The Truth January 1, 2008
I’m not big on resolutions, so instead I thought that for my first post of the new year instead of writing another standard update type of post I’d actually sit down and really blog the truth. So, here goes. This is the reality behind the updates.
I’m scared. Adam has his endoscopy on Thursday, and I’m terrified of the results. It may be an oversimplification, but the way I see it things can go one of two ways. Either we find out that whatever is going on is treatable by meds and we continue on with breastfeeding or we find out that Adam has something in the nature of a eosinophilic disorder and we’re forced to wean to Neocate and our world gets flipped upside down.
I’m heartbroken by even the thought of weaning him right now especially in an abrupt manner. It goes against every parenting philosophy I hold dear. I know I started out hating breastfeeding, but now the opposite is true. And to think of forcing him to give up something that is so much more than a mode of nutrition is too much. It may not come to that, and oh I hope it doesn’t, but I do know that it’s a possibility. I have to admit that I’ve shed tears just thinking about the chance that it could go that way.
I really am so overwhelmed right now by so many things. Parenting Adam is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. I’m not complaining, truly I’m not, because it’s also so much more rewarding than I thought it would be. It’s just hard sometimes.
I’m tired. I haven’t slept more than a three hour stretch in over 6 months and those stretches are few and far between these days. A good night means getting up only four times to nurse Adam back to sleep, a bad night is six or seven. I don’t blame him one bit, because when Adam wakes up it’s either because he’s hungry or hurting and between the tummy, reflux, and constant teething he’s got more than his fair share of hurt. It’s just that we’ve been having more bad nights than good recently, and my body can only adjust so much.
And this diet can be quite depressing sometimes. It is so worth it. So worth it! But it’s not easy. I figured out why it’s harder than a diet you go on to lose weight (besides the obvious fact that there’s not a whole lot I can eat). The difference is that I can’t cheat. Everyone cheats on a diet. Heck, even a lot of diet plans have cheating built in. I can’t do it to him, though. I won’t.
I had to bring my own food for Thanksgiving dinner. There was no candy in my stocking this year. I haven’t been out to eat since before Adam was born. It’s been almost 11 months since I had any form of dairy and 6.5 since I had any soy, eggs, wheat, nuts, seafood, beef, or turkey. I lost chicken a little ways back, so it’s pork at every meal. On the flip side, though, as hard as it is, I wouldn’t hesitate to continue on if it means I don’t have to wean Adam. I’ve got a lifetime to eat whatever I want. I can do this for now.
What’s harder for me than my diet is Adam’s diet. “So, what stage food is your baby eating now?” Um, that would be none. I hate so much that his sensitive little system has yet to be able to tolerate solid foods. He’s almost a year old now, and I’m really worried about what’s to come in that department. It can be overwhelming to be his sole source of nutrition at this age, but I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to do it for him.
So, that’s where I am right now, scared, tired, and overwhelmed. I don’t know if things will look better or worse after Thursday. Dan’s always telling me that things will get easier. I guess that’s how we make it through the tough times, thinking about the fact that there will be easier times ahead. I just want Adam to be ok. I want things to get better for him. The rest will work itself out.
- Posted in : our main man
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry that this continues to be so hard. You have been such a super-hero mom–I have been so impressed by your unflagging dedication to your boy. I hope that Thursday brings you good news, and maybe some direction for where to go from here.
I will say, as a mom who has weaned her sweet little boy recently, that while I was very apprehensive about it (for both his sake & mine), now that it is well behind us, we’re both okay. Our bond is different now, but in no way weaker. We truly have found new ways to keep that closeness, and it’s a good thing. I hope the same for you & Adam, whenever and however it happens.
Ugh- I’m sorry you have to go through this- I don’t know how you do the diet thing, I had such a hard time dealing with eliminating foods when I struggled with colic. But I hear you on the no sleep thing- my older son was like that and with the twins, I never get more than 3-4 hours of sleep in a stretch. Good luck with the test this week.
PS- note my new username.
PPS- what’s with the spam comment above?
This sounds terrifying Amanda, and I am so sorry that you’re having so many difficulties figuring out what’s going on with Adam. I am amazed by everything that you have done and continue to do as a mom.
Just a curious thought (and I hope one that doesn’t come to need an answer): if it is some sort of eosinophilia, can you still wean him gently? He’s been doing OK with breastfeeding and while it sounds like the formula would be the better option if that is the problem, could you slowly introduce it to make it less scary and traumatic for both of you? I know absolutely nothing about eosinophilias, so this may be completely impossible and/or dangerous for Adam, but it was just a thought I had.
I am thinking of you and hoping for good news…
Wishing you all the best for the endoscopy on Thursday - thinking of you x
How stressful and scary. I hope you get some reassuring answers.
Amanda,
I’ve been keeping up with your blog for some time now. Sorry that I’ve not posted but a couple of times.
My boy is exactly one week younger than yours. I, too, have been dairy free for so long that I don’t even miss it. But you my dear have had to eliminate more . . . and for that alone, you deserve the mommy of the year (no, century) award.
I, too, am my son’s primary source of food (easily 90%). He is allergic to so many foods, and quite frankly, doesn’t care for eating at all. That’s stressful too. I understand how the thought of weaning abruptly terrifies and saddens you. I will send my prayers your way for a good result.
Anywho, just wanted to let you know that I’ll be thinking of you and your sweet baby boy.
I’m amazed by the lengths you’ve been willing to go for Adam–you’re really an inspiration. I hope you get good news…and some sleep.
You are an incredible mother!! The sacrifices that you have made for your child are more than admirable, and are without question, the greatest gift he will ever receive! Congratulations on being such an amazing mother; I pray that all has a happy outcome!
Thinking of you and Adam! I hope all goes well on Thursday! You are an exceptional mother.
I know that non-sleeping thing is so difficult not to mention the restrictive diet. I pray for good news! You and Adam deserve a break!
Praying for good results and hoping that you both get some rest soon–you all are in my prayers!
I pray that you FINALLY get some answers on Thursday and that Adam begins to feel better soon. Hang in there, the both of you!!!
I’m thinking of you and your family. Hope you get some good news soon.
I haven’t been able to stay on top of my blog reading in months, so I’m playing catch-up. Adam is such a cutie!! and I can’t believe how long it’s been; I feel like he was just born yesterday ;)
I’m so sorry you all are having to deal with so much. Your attitude and perseverance are inspiring. Adam’s ginormous smile must be such an amazing payoff. My prayers are with you - I hope all goes well tomorrow and you get some answers on Thursday that help knock one major thing off Adam’s list.
You got me with the stockings, btw. Was a v beautiful image.
Amanda - I just want to tell you how in awe I am of you for being able to deal with all this; it’s been so so rough for all of you.
I hope the results come back the way you want them to, and you can start working towards resolution soon. xxx
Amanda — Sending you good thoughts for the test results. You have been and continue to be an amazng mother and inspiration. Lots of hugs.
Amanda,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with your story lately, as my little girl’s been keeping me busy. I’m glad I spotted this particular post, though, as it allows me to “catch up” with what’s been happening in your life. You should be very proud of the wonderful Mommy you’ve been to Adam. And if it’s any consolation, I breastfed exclusively for over a year, and I seem to have turned out ok :)