I Think I Suck at This June 27, 2006
Now I consider myself a pretty kick ass IVF patient. I was good at it. I knew what I was doing, had countless hours of research stored in my brain somewhere, and didn’t hesitate to ask for what I wanted from my RE. I was confident.
This current situation, on the other hand, well I’m just not so great at it. I’m too scared to research anything on the subject. I requested some books from the library, and it almost sent me into a tailspin. They’re not even in my possession, and they sure as hell won’t be purchased by me (that would presume that I would need them for the long haul) and they’re already making me nervous.
The whole OB selection situation honestly freaked me the hell out. While I can call up an IVF clinic and ask for an appointment without blinking an eye, I felt like a fumbling idiot when I called to make an OB appointment yesterday.
Obviously I managed to decide on one, but it wasn’t easy. Not only did I have to decide on a specific OB, but that decision needed to be based on which insurance plan we would go with once Dan gets back to the firm. Basically, it came down to going with a random HMO OB and paying hardly anything out of pocket or going with a recommended OB (both from my RE and one of my friends who is now pregnant after IVF) that will mean shelling out a lot out of pocket because that would mean going with the PPO plan that has not so wonderful benefits.
Dan and I decided it was worth the extra money to go with someone who wouldn’t think I was a massive IVF freak. Well, of course I am, but we don’t need any medical professionals judging me on that fact. We’ve spent so much on this venture already that it’s worth it to shell out more to have more individualized care. As Dan says, you get what you pay for.
Needless to say, trying to decide on an OB and attempting to work up the nerve to check out some pregnancy books are “problems” that I am beyond grateful to have. I just feel greatly inadequate to deal with these types of things.
To change the subject a bit, a couple questions from the comments on my last post stuck with me, so I’ll attempt to answer them. Emily wanted to know how I was feeling physically. Well, I have to say that I haven’t really felt comfortable talking about it for a couple of reasons. First of all, this is still an infertility blog. Talking about morning sickness, etc, just doesn’t feel right to me when I know there are people reading my blog who would kill to have something like that to “complain” about. Secondly, I’m still at least partially in denial. Talking about stuff like that is hard. But to answer your question in a general sense, Emily, I’ve had symptoms before I even peed on a stick. They’ve continued and new ones have popped up along the way, but even when I’m not feeling so great I feel reassured.
Thalia wanted to know if not even a tiny bit of me is happy. I am happy. I know it seems like all I do is vent about how scared I am, but that’s what I need to vent about. The happy part of me doesn’t need to vent. That scared part is one pushy bitch when it comes to blogging. I’m sorry if it doesn’t show through more that I am grateful and happy, because I am. I think part of it is that I never expected this to work. I don’t think it should have, not after all of my other failed cycles. As a result, it’s hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this is real, that this is actually happening to me.
If I’m lucky enough to have this continue then maybe one day the reality will sink in. I don’t ever expect to be a kick ass pregnant chick. I’m much more comfortable in my IVF world. But maybe I’ll be able to make an OB appointment without my heart racing. Or maybe I’ll be able to come out of denial land long enough to for my happy feelings to stand up to my scared ones. Maybe.
- Posted in : Post cycle #7: Trying to stay knocked up
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Perfectly said. And I hope (and have no doubt) that you’ll eventually make your way out of denial land. Those happy feelings are there and they’ll break through the scared side to prevail, no doubt.
I keep waiting for it to feel real, too. I suspect that happens when the child leaves for college.
Oh I felt like a complete dweeb when making my OB appointment. I didn’t know how to answer their questions and the forms I had to fill out didn’t seem to apply to me. I had to make up my own “this pregnancy is via IVF” answers. Made me realize that no matter how many of us there are an IVF land, we are such an exclusive group and no one knows how to deal with us. Not even us.
You’re doing so well and I am so thankful that’s finally happening for you. Just don’t faint when you walk through the doors of the OB’s office.
I felt oddly weird going to my family doc for my resp problems. I can hardly relate to ANY doc that is not all about E2, P3 and follie counts!
As time passes and scary milestones pass, I sincerely hope you can feel more and more of the good stuff of pregnancy.
I also suspect that MANY (if not most) IVF patients are in denial until their living breathing baby(s) are in their arms.
I hope the happy part takes over before then, of course. But in the meantime, vent on whatever topic you need to!
I burst into tears at my first OB appointment. I picked a perinatologist (sp) specifically because I thought she would be used to dealing with freaked out women. She totally think I’m nuts. Pick the best one, but don’t worry about what they think of you. Just make sure they treat you, right? Not so different from the REs.
Another bit of assvice: I think it’s good to do the research. Reading about scary stuff helps me to imagine that I could get through it, but I’ve found it will overwhelm me if I read more than just a little at a time. Try that. You don’t need to know everything right away.
OK, assvisor out.
I cant stand how excited I am for you – please post it all – we infertiles can handle it and it is fun to live throught you and your success! You have so earned this!!! Yipee!!!!!
Prepare for major culture shock when you finally do go to your first OB visit.
People in the waiting room will be pregnant. And they’ll look relaxed and happy. The nurses will look happy. There will be pictures of babies on the wall. And you will think “My God, the hubris!”
Good luck on walking in these strange new shoes : )
Vent away! I spent almost my whole pregnancy feeling happy-but-scared, and your blog is the perfect place to talk about those fears with people who understand.
Dear Amanda, I think I can understand how you feel — all your reference points have shifted completely, so it’s hard to get your bearings in this amazing but frightening place.
I hope you like your OB. I hope you have a long, happy, uncomplicated, wonderful relationship with your OB.
I hope the happiness wins out soon.
I’m still waiting for it to feel real too. I’m starting to think it never will.
I’m nowhere near as far into infertility treatments as you. But I still can’t imagine what it would be like to actually be pregnant, much less have it all work out. I know I would be terrified until I had a real, live baby in my arms. I think you’re doing great. Vent away and good luck with your OB.
Your post caused me to come out of lurkdom. I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months, cheering with you, crying with you, waiting with you and hoping with you. With 10 years of IF and misc treatments under my belt, I can totally relate to just about everything you write. Now, more than ever, I find myself shaking my head yes. After multiple IVF/ICSI’s, a chemical, blighted ovum and vanishing twin, I find myself in the same place you are…only two weeks ahead. Our betas and heart rates have been so similar it’s eerie, and my feelings about it all sit on the edge of denial, anxiety, shock and elation. The closer we get to the second trimester the better I feel, and I hope the same holds true for you. Congratulations and thanks for sharing your journey with the internets.
You’ll be a kick-ass pregnant chick before you know it. I have a feeling it will just sneak up on you. In the meantime, vent, vent, vent. We’re all here to listen.
Yes, it is scary. And you have every right to feel however you feel. Don’t worry about us, we are cheering you on!
Amanda – As a real IF rookie who hasn’t even really started IVF #1 yet, I just want you to know that (and watch me as I throw up despite my most noble of intentions) your story is… well… it’s *inspiring*, you know? I want you to tell us about your experiences, not feel bad about them.
I want to hear about the damn symptoms woman! And maybe that you’ve gained a couple of pounds because I’m very jealous of how skinny you are.
Seriously though, I’m totally understanding the denial thing. Hope your appointment goes well.
I’m so pleased that you are a bit happy, and I am glad to entertain your pushy scared bitch side whenever she feels like coming out to play. You’re right, after so much failure there was no reason to believe in this. So I’m even more delighted than usual.
Relax Relax Relax – I say that because if you research and find situations of “what if” all the way through this pregnacy, you are going to drive yourself and everyone around you nuts. My lil sis does that to us everytime she’s been preggo. To much knowledge can’t make you looney. Deep breaths, massages, etc. will do you wonders so you can enjoy every moment.
There will probably be a small part of you that really doesn’t believe it until you are actually pushing him/her out. lol.
Enjoy it…:)
I hope you quickly transition from “comfortable in IVF world” to “comfortable in preggo world too”. :-)
best wishes
It really takes time to settle into belief and joyful anticipation. the thing that did the trick for me was feeling movement at 21 weeks or so. Having that near-constant reminder of the alien life-form habitating within goes a long way toward believing and allaying fears. And then later, when you can see various body parts poking on the outside! Whoa!
Take it one week at a time. We understand your fear.