Trimester Numero Tres October 29, 2006
I seemed to have made it to 27 weeks and am now in the third trimester. I honestly have no idea how that happened, but I’m so grateful to have made it this far.
I figured it was about time to start looking at furniture for the still empty bedroom that I so hope will become the little guy’s room, so Dan and I went on a researching expedition yesterday. Oh my goodness. It was so overwhelming. I’ve spent the last few years avoiding baby stores at any and all costs. I almost didn’t know how to walk into one.
I came home totally confused. I’ve done all of the Baby Bargains reading and all of that, but actually looking at cribs and such just left my head spinning. It’s very hard to wrap my brain around the need for a crib. I mean, babies go in cribs.
I think I’m going to go back later in the week after my head stops spinning and take another look. It was just too much to take in in one day. I’m still trying to really get the fact that I’m pregnant to sink in. I think it’s going to take quite a bit for the thought of the possibility of getting an actual baby out of this, a baby who requires things like cribs, to permeate my brain.
Thank Goodness They’re Only Guidelines October 26, 2006
I’ve read the talk around the web regarding the advisement by fertility experts to limit embryo transfers. I first saw it mentioned on a message board and then saw that Julie was talking about it as well. It got me thinking.
I feel fortunate to have done IVF in a country that does not have mandated limits on the number of embryos you can transfer. I highly doubt that I’d be in my current situation if that was the case. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do feel that guidelines are a good thing. It’s just that IVF is not a one size fits all kind of proposition. It’s my opinion that the number of embryos to transfer needs to be based on the details of each individual situation.
We all know of the lucky ones who get pregnant with twins on their first cycle, but we also all know that there are many, many people out there who undergo cycle after cycle with no such luck. The complexity of IVF can vary from person to person. I am so grateful to finally be pregnant, but I definitely wasn’t a lucky first timer. Just for the sake of review, here’s how my cycles went.
IVF #1: transferred 2 blasts- negative
FET #1: transferred 3 blasts- negative
IVF #2: transferred 3 blasts- chemical
FET #2: transferred 3 blasts- negative
IVF #3: transferred 3 day-3 embryos- miscarriage
IVF #4: transferred 3 blasts- chemical
FET #3: transferred 4 blasts- current pregnancy
I’m thinking 7 transfers was plenty. I couldn’t imagine having to go through 21 single embryo transfers instead.
Obviously I wouldn’t have transferred 4 blasts on my first cycle. I remember going into my first transfer saying that I didn’t want to transfer more than two because of the risk of triplets. Pretty funny now, but it was an appropriate thought at the time. My thoughts on the issue changed along the way, though. It honestly didn’t phase me to transfer four on my last cycle. I think patient history should play a huge part of the “how many to transfer” discussion.
For us it took 61 eggs retrieved, with 51 being mature enough to fertilize, resulting in 44 embryos, 21 of which made it to transfer, to get 1 pregnancy that would stick. I am glad that I got advice from my RE’s along the way, but I am so thankful that no one but Dan and myself got to make the decision about how many of those embryos to transfer and when.
Nothing in this IVF world is black and white. Guidelines most certainly have their place, but we have to remember that the IVF population is made up of individuals each with their own issues. What’s appropriate for one couple may or may not be for the next. It would be wonderful if everyone who needed IVF could get and stay pregnant after one or two single embryo transfers. That’s just not reality. Options are a very good thing. I just hope people continue to have them.
Two-Thirds October 23, 2006
There’s not too much excitement happening around here these days which I consider a good thing. I reached the 26 week mark yesterday, so I’m two-thirds of the way there (knock on wood).
I know 40 divided by 3 is not an even 26, but I’ll be induced at 39 weeks if I manage to make it that far. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s due to my Lovenox usage. You can’t have an epidural while taking Lovenox, so one approach is to stop the Lovenox at a specific time and then induce 36 hours later. Then you have the option of an epidural while not forgoing the Lovenox for too long.
I know a lot of people count pregnancy time in months. I still count it in days. Each day is a little milestone. Each week is a big one. 26 is amazing to me.
I still wake up most days and have to take a moment to realize that I truly am pregnant. It’s the opposite of what happened after my miscarriage. Then I would wake up, and it would take a few seconds before I realized I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
You would think that it would have sunk in by now, but I’m still having a hard time believing that this is really happening, that it’s not just a dream. I guess it is a dream, though, isn’t it? I just hope no one wakes me up.
I Hate These Kind of Anniversaries October 18, 2006
One year ago we lost our sweet Dixie to renal failure. I miss her so very much. At random moments Dan or I will say to the other “I miss Dixie.” She was, and continues to be, much loved.
Now we’re watching one of our other kitties, Muffy, deal with the same thing that took our Dixie. Muffy’s renal failure is progressing much more slowly than Dixie’s did. We have time to treat her, and she seems to be doing ok for the time being.
She’s tolerating her subq fluid treatments as well as can be expected. I mean, who can blame her for not really enjoying them, but we can definitely tell that they help her feel better. I have to admit, though, that it is kind of odd to be sharing my sharps container with my cat.
I don’t really talk much about our other kitty, Salvador, because at least for now things are status quo with him. He is loving the fact that we now have a back yard. I take him out every now and then so he can graze a bit. I have no idea why we hired people to cut our lawn when we’ve got Salvador.
So, today is a bittersweet day. I love thinking about Dixie memories, but it’s still hard. Thank goodness we still have our other two. They’re wonderful furballs.
Progress October 16, 2006
All of this pregnancy stuff still feels very surreal to me, but I’ve made a little bit of progress recently.
- I registered for hospital classes today. Given Dan’s busy schedule, I knew I needed to get that done sooner rather than later so that he’ll be able to go. I was totally nervous as I signed up for them (thank goodness you can do that sort of thing online) but I did it. I guess it’s easier to do that than to shop for furniture and the like because it’s non tangible. Plus, there’s a refund policy in place just in case. (I can’t stop thinking that the other shoe might drop even while attempting this progress thing.)
- I told my mom that I didn’t want a shower. I was totally dreading that conversation, because I knew what her reaction would be. She started right in with the “why not’s?” I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable having one, but apparently that wasn’t enough of an answer. I wasn’t budging, though. Ever since I decided that I wouldn’t be having one, I’ve felt so much better. It’s like a weight has been lifted off of me. One less thing anxiety producing thing is always a good thing in my mind.
- Dan and I decided on a name. We’re not referring to the little guy by it yet, but he does have one. I didn’t get around to telling my mom that we’ve decided to keep it to ourselves for the duration (she’s been asking quite often). I figured one thing at a time.
So, I figure all of that buys me a little time before I need to attempt anything else. As scary as it is and as much as I am still terrified that all of this won’t end up working out in the end, I have to admit that I feel a tiny sense of relief that I’ve let myself move forward just a tad.
A Morning at the Peri’s Office October 12, 2006
I had another appointment with the perinatologist today. I have to admit I was nervous. It didn’t help that the doctor was running an hour and a half behind so I had extra time to worry about things not going well. Things did go well, however.
My placenta is still low lying, but it’s moved up almost 3cm and is now 3.9cm away from my cervix. The echogenic focus on the little guy’s heart is still there, but it’s smaller than last time so the peri thinks it will end up resolving itself. Growth looks good, and he’s estimated to weigh 1lb, 13oz right now. My cervix still looks good at 3.5cm. All in all, it was a very good appointment. I think I audibly exhaled as I left the building. I go back to see the peri in 5 weeks.
The “Right” Way To Be Pregnant October 9, 2006
I hit the 24 week mark yesterday. I love milestones. Now if I can just make it to 28.
I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around certain things right now and an even harder time of articulating them. I just wrote two versions of the same post and then deleted them.
I guess it comes down to my feelings about experiencing this pregnancy. I’m feeling some pressure from people in the “real world” to experience things in a more “normal” way. I know what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not. I need to feel confident that it’s ok for me to do things my way.
My “normal” is not most people’s “normal” and that’s just the way it is. I’m ok with that. I know that I’m experiencing things differently than if I hadn’t been down the multiple IVF cycle/miscarriage road, but I see the bright side of that.
Instead of focusing on the fact that I’m much more cautious and worried than I probably otherwise would have been, I realize that I appreciate this experience more, too. I treasure every kick, every milestone, every everything. I take nothing for granted. So what if I’m not one of those people who can go out and buy baby furniture at 12 weeks. I’m enjoying this in my own way.
I’m feeling the need for privacy these days, too. (Not from the internets, of course. I tell you guys all kinds of stuff.) But when you’re open about IVF with people, you basically have to be open about betas, ultrasounds, and the like as well. I guess people translate that into being open about all things pregnancy related. I’ve decided that I need for some of this to be just for Dan and myself.
So, even though I’ve been asked more times than I care to count if we’ve named the little guy yet, I’ve decided that that info will be just for the two of us for the duration. I’ve also decided that I will not be pressured into having a shower if I don’t feel comfortable having one. I reserve the right to change my mind, but right now I’m having some definite feelings on the issue. I also won’t be taking or sharing pictures if I don’t feel up to it. I will do things the way I feel comfortable doing them. Is that selfish? Yep. But I need to do this my way.
This may be the only time I get to experience this pregnancy stuff. I may not be doing it the “right” way or the “normal” way, but I’m ok with that. I’m loving every second I get to spend with the little guy in there, and to me, that’s the most important thing. I just don’t think I could regret not doing the typical pregnancy type things at the typical times when I’ve got that.
First Time for Everything October 5, 2006
I actually had an OB appointment today and didn’t beg for an ultrasound. It’s definitely a first. It’s not because I’m feeling any more secure, because I’m not. It’s just that I had one two weeks ago and I know that I’ll be having a detailed one done when I go back and see the peri next week.
My appointment was pretty uneventful without any ultrasound action. The things they did check were ok, though.
She said that she wanted me to come back in four weeks. Oh, how that makes me nervous. Thank goodness I have that peri appointment in a week. Plus, I know I can always call and go in before then if need be.
One thing that took me aback today happened when I was checking out. We have new insurance as a result of Dan changing jobs. It’s not nearly as good as our previous insurance, but I’ll take what I can get. They had worked up exactly how much I needed to pay including my deductible, office copays, and the doctor’s fee for delivery. Um, ok. The thing is, though, that they wanted me to pay it like now. What? I have no idea if this is common policy or not, but it makes me very uncomfortable.
It’s not about the money. It’s about the fact that they’re just assuming that things are just going to keep going on course. I tried to mutter out something about the fact that this had been a long road, and I just couldn’t assume that I’d be getting a baby out of it. I’m sure the receptionist thought I was nuts, but I don’t care.
Hell, I can’t think about preparing a nursery or anything like that. You think I can pay ahead for all of the office visits that I may or may not have? Don’t get me started on thinking about paying delivery costs.
So, I didn’t pay anything. I couldn’t. Maybe if I make it to my next scheduled appointment in four weeks. Maybe then. I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable with making assumptions that things are going to work out, though. It’s still hard to believe.
On Blogging October 2, 2006
I don’t ever think I could take this pregnancy for granted.
I don’t ever think I could forget what hell it took to get to this point.
I don’t ever think I could forget that other people are still living that hell right now.
I’ve been thinking about the whole pregnant infertile blogging thing lately. It’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am indeed pregnant, but it’s important for me to think about what that means to my blog.
I know that not everyone who read my blog while I was stuck in cycling hell reads it now. I understand. There were days when I could not bring myself to read blogs written by those who were knocked up when I was in the trenches.
I really hope that this blog will never turn into something that would have made me cringe when I was stuck in my professional IVF patient role. I would never want to make people hurt more than they already do.
There are reasons why I don’t post about certain things. I don’t post ultrasound pictures or belly pics (I’m not the kind to even take those in the first place). I didn’t talk about morning sickness while it was happening. You won’t hear me complaining about the fact that my stomach is covered in bruises from my Lovenox injections. Not only is it hard for me to really get that this is finally happening and thus is hard to blog about, but I just don’t feel right about posting stuff like that. I just don’t. I know this is my blog and I can post whatever I want, but that’s not what I want to focus on.
My battle scars run deep. The hurt has faded some, and I am less bitter now. Hell, I can even walk past a pregnant person without muttering “bitch” under my breath. Oh, yes. I really did that. What can I say? I was hurting badly.
The pain still lurks underneath the happiness. That is one reason why I blog the way I do. It’s also because I sit here and watch my friends feel that kind of pain, and it kills me. No one should ever have to be tortured that way. One of my friends is about to start her sixth fresh cycle. Another one of my friends is stuck in chemical hell after her fourth cycle. I wish I could do more than sit here and hope that the torture ends for both of them.
I guess my longwinded point is that this is why I blog the way I do. This is why I am who I am. I can’t forget what has happened to me or to my friends. Every time I see someone get a negative beta or experience a miscarriage or just get stuck as to how to proceed down the seemingly never ending road, I ache for them and am also reminded of what I went through.
I can finally admit out loud that I’m pregnant. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for that fact. Every day that I get to keep the little guy in there is another day that I give thanks for. I may vent from time to time or go off on tagents about who knows what, but that is what is at the core of how I feel right now. I can only hope that my blog reflects that.