Lots of Updates on the Little Guy Front December 27, 2006
Where to begin. I guess I’ll start with today and work backwards. I had another non-stress test this morning followed by an OB appointment. The little guy passed the NST with flying colors, so that was a relief. The monitor also picked up a couple of contractions about 10 minutes apart. I thought that might happen since I started really noticing them yesterday.
My OB appointment went fine, too. I wasn’t exactly sure if the whole contraction thing was a good thing or bad, but my OB said it was good. I guess my body is starting to warm up a bit. It looks like my fundal height measurement has peaked at 32 weeks. She said that’s nothing to worry about, though, since we know the little guy is growing well, and it’s probably just due to my petite nature.
I had my Group B Strep test done today along with my first internal. The little guy’s head is low and my cervix is 70% effaced, but it’s still closed tight. This is to be expected since I’ve got the wonky cervix filled with scar tissue to contend with. There’s no telling what that darn thing is going to decide to do.
I go back for another NST followed by another OB appt next Wednesday.
I’ve really been trying to get things done considering the fact that we’ve got about 2.5 weeks left give or take. (I’m 35.5 now with plans to induce around 38.) I had an interview with a pediatrician last Thursday. I wish I could say I really liked him, but I didn’t so the search continues. I’m hoping to find someone whose philosophies on important issues are in at least in the same ballpark as ours. Finding someone who doesn’t make me feel like taking five minutes of his time is an imposition would be great, too. I have another consult scheduled with pediatrician prospect #2 on Friday.
We’ve also been continuing along with our hospital classes. We took the breastfeeding class on the 16th and have the infant CPR/first aid class on Saturday. Last up will be the infant care class on the 6th.
Dan and I had a nice low key Christmas and used a lot of the time to get things ready around the house. Now you can hear me walking around this place muttering things like, “What the hell is a baby swing doing in the middle of our living room?” It’s so surreal. We got the swing, bouncer, co-sleeper, and crib all assembled, and we got the car seat installed. It is so freaking weird to be driving around in my car with a car seat base in the back seat.
I really am trying to keep myself busy with the preparations, because the alternative is to let my mind go to not so nice places. I told my OB today that I’m still very afraid that my body is going to decide to kill the little guy before he’s out. I can’t help but think it. It’s just that after everything, I have little faith in my body. Two and a half weeks seems like such a short time, but on the other hand it seems like an eternity. I’m definitely not sick of being pregnant. I just want to know that he’s safe.
Christmas Wishes December 25, 2006
There are lots of things swirling around in my head right now that I could have blogged about today. However, there’s one thought that keeps coming back to me.
I know how hard the holidays can be when you’re infertile. The past few Christmases have been extremely hard for me to get through. This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t cried sad tears this time of year, and I so wish that the holiday season, and today in particular for many people, didn’t have to be so heartbreaking.
So, my wish this Christmas is that if you’re still in the trenches, whether it be that you’re dealing with the aftermath of another failed cycle, or popping pills and shooting up in anticipation of starting a new one, or waiting for a referral, or just waiting to figure out what comes next, that this is the last holiday season that you have to spend in that place. I wish for that so much.
Stress and Non-Stress December 20, 2006
Throughout this pregnancy my anxiety levels have ebbed and flowed. They’ve been flowing pretty good lately thus the lack of posting. I think now that we’re getting so close that the fears about not actually leaving the hospital with a take home baby are peaking. Even after coming this far I still feel like we could lose it all in a second.
I’m feeling a bit better today after my first non-stress test, though. The little guy passed just fine, so that helps me breath a little more easily.
They really should schedule those things in the evening. The little guy much prefers to move around a lot at night, and he showed his opposition to having the test done this morning by refusing to wake up for a good bit it. The nurse gave me some juice to get him going but eventually had to resort to using the buzzer. Man, he did not like that one bit and promptly woke up. He moved around just fine with appropriate heart accelerations from there on out.
I think the juice buzz finally hit me when I was leaving the parking lot. I managed to let my parking ticket fly out of my hand when I stopped to pay at the booth. Of course I had to get out of the car and go chase the darn thing down so I could pay. I think the parking attendant felt sorry for me after that, because he gave me a piece of chocolate with my receipt. How nice is that?
So, hopefully I’ll manage to chill out for a bit now. I’ll keep having the non-stress tests done once a week for the duration. I’m hoping between that and my upcoming OB and peri appointments I can keep myself from freaking out too much.
Birthday Wishes December 14, 2006
Someone I know and love is celebrating a big birthday today. It’s Dan’s 30th.
I really hope he has a good birthday. He so deserves it. He’s such a great husband, and he has been such a wonderful partner throughout all of this pregnancy stuff. That actually comes as no surprise since he’s always been a fabulous partner through everything including all of the ups and downs that came along with infertility and IVF.
I still hate that Thanksgiving sucked, but I have to say that it warmed my heart to watch Dan stick up for me 110%. It’s not like I doubted that he would, but even thinking about it now just makes my heart swell. He’s definitely a keeper, that one.
I can’t wait for him to be a dad, and I’m so very thankful that instead of another sad birthday spent mourning the latest failed cycle or loss that this year we can look forward to the future. This morning Dan told me that he dreamt of the little guy last night, that he was here and we were a family. I so hope his birthday dream comes true.
Happy Birthday, honey!!! I love you so very much.
Update from OB Land December 13, 2006
I had another OB appointment today. For some reason today was the day they decided to skip over me after misplacing my chart, so I was there a good while. The billing lady didn’t accost me today, though, so that made up for it.
Things looked pretty good including my blood pressure and the little guy’s heart rate. I’m still measuring a week and a half behind in my fundal height measurement, but my OB thinks it’s just due to my small frame. We know he’s growing well in there, so she’s not concerned. I did manage to catch up on my weight gain since last time, so that was good.
One thing I forgot to mention in my peri appointment post on Monday was that the peri recommended that I get weekly non stress tests starting in the 34th week, so I got those scheduled through my OB’s office today. They’ll be done at the hospital, and I start them a week from today.
So, all in all a pretty routine appointment. I’ll gladly take routine any day.
Little Guy Update December 11, 2006
Dan and I attended our first hospital class on Saturday. It was the all day childbirth preparation one. It was definitely a surreal experience.
The one part that sticks in my mind the most happened when we were doing a relaxation exercise. I was lying on my side while Dan massaged my back (that was worth the price of admission right there) while the instructor talked through some relaxation stuff. She told the class to imagine what our babies looked like, to visualize their toes and fingers, etc. Even though I was lying there with my eyes shut, I couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my cheeks.
I had not allowed myself to picture the little guy before then. Sure, I’ve seen him on ultrasound, but that always feels like I’m watching a TV program. I hadn’t allowed myself to actually picture him in my mind before that moment.
In addition to the instruction we also toured the hospital. I thought all of that would help things sink in some. However, even when I was standing there staring through a nursery window at babies who were literally only a few hours old, I could not connect that with what was going on in my belly. I just couldn’t.
It’s not that I’m not excited about meeting the little guy. It’s just that I can’t believe that we could actually get a happy ending like that. Oh, how I want it so much, though.
We still have three more hospital classes to go. Breastfeeding is this coming weekend. Hopefully they’ll help prepare us, but I don’t think they’re going to really make the situation sink in. I guess that’s what delivery day is for, right?
On a slightly different note, I had another appointment with the peri today. Things looked good in there, and the little guy is estimated to weigh 4 lbs, 13 oz. Cervix, placenta, and fluid level looked good, and his echogenic focus was completely gone. He had even turned head down since last time.
The peri is going to make his final recommendation on a delivery date at my next appointment in 4 weeks (which will put me at just over 37 weeks) but we did discuss it some today. From what he said today, it looks like he’ll be recommending an earlier induction than my OB, more like 38 weeks than 39. So….um….that would mean that the little guy could be here in 5 weeks or less. (knock on wood) Holy crap.
A Broken Heart and an Empty Lap December 8, 2006
I miss her so much. I know it will get better with time, but oh how I wish so much that she was still here.
The box of her fluids that was delivered two days after she died is still sitting unopened by the front door. I don’t know what to do with it.
All of her “babies” are still right where she left them. They look like stuffed cat toys to the rest of the world, but to her they were her babies. She used to carry them from room to room throughout the day, into the living room when she was out here and back to the bedroom for night time. At the end she was too sick to care for them, but I know how special they were to her. Yesterday I bought a special box in which to store them, but I can’t bring myself to put them up yet.
I just feel so lonely without her. She always kept me company during the day while Dan was at work. I never had to worry about having an empty lap. My lap just feels so empty now.
She was my lap kitty from the very start. My mom picked her out from the animal shelter 15 years ago intending for Muffy to be her cat. That didn’t last long at all. Muffy and I immediately hit it off and that was that. My parents have a picture taken right after we got her of her sitting on my lap. She was so teeny tiny then. I know I’ll always treasure that picture.
I take comfort in the fact that she lived a good life, but it’s still so hard to grieve the fact that she’s gone. I know it’s a process, a slow one at that. And I know that some days are bound to be harder than others. I’m holding onto the fact that it will get easier over time, but it’s just impossible for my heart not to ache right now when it’s still in pieces.
There Appears to be a Crib in Our House December 4, 2006
What the heck? At least it’s still in the box so it can only freak me out so much. Yep, our furniture that we ordered for the little guy was delivered today. I hit the 32 week mark yesterday, but it still seems crazy for there to be a crib in our house.
I don’t know if the whole nesting thing is kicking in or if I’m just using retail therapy as a way to deal with heartache, but I have to admit that I’ve been buying/ordering quite a few things for the little guy recently. Dan and I even went out and bought a car seat yesterday. An actual car seat, holy crap.
It’s all still very surreal, but in a good way. I keep thinking that maybe one day all of this will really sink in. You would think that having actual baby related gear in my house would help, but it still doesn’t feel real. I guess it doesn’t really have to, though, because I’m enjoying and appreciating every second I get to live this dream.