time Lupron has had it’s evil grasp on me. I just can’t wait to feel better. 15 days and counting until I get to throw that damn vial in the trash. 3 weeks and counting until ET day. (Of course I’m furiously knocking on wood over here, because I know not to assume a damn thing in all of this.)
Anyway, my point is that I have to remember that this is temporary. I will not always feel like shit, at least not because of Lupron anyway. I have no doubt that if/when this cycle goes to hell, and I have to walk away from IVF with nothing to show for everything I’ve gone through, that I’ll be wishing to go back to dealing with this. It’s bad, but it’s not as bad as that. Not nearly.
Happy Blogiversary to Me April 19, 2006
Two years ago today I started this blog. Wow, has a lot happened in those two years. If you had told me two years ago when I started this blog that I still be in the trenches then I think I would have lost it. Good thing we get to take this crap one step at a time.
When I started this blog I really had no idea in which direction it would go. It didn’t take long for it to go in the infertility direction. My first post written on the topic started with this paragraph.
What do you what to be when you grow up? I think I’ve pretty much always known - a mom. Sure, I think I could have done a number of things, but I know in my heart I was meant to be a mom. I want to have a family with my amazing husband. Well, as things turn out, you can’t always get what you want and certainly not when you want it.
I still feel that way. This crap can’t change that feeling that I have deep down. That was written before Dan had even had his first surgery. We didn’t even know then that we’d be doing IVF for sure. Good thing I had a realistic outlook about it from the get go. From that same post:
My husband’s surgery is scheduled for this Tuesday, the 27th. I know we’re both really nervous about it, but it will give us some really important information. It will let us know whether the Dr. will be able to attempt a complicated reconstructive surgery to fix the situation or whether our next step will be IVF. We’re hoping for reconstructive surgery for a few reasons: it will most likely be covered be insurance (IVF won’t be) and if it’s successful, that will be the end of things. With IVF, we’ll have to have multiple procedures to have more than one child. Plus, unlike many people believe, IVF isn’t a sure shot. Some people aren’t successful at all with it, and many people take multiple times for it to produce a viable pregnancy. Plus, there’s the whole money thing. $15-20,000 a pop is a lot of money.
Ok, the $ thing makes me laugh now knowing that I was freaking over the cost of one cycle. I’m just so glad that I really understood the odds with IVF even before we started. Not that it really helps now, but it’s nice to know I never went into it expecting things to go easily.
So, from there we had Dan’s biopsy and then a few months later his second surgery, the reconstructive attempt that failed. That then led into our four fresh cycles and two FETs, and now a third. That’s a lot to pack into two years.
I wonder how I will feel when I get off of this roller coaster (or when I’m forced off). I don’t know. I have no clue what I’ll be writing about on my third blogiversary. Do I expect to have a kid by then? Nope. I can’t expect that anymore. I hope I will, but I don’t expect it.
Ok, so this didn’t turn out to be such a happy post for my “Happy Blogiversary.” What can I say? I’m on Lupron. Seriously, though, just knowing that I’ve made it through these two years (and almost 2.5 of dealing with IF before I started blogging) in one piece feels like quite an accomplishment to me. I can be happy that I’ve made it this far. I just know that without this blog, and without all of my blogging friends, I wouldn’t have. So, thank you all. You all are what makes this a happy blogiversary for me.
Weekend Wrap-Up April 16, 2006
Where to begin. This was a pretty darn busy weekend. Well, I guess we’ll start with the obvious: I survived the due date. I was hoping the build up to the day would be the hardest part, but the actual day was really tough for me. I do have to say, though, that I’m feeling a lot better now that I’ve gotten through it and am now on the other side of it.
We had quite a wake up call on the drive over when we barely managed to avoid being part of a multiple car pile up on the interstate. We watched it all happen right in front of us, but Dan managed to slam on the brakes in time to avoid adding to the pile. I think there ended up being five or six cars involved, and one ended up pointing in the wrong direction. Scary stuff.
We did a ton of neighborhood cruising in Houston, and I think it was a pretty successful trip in that regards. We definitely narrowed down the neighborhoods/areas of town that we’re interested in looking in. The whole home buying process is completely overwhelming to me, but I’m sure we’ll manage to get through it.
I went to my first ever acupuncture appointment on Friday. I have to admit that I liked it. They did the electro acupuncture stuff on me to help with blood flow to the uterus, and that was quite interesting. I could have done without people staring at my tounge and asking me questions about my bowels, but whatever. I guess that comes with the package.
Things are beginning to progress a little on the cycling front. My period showed today so that means I’ll get to start patches and reduce my Lupron dose on Tuesday. I cannot wait to get some estrogen into my system again. This Lupron is doing me in.
So, I guess that’s the weekend in a nutshell. It definitely wasn’t as I had planned, but it ending up being ok overall.
The Best Laid Plans April 13, 2006
I knew it was going to be important for me to do two things tomorrow: spend lots of time with Dan and have some fun distractions planned. (I’m sure I don’t need to repeat it since I’ve been a blogging fool about it, but tomorrow is my would have been/could have been due date.) So, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to make a trip over to Houston to scout out neighborhoods for when we move back in August. Dan has the day off tomorrow, so the timing worked out well.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before on my blog before, but we’re planning on buying our first house when we move back. We’ve lived in apartments for way too long, over 10 years now, so it’s definitely time. We’re excited about it, and I thought it would be nice to be able to use tomorrow as the day we start the process. Focusing on good things to come sounded like a nice distraction to me.
In addition to the neighborhood scouting, I thought some shopping (I’m in dire need of new sandals) would be fun, too. I also scheduled my first ever acupuncture appointment for tomorrow. That decision probably deserves its own post since I’m completely and totally a western medicine gal. I mean, I’m finally relenting on cycle #7.
Here’s the short version. The reason that I decided to do it this cycle is because my lining tends to be stubborn on FETs, and I have no desire to have to go through this never ending suppression again if I happened to get canceled. So, it’s really not a “I hope that if I add in this additional component that I’ll magically have a successful cycle” thing. It’s more of a “I really don’t want to have to go through this shit again or transfer embryos with a sub par lining” sort of thing.
Back to the subject at hand. Like I said, I’ve been planning all of this for a long time and have been looking forward to it. I booked us a nice hotel for tomorrow night and everything.
You know that things can’t ever go smoothly, though. Monday we found out that my in-laws had planned (and I use the term “planned” loosely) a last minute trip out this way. They’re going to be flying into Houston late tonight and will be there while we’re there and then will be coming over here on Saturday, the day we are also returning.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like my in-laws. Dan doesn’t get to see his parents very much since they live across the country, so it’s good that he’ll get to spend time with them. However, this puts a major wrench in my plans. It was so very important for me to spend tomorrow with Dan. Just Dan. It’s a private day for us. I needed for it to be that way.
Now it’s not going to be. I’m sure we’ll be spending a good deal of the day tomorrow with them so instead of being able to be sad if I need to, I’ll have to put on a happy face.
Of course I’m sure my in-laws don’t remember what tomorrow is for us. It’s just so frustrating to be planning this entire thing and now it’s not going to be how I imagined. I know I just need to suck it up, but it’s hard.
Hopefully just venting about it will help. I’m taking a risk by doing so, because I know that both my MIL and FIL have found my blog in the past independently of each other. They were both asked to evacuate the premises for the sake of my privacy. I guess we’ll find out if that’s happened. Or not, I don’t know.
I just hope tomorrow goes ok. I imagine the build up to the day might very well be harder than the actual day, but I could be wrong. I guess we’ll find out.
Shooting Up - Yet Again April 11, 2006
Before I get to the gist of this post, I want to thank everyone so much for your comments on my previous post. Believe it or not, I’m actually doing better now. I think getting it all out and then reading all of your thoughtful comments really helped. Sure, getting through this week is still very tough, but I’m hanging in there.
Ok, on to the topic at hand. I started Lupron once again last night. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Popping pills does not an IVF cycle make. Not even a FET cycle. You’ve got to throw a hefty dose of injectables in there before I feel like I’m cycling.
I honestly can’t believe this is round seven for us. Fucking #7! Unreal. Sometimes I wonder how we wound up here.
I’ve only got one dose of Lupron in me so far, but I know it won’t be long until the side effects hit. They come faster each cycle. At least I’ll be done with these damn birth control pills after tomorrow night. Two more pills; just two more.
I’m really scared to see what happens to me while on Lupron this round. I have to be on that shit for 4 weeks. Oh no, that’s not a typo. Four long weeks.
The thing is that I’m already experiencing some dumbass moments without the help of Lupron. I can only imagine what I’m going to be like in a few days.
Yesterday I lost my FET protocol sheet. The dang thing just got up and walked off or something, because it’s nowhere to be found. I thought maybe it had made its way into my big ass IVF binder, but no such luck. Good thing I copied it verbatim into one of my blog posts so I could reconstruct it. The crazy thing is that even though it’s a long protocol, I could have written it down from memory if I had to. Odd that I can remember the minutiae of a medicated FET protocol yet I can’t keep track of a simple piece of paper.
Then I had a rough night last night with Muffy, my allergies, and some random yet massive stomach cramps. When I came back to bed from getting up one of the many times, I somehow managed to misjudge the spacing and hit my head really, really hard on the headboard. My head throbbed for hours, and I now have a big lump on the side of it.
See what I mean? I’m screwed!
I Feel Like a Broken Record April 9, 2006
All I can think to write about, or even think to think about, is the whole “these evil birth control pills are doing me in and I’m having a really tough time with the impending due date” thing. I feel like those two things are taking over right now.
I also feel like crap for whining about it, for complaining about it so much. I don’t know why. I know I have every right to. I guess I feel like maybe it shouldn’t be as huge of a deal as it is.
I am struggling, and I do mean struggling, with the fact that my due date would have been this upcoming Friday if I hadn’t miscarried. I’ve had many a meltdown over it the past week or so. I can even feel myself tearing up right now. I have no doubt that the tears will be flowing by the time I’m done writing this post. My heart is just in pieces over this.
I know these birth control pill side effects can’t be helping. I know some people don’t have trouble with them, but I’m not one of them. To say they alter my mood would be an understatement.
So, why do I feel like it’s not ok to keep talking about this? Why do I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal? I lost a baby. It’s a huge fucking deal.
I guess I feel like there are so many other people who have been through the same thing and are on the other side of it now. I’m just one of so many. I know that shouldn’t make me feel like I count less, but I guess in some way it does.
I need to acknowledge that this is the first time for me, though. I haven’t grieved a due date before. Yes, several “could have been” due dates have passed me by already. You know, those dates that you calculate just in case your IVF cycle works. My brain has blocked those out, though. I’ve also passed a would be due date from my first chemical. I didn’t grieve that one. The difference is that none of those dates were real to me. I didn’t expect to actually have a baby on those dates, even with the chemical. This time is different. It’s real to me.
Plus, I know in my heart that I may never be pregnant again. That may have been it for me. I may never have an actual due date to look forward to. That’s hard.
I know that all of this is part of the grieving process. I also know that it’s a long process. It doesn’t just go away after some predetermined period of time. I can’t expect for this to not affect me anymore, especially right now.
I don’t want to be a broken record, but I guess I don’t have a choice right now. I need to feel this. I need to work through this. In doing so, I will make it to the place where I’m ok with to it, or at least as close as possible. I’ve got to walk through the pain or I will never get to the other side.
I Love Good News April 6, 2006
Last December my sweet kitty, Muffy, was diagnosed with renal insufficiency. It freaked me the hell out given the fact that it was just months after we had lost Dixie to renal failure.
The plan was to put her on special prescription food and retest her levels in a month. We’ve had a hard time with the new food system. She still wakes me up at least once or twice a night, but things are better since we started leaving out canned food at bed time.
Her little body had a hard time transitioning to the new food, and as a result we had to take her off of it and reintroduce it. Then we had to switch to a different brand altogether and introduce that very slowly. Her body is finally doing ok with it as long as I mix a little bit of her old food in with the prescription food.
With all of the food issues, the month wait to retest turned into four. I took her to the vet yesterday to have her kidney function levels run again. It was not a fun experience for our little princess. She was terrified, but she behaved very well. I think she was too scared for the alternative. We found out that she’d lost half a pound since December so that made me nervous. The vet said it could be a result of the change in food, though.
While we were there the vet also gave her a subq fluid treatment in case that was our next step. I was really afraid that it would be.
This morning the vet called with her blood test results and her levels have remained stable since December. Woo hoo! This is good news. He said just to keep doing what we’re doing. We don’t have to start her on the fluids yet. We go back in 6 weeks to have her numbers checked again.
This makes all of the sleepless nights worth it. I’m just so glad that she’s not getting worse yet. I know that day is coming, but I’m just not ready for it right now.
So, yay! My little princess is hanging in there.
You May Officially Call Me Crankypants April 4, 2006
I can’t say that my crankiness is easing up any, but I can say that Dan and I aren’t biting each other’s heads off anymore. We’re just laughing about it now. Dan’s getting a kick out of calling me nicknames with the word cranky in them: crankypants, crankyhead, you get the picture. I’m glad we can laugh about it. Oh, the joy of hormones.
I do think the birth control pills are a major culprit, but I have to admit that there’s more going on. My due date had I not miscarried the cycle before last would have been a week from Friday. I’ve been dreading that date, and it’s just getting harder the closer it gets.
I’m thankful that my brain has blocked out the would be due dates from my other cycles including the ones that ended in chemicals. April 14th is not a date I can forget, though. That pregnancy was the first time that I thought I actually had a chance at becoming a mom. It kills me that if things had gone differently I would have been.
I had really hoped to be pregnant again by the time 4/14 rolled around. I guess I was for like a day or two, but that’s not exactly what I had in mind.
I know I’ll make it through the next 10 days and beyond. It’s hard, though. Some days are harder than others. However, every now and then one thing or another will happen that lets me know that things are going to be ok. I’m thankful for times like that.
I Am One Cranky Biatch April 2, 2006
These evil birth control pills are doing me in. I’ve had different side effects on different brands of these darn things, but this time around my main issue seems to be mood related. They are making me so irritable, cranky, and down right bitchy.
Dan and I have been biting each others heads off all day. I’m cranky which in turn makes him cranky, and it’s just not pretty. I mean, we fought over cooking breakfast for pete’s sake. Going grocery shopping was an event unto itself. It’s unreal. At least we can laugh about it. It really is funny in a twisted sort of way.
I can’t wait to be done with these things. I know things could be much worse, but I’m still miserable. Oh, the things we do to our bodies.
Sometimes I think our prescriptions for birth control pills, Lupron, PIO, and all of the other evil drugs that do a number on us should be accompanied by a prescription for Valium. I could stand a little sedation right about now.
This too shall pass, and I’m counting down the minutes.