Forever Changed March 24, 2007
Yesterday Dan was adding photos of the three of us to an online family tree. Granted he didn’t have a ton of choices when selecting what picture to use for me given the fact that I can’t stand to have my picture taken, but when I looked at the picture he had uploaded, my first question was, “Does that even look like me anymore?”
It’s not like I’ve changed a ton physically. Hell, I still look very much like I did in high school. So, I wondered why that question had popped into my head. Early this morning it hit me. I’ve changed so much since that picture was taken, not on the outside but on the inside.
I went back and looked at the date it was taken: March 2005. We had “only” done three cycles at that point. I had “only” had a chemical. The miscarriage and four more cycles were yet to come. I realized looking at that picture how much IVF and our losses really have changed me forever.
That girl in the picture looks so innocent. She wasn’t, of course, but she looks that way.
On the flip side, a more positive side, I realize the other reason I don’t totally recognize myself in that picture is because Adam was just a hope and a dream then. As much as IVF has shaped who I am now, motherhood, even the short stint I’ve been fortunate enough to experience thus far, has changed me, too. Even though I couldn’t truly believe that we would eventually have a child through IVF, I can’t even imagine myself without Adam in my life now.
I think I’m going to have to face the camera and take a new picture. That girl in the photo really isn’t me anymore.
- Posted in : our main man
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I don’t think anyone likes to have their picture taken. After I had my daughter, I vowed to have my picture taken often. When we are gone, our children will treasure those photos and share them with their families.
I know exactly what you mean - I truly don’t recognise who I am when looking at my pics anymore.
Would love to see your new pics!
Our brains work in funny ways. It is interesting that because we feel different, we believe we should look different. And you are not alone in that.
I am glad that being a mommy has started to give you a new identity. It is inevitable that infertility changes who we are, and I expect that never goes away, but I am glad it becomes mingled with who we become.
we definitely wear many hats…from daughter to wife to mother. i do believe that mother is the best…take your picture with that baby and enjoy the new woman you have become!
Amanda, glad you’re feeling “changed” for the better these days! Your little guy is so cute, hope you guys are all getting some sleep!
It’s amazing the changes isn’t it? Of course, I look like a haggard old cow, but um - yeah. Sorry about Adam’s sensitivities - you sound happy though!
I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and think the same thing - As a matter of fact, just yesterday I came across a picture of my husband and me on vacation in fall ‘05 and was thinking about how I’d still been hoping to get pregnant that trip.
Wow. I almost started crying while reading your post. I can understand exactly what you are saying. While I knew “somehow” I’d be a mom, I didn’t truely believe it until Will was born and now, Iike you, I can’t imagine my life without him. I know IVF has forever changed me and I can’t believe what life would have been like if I had stopped before my last IVF. I feel like such a different and better person for having my child.
Dear Amanda, I can imagine you feel like a completely different person now, with everything you’ve gone through. I’m so very glad things finally turned out the way they did!
I’ve just finally caught up with you — I’m so glad things are getting better and better. The first weeks really do seem to be rough. But Adam is such a cutie — and I hope he lets his mommy sleep a little more soon!
Amanda, I am so glad you are doing better with things. I pop in every day to look for a new post, even if I don’t comment. Love ya girlie. Hugs!
Oh boy can I relate. When I look at my pics (even the usually dreaded driver’s license pic) before I started all my treatments, I think wow I look so young and fresh-faced. I’ve decided all those hormones through the years has aged my face… incredibly. I can just now look at my later pg pics and think…. well there is the light and the glow that I used to have. So I am hoping that soon enough I will be able to also relate to my mommy look and embrace it!