A Bit Discombobulated June 11, 2006
I’ve been a bit of a mess this week in multiple ways. Yesterday morning while attempting to prepare breakfast I dropped our pepper ball into a bowl of raw scrambled eggs. Um, yeah. That thing was done for. Then I turned on the wrong burner on the stove. I was quickly banned from the kitchen for the rest of the morning.
I’ve felt a bit uneasy all week. An obvious reason for this would be tomorrow’s ultrasound. I’m still terrified of bad news. It just doesn’t seem like things could all possibly work out at once.
Another reason for my uneasiness is the new house situation. At first I thought it was just the first time homebuyer issues coming into play. I finally figured out that that wasn’t it at all. I can handle paperwork, and I can handle all of the other bureaucratic crap that comes along with it. I can even handle handing over a big chunk of money. I’ve become a bit numb to that after writing so many huge ass checks for IVF cycles.
It dawned on me the other day what was really going on. I’ve been feeling guilty. You see, no one else in my family could afford to buy a house like that. Our house will be about three times larger than my parent’s house, the house my two brothers and I grew up in. It feels weird to be buying a big house when it’s just us right now. I know it will make more sense in the future, but it makes for some conflicting feelings in the present. I’ve been trying to reconcile my guilt about it, but it’s hard. I just don’t want to make anyone feel badly.
I guess it is just a strange feeling to me to have something great to look forward to. I’m so used to getting the short end of the stick. I’m also so used to sacrificing financially for this little IVF venture that it seems foreign to me to be buying this house. I guess it will just take time to sink in like everything else.
I have to admit it’s been nice to have a distraction. It really hasn’t made this week go by any faster, though. I’m sure the clock will be ticking very slowly until tomorrow as well.
- Posted in : Post cycle #7: Trying to stay knocked up, various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
You deserve everything good, most importantly a great ultrasound tomorrow but also a wonderful house. I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow; I’ll be thinking of you!
That house is BEAUTIFUL! You know, I know what you mean about just waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. Several friends and I all read your blog faithfully. And we’re all rooting for you! One friend in particular did 3 rounds of IVF and now has her beautiful baby girl.
Life will find a way. Let it. :)
Amanda - Good luck with the ultrasound tomorrow. And forget the survivor’s guilt!
Meg
Survivior’s guilt comes in so many forms. But try not to worry about the house. Real estate is one of those sound investments and I’m sure your parents are very proud and pleased to know that you’re able to do the bigger house after all you’ve been through. Congratulations.
I’m really pulling for you and, as far as the house goes, you deserve it. My husband had some of the same guilt, having grown up in a small (1500 sq ft) house with one bathroom for six people. I still don’t see how they did it and think it would have been impossible if he had three sisters rather than three brothers. Eventually, when he saw the reactions of his family, he came to see it as they did - as a testimony to how hard he has worked and how much he has achieved.
I hope you have a great ultrasound tomorrow.
Maybe once you get moved and invite your family over, the sharing of your house will feel good.
Thinking about you and wishing you the best tomorrow!
Good luck tomorrow.
And I understand about the house but…it is what it is. They will all be happy for you and will end up bragging to their friends about your house ; )
I’m still in lust with your house, thinking of all that room to fill with books and stuff ahhhhh just one of the simple pleasures of living vicariously though you.
Wishing you every good vibe I can muster for tomorrow’s u/s (could be today I’m never sure what day/time it is across the puddle)
I can understand the guilt but you guys have earned it. Your family will understand and love it too. And those who feel slighted will just have to get over it. :) Good luck with the ultrasound tomorrow.
Amanda,
Ditto what everyone has written about the house and the ultrasound. I hear what you are saying about the house, but … heck, you will be filling it up! And one other thought I wanted to share: We are the “poor ones” on both sides, and I sometimes feel guilty that we don’t have a nicer/bigger place when family come to visit us! But I never think the rest of them don’t deserve their nicer places. Ours is ours and that’s that.
Fingers crossed for the ultrasound!
Cathy
First off, I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow…stay positive. You’re feeling OK?
About the house - try not to feel guilty about it. If you can do it, go for it. You guys deserve it. You’ve worked hard and paid your dues more than once. I’m jealous of the fun you’ll have decorating! Sure, it’s a big place, but just like any couple purchasing a home, you WILL grow into it.
First, I adore you even more because you used my favorite word, discombobulated. Isn’t it just the best word? Secondly, I have house issues too - I feel guilty for having the house that we do and not filling it like all of our neighbors have. Also because my parents don’t have this either. Its a beatiful home, sweetie, and you guys worked hard to have it - I am sure no one in your life would begrudge you your success. Thinking good thoughts for tomorrow’s scan.
Amanda, I’m hoping tomorrow is a good day; expecting more positive good news. Your sensitive feelings about the house do you credit, and I agree with everyone else that I’m sure your parents are pleased for you, and glad to see that you are in a good and secure place.
I understand the guilt…but what a nice thing to have going on. I hope everything goes great tomorrow.
My love you deserve only good things to look forward to; and more. I can understand a bit of that guilt, but bear in mind that people that love and care for you will only want great things for you too….
Can’t wait to hear good news tomorrow!
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you and I TOTALLY get the guilt. I recently saw one of my cousins while I was on a business trip. He’s in his mid-40’s, not married, has medical issues and no health insurance, trapped in a dead end job that bores him to tears, still renting w/ a roommate, etc. I feel guilty that I have so much more than he does. But you and Dan should be proud of all you’ve accomplished together. I hope you are able to fill up all those bedrooms, beginning with one in about 7.5 months.
Dear Amanda, I’m thinking about you today and hoping your ultrasound goes fantastically well.
You deserve to have good things happen to you.
Good luck with your ultrasound today, I will be checking back repeatedly!!
Amanda,
Hope all goes well with the u/s and let me tell you, you deserve great things! You are a wonderful person.
Thinking of you, and wondering how the ultrasound is going! Also, about the house. Think of it this way…your parents should be proud they raised a woman who is so successful! ;)
Rachel
Echoing the thoughts of others on the house - I can relate having two empty rooms here makes me feel guilty too, even though I know we worked our butts off to deserve it, I know that other people work their butts off and still don’t get it.
Anyway, wishing you the best with the ultrasound, and I hope that you are soon able to start celebrating and believing in the GOOD in your life!!
Thinking of you!
I’m thinking of you today Amanda! The house is gorgeous, and you deserve it. I understand the guilt thing completely… but in the cosmic balance of things, you really REALLY deserve it. (That and a good ultrasound today!)
That house is incredible. Please don’t feel guilty. It will stop you from enjoying it like you deserve to. Am keeping my fingers crossed for the U/S today! Please update us when you can.
I’m dyin’ here! Hoping to hear from you soon.