6 Weeks February 22, 2007
Adam turned 6 weeks old yesterday. He’s already changing in so many ways. He’s now making eye contact which I just love. I could just gaze into those big eyes of his forever. He’s been smiling for a while now, but he’s doing it more frequently and in a bigger fashion these days. It’s so cute. He’s also been staying awake for longer portions of the day, and is so much more attentive and interactive now.
Things are getting a little bit easier. He’s still sleeping short stretches at night, so I’m not getting any more sleep, but I think my body is getting used to it to some degree. I’ve even managed to go several days in a row without shedding a single tear of frustration.
Breastfeeding still isn’t an easy thing for me, but we are making progress. Making it to 6 weeks was a huge goal for me, and I’m proud to have made it to this point. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to. My next goal is making it to the 2 month mark.
I still have an issue that’s driving me bonkers with regards to breastfeeding, though. I have a very persistent, and quite painful, milk blister. It tends to bring me back to the feelings of the first few weeks when the nipple soreness would leave me cringing while uttering a few choice words. I think if I could just get rid of the darn thing, I would feel better about breastfeeding in general. So, if anyone has any “been there, done that” tips, I’d greatly appreciate them.
I’ve continued with the dairy free diet, and it’s definitely helping. It’s so much easier when Adam’s not crying or pulling away while feeding. I did have a slight slip up this past weekend when I thought it might be ok to consume a cupcake and a dinner with questionable dairy status, and the results weren’t pretty. The fussy baby who didn’t like to feed came back for a visit, but we’re back on track now.
I’ve started pumping a little bit now, too, in hopes of being able to let Dan take an overnight feed or two during the weekends when he doesn’t have to get up early for work the next day. I also pumped and gave Adam some expressed milk by bottle the other day just so I could have a mini break. I found that to be helpful, too.
I tend to find it difficult to fit in pumping given that Adam eats so frequently, but I’ve managed to do it a few times now. I’m only getting 2 ounces total per pumping session with the manual pump, and that’s not enough for one feed. I’m wondering if buying an electric pump might help, but I’m not sure.
So things overall are getting a bit easier, but I still have my moments, like yesterday when the thought of trying to make the trip into the city for my 6 week postpartum checkup left me so anxious that I called and rescheduled. It was just too much to contemplate the 80 minute round trip drive, plus the long wait in the waiting room, all while trying to figure out the whole feeding thing that I just didn’t feel I could do it. I rescheduled for a first thing in the morning appointment when Dan can come along with us.
I guess it’s just going to take a while before I feel confident about motherhood in general, along with all of the specific things that I find challenging like breastfeeding. We’re making progress, though, and that feels good.
A Bit of Perspective February 16, 2007
I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful these days. I’m having a tough time, but boy am I so very thankful that we finally have Adam. I know that a year or two ago I would have killed for these challenges. I haven’t forgetten what it took to get here. So, while I may need to vent from time to time, I’m not complaining.
Things aren’t easy right now, but dealing with infertility and IVF was much harder. I now have what I waited for five years for. Honestly, it’s more challenging than I imagined, but oh so very worth it.
Instead of whining today, I’m just going to post the latest pics of our cutie pie. The tough times don’t seem quite as tough when I look at that little face.
Roller Coaster Days February 15, 2007
I’ve thought about posting several times since my last post, and it’s amazing to me how different the topic and/or tone would have been each different time had I actually gotten around to sit down and type something out. Things can go from easy to hard and back again at a moment’s notice. It’s not uncommon for me to start the day with a good attitude and a smile on my face and end up in tears later on. Heck, it’s not uncommon for the opposite to happen, too.
Breastfeeding is still kicking my ass. I’m determined to stick it out, but sometimes I just don’t know if I have it in me. I have to keep reminding myself that no where does it say that I have to love, or even like, it. I’m doing this for him. That’s what’s important. I know my sanity is important, too, but I really want to do this for him. This is my one chance. I want to make breastfeeding work for the long haul.
There have been some improvements. I decided to cut out all dairy from my diet to see if that helped any. Today is day number 11 of the no dairy diet, and I think it’s helping. The pulling away from the breast and screaming while feeding episodes have virtually been eliminated. It’s quite challenging going dairy free. I mean, that stuff is in everything, but it’s worth it if it helps.
I really think the sleep deprivation is compounding the issue. I’m one of those people who needs a good amount of quality sleep to function, and it’s just not happening. Sleeping for 2 hours or less at a time is making me a bit of a cranky pants.
I keep listening hard to all of the voices that say that things will get easier. Adam’s just over 5 weeks old, and I know that we may have a ways to go before they truly do. A girl can hope, though. Honestly, my main goal right now is to just make it to the stage where I can go more than a day or two without breaking down in tears.
It’s most definitely not all frustrating, though. I can just stare at that cute little face forever. And no matter how discouraged I get, that makes it all more than worth it.
Has It Been a Month Already? February 10, 2007
Adam turned one month old today. It’s a bit hard for me to believe.
Things have been going a bit better the past few days. The frequency of hard feeds has decreased, and that’s done wonders for both Adam’s and my frustration levels.
I am just so in love with our little guy, and he brings me unmeasurable joy. It’s amazing to watch how much he’s changed in a month’s time. He’s an incredible little man.
You know, I often wondered while we were in the midst of all of the IVF stuff why it just didn’t work the first time or second time or heck, even the sixth time. I couldn’t understand why we were dealt the multiple failed cycle hand or why we had to face multiple losses along the way. Well, I get it now. If we didn’t go through all of that then we wouldn’t have Adam. He’s the one we were waiting for all of that time. It had to be him.
Exactly When Does It Get Easier? February 6, 2007
I’m having a hard times these days. I feel like I’ve hit a wall, a big unscalable wall.
I don’t know exactly what’s going on with Adam and breastfeeding, but it’s rough. He cries, grunts, pops off the boob, and just generally seems like he’s not enjoying the experience one bit. I don’t know if it’s reflux, a food allergy or sensitivity, strong letdown, or just his version of normal. I just know that when he cries, I cry. We’re both beyond frustrated at this point.
I really am determined to stick with it, but it’s hard. That combined with the fact that I’m struggling to get enough sleep to function at least somewhat makes for some crazy times around here. The “nap when he naps” thing isn’t working for me for numerous reasons, so I’m left with what fractured sleep I can get at night.
It’s so much harder now that Dan is back at work. He works pretty long hours, so by the time he gets home at night, I’m ready to crash. The weekends are better, but they don’t seem to come around often enough.
I love this little guy so much. I hate that I can’t seem to do enough or be enough for him. I just want to be able to feed him and comfort him. The truth of the matter is that while I’d very much like for things to get easier for me, what I really want is for things to get easier for him.