Forced Out of the Closet June 30, 2006
I had to say it… out loud… to a real person.
I’ve been having trouble with one of my eyes for the past week. Remember madballs? You know the bloodshot one? Yeah, that was what half of my left eye looked like.
I finally hauled my ass to the eye doctor on Wednesday. I got examined, diagnosed, and all that good stuff. Then it came time for the doctor to write my prescription.
I knew I had to say it, and it came out in a slightly hushed voice. I asked him to make sure that whatever he prescribed was safe for use during pregnancy. “You’re pregnant?” he replied. I mumbled out a little “yes.” I mean, why else would I ask that question? Did he really have to ask me to say it again?
It’s hard to say it out loud when I’m still so scared. I’ve really tried to chill the hell out, but it’s really not me. I don’t “just relax.” That is just not how I’m made.
I’ve been having a major freakout session today. My body is trying to scare the hell out of me with diminishing symptoms, and I’m not liking it one bit. Dan keeps trying to reassure me that everything is still ok, but I need proof. It’s going to be a long weekend.
At least the eye is on the mend. Those eye drops are magical, I tell ya. Although, I have to admit that freaking out over my screwed up eyeball was at least keeping me distracted from freaking out about other things as much. Now I can focus all of my attention on the “is it dead?” freakout. Like I said, it’s going to be a long weekend.
I Think I Suck at This June 27, 2006
Now I consider myself a pretty kick ass IVF patient. I was good at it. I knew what I was doing, had countless hours of research stored in my brain somewhere, and didn’t hesitate to ask for what I wanted from my RE. I was confident.
This current situation, on the other hand, well I’m just not so great at it. I’m too scared to research anything on the subject. I requested some books from the library, and it almost sent me into a tailspin. They’re not even in my possession, and they sure as hell won’t be purchased by me (that would presume that I would need them for the long haul) and they’re already making me nervous.
The whole OB selection situation honestly freaked me the hell out. While I can call up an IVF clinic and ask for an appointment without blinking an eye, I felt like a fumbling idiot when I called to make an OB appointment yesterday.
Obviously I managed to decide on one, but it wasn’t easy. Not only did I have to decide on a specific OB, but that decision needed to be based on which insurance plan we would go with once Dan gets back to the firm. Basically, it came down to going with a random HMO OB and paying hardly anything out of pocket or going with a recommended OB (both from my RE and one of my friends who is now pregnant after IVF) that will mean shelling out a lot out of pocket because that would mean going with the PPO plan that has not so wonderful benefits.
Dan and I decided it was worth the extra money to go with someone who wouldn’t think I was a massive IVF freak. Well, of course I am, but we don’t need any medical professionals judging me on that fact. We’ve spent so much on this venture already that it’s worth it to shell out more to have more individualized care. As Dan says, you get what you pay for.
Needless to say, trying to decide on an OB and attempting to work up the nerve to check out some pregnancy books are “problems” that I am beyond grateful to have. I just feel greatly inadequate to deal with these types of things.
To change the subject a bit, a couple questions from the comments on my last post stuck with me, so I’ll attempt to answer them. Emily wanted to know how I was feeling physically. Well, I have to say that I haven’t really felt comfortable talking about it for a couple of reasons. First of all, this is still an infertility blog. Talking about morning sickness, etc, just doesn’t feel right to me when I know there are people reading my blog who would kill to have something like that to “complain” about. Secondly, I’m still at least partially in denial. Talking about stuff like that is hard. But to answer your question in a general sense, Emily, I’ve had symptoms before I even peed on a stick. They’ve continued and new ones have popped up along the way, but even when I’m not feeling so great I feel reassured.
Thalia wanted to know if not even a tiny bit of me is happy. I am happy. I know it seems like all I do is vent about how scared I am, but that’s what I need to vent about. The happy part of me doesn’t need to vent. That scared part is one pushy bitch when it comes to blogging. I’m sorry if it doesn’t show through more that I am grateful and happy, because I am. I think part of it is that I never expected this to work. I don’t think it should have, not after all of my other failed cycles. As a result, it’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this is real, that this is actually happening to me.
If I’m lucky enough to have this continue then maybe one day the reality will sink in. I don’t ever expect to be a kick ass pregnant chick. I’m much more comfortable in my IVF world. But maybe I’ll be able to make an OB appointment without my heart racing. Or maybe I’ll be able to come out of denial land long enough to for my happy feelings to stand up to my scared ones. Maybe.
You Want Me to Make What Kind of Appointment? June 23, 2006
Dan didn’t end up being able to go with me today after all. He got handed a bunch of work yesterday that he needed to get done by today. I wish he could have come, but I managed to survive the jaunt over to Houston and back in one piece.
My ultrasound went well. My first question to the u/s tech after the image popped up on the screen was, “Is it still alive?” Indeed it was. Amazing.
Everything is measuring right on track at 8w5d. The heartbeat was still present and accounted for at 179 bpm.
Even though I have one more ultrasound appointment scheduled at my clinic a week from Monday, they apparently want me to go ahead and schedule an appointment with an OB. Um, one problem. I don’t have an OB. I don’t even have a run of the mill gynecologist. I never bothered to find a new one after we moved last August. It’s seemed to me that my permanent resident status at my RE’s office was good enough.
I guess I’m going to have to get on that. My RE gave me a few recommendations, so I guess I need to follow up on those. It’s so freaking surreal to be thinking about that.
Seeing that ultrasound image with my own eyes helps quell my fears for at least the time being. I know I really need to get over my “everything goes to hell eventually” mentality, because I know it’s getting old. To those around me, I mean, blog readers and husbands alike. It never gets old to me, because those fears are ever present. Plus, I just don’t get why things would work out now after everything we’ve been through.
I guess there’s a lot that I’ll never understand. Trying to is too much right now anyway. Hell, I can’t even wrap my brain around what is happening yet. Being able to do that would be a feat in itself.
Moving Right Along June 21, 2006
Things are coming along on the house front. We found out yesterday that we’ve been officially approved for our mortgage and that our interest rate has been locked in. Those are definitely good things.
Up next are the appraisal and inspection. Both of those will have to wait a bit, though, until the house is 100% finished. The two things we’re waiting on are the installation of the appliances and the sodding of the backyard. The appliances have been ordered, so that one shouldn’t take too long. However, it may be a little bit of a wait until the backyard can be sodded. It’s just too wet right now due to all of the rain in recent days. Things will have to dry out before they can get started on it. Good thing we’re not in a hurry.
What’s not moving right along, however, is the wait until my rescheduled ultrasound on Friday. I’m still so scared that things aren’t going to work out. It’s so funny to me how differently Dan and I are dealing with the current situation. I’m still in denial, afraid of saying too much for fear of jinxing anything. Plus, I’m still so far off from thinking things might actually be ok.
Dan, on the other hand, has turned into Mr. Positive. He’s just so sure that everything is ok and will continue to be that way. I guess this is his way of coping just like I have my way, but it’s just so opposite of how I’m feeling. I think we’re driving each other a bit crazy because of it. He drives me crazy with his liberal use of the p-word while I drive him insane with my negative talk. I guess it’s a good thing we can balance each other out a bit.
Dan’s been great, though. He keeps asking me if I want him to take off Friday to come with me to Houston. I keep hedging on my answer. The truth is that while it would be nice to have him with me, both for the actual ultrasound and for the long drive, I can’t help but think that he needs to go to work on Friday in case he needs to take off a day of work for D&C purposes if we get bad news.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get out of the habit of expecting everything to go to hell eventually. I mean, I have good reason to think that way. I just can’t imagine things working out and being able to break that thought process. It just doesn’t seem possible.
I guess it’s a good thing I’m hanging around Mr. Positive these days. Just think what I’d be like otherwise.
Foiled by Mother Nature June 19, 2006
There will be no ultrasound for me today. I had been driving for about an hour this morning when my cell phone rang. It was Dan calling me to warn me that there was some massive flooding in Houston and to the areas to the east. He said I should think about turning around.
It had already started to rain pretty hard where I was, so I took the next exit and called my clinic. I was told not to come, that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it through. Then I was told that the weather is supposed to be bad all week and was advised to reschedule for Friday. As much as I hate the thought of waiting another four days, I hate the thought of getting stuck in flood water more. So, I rescheduled my appointment for Friday and then turned around and drove another hour back home.
So, I guess essentially I’ll be skipping my 8 week u/s. I’m 8w1d today, so obviously that will make me 8w5d on Friday. I think I’d be more ok with waiting if I hadn’t mentally prepared for my u/s today. I really want to know if things are still ok in there. I know there’s nothing I can do about it either way, but I just hate not knowing.
I could probably get in to see the local RE before Friday, but I refuse to have my ultrasounds done anywhere other than my clinic this time around because I don’t want to get stuck in between REs in case things go to hell like last time. There’s nothing like finding out that you’re going to miscarry only to learn that no one will act as your doctor. I need the clinic that’s in charge of my care to be the one doing my ultrasounds, because I know that the worst case scenario is still a possibility.
So, I guess there’s nothing more to do now than wait. And hope.
Taking a Step Back June 15, 2006
I have to admit that I’ve been having a hard time the past few days. I’ve been absolutely consumed with fear and worry. I’ve just been so scared that something is going to go wrong. I can barely think of anything else.
I needed something to get myself out of my brain, to allow myself to take a step back. I got that today. I needed a reminder that I am so lucky to have these things to worry about. So incredibly lucky.
I have wanted nothing more these past 4.5 years then to be pregnant. I’ve also dreamed of having our very own house while we’ve moved from apartment to apartment the past 10 years. At this very moment, both of those things are happening. I’ve been focusing so much on the fact that something could go wrong with both situations that I haven’t stopped to acknowledge that at least for right now I’ve got what I wanted.
I don’t know how to stop worrying. I don’t think it’s possible for me especially about the whole pregnancy thing. I know that it could still very easily be taken away from me. That thought doesn’t leave my mind.
I think part of my problem is that I feel that if I do acknowledge the situation then I’ll somehow jinx it. Every time Dan says the p-word I shush him. Like somehow if I hide in denial land then it can’t be taken away. Well, obviously that’s not the case.
I know that I need to work on realizing that I can acknowledge what I have and be thankful for it right this very moment even while I worry about it being taken away. Because I am thankful. Truly.
Still Stunned June 12, 2006
Just to let you know where my mind was going into today’s ultrasound, last night I verified that the hospital that my RE is affiliated with was listed as a provider with our insurance company just in case I needed to schedule a D&C today. Yeah, I was not filled with confidence that we would be getting good news.
Thankfully I will not be needing that info yet. Much to my surprise, my ultrasound went well this afternoon. There was appropriate growth, and the heartbeat was still going strong at 156 bpm. Unreal.
I go back again next Monday for another check. I seriously doubt it will have sunk in by then.
A Bit Discombobulated June 11, 2006
I’ve been a bit of a mess this week in multiple ways. Yesterday morning while attempting to prepare breakfast I dropped our pepper ball into a bowl of raw scrambled eggs. Um, yeah. That thing was done for. Then I turned on the wrong burner on the stove. I was quickly banned from the kitchen for the rest of the morning.
I’ve felt a bit uneasy all week. An obvious reason for this would be tomorrow’s ultrasound. I’m still terrified of bad news. It just doesn’t seem like things could all possibly work out at once.
Another reason for my uneasiness is the new house situation. At first I thought it was just the first time homebuyer issues coming into play. I finally figured out that that wasn’t it at all. I can handle paperwork, and I can handle all of the other bureaucratic crap that comes along with it. I can even handle handing over a big chunk of money. I’ve become a bit numb to that after writing so many huge ass checks for IVF cycles.
It dawned on me the other day what was really going on. I’ve been feeling guilty. You see, no one else in my family could afford to buy a house like that. Our house will be about three times larger than my parent’s house, the house my two brothers and I grew up in. It feels weird to be buying a big house when it’s just us right now. I know it will make more sense in the future, but it makes for some conflicting feelings in the present. I’ve been trying to reconcile my guilt about it, but it’s hard. I just don’t want to make anyone feel badly.
I guess it is just a strange feeling to me to have something great to look forward to. I’m so used to getting the short end of the stick. I’m also so used to sacrificing financially for this little IVF venture that it seems foreign to me to be buying this house. I guess it will just take time to sink in like everything else.
I have to admit it’s been nice to have a distraction. It really hasn’t made this week go by any faster, though. I’m sure the clock will be ticking very slowly until tomorrow as well.
It’s Been a Big Week June 7, 2006
I was all set to write a post today about the frustrations of house hunting, but it looks like I don’t have to because we found ourselves a house. It’s been a very surreal week.
We went and looked at a few more houses while we were over in Houston on Monday. We found a new construction house we liked but wanted to sleep on it. When we called back on Tuesday we found out it had been sold that morning. I know our experiences make it seem that houses are just flying off the shelves where we’re looking, but that’s not actually the case. It’s just the houses we end up liking that seem to be swept out from under us.
Anyway, the builder had another house with the same floorplan that had an additional bedroom and bathroom. That plus some additional upgrades made it higher priced than the one we were looking at buying. After some thinking and some negotiating with the builder’s representative, we decided to go for it.
I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment. Not only is buying your first house a huge step, but it just seams unreal to me to be buying this particular house. It’s huge to me. It has 5 bedrooms and 4.5 baths. I don’t know what the hell we’ll do with all of that, but we wanted a house we could grow into. I guess this fits the bill.
Here it is.
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On a separate note, I just want to express how much all of your comments on my last post truly mean to me. Many times I have sat and cried while I read the comments to my end of cycle posts. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I read all of your comments to my most recent post, but for once I was not crying tears of sadness. Thank you for that.
I’m Stunned June 5, 2006
I truly can’t believe I’m about to write this, but my ultrasound went well today. We saw a fetal pole measuring 6w2d (I’m 6w1d today) with a heartbeat of 119. The yolk sac was a little hard to discern on the ultrasound, so we’ll have to keep any eye on that. I’m still in shock. I mean serious shock.
Normally my clinic would schedule the next u/s in 2 weeks, but with my history my RE wants me back in a week. You’ll hear no complaints from me. This is the farthest we’ve ever gotten, but I know there are still so many hurdles ahead.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your good thoughts and support. They mean the world to me.
Reality Sets In June 4, 2006
It’s really hard not to think about something like what I’ve been trying not to think about. As much as I’ve tried to stay in denial about everything, it is now hitting hard that tomorrow is a big day.
I’m nervous, and I’m terrified of bad news. I keep having flashbacks to my first ultrasound last time around. I’m just horrified of the thought of being put in the same situation tomorrow. I wish I could keep myself from thinking about the worst case scenario, but I can’t. It’s impossible after I’ve walked that road before.
Man, I wish I could be one of those people who just expects everything to go ok. It somehow seems to work out for those people. I’m expecting the opposite, though.
I also wish that hoping was enough. I sure as hell am hoping for wonderful news, but that’s never helped before. I don’t expect it to help any now.
I guess there’s nothing I can do but just try to make it tomorrow. Right now that seems like a feat unto itself.
Denial Meets Distraction June 1, 2006
I’m still firmly planted in denial land but thought it might be a good idea to through a little distraction into the mix. You can’t have too many coping mechanisms it seems.
We decided to move ahead with the house stuff and submitted an offer on the house we had our eye on. Getting all of that paperwork completed was definitely a good distraction. Unfortunately we found out this morning that our offer wasn’t selected. Someone else decided to submit an offer on the same day and when they found out that they were in a multiple offer situation, they upped their offer to above listing price.
I’m bummed because we really, really liked that house. We’ve been looking for a month and a half and haven’t found anything we like nearly as much. Oh, well. I guess that’s how things go. To be honest, I didn’t think we could have both the house stuff and other “not to be named” stuff both work out well at the same time. We’re not that lucky. If I were given the choice, you know which one I’d choose.
So, we’re back to the drawing board with the house hunting stuff. We still have time, but it would have been nice just to have it done.
As much as the distraction has been good, this house stuff has made me a little more nervous. Adding one nerve wracking wait on top of another isn’t always the best idea. Of course I can’t help but wonder if not getting this house is the beginning of things starting to unravel. I know it’s not a rational thought, but it would be just my luck.
I guess I really just need to focus on living in denial land for now. My mind goes too many ugly places otherwise. Ok, let’s give it a shot. Ultrasound? What ultrasound? House? What house? See, it’s working already.