I Feel Like a Broken Record April 9, 2006
All I can think to write about, or even think to think about, is the whole “these evil birth control pills are doing me in and I’m having a really tough time with the impending due date” thing. I feel like those two things are taking over right now.
I also feel like crap for whining about it, for complaining about it so much. I don’t know why. I know I have every right to. I guess I feel like maybe it shouldn’t be as huge of a deal as it is.
I am struggling, and I do mean struggling, with the fact that my due date would have been this upcoming Friday if I hadn’t miscarried. I’ve had many a meltdown over it the past week or so. I can even feel myself tearing up right now. I have no doubt that the tears will be flowing by the time I’m done writing this post. My heart is just in pieces over this.
I know these birth control pill side effects can’t be helping. I know some people don’t have trouble with them, but I’m not one of them. To say they alter my mood would be an understatement.
So, why do I feel like it’s not ok to keep talking about this? Why do I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal? I lost a baby. It’s a huge fucking deal.
I guess I feel like there are so many other people who have been through the same thing and are on the other side of it now. I’m just one of so many. I know that shouldn’t make me feel like I count less, but I guess in some way it does.
I need to acknowledge that this is the first time for me, though. I haven’t grieved a due date before. Yes, several “could have been” due dates have passed me by already. You know, those dates that you calculate just in case your IVF cycle works. My brain has blocked those out, though. I’ve also passed a would be due date from my first chemical. I didn’t grieve that one. The difference is that none of those dates were real to me. I didn’t expect to actually have a baby on those dates, even with the chemical. This time is different. It’s real to me.
Plus, I know in my heart that I may never be pregnant again. That may have been it for me. I may never have an actual due date to look forward to. That’s hard.
I know that all of this is part of the grieving process. I also know that it’s a long process. It doesn’t just go away after some predetermined period of time. I can’t expect for this to not affect me anymore, especially right now.
I don’t want to be a broken record, but I guess I don’t have a choice right now. I need to feel this. I need to work through this. In doing so, I will make it to the place where I’m ok with to it, or at least as close as possible. I’ve got to walk through the pain or I will never get to the other side.
- Posted in : IVF Part 7: FET #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
It’s so important to just feel what you need to feel about the due date. Don’t apologize for it. I remember how tough my first one was, too. Hang in there.
I felt differently on BC each time I went on and off them, when I was taking them at your age (foolishly thinking I needed them) they made me quite down.
Grieving is so hard, be good to yourself.
Grief is such a roller coaster Amanda- every ‘first’ will give you so much pain, and unfortunately there is no text book telling us what we ’should’ be feeling or doing at any given time. So my only advice to you is grieve the loss of your baby, your dreams and hopes; and know that you have friends in blog land sending you healing thoughts and wishing you only the best. xxx
The only reason I didn’t grieve my miscarried (11 weeks) baby’s due date is because I was so busy tending her twin in the NICU. It didn’t hit me until much later. Grieve all you need to. There are no good answers, but we are here to listen.
Sorry, that above was from me…
Rachel
rach.typepad.com
I’m sorry that you have to go through this…we’re hear for you, so vent and vent
You have every right to “talk”about this subject as much as you want to. It’s your blog, and that’s what it’s for right? That day is going to be hard and you need to do whatever it takes to make it easier on you. It IS a huge deal that you lost a child, and everyone grieves in their own way. I have never been and probably will never be pregnant. I had to grieve that in order for it to be O.K. I am still grieving over it. I don’t know how long it will take. Some people don’t understand it, and I don’t care. You need to take care of YOU.
Amanda,
I think about you quite often. I am wishing you the best of luck.
My heart aches for you and the baby you should be holding. It is such a hard milestone to get through. Please don’t feel like you are overreacting in any way. It is a HUGE deal. I cannot emphasize that enough. I’d be handing you kleenex one by one, if I could.
Amanda,
I’m so sorry you are feeling so bad. This is a big deal, and yes you do need to feel this. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. Brownines and Vodka? I hate this shit for you, me, and everyone else that is still feeling the pain of IF and still in the trenches. It just sucks.
Do what you need to do, you are not a broken record!
I love ya chica…
Your feelings sound very normal, and this is definitely the place to get them out, so don’t worry about that. I am sorry you are hurting, and will be thinking of you.
Amanda,
It is right for you to grieve and you do need to feel this - it is a very large loss. My heart hurts that you are hurting now - you are in my thoughts.
Of course it makes perfect sense that you have been feeling so torn up about your approaching EDD. Don’t be so hard on yourself - it’s absolutely normal. I still think about the baby I lost. I hope you find your own way through the pain of it.
I could have written most of what you wrote last March. Actually, I did. It’s really hard. It is even harder when you don’t have a new pregnancy to concentrate on. I’m coming upon the date again and I’m not looking forward to it.
I think about you every day. I really want this to work for you. It’s so hard and you’ve been through so much. Remember that you’re not alone.
I can’t imagine experiencing what you did and not feeling sad about the upcoming date. It’s got to be an incredibly hard thing to deal with. I think the BCP’s are probably not helping matters. It would have been hard enough to manage without having your mood altered like it is right now.
Try to keep yourself busy Fri…..maybe shopping and out to dinner with your DH or something. It seems like not a good day to be home with too much time on your hands.
It is hard. You need to feel it, and grieve it. It can take a long time. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I agree with everyone’s comments, my dear. This is a big deal, and largely out of our conscious control. I’ve passed two due dates already. The first one coincided with my second miscarriage and the second one with the date of my niece’s birth. How I managed not to think about the first ones too much is beyond me. I’m already counting down the weeks until the end of May, when the last one would have been born. This one, I think, will be a big one.
Thinking of you, and wishing you much strength for the days ahead.
Ease up on you lovely, no one could be in your position and not feel some of what you are. I wish there were magic words to make Friday easier and kinder sadly there arn’t so I’ll just say, thinking about you and while you may not like you sometimes we all out here in blogoland do like and understand where your coming from.
I’m sorry, I know that’s a tough milestone. Talk about it as much as you need to. I hope your weekend goes well..