Taking a Step Back June 15, 2006
I have to admit that I’ve been having a hard time the past few days. I’ve been absolutely consumed with fear and worry. I’ve just been so scared that something is going to go wrong. I can barely think of anything else.
I needed something to get myself out of my brain, to allow myself to take a step back. I got that today. I needed a reminder that I am so lucky to have these things to worry about. So incredibly lucky.
I have wanted nothing more these past 4.5 years then to be pregnant. I’ve also dreamed of having our very own house while we’ve moved from apartment to apartment the past 10 years. At this very moment, both of those things are happening. I’ve been focusing so much on the fact that something could go wrong with both situations that I haven’t stopped to acknowledge that at least for right now I’ve got what I wanted.
I don’t know how to stop worrying. I don’t think it’s possible for me especially about the whole pregnancy thing. I know that it could still very easily be taken away from me. That thought doesn’t leave my mind.
I think part of my problem is that I feel that if I do acknowledge the situation then I’ll somehow jinx it. Every time Dan says the p-word I shush him. Like somehow if I hide in denial land then it can’t be taken away. Well, obviously that’s not the case.
I know that I need to work on realizing that I can acknowledge what I have and be thankful for it right this very moment even while I worry about it being taken away. Because I am thankful. Truly.
- Posted in : Post cycle #7: Trying to stay knocked up
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Let me be the first to tell you to RELAX and try to enjoy this. I know easier said than done but if you don’t you might regret it. So happy for the both of you as you will have a bright future so “smell the roses”.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Being the p-word and buying a new house are some of the biggest changes you can face. I’m sure that with time you will face these joyous events with as much grace as you’ve handled the struggles. And being nervous and scared are all part of it.
It is normal to be worried after everything you have been through. And although you should take every opportunity to de-stress, you should also cut yourself some slack, these are some anxiety ridden times! We are all sending postive, relaxing thoughts your way.
Honestly, I think you’re feeling what every person who’s dealt with IF feels in this type of situation, even more so given the losses that you and Dan have dealt with along the way.
It’s hard and I wish there was a magic pill would let us just go about living life and pg obliviously happy. But, sadly, once you’ve seen the ‘dark’ side, that naivete is gone. I’ve been taking it one day at a time, as in ‘today I am still pg, today I am where I want to be/have what I want to have, today NBHHY.’ It’s the best I can do. Maybe this approach can help you? I honestly don’t know but it’s the best I can tell you, and I’m sorry if it’s not helpful. It will get easier with time though.
(And believe me, I still shush A when he asks about the future or says the p word, so as not to jinx the good things that I assume are still going on in my nether regions.)
Please know that there are plenty of us out here rooting for you, Dan, the wee one, and the new house.
I never figured out how to relax and enjoy it. I was nervous throughout the pregnancy, nervous when I checked into the hospital, nervous when he was delivered. I don’t think I actually believed I’d take home a baby until they handed him to me.
I regret that I wasn’t able to be more excited, but even nervous as I was, I was always incredibly grateful. I think infertiles get this is a way fertiles just don’t.
Hang in there.
I know exactly how you are feeling, so I don’t really have any good suggestions. When are we allowed to relax and simply feel happy about what should be good news? Trying to remember the good things in life is helping me a bit. I’m also trying to terms with the fact that I have no control over any of this. You have been through so much more than me and I am hoping with all my heart that everything works out well for you.
Good for you for realizing how lucky you are. It is HARD - very hard - to not be super paranoid, especially after all you’ve been through. And the worry will not stop, although as your belly grows and your symptoms get stronger the “P” word will be easier to accept - but speaking for myself I worried the ENTIRE 40 weeks, waiting for something to go wrong. When I got into that car wreck at 21 weeks I felt like “here we go, here is the something that has been waiting to go wrong.”
But along with that worry, make sure you do enjoy it. What is happening to you at this very moment is nothing short of a miracle; savor it for all it is worth. You’ve been feeling so unlucky for so long, you’ve probably almost forgotten what it feels like to be on the winning side. Smile and try to enjoy!
You know I’m pulling for all these good things to happen. I believe they will, I just want you to believe it!
How can you not worry when you want this so much? It’s natural and normal. You’re doing good by taking the moment to just be thankful. I’m so happy you are where you are…
You’ve been through so much- how could you not obsess about it constantly? That’s my big fear- how to get through 9 months of DBT and am I willing to potentially risk that upheaval again. I hope that you find a way to make peace with your mind because (hopefully) you’ve 7 more months of this and who wants to spend all that time making themselves nuts? But believe me, I get it, and I know its way easier said than done.
You know, have never been there, I have no advice. I can only imagine how difficult this must be, and having heard it from so many other infertiles, it seems, unfortunately, “normal”. So all I can do is offer big hugs, and let you know that you are in my prayers every day.
First off, you are buying a house! We want to buy a house but are too poor at this point, but everyone that we know that has bought a house has freaked out. Not that you are or anything, just that it is normal. It is HUGE! You have so many things that you have to do, so many things to get done, that it is just one huge stress after the other.
On the pregnancy front, I hear ya! Don’t beat yourself up over how you feel. I’ve seen this kid on ultrasound four times already and I still can’t believe I’m pregnant and that a baby will actually be coming home with me at the end of this. We tried for six years to get to this point and feel so blessed to be here, but it hasn’t been easy. The kid is measuring at 13 weeks, and I spent nine of those weeks bleeding nonstop and passing clots. Hence all of the ultrasounds. There is no “taking it one day at a time” in our situations (infertility). It is more like taking it minute by minute. You’ve also got the pregnancy hormones going on.
Feel how you have to feel. When I talk about this pregnancy and the “future” I say “if we get that far” and I have to. I’m faced with a lot of people telling me to “think positive” and it makes me feel worse. You know what can go wrong and it sucks. You do what you have to do to get through each day. Never feel bad about that.
Also, congratulations! I’m also one of those people that stalk your journal every day to see how you are doing.
Oh love, I know only too well that anxiety. I started my blog when I was still pregnant with Piper and Laine, and it was just peppered with stress and anxiety. You are too scared to relax or even say something positive, when in reality you are at a good place right now even though you can’t bring yourself to enjoy it.
Not going to give you any assvice other than to say you’re not alone, and taking things one day at a time is the best you can hope for….
I never figured out how to get past the fear and apprehension. I still haven’t. What does work for me is not fighting it some times, just letting in flow and having a good cry and a good case of the shakes, until some of that negativity leaves me and I can count my lucky stars. But easy? No way.
What helps to is to say “for today, you are here. I can enjoy this second.” Especially if you can’t bring yourself to trust the next. And it’s not suprising that you can’t.
I am feeling the same way you are! It is so hard not to worry and feeling like truly acknowledging the situation will somehow jinx it. I haven’t even told our families since I am so scared that something bad will happen. Like you, I am trying to keep my worrying nature to a minimum but it is so hard when you have so much heartache in the past when it comes to the subject. All I am trying is to take a moment each day and realize that for now I am ok. Even if something bad happened before - it doesn’t mean that it will again…and if it does I can’t do anything about it right now. It’s all out of my control. Such an annoying realization to make.
You are not alone. I am praying for you and your little bean.
I don’t think it’s possible, given your history, to not worry. Having been in a somewhat similar (but totally not) situation, worrying comes with the territory. I had (have) to give myself a mantra to repeat every day, reminding myself that I had no real logical reason to believe anything would go wrong this time. I had to take it each day at a time. And I had to remind myself EVERY DAY to embrace the pregnancy. It got easier with the 2nd trimester (and the doppler rental), but I won’t breathe easy until I have a baby in my arms.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, what you’re feeling is completely normal. We’re here to vent to, in the meantime, and prop you up on the rough days. :)
of course you’re thankful!
sorry you’re still worrying a lot (which is totally normal). we’re rooting for you!
Of course you are terrified. That is completely normal for someone in your situation. I know how long you have wanted both of these things and the fact that both of them just may happen, darn it, well that’s overwhelming! Of course, it doesn’t mean there is any more chance that they won’t happen. In fact, I have a very good feeling that a year from now you will be snuggling your little one out on the front lawn of your gorgeous house. Oh, and will you invite me over for it? :-)
…i hope you can enjoy…
…and soon…
…maybemaybe?…
x
I worried ALL the time during my pregnancy. During the first trimester it was about miscarriage. The second that she wasn’t moving enough. The third that her frequent hiccups were due to cord entanglement. I was always Googling and it did my head in. I know my advice to just take it day by day seems trite but that’s what you;ve got to do. Enjoy it!
I can certainly understand the worry you must be feeling. You have been burned so many times in the past that it must be impossible to believe it’s really happening. I do hope that once you get out of the first trimester that you can use the P word, and feel some kind of enjoyment out of your pregnancy. Yup, I said it!
IVFriend Melissa =)
“I think part of my problem is that I feel that if I do acknowledge the situation then I’ll somehow jinx it.” I feel the exact same way! I feel I will be punished if I dare to act like a “normal” pg woman - even for just a moment. Good advice to take one day at a time. If you figure out out to do that, let me know!
Dear Amanda, I think if you weren’t feeling fear, you’d be super-human. This is a scary place you’re in. But I am hoping like mad that this place soon becomes un-scary and quite nice, actually!
I’m glad you’re thankful, but it’s ok to be scared, too. This is such a terrifying time. But so far so good. No reason why it can’t continue this way.
I think the fear is so normal after what you have been through. If I am every lucky enough to get married again and have a chance at a baby I am sure I would be the same way.
I am so happy that your dreams seem to be coming true.
You deserve every good thing that is happening for you right now.
I am so happy for you with your p-word and your new house. It’s a lot to take in. I hope you can enjoy it some but there’s so much you’re going through. I think it’s all normal and hope you can find a way to be as kind to yourself as you can. Wishing you lots and lots of continued good things.
I know just how you feel. The worrying is really, really tough. It is so hard to acknowledge when things are out of our control- especially huge life changing things. What has helped me is to remember how strong hub and I have been so far, and that we will still be strong and OK if everything falls apart. Terrifying thought, but it has helped me to face it. Sorry if this was assvice!
Also- your homones are wreaking havoc on you right now. You would be nuts anyway. It starts to get better around 12 weeks. Hang in there!