I’m a Mess September 28, 2006
I have not even had my new car for a week, and I’ve already managed to hurt it. Poor car.
Apparently I parked too close to the garage wall, and the wall and my car had a battle while I tried to back out of the garage today. I’ve never parked in a garage before we bought this house, but that’s no excuse for me fucking things up. I scraped the paint on my car, damn it! The garage wall didn’t get off too easy either.
Of course this led to me forgoing my planned errands to instead sit in the house crying. This is not an uncommon sight these days. It’s been a daily occurence this week. I know, it’s the hormones, but man, do I feel like a mess.
It’s not just the car. I can’t do anything right. I made a complete mess of the kitchen just trying to dish up dinner last night. I was dropping knives on the floor and just causing all kinds of trouble.
Hell, it had been hours after I returned home yesterday from an outing that included trying on some clothes on in an unsuccessful attempt to buy something new before I noticed that I had my shirt on inside out. Attractive.
Oh, and you should have seen me after I spent 45 minutes on the phone with our new mail order pharmacy trying to track down my Lovenox prescription without success. Long story, but it turns out they threw my Rx away. I lost it as soon as I hung up. Bawling can’t even begin to describe it.
Thank goodness my husband is beyond understanding of the crazy pregnant woman currently residing with him. I can always count on him to calm me down.
I will gladly accept the mess that is the current version of me, because I know it is all for the best cause ever. I do think, however, that I might lock myself in my bedroom for the next few months. I think that might limit the damage a bit.
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I know none of this is a huge deal in the big scheme of things. I just needed to vent. Then I can take a step back and remember how damn lucky I am to have a new car to scrape up and even more importantly, how lucky I am to have a little guy in there to screw up my hormones. I’ve never been happier to be a mess.
How’s This for a Belly Pic? September 26, 2006
Multiple people have questioned me about belly pics. Dan found this the other day, and I thought it was perfect. We both just laughed and laughed when we saw it.
Twins! September 24, 2006
No, not that kind of twins. Car twins.
Dan and I bought new cars yesterday, Accords to be more exact. It was a long time coming. The process wasn’t as bad as I had prepared myself for. We went the internet salesperson route and got a really good deal with less hassle.
I thought I would be fine with one of the lower end models, but after seeing the EX with leather that Dan wanted, it was a pretty easy decision. So, our cars are identical except for the color. Mine’s the silver one.
I told Dan yesterday that after that we’re done spending money. After the house, the furniture, the cars, well I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I feel fortunate that we’re now in a place where we can do this, though. It’s amazing what happens when you’re not dropping $75K on IVF.
Of course it’s crossed my mind like a billion times that I’m jinxing things. All of this stuff will mean absolutely nothing if the little guy doesn’t make it. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but it’s impossible not to for a paranoid nut like me.
Today, though, things are good, and I’m very, very grateful. I hit the 22 week mark today, too, so that’s definitely a good thing as well.
It’s You Again? September 21, 2006
I’m starting to think that maybe I should just have a standing weekly appointment at the OB’s office. I was supposed to go in on Monday, but I ended up going in today instead. Sure, it had only been 10 days since my last appointment, but that’s just how it had to be.
I’ve been feeling not so hot lately. I’ve been alternating between feeling uncomfortable and being in quite a bit of pain, so much so that I’ve spent the majority of the past few days laying down since that’s the only thing that seems to help a little bit. I thought it could be UTI related since the pain was in the right region and because it began when my need to empty my bladder started increasing in frequency. I can handle pain, especially for a good cause, but I can’t handle being scared by not knowing what’s going on thus the appointment today.
They did the dip stick test at this morning’s appointment, and no infection was found. They’ll be sending it off to be cultured to make sure there’s nothing wrong.
My OB said that for some people, the type of pain I’ve been experiencing is par for the course. I guess it just goes to show how much I know. When I was sobbing in bed last night over the uncontrollable pain, I could have sworn that it wasn’t normal. She also said that since I’m so tiny (her words, not mine) that the growing pains could be worse for me. I asked about the need to pee every half hour since everything I’ve read points to the third trimester for that sort of thing and I’m still quite a ways away from that mark at 21.5 weeks, and she said that it’s normal for it to happen earlier especially given the petite factor.
I requested another cervix check ultrasound just to be on the safe side. I wanted to make sure those pains weren’t causing anything funky to happen in cervix land. My ultrasound definitely made me feel better. She measured my cervix three different times with the results falling in the 3.9-4.4cm range. This is good news. There was also no funneling present, so all is well in the cervical realm.
She also did an abdominal ultrasound just so I could see the little guy again. I definitely can’t get enough of that.
So, since nothing wrong was found I was told that I’m just going to have to tough out the pain and discomfort. As long as I know that things are ok in there, I can do that. I’m used to toughing things out. Plus, there’s not anything I wouldn’t do for the little guy in there. I want so badly to keep him in there for quite a while longer.
As we were wrapping things up, I asked when I should come back for my next appointment. She said three weeks, but I have my next appointment with the peri in three weeks, so I wanted to avoid that day. Plus, I really need to space these things out a bit. She then suggested coming back in four weeks, but after a quick glance at me she said, “Let’s make that two.” No complaints here.
Best Husband Ever September 18, 2006
I realize I may be a bit biased, but I happen to think I’ve got a good one. He’s most definitely a keeper. He’s back at the firm, working long hours, and he still finds time to make things easier for me. The man truly amazes me.
He was a wonderful IVF partner, and he’s a wonderful partner in this pregnancy. I wish I could share more with him. I can’t wait until he can feel the little guy moving around in there from the outside. I know he feels a little left out right now.
It’s not anyone’s birthday nor is it anywhere near our anniversary. I just feel the need to express my love and appreciation today. I love you, Dan! Thank you for being one hell of a husband.
What a Difference a Week Can Make September 13, 2006
Just over a week ago I was getting antsy about not feeling movement. To be honest, I think I might have been but just didn’t realize it. Now, I’m feeling the little guy quite a bit. It’s different than I expected. I guess that shouldn’t be surprising to me. It’s not like I know what I’m doing one iota with this pregnancy stuff.
What I thought was gas bubbles a week or two ago, I’m now pretty darn sure is actually movement. The past few days the frequency has increased quite a bit.
It’s weird because while this makes things feel a bit more real, it also makes them more surreal. I know that makes no sense, but it’s not like much ever does. I am 20.5 weeks pregnant, and I still really can’t believe it.
I don’t really expect the current state of things to truly sink in anytime soon. I don’t need to take it all in at once, though. Today I’m focusing on how thankful I am for these little bubbles fluttering around inside me. It’s truly amazing to me on so many levels.
Halfway September 11, 2006
Yesterday marked 20 weeks. I can’t believe it. I wish I could say that I spent the day celebrating the milestone, but the truth is that I spent most of the day freaking out.
I started having weird pains yesterday afternoon and then I came very close to passing out last night. That combined with the fact that my worries about my cervix and losing the little guy in general left me in sobs by bedtime. I just totally lost it.
I was supposed to go to the OB on Wednesday for a cervix check, but I ended up going in today instead. I knew there was no way I was going to make it another two days.
Things went well at my appointment. My OB did a vaginal ultrasound to measure my cervix, and it looked closed and measured in at 3.3 cm. It measured 3.9 cm at my level II ultrasound 12 days ago, but that was done abdominally. My OB was happy with it, and I guess I should be, too. I still can’t but help but worry some, though. It’s what I do.
They also ran a CBC to check for anemia because of my adventures in light headedness last night.
I wish my anxiety levels were decreasing instead of increasing, but it seems the further along I get, the more there is to lose. I’m sure my OB’s office thinks I’m a paranoid freak, but that’s just fine. I think it would be typical for me to go back for my next appointment in four weeks, but I’m going back in two at my request. I’d just assume go in a couple times a week, but I guess that might not go over well.
So, I guess the halfway mark just brought more worries with it, but that’s my fault to be sure. I am so grateful to have gotten this far. I really am. I just hope I can make it at least a couple more months.
Meds Up for Grabs September 7, 2006
If any of my fellow out of pocketers are cycling right now or in the immediate future and need either Repronex or PIO, I have a little of both that I’d like to donate. I have four vials of Repronex with an expiration date of 10/06 and one bottle of 100mg/mL PIO (the double strength good stuff) with an expiration date of 9/30/06. If you can use either or both, please shoot me an email. My address is over there in the sidebar.
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Both the Repronex and PIO have now been spoken for. I wish I could play Santa with IF meds more often.
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Maggie has generously offered her leftover meds for donation. She has 6 Follistim cartridges (600IU), a follistim pen and 6 ganirelix acetate injection 0.5 ml. If you’re interested, send me an email so I can pass it along to her. Thanks Maggie!
Home Alone September 5, 2006
Well, I guess that’s not completely true. I do have the kitties to keep me company.
Today is Dan’s first day back at the firm, so my days of having a stay at home husband have come to an end. It was so nice being able to spend so much time with him, and those 3+ weeks really flew by. Unfortunately the bills won’t pay themselves, though, so back to work he goes.
On a different note, I failed to mention that the peri did confirm at our Level II that the little guy is indeed a boy. Considering that the nuchal translucency tech guessed it was a boy at 12.5 weeks, our early fetal sex determination blood test came back boy, our OB thought it was a boy at our 15.5 week ultrasound, and now the peri concurred at 18.5 weeks, I think it’s safe to say that he’s in fact a he.
Neither Dan nor I had a preference. We would have been happy with a boy, girl, or alien after everything we went through to get to this point, but it is exciting to know.
Things are going ok while I hang out and wait for my next appointment. I do have to admit, though, that I’m getting very antsy to feel some movement in there. I crossed the 19 week mark on Sunday, so I know it could be any day now. He’s been a total wiggle worm on our ultrasounds, but I just can’t feel it yet. Thank goodness I can still pull out the doppler to check on things. I don’t know what I’d do without that.
Better September 1, 2006
It’s always good to have a couple of days to let yourself just breath. I’ve now digested Wednesday’s news and am finding myself doing better with it.
I have to admit that I’m worried less about the echogenic focus than about my body failing the little guy. Placenta issues and cervix issues and MTHFR issues all combine together to add just a tiny bit of worry to the situation.
I’m not going to be having any more testing done. The risk of an amnio is just not something I’m up for after all it took to get to this point. Plus, Dan and I are both in agreement that we wouldn’t terminate if the little guy does fall on the wrong side of the odds and does have Downs. It’s not really something we had discussed in detail before since we didn’t ever really expect to have this IVF stuff work in the first place and quite honestly our feelings in the past may not have been the same as our feelings now, but when the peri asked us on Wednesday if we would terminate if an amnio showed Downs we both answered no. It would be a different story if we were dealing with the possibility of something terminal, but I don’t think either of us could feel any other way at this point.
All of the stuff with my cervix and the placenta does worry me, but I feel better knowing that I’m in good hands with both my OB and the peri and that I am being monitored closely. My OB said from the very beginning that they would be watching me like a hawk, and that is indeed what’s happening.
I guess all of my time spent on the IVF roller coaster has allowed me to roll with the punches a bit more easily than I would have been able to without it. I know that unexpected things can pop up at any time. You just have to do your best to keep moving forward, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m trying my best to do what I can on my end and hoping for things that are out of my control to work out. Of course I’m prepared as much as one can be for more curves to be thrown in my path. I’m used to curves. I just hope this winding road leads to a real live baby in my arms.
On a slightly different note, I wanted to answer a couple questions I’ve been asked. I’m 18w5d today. I’m not always great about remembering to post how far along I am. If I continue to neglect to update that info and anyone is ever interested in knowing, you can find out by scrolling down past my links in the sidebar. I didn’t want an in your face type ticker, that is so not me, but I put that script in there after I realized that I’m not so great at updating how far along I am in my posts.
Also, no belly shots have been taken. This is the only belly shot that will be posted on this blog.
One more thing before I take the weekend off. (We’re having my family in for Labor Day weekend, our first time to play hosts in the new house). I thought it was kind of funny when the nurse at the high risk OB’s office asked me if I had had an ultrasound done earlier in the pregnancy. I replied that I had already had seven done, and she was like, “Seven???” As soon as the magic letters I-V-F were uttered she understood. I guess even at a peri’s office I’m a bit of a freak.
Thank you guys for all of your supportive comments the past couple of days. They mean so much.