It’s Almost Here May 11, 2006
I have been waiting for tomorrow for so long. This FET protocol was over 7 weeks long. Even after going through all of that, through all of everything, I can’t believe it’s almost here.
My dear friend Julianna (who I think about, and worry about, and miss so very much) called her last chance FET embryos her $100,000 embryos. I totally get that. Those 4 blasts in the freezer are my $75,000 embryos. Everything we’ve been through in the past two years of IVF cycles, every cent (and there are a ton of pennies in $75K), every injection, every sacrifice, every loss, and every heartbreak, all comes down to this transfer and those four embryos.
After this cycle is over I’ll get to answer the question “was it all worth it?” If it does work the answer will be easy. If it doesn’t the answer will be just as easy. How could going through all of that crap be worth it if you have to walk away empty handed?
I’m scared. I truly am. I know if you didn’t consider our history that having four top quality blasts in the freezer would make it seem like we have a good shot at this. Knowing what we know changes everything, though. The chances aren’t good yet I can’t help but wish we somehow manage to miraculously beat them this time.
I’m so nervous about the thaw. We’re 6/6 in past FETs, but those two cycles were done at a different clinic with a different lab. I know not to take a single thing for granted in any of this, so I don’t think I’ll be able to really breath until I get to my clinic tomorrow and am told what we have to work with. Please, please let them all make it.
I’ll readily admit that I’ve been nervous on big days, retrievals, transfers, and the like, in previous cycles, but that cannot touch how I feel right now. I’m fucking terrified. I can’t sleep, I’ve lost weight (I guess I should be thankful for that one, but still) and my brain has stopped functioning almost altogether.
Maybe after I get to the other side of tomorrow afternoon I’ll be able to calm down a bit. Not that the 2ww is going to be a walk in the park, but hopefully I’ll be able to chill a bit more after transfer is done.
It just feels like everything is riding on this. I know that rationally speaking this doesn’t have to be the end of the road. It very well could be the end of this particular path, though. That’s a lot of pressure.
I know stress has no bearing on the outcome of an IVF cycle. (I can throw out some links for anyone of the “just relax” persuasion if necessary.) I just wish I could make it stop regardless. It sucks to feel this way.
I know I’m being hard on myself, but there is no other way I could possibly feel right now. I can’t feel hopeful. I can’t feel excited. I can only feel scared.
Maybe I’ll ask for double anesthesia tomorrow. That should help, don’t ya think?
- Posted in : IVF Part 7: FET #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I vote for taking a cat cuddle instead of “relax”.
You know what, I am so scared for you too. I WANT this to work for you so badly. You deserve this so badly. What can we do more? Nothing….cross our fingers, think of you. Hope! Well what ever is needed, I do it!
Good luck tomorrow!!!!
Hugs!
You do have so much invested in tomorrow- its what you’ve spent the last 2 years of your life devoted to. Even besides the $$, there is all the emotional and time investment, so of course it feels overwhelming.
I don’t mean this at all in a “just relax” way, but more of a “perhaps it might make you feel a little more sane”- do you have any tricks that you know work to help calm you down? For me, its deep breathing exercises, that I never devote enough time to. But when I do, it really does seem to help. And it doesn’t make it go away, but it makes it bearable to get through the next hour, afternoon, day, week, etc.
Wishing you the best of luck tomorrow. I hope they all survive and that the 2 week wait goes as quickly as possible.
I’m nervous for you… I can’t imagine how you must be feeling! I’m hoping with everything I’ve got that the thaw, transfer and the wait go smoothly. Please come back and vent as much as you need/want to. We’re here to listen (um, make that read), hold your (virtual) hand and cheer you on.
I am wishing, hoping, praying with everything I’ve got for you. Leggy is right about the investment - aside from the $$ it is an absolutely HUGE emotional investment that has completely shaped the last 2 years of your life. You have made it this far, and I wish you only the best!!
Nervous over here too, for both of us. Don’t think about the cost. It will just drive you mad. I will be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow, sweetie.
Rooting for you.
I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you tomorrow and crossing everything there is to cross.
Many fingers crossed for you tomorrow!
PS - I get double shots at the dentist since I have been labeled “hard to anesthetize”, maybe you could convince them of the same?
I will be thinking and praying for you tomorrow. Lots of hugs for you.
Jenn
I’m thinking of you sweetie.
I sure hope this is the one for you. Take care and good luck.
All systems go here to root and pray for you.
I will be thinking of you until your next update.
I’m very anxious about tomorrow and I wish you guys the best. Rest up, enjoy the anesthesia sleep and update us as soon as you can.
Amanda, All my thoughts and prayers are with you sweetheart. I hope tomorrow is full of good news.
$$’s spent can really be like adding salt to open wounds, it’s hard to invest so much of ourselves and not stress over what may happen. Relaxing is for other people and so damn hard to do when faced with all of this, you do whatever you need to do to make it out the otherside intact.
Fingers crossed those 4 blasts thaw for transfer thinking of you all.
Best of luck tomorrow. I’m with you on the extra anesthesia…maybe they can give you enough to get you through the next few days. :)
I’m thinking of you and hoping everything goes smoothly with the thaw/transfer. Will be anxiously waiting for your update.
Wishing you the absolute best.
Dear Amanda, I am positively humming with hope for you. I hope everything goes beautifully today. I hope everything goes beautifully, period. May this all be wonderfully worth it.
Thinking of you this morning. It’s a beautiful day. I hope your beautiful embryos are all doing beautifully. Do the deep breathing, ask for the drugs, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t relax. We are all here, hoping for you.
I am thinking about you this morning and hoping with all my heart that things go well. My thoughts are that it IS worth it, whether it has a positive or negative result. If it works, you will have a wonderful story of strength to pass on to your very lucky child. If it doesn’t work, you will have a very small sense of peace that you have done all you could. What is the saying, “We regret not what we do, but what we don’t do.”
I can’t pretend to imagine how you feel this morning, as I am still at the start of this IVF adventure and I’m still looking through rose-coloured glasses. I haven’t yet had the disappointment of a BFN or had the stress of what comes with an FET. I admire you for your strength in coming this far. I will be thinking of you all day!!
Take care.
I am thinking of you this morning and hoping with all my heart that this goes well for you.
Ask if the anesthesiologist can put you out for two weeks. That should do it! You’ve been through so much and to see how strong you still are really amazes me. You’ve blazed a path for us and I want you to know how much comfort us “newbies” get from seeing someone survive IVF–positive or negative results –either way. All of us are pulling for you and your little frosties.
Hoping all went well and thinking of you my dear.
Love ya chica….
I hope that everything is going okay for you today and that everyone of them thawed just fine. Grab a couple spare valiums on the way out so you can get some much deserved rest.