Sometimes M&M’s Just Aren’t Enough May 5, 2006
I can’t shake it, this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I just can’t.
I think I know what’s going on. As this last chance transfer gets closer and closer, I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with the fact that this is it. There will be no more attempts. I wish I could put it out of my mind, but I can’t. It’s too huge.
I wish I could find some “bright side” to ending treatment. I know some people can. I know it’s a relief to some. I don’t feel relief. Not even a little. I just feel sad.
The truth of the matter is that if it were completely my decision and IVF wasn’t so damn expensive that I’d keep going. Even knowing that our chances are slim to none. I’d keep at it. It’s not completely my decision, and god knows that we’ve already spent a small fortune on this little venture and just can’t keep pouring money into a losing cause. I just know that I’m not going to be able to walk away from it all and feel good about it.
I want this so badly. I can’t even express how badly I want it. Every fiber of my being yearns for it to work. I want to be pregnant. I want to have our baby with us, finally, finally. How in the hell can I walk away from that? How will I not fall apart?
I know I will be a mom even if this FET doesn’t work. I’m holding on to that thought as much as possible, but it kills me to think that it could take another 2+ years. I’ve been waiting for 4.5 already. I don’t know if I can make it another two.
How do you reconcile the loss of a dream? How is that possible when it’s the one thing you want more than anything?
My heart is hearting. I’m staring at the end of the road. I mean, I can see it right up ahead. I’m scared to proceed. I’m terrified of getting to that place.
I so hope that if I get there, and there’s a mighty good chance that I will, that I’ll be ok taking the next path. To be honest, though, I’m just not sure if I will. I don’t know if I’ll be able to pick myself up for the millionth time and set out on a new road, one that I know will continue to be long and hard.
Sometimes I wish that IVF hadn’t been an option for us or that we’d walked away after the second or third cycle. It honestly gets harder to give it up the more cycles you do. The more you invest, financially and emotionally, the harder it is to just stop, call it a loss, and move in a different direction.
I know that I have to be a pretty strong person to have made it through as much as I have. I don’t feel strong right now, though. I’m having doubts that I’m going to be able to make it through it all if this FET doesn’t work.
I’ve always held on to the belief that my child will come into my life the way that he or she was meant to. It may not be the way that I had originally planned but that it would end up being the right way when all is said and done. It’s so hard right now, though. It’s unbearably hard.
I’m crying as I think about our four embryos in the deep freeze right now. We’ve made 44 embryos and have transferred 17. These 4 are all we have left. I know they don’t stand a chance. I truly do, and it’s so very hard. Oh, but how I want one of them to make it. I want it so much it hurts.
I better stop now. I could go on, but I really need to stop writing so I can stop crying. I know my wish that this last cycle will end up working probably won’t come true. I just hope that my wish to have to the strength to be able to deal with it and move forward does.
- Posted in : IVF Part 7: FET #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I am just so sorry, Amanda. It sucks and it’s totally unfair. You will be okay, though. You will get through this. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for good results on your lining tomorrow. Good luck.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this - it is so incredibly unfair. It is so hard to keep hope alive when you’ve been devastated so many times. I pray that you will find some happy news soon. Good luck to you.
Oh Amanda. I am so sorry. I am here with you, always, and I wish the collective energy of those of us who wish you well got you closer to making this dream of yours come true. Because we are all dreaming it with you, dear.
Oh Amanda. I am so sorry. I am here with you, always, and I wish the collective energy of those of us who wish you well got you closer to making this dream of yours come true. Because we are all dreaming it with you, dear.
I am so sorry, Amanda. I am also facing the end of the line, but haven’t gone through nearly what you have, so all I can offer are hugs and my prayers.
You’ve been through so much, and facing the end of the road will be the hardest thing you’ve gone through yet. I know you’ll find a way because you’re a strong person, even if you don’t feel it. But it doesn’t take away the fact that it sucks and it hurts. I wish you could just get to the good part when you get your child now and avoid any more hurt. I’m so sorry.
oh, amanda, your post is so heartfelt and so sad. I wish I could say something to ease your pain and your worries and your stress. but there’s nothing to say. I’m so sorry for that, too.
I’m sorry that it has to be the end of the road. And I get what you mean re: the more you try, the harder it is to give up. I think if we hadn’t gotten lucky with our son on the first try, we’d have given up. But we kept trying because we kept thinking, oh the next one will work.
I’m sorry. Sending hugs.
Amanda, I hope so much that your fears are proved untrue and that this transfer does work. I hear how much you want it to work, and like everyone here, I want the same for you, too. I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and I’m so sorry you’re going through this on top of everything else. Like taz said, I wish there were something I could do to ease the pain and worries.
I just found out today that this would be our last transfer too (due to a not so good thaw :( ) I am now just learning that this too is the end of our IVF journey. Hopefully it ends on a positive note for both of us.
Take care and all the best
“How do you reconcile the loss of a dream? How is that possible when it’s the one thing you want more than anything?”
I so wish I knew as I am going through that too. You are in my thoughts. I hope beyond hope for you. I really do.
I don’t know what to say…I was one of the people who felt relief when we stopped treatments. But I do know it took me awhile to accept my child coming into my life another way but once I did it felt so good. Just so good. I reread my infertility journal and it makes me cry. I don’t ever want to go back to that awful place. I know each woman’s journey is her own, but I think about you all the time and hope you get happiness. I hope this cycle works, but if it doesn’t I hope you find your peace and happiness. You are a wonderful, strong, woman who deserves it so much.
I’ll be thinking and hoping for you.
Jennifer
Amanda, I didn’t go through as many IVFs as you, but after my fourth miscarriage I had to give up on the dream of getting pregnant with my own eggs and try a different path. It’s incredibly hard, and you need time to grieve, but it does get better. I hope so much that it’s a non-issue for you and your cycle works
Amanda, I just came across your blog. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. You’ve been through so much already. I hope you don’t ever have to find the answers to the questions you ask.
Oh, Amanda. Delurking to tell you for now, to just keep breathing, deeply (and we’ll all keep hoping so hard for you). I am so very sorry for everything you’ve had to bear.
I’m with you…and I wish you the very best. I pray this works out for you. You deserve this so much.
De lurking to say I’m so sorry it’s so hard and if there is any justice in the world it will happen because no one deserves it more than you. And even though things seem bleak but there is hope. I really admire your strength. You’ve been an inspiration to me.
There are days when I hate the fact IVF exists at all, yeah great for those it works for but for those that stare at the end of the road it’s heartbreaking, how can this hope be there one moment and then snatched away the next. it’s not fair it sux big time. you know my wishes hopes and thoughts are with you that this will work and you’ll never again be looking at the roadblock. but no matter what way this thaw cycle goes you have so many of us to help you face the next day/week/month/years however long it takes we’re here for you.
Amanda, I am really, really hoping that you don’t have to deal with stopping treatment, and that this is the one that takes. But if it does come to that, I can tell you that it’s really hard, and painful, and sad, but there was some relief in it too. I am still torn about it, but I feel physically so much better now. It’s a bad bad choice to have to make, for sure. Hope you had good lining news at this morning’s scan.
Dear Amanda, I’m so sorry the feeling of fear and despair is overwhelming right now. It must be so hard, knowing this is the last time. I hope, though, that you can just focus on the next step, and then the next one, and then the next one. That’s really all you can do right now, and hope. I’m so hoping this cycle brings you everything you want.
We’ll all be there walking with you towards the end of the road. Only that when we get there, you will find that the road doesn’t end, but that it takes a new direction. I am hoping so much that your cycle is successful and I am so sorry that you are hurting so much.
Lots of strength to you as you keep walking your road. It won’t end, but it may change. And you realize that…:)
But of all the people in the world, you will be strong enough to handle it.
And however you end up getting your baby, (he/she is out there as you know!), it will be worth it.
Delurking to say I wish only peace for you whatever happens. I’m crossing everything there is to cross that this last FET works.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad, and everyone is right. We’re right here with you.
I’m so sorry you are feeling so awful. I am hoping like hell this works for you.
Saying prayers, crossing everything, hoping with all my heart this works for you. Whatever happens next, though, just know you aren’t alone.
I’m sorry the world is such a dark place right now. I hope that these next steps make it lighter, brighter, more welcoming. If this doesn’t work, I know that everything will seem even more black. But I also know that you will find a way out of the dark. Thinking of you.
I’m thinking of you too. I know it’s not easy, but you will find your way.
Amanda,
I am sorry that you were crying …I am crying too, I know how 4 years of IF feel… It is hard.. Im sorry i did not visit your blog this weekend. i wish i had been there for you..