Flying Solo January 31, 2007
Dan went back to work on Monday thus the lack of posting. Of course this coincided with Adam going on a growth spurt turning him into a cluster feeding madman. It’s definitely an adjustment.
Breastfeeding is getting a little easier. I was encouraged after Adam had his two week well visit last Friday. At birth he weighed 6 lbs, 10 oz. When he was discharged from the hospital, he was 6 lbs, 4 oz. At his doctor’s appointment when he was 5 days old, he was down to 6 lbs, 2 oz. All normal, of course, but it’s hard when breastfeeding is challenging, and you don’t know how much he’s really getting. Well, at his Friday appointment, at 16 days of age, he was up to 7 lbs, 3oz. At least we know my boobs are working to at least some extent.
Adam is 3 weeks old today, and it’s pretty amazing to me how much he’s changed already. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but it seems like he just woke up right around his due date. That was this past weekend. Before then he was a sleepy, sleepy baby who had to be woken up for feedings. Now he’s awake a lot more, and eats pretty darn frequently.
We’re still very much trying to figure out the sleeping thing. I think we’re on our fifth sleeping arrangement now. It’s all a learning process, I know, and it is getting a little bit better as we make our way along.
I’m pretty much operating on a “whatever works” policy as I adjust into my new stay at home mom role. Shite, I still can’t believe I’m his mom. Crazy. Anyway, we’re doing ok trying to figure this stuff out together. It’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Things I’ve Learned in the Past Two Weeks January 25, 2007
It’s hard to believe that as of last night Adam has been with us for two weeks. It’s definitely not been an easy couple of weeks, but we’re doing a bit better every day. It’s taking time to figure out what the heck we’re doing, but that’s to be expected. So far I’ve learned that…
1. Even though I had countless blood draws throughout all of the IVF stuff without flinching an inch, it makes me physically ill to watch Adam get them. My reactions have ranged from physically shuddering to turning white as a ghost. He had a bunch of heel sticks because of the jaundice issue, but as of a week ago he’s officially done with the bili blanket. I’m glad that’s behind us.
2. Dan is an amazing dad. I knew he would be, but it is so awesome watching him interact with our little man. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through the past two weeks without him. He goes back to work on Monday, and I’m so not looking forward to that.
3. The physical recovery is both easier and harder than I expected. My body is recovering fine. I didn’t have any tear or episiotomy issues to deal with so that helped. Plus, I managed to lose 17 of the 28 pounds I gained while pregnant in the first week and a half. However, the hormone crash has been really hard to deal with. Like everything else, though, it’s getting a little bit better as time passes.
4. Breastfeeding is hard. It’s getting better, but it’s not an easy thing. I think I’ve gotten through most of my “I can’t do this anymore” moments so I consider that an accomplishment in itself.
5. The My Best Friend pillow kicks the Boppy’s ass for breastfeeding. I was having so much trouble getting a good position for both me and Adam with the Boppy, so I ordered the other one. Ah, it makes such a difference.
6. Slings rock. I wore Adam in the sling for the first time today and immediately my mood changed. It’s wonderful to be able to get up, walk around, and get a few things done while still having the little guy right up next to me.
7. Being able to get even a few minutes of fresh air can make a huge difference. It’s been so cold and rainy here the past two weeks that we haven’t been able to leave the house except for doctor’s appointments. Today it finally warmed up some and the sun came out, so we were able to take our first walk around the neighborhood. So nice.
8. I love being a mom. Sometimes I still can’t believe it, but it’s even more than I thought it would be.
The Power of a Song January 22, 2007
Last night during one of our overnight feeding and changing sessions, Dan turned on some music. He has a ton of music on the computer, and he had it set to play in shuffle mode. The first song that came up was a Sarah McLaughlin song off of an album that I also have on my iPod.
That particular song and that particular album have a special meaning for me. It is one of my go-to albums when I need a calming influence. I listened to it during the prep for the retrieval that produced the egg that created Adam. I listened to it during my transfer for that last FET that included the embryo that ended up being Adam. I listened to it while waiting for many of my appointments while pregnant with Adam. And we even listened to it on the way to the hospital to deliver Adam.
As I sat there, breastfeeding our little man while listening to the music that has come to symbolize the soundtrack of the creation of him, everything came full circle for me. I have to admit that everything isn’t easy right now. I never expected it to be. However, in that moment, the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding difficulties, and hormone crashes seemed insignificant. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how special that moment truly was.
My Little Glow-Worm January 16, 2007
Adam had his first pediatrician appointment yesterday. (I know I neglected to blog about it, but I ended up finding a good ped.) Adam was born with a large contusion on the sole of his foot (which no one could figure out the cause of) that put him at an increased risk of jaundice. They did a 36 hour bilirubin test at the hospital, and his pediatrician wanted to follow up on that yesterday.
He’s been looking pretty yellow, and with one look at him, the pediatrician warned us that if his bilirubin level came back over 20 then he’d have to be hospitalized. Of course, the thought of that did not sit with me well at all.
We had to go over to the hospital in order to get a stat level bilirubin level run. After waiting in admitting for a year and a half then getting his test done and then waiting an hour for the results (the ped didn’t want us going back home in case Adam needed to be admitted) we were pretty much at our wit’s end. Adam was fantastic throughout it all, though.
We finally got the results back, and his bilirubin level was at 18.2. That is high and does means he has jaundice, but at least it meant that we could do what needed to be done at home. We got a phototherapy blanket and have to keep it on him 24/7 until his levels drop. He has to have his levels tested daily until then. While the phototherapy stuff isn’t exactly fun to deal with, I’m just glad to do whatever it takes to keep him home.
Adam is being a trooper. He’s got some neon green lights hooked onto his back at all times making him to appear very much glow- worm-like, but he’s hanging in there just fine.
He’s such an amazing little guy. It’s still a bit surreal to me to be sitting here typing with one hand while I hold my son with the other, but I’m absolutely loving every minute of it. I can’t tell you how many times Dan or I have turned to the other and said how much he was worth the wait. My little glow-worm most surely was.
ETA: I just remembered that Dan took a picture of glowing Adam yesterday.
We’re Home January 13, 2007
Oh, I barely know where to begin. Thank you all so much for all of your good wishes and congratulations.
I guess I should start from Wednesday morning. We arrived at the hospital at 7am and was hooked up to the monitors shortly thereafter. I was 80% effaced and 1cm dilated and having contractions 5 minutes apart.
The nurse started Pitocin at 8:15 and the OB broke my water at 8:50. Then I learned what contractions were truly like. I got my epidural at 9:45 and waited for progress. By noon I had made it to 4cm and to 6cm by 4:15. They inserted an internal monitor at 4:30 to make sure the contractions were strong enough, and they were. My OB checked me 6:45 and declared me ready to push.
The contractions were coming every two minutes, and I pushed through all but maybe one or two of them for the next 3 hours. My epidural decided it wanted to run out at the end when I desperately needed it the most. That’s when the tears started flowing, not only because of the pain but because I was so scared that he wasn’t going to be ok when he came out.
At 9:44pm, I finally managed to push the little guy out, and then my worst nightmare occurred. Instead of hearing beautiful cries, I watched on as the doctors and nurses rushed my little boy over to another part of the room to start bagging him. He wasn’t breathing at all. They called the neonatal team who then took him out of the room to work on him so more. All the while I am freaking the hell out, I mean truly freaking out.
Thankfully they got him going and allowed Dan to go see him. When they were done working on me, they brought him back into the room so I could hold him. His little hands were still blue, but he was breathing on his own. I found out that his one minute Apgar score was 4, but that his 5 minute score was 9.
Dan, Adam, and I hung out together in the room for about an hour in a half. I don’t think I ever really stopped crying, but my tears turned to tears of joy. Holding him for the first time was truly a dream come true.
They then took him to the transitional nursery for a little while to observe him and give him a bath, etc. While there he decided to give everyone another scare by dropping his oxygen saturation level to 30% and turning blue. That bought him an overnight stay in the Level II NICU for observation. They let us visit for a few minutes at 4:30am and again for a bit at 6am. That’s the first time I got him to really latch on and breastfeed. He had been through too much at delivery to really be interested any earlier.
He got released from the NICU at 8am on Thursday and brought again to the transitional nursery where he was released to our room around 9:00. From then until we were discharged from the hospital last night, he stayed with us and maintained his breathing just fine.
Last night was a long one. We’re all learning together, and learning on very little sleep. Oh, but it’s so worth it, though. All of it, every second of the long road that led us here. He’s just perfect, and I am absolutely, without a doubt, in love.
Adam Daniel
Born 1/10/07 at 9:44pm
6 pounds, 10 ounces
19″ long
The Stork Has Landed January 11, 2007
The big day has finally arrived! Adam Daniel was born last night at 9:44 pm. He weighs 6 pounds, 10 ounces, and is 19 inches long. He gave us quite a scare by being reluctant to start breathing after being born, but he got going after a bit of stimulation. He also had some trouble maintaining his breathing in the transition nursery, and so he spent the night in the Level II NICU under observation. He did a great job overnight, though, and we spent some time with him there at 4:30 and again at 6:00 this morning. He is now in the room with us and doing great, although very sleepy after all that hard work.
Today’s the Day January 10, 2007
I rightly assumed that today wouldn’t be a day that I could sleep until the alarm went off even though it’s set for the crack of dawn. I can’t believe today is finally here. It seems like it took forever to get here, yet it feels like it flew by at the same time.
I’m nervous. When Dan and I were getting ready for bed last night I couldn’t even talk about today. Dan would start saying something, and I’d have to cut him off. It’s just too huge, and unfortunately that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop just won’t leave me the hell alone.
As I laid in bed this morning, knowing that I wouldn’t be falling back to sleep, I thought of all of your comments to my last post. Thank you so very much for all of that support. I think of the combined strength of everyone who left a kind word, because I know that behind each name, each email address, and each url is a story of strength, no matter what you’re dealing with currently. Thinking of that reminded me of my own strength, the strength it took to get to this point in the first place. I will be drawing on that today for sure, so thank you.
Well, there goes the alarm. I’m off to get ready for what I hope will be a day (or two) that will lead not to an ending but rather a beautiful beginning.
Still on for Wednesday January 8, 2007
I had my last appointments with both the peri and my OB this afternoon. First up was my ultrasound with the peri. Things looked good with the little guy, and he’s estimated to weigh 6lbs, 12ozs. The peri was totally on board with the Wednesday induction plan.
Then it was on to see the OB. As promised, today was the day that she dealt with my wonky cervix. Let’s just say that it was a not so pleasant reminder of why 6 of 7 of my embryo transfers were done under anesthesia (and why the first one was utter hell). She manually broke through the scar tissue in my cervix, and I have no doubt that everyone in the office heard my response. There was no way I was getting through that without yelling some choice profanities. She said that lovely experience is actually supposed to be more painful than labor. I guess we shall see.
The good news is that she did manage to get the scar tissue broken up, and as a result could get through my entire twisty turny cervix. She said that doing that should shave 12 hours off of what my labor would have been otherwise. Now the contractions that I’m having will actually be able to make some progress on the dilation front in addition to the effacement front.
So, I’m all set to check into the hospital on Wednesday morning. Now that my cervix has been dealt with I’ll be starting straight with the Pitocin when I get there. Tonight I’ll do my very last Lovenox injection so that it will be done about 36 hours before the induction starts. Who knows how long the induction will actually take, but just in case anyone is curious, Dan will be updating my blog when the time comes.
I don’t really know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions flowing through my body. I know without a doubt that I am so incredibly grateful to be where I am right now. I still can’t believe our 7th and final cycle worked, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the little guy is almost here. It’s so surreal.
This pregnancy has been a wonderful experience and has enabled me to relearn what it feels like to be happy. I worried throughout the IVF stuff that I was building up the pregnancy experience in my mind as a way to make myself keep going. I have to say that it’s been even better than I could have imagined. I will admit that my history has brought a lot of anxiety to the experience, but it has also brought so much appreciation and perspective to it.
I wish I could say that I’m not still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I never thought that would be possible anyway. It’s been too long of a road for that. The anxiety is tempered with excitement and anticipation, though, and that’s all I can really ask for.
So, two more days. Five years of waiting comes down to two days. I still can’t believe it.
Offically in the Home Stretch January 3, 2007
I have to admit that my anxiety levels have been peaking the past couple of days. I just cannot stop worrying that something’s going to happen to the little guy. We’re so close, but the thought of losing him at the last second stays with me.
Thankfully I had another non-stress test and OB appointment today. Waiting a week between appointments feels very similar to waiting a week between those early ultrasounds. I do fine for the first few days afterwards, but I start to lose it in the last couple of days of the wait. Hey, I’ve never claimed to be a patient person.
The little guy passed today’s non-stress test with no problems whatsoever. The monitor picked up a few contractions as well which is no surprise given that they’re a daily occurrence around here these days.
Then I headed over to my OB’s office for my appointment there. My cervix is still closed, but it’s now 80% effaced and the little guy’s head is very low. After checking out the goings on of cervix land, my OB and I discussed induction plans. She let me know of possible things that could happen as a result of the little guy coming a little early, but we both agreed that it’s a good idea to get him out and safe.
So, the plan as of right now is to induce on the 10th, a week from today, which would put me at 37.5 weeks. It’s a tentative plan based on how my ultrasound appointment with the peri goes on Monday. If the peri suggests waiting a little bit longer, we will, but right now I’m scheduled into the hospital for next Wednesday. I honestly don’t think he’ll recommend waiting any longer based on what he said at my last appointment, but I guess you never know what will show up on ultrasound.
So, ummmmm, a week. One week. 7 days. Holy crap!
It’s a good thing, though. The last thing I could handle is my body doing something to screw this up in the home stretch. I honestly don’t think I’ve wrapped my brain around the possibility of having an actual baby and becoming a mom, but I do know that every time I think about the possibility of losing him, I freak out.
So, there’s the plan. I’ve always done better with a plan in place. I just hope this one works out. It’s just way too important to screw up.
What a Difference a Year (or Two or Three) Can Make January 1, 2007
I just went and read through my last posts of 2004 and 2005. It’s not like I don’t remember, but reading it brings it back to the forefront.
We’ve had some tough years. We started trying to conceive at the end of 2001. Dan got his azoospermia diagnosis towards the end of 2003. 2004 was spent with a ton of testing on Dan’s part, some on mine, two surgeries for him, and IVF #1 and FET #1.
2005 brought IVF #2 and my first chemical, FET #2, IVF #3 and the miscarriage that followed, as well as the passing of our sweet kitty, Dixie.
Then came 2006. We started the year off with IVF #4 in January and ended up with another chemical. Thankfully we had some to freeze and spent April and May doing FET #3.
And then, somehow, our luck changed. I’ll never understand it. Not in a million years, but it did. After some concerning non doubling betas, we got to the part that we never had before, a heartbeat. I continued to be scared ultrasound after ultrasound, but somehow they all managed to go well.
Then at the end of July we bought our first house, a definite milestone for 11 year veteran apartment dwellers. A couple of weeks later we moved back to Houston from our one year jaunt over to Lafayette.
2006 wasn’t all smooth sailing. Our Level II brought some concerning news at the end of August. (Thankfully most of it has now been resolved.) Then we lost our sweet kitty, Muffy, at the end of November to renal failure.
December was spent in an attempt to prepare for the little guy’s arrival. Yesterday, the last day of 2006, marked 36 weeks of this pregnancy. It was definitely a nice way to bring in the new year.
This pregnancy made 2006 an unbelievable year. I never thought it would happen. Throughout every episode of anxiety, every second of disbelief, I have truly enjoyed this experience. Now I sit here at the beginning of another year anxiously awaiting the little guy’s arrival. We’ve only got two weeks left, give or take a little bit.
I honestly don’t think I would have been able to appreciate this experience as nearly as much as I have if we hadn’t gone through all of that other crap to get here. It sucked beyond belief to have to go through, and I hate so much that other people are going through that kind of hell right this very minute, but I have no doubt that it changed my outlook on things.
I am still incredibly nervous that something will happen in the next couple of weeks to make my dream turn into another nightmare, but I’m hoping with all of my heart that 2007 brings with it a safe entrance into this world for the little guy. That would truly be a dream come true and would make the long journey more than worth every second of it.