Forever Changed March 24, 2007
Yesterday Dan was adding photos of the three of us to an online family tree. Granted he didn’t have a ton of choices when selecting what picture to use for me given the fact that I can’t stand to have my picture taken, but when I looked at the picture he had uploaded, my first question was, “Does that even look like me anymore?”
It’s not like I’ve changed a ton physically. Hell, I still look very much like I did in high school. So, I wondered why that question had popped into my head. Early this morning it hit me. I’ve changed so much since that picture was taken, not on the outside but on the inside.
I went back and looked at the date it was taken: March 2005. We had “only” done three cycles at that point. I had “only” had a chemical. The miscarriage and four more cycles were yet to come. I realized looking at that picture how much IVF and our losses really have changed me forever.
That girl in the picture looks so innocent. She wasn’t, of course, but she looks that way.
On the flip side, a more positive side, I realize the other reason I don’t totally recognize myself in that picture is because Adam was just a hope and a dream then. As much as IVF has shaped who I am now, motherhood, even the short stint I’ve been fortunate enough to experience thus far, has changed me, too. Even though I couldn’t truly believe that we would eventually have a child through IVF, I can’t even imagine myself without Adam in my life now.
I think I’m going to have to face the camera and take a new picture. That girl in the photo really isn’t me anymore.
My Sensitive Little Man March 19, 2007
A lot of breastfeeding books and websites tell you that you don’t have to worry about what you eat while breastfeeding. I guess Adam didn’t get around to reading those, because he’s got one heck of a sensitive system. I’m still on a completely dairy free diet, and that’s helping a ton, but he still has trouble every now and then.
He’s having a tough day today, displaying all of his typical food sensitivity symptoms: lots of poop, tons and tons of spit up, major fussiness, congestion, and trouble sleeping. Adam’s not really a major crier, but that changes when he’s having sensitivity issues. It’s hard to see him uncomfortable.
What’s even more frustrating than having to be very careful about what I eat is watching him react to something even when I’m being that careful. It’s challenging to go back and try and figure out exactly what he’s reacting to. The one saving grace is that his reactions are fairly short lived once I stop eating the offending item. In a couple of days he’s usually back to his old self.
I’m still determined to keep at the breastfeeding stuff even given this issue. I don’t think I could could convince him to give up the boob at this point even if I wanted to. He’s most definitely a boob man.
Otherwise, he’s doing really well. I look at him and constantly think to myself how damn lucky I am. I really, really am.
2 Months March 10, 2007
Adam turns two months old today. It’s pretty hard to believe. Yesterday he had his check up at the pediatrician’s office, and things went well. He’s growing like a weed and is up to 11 lbs, 11 oz and 23 1/8th” long. That puts him at the 50th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. Not too shabby.
It’s amazing to see how much he’s been changing. He likes to hold onto things more now (like my hair!) and he’s becoming quite the professional smiler. Dan even managed to catch one with the camera the other day.
I’m enjoying the heck out of him. He truly does make my heart smile. Now if he would just decide to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time…
You Were Right March 5, 2007
Everyone said breastfeeding would get easier, and I’m happy to report that it has. Gone are the days when I seriously had to will myself to make it through one more day. Gone are the days when I cursed at simply the thought of doing it one more time. I don’t hate breastfeeding anymore, and it is such a relief.
I went ahead and bought an electric pump, and I think it was a wise investment. I only plan to use it a couple of times a week, but it makes a huge difference over the manual one I was using before. I used it yesterday and the day before and got four ounces each time, double what I was getting from the manual pump. Now I can pump and leave expressed milk with Dan and not feel like I have a ticker attached to me when I go out and run an errand or two.
We did try to have Dan take an overnight feed, but that didn’t work so well. I’m always the first to wake when Adam stirs, so it’s not like it meant any more sleep for me since I couldn’t go back to sleep while they were up. Plus, my boobs did not like skipping a feed one bit. It works much better for me to pump during the day when it means I don’t have to skip a session, so I think that’s what we’ll stick with.
It really is amazing how differently I feel about it all now. I knew it would just take time and practice, and that’s just what it took. I’ve still got the milk blister issue to contend with, but even that is starting to get better now. I’m still sticking with the dairy-free diet, and while I must admit that I daydream of pizza with lots of melted cheese and Snickers bars, it’s getting easier to deal with the new diet.
You know, I really wasn’t sure if I was going to make it with this breastfeeding stuff. I was determined to do it, but I still wasn’t sure. Now, here we are closing in on the two month mark, and it dawns on me that we’re already one-sixth of the way to my ultimate goal of breastfeeding for a year. Wow. It feels really good to be over the hump, to know that this is working and that we can keep at it. I have to admit that I feel pretty darn proud of myself.
A.maz.ing March 1, 2007
It’s really dawning on me in a new way how amazing it is that Adam is a part of our family. Just to think about what all it took to bring him into this world truly astounds me.
It all really started with the surgical retrieval of Dan’s sperm. That in itself is something else. I distinctly remember personally driving the test tube of sperm from the hospital where the surgery was performed over to the lab where it was initially frozen. I kept thinking about how I held the only possibility of a biological child right there in my hands. Then that sperm had to be frozen and then thawed while not destroying it in the process.
Then IVF had to be a possibility. Well, more specifically ICSI was the key. Just over a decade ago we couldn’t have even attempted IVF since surgically retrieved sperm is too immature to fertilize an egg without ICSI. I’m so grateful for those wonderful advances in reproductive medicine.
Then there were our cycles. Oh, man. To think that it took 61 eggs, 51 of which were mature, with 44 fertilizing with ICSI, to produce 21 embryos worth transferring to find the 1 that would end up being Adam. Now that’s incredible. And what if the technology to freeze and successfully thaw embryos didn’t exist? Well, we wouldn’t have him then either. He was one of the last four in the deep freeze.
My pregnancy was fairly uneventful for a battle scarred IVF patient with multiple losses placed on blood thinners. His birth, however, wasn’t. Thank goodness hospitals and experienced medical professionals exist. If it wasn’t for their ability to get Adam breathing, well, I just don’t even want to think about that.
It’s just incredible to me that all of these things finally came together so that we could have our son. I don’t know if I believe in miracles, but I think Adam is about as close as you can get.
Adam, 7 weeks