On Blogging October 2, 2006
I don’t ever think I could take this pregnancy for granted.
I don’t ever think I could forget what hell it took to get to this point.
I don’t ever think I could forget that other people are still living that hell right now.
I’ve been thinking about the whole pregnant infertile blogging thing lately. It’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am indeed pregnant, but it’s important for me to think about what that means to my blog.
I know that not everyone who read my blog while I was stuck in cycling hell reads it now. I understand. There were days when I could not bring myself to read blogs written by those who were knocked up when I was in the trenches.
I really hope that this blog will never turn into something that would have made me cringe when I was stuck in my professional IVF patient role. I would never want to make people hurt more than they already do.
There are reasons why I don’t post about certain things. I don’t post ultrasound pictures or belly pics (I’m not the kind to even take those in the first place). I didn’t talk about morning sickness while it was happening. You won’t hear me complaining about the fact that my stomach is covered in bruises from my Lovenox injections. Not only is it hard for me to really get that this is finally happening and thus is hard to blog about, but I just don’t feel right about posting stuff like that. I just don’t. I know this is my blog and I can post whatever I want, but that’s not what I want to focus on.
My battle scars run deep. The hurt has faded some, and I am less bitter now. Hell, I can even walk past a pregnant person without muttering “bitch” under my breath. Oh, yes. I really did that. What can I say? I was hurting badly.
The pain still lurks underneath the happiness. That is one reason why I blog the way I do. It’s also because I sit here and watch my friends feel that kind of pain, and it kills me. No one should ever have to be tortured that way. One of my friends is about to start her sixth fresh cycle. Another one of my friends is stuck in chemical hell after her fourth cycle. I wish I could do more than sit here and hope that the torture ends for both of them.
I guess my longwinded point is that this is why I blog the way I do. This is why I am who I am. I can’t forget what has happened to me or to my friends. Every time I see someone get a negative beta or experience a miscarriage or just get stuck as to how to proceed down the seemingly never ending road, I ache for them and am also reminded of what I went through.
I can finally admit out loud that I’m pregnant. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for that fact. Every day that I get to keep the little guy in there is another day that I give thanks for. I may vent from time to time or go off on tagents about who knows what, but that is what is at the core of how I feel right now. I can only hope that my blog reflects that.
- Posted in : Post cycle #7: Trying to stay knocked up
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Amanda, nobody could ever doubt that your blog reflects that. It’s something I always try to be conscious of, too, over my way. I didn’t mean to be insensitive in my comment on your last entry, or to make it seem like I didn’t get you or get where you’re coming from. I do, and I pretty much knew that you’d never post a belly shot, even though I wish you would, because I guess I see it as a sign that, if only for a moment, you can believe that this is actually happening, and that the fear can be banished. (And believe me, I know about the fear.) I’ve been reading for nearly two years now, which I know is not even half the time you’ve been “dealing with this crap”. I just want you to know how incredibly happy I am for you that you are where you are right now. Write however you want, I’m still here.
…and that’s why I love to read the blog you write the way you write it. Thank you!!!
Ps: And what greater picture is there to post than the one of the pg banana. That made me the bitter infertile non-pregnant lady smile, which is such a rare thing around here. Thank you!
I love you.
It does. You are doing fine. And I don’t think you could be insensitive if you tried.
I think so much of this has to do with honesty and the investment in your story that you’ve accrued. I stumbled on your blog when you and I were in the aftermath of miscarriage at the same time–having experienced loss in the same week. It took your betas seemingly forever to go down. Mine, too. And so I found a companion voice in your blog and kept reading. But even when you got pregnant, and I was convinced I never would, I kept on reading still, because I knew you wouldn’t turn dishonest or hide away where you’d been to get here. Because I wanted to see how it is to move into pregnancy after loss through your perspective, and I trusted your voice, and I wanted to follow you. I happen to be early pregnant now, but that’s more coincidence than a real explanation about my presence as a reader. As long as you keep being honest, keep your sharp perspective and solid angle on the difficulties of all of this, I’ll be right here reading, regardless of where I am, because I trust where you are.
I respect that. And in the end, you gotta be true to you. You can never fail when you do that.
It definitely does. And I’m with Ms. Once — we all seem to have had a loss in about the same two week period. So you will always be my infertile sister — when you are joyfully, thankfully pregnant, and also when you’re grumpy and uncomfortable and God-when-will-this-bugger-come-out pregnant. It’s cool. And so great to watch.
I’m glad the hurt has faded some and you’re not muttering in public anymore!
You’re a nice person.
Amanda,
I think you’ve been incredibly sensitive to those of us out there who are still struggling. I know that you still probably identify more with all of us than you do with women who are pregnant in some respects. It’s got to be a strange feeling!
At one point, I had “met” some women on a message board who were also dealing with infertility/IVF and lived in my city. We moved over to a more private board and all got to really know one another….even met up for lunch/dinner every couple weeks. Well, 2 of them went on to get pregnant - one naturally and one with her first IVF (on top of that she already had 2 children so, yes, I was a little jealous)! The other adopted. And, then, there is me… still stuck in IVF limbo TTC #1 with decreasing hope. Anyway, one of them started posting pics of her HPT’s. It went from that to every single ultrasound pic., belly pics. etc. etc. I just tried my best to deal with it and be supportive and happy for her but what really surprised me was that all of them seemed oblivious to the fact that in order for me to go on there and post to them, I was forced to look at all these pics on days when I was not up to dealing with it. I was still dealing with the pain of infertility. We all sort of lost touch and stopped posting.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I really do appreciate how sensitive you are to those of us still stuck in hell. At the same time, this is your blog so you should be able to post what you’d like to. I feel a little bad if you’re always feeling like you have to sensor youself because I know this blog is your way of venting and what you are going through is still pretty darned stressful in many respects I am sure! There is another audience out there….other women who are pregnant after IVF who probably want details. I think those of us who have trouble reading blogs having to do with pregnancy know enough to avoid them on our bad days.
Even though you’ve had success, you are still an amazing source of support and hope to those of us who haven’t.
I heart you.
You aren’t insensitive at all! You need to celebrate and enjoy every moment that you have struggled so hard for! Enjoy and celebrate for all of us. You are one victory in a sea of battles that have been lost. Embrace and enjoy for all of us despite our bitterness and pain at times. That’s what we really and truly want.
If you want to honor and remember go here and please encourage support for this. It helps to know who’s out there….
http://greennumber.blogspot.com
You are sensitive and I thank you very much for that.
I came to your story late - at the beginning of this year and I’ve followed it (occasionally commenting) ever since. I was so happy for you when you got pregnant and it stuck and I am sorry that you’ve been robbed of the chance to enjoy it in the same way that so many people take for granted.
But your baby is on his way - that’s the most important thing and like all your readers I can’t wait to see your happy ending, although it’s true that I may not look at your blog on a bad day.
I think your sensitivity does you enormous credit and you wear your battle scars incredibly well.
Amanda, thank you for this post, it’s very helpful. I would have been ok with you writing about the lovenox, and the belly pics (well, on some days) but I’m not going to tell you to write about that stuff because rather than you protecting us - which is sweet but unecessary - it sounds as if you are looking after yourself and doing what works for you, and that sounds like the right thing to do.
Yeah, I’ve muttered “bitch” under my breath more than a few times. Being pregnant (really pregnant this time) puts us in a unique category. We’re happy, but yet still wait for the other shoe to drop (I do, anyway). I try to be very supportive of my friends who are still trying without coming across as patronizing. I’m not sure I’m always successful, but I feel more connected to those who have struggled than those for which pregnancy comes easily - I’m still a bit bitter and as awful as this may sound, feel they should have suffered a little bit, too.
Thank you Amanda, you are one in a million…… x You GET it……x