Only In the Computer June 22, 2009
Well, I didn’t mean to leave my blog on that downer note for so long. Things are looking up. Yes, it’s going to take some time to get over all that happened, but we’re ok. That’s what’s important.
So, on a lighter note, I’ve been living out my Fertile Myrtle fantasies with the Sims 3 game these days. I made my Sim’s lifetime wish to raise 5 children. Funny, huh? I even used some of my reward points to purchase a pass to the fertility clinic. Even funnier! My chick already has 3 toddlers and is pregnant again. Like I said, only in the computer.
It kind of makes me think, though. You know, about all of that fertility (or in- as the case may be) stuff. I think I’ve moved passed it as much as is possible for now. And I think that’s a good thing.
I’ll never forget, but I’m healing. You can’t go through that crap without it changing you, but it feels like a whole other life. Adam is my present. He’s just too full of life to waste energy thinking about the past.
So, what about the future? Well, we know I won’t be following in the footsteps of my Fertile Myrtle Sim. That’s a given.
I really think it’s going to be “just” Adam. There’s no “just” about him, but you know what I mean. Dan and I have already decided that we won’t be setting foot back in an IVF clinic again. It was worth every second of it to get Adam, and I’d do all of it all over again in a heartbeat, but I don’t think either of us has it in us to go through another 7 cycles. And while adoption has been discussed on and off, this whole ©ps thing throws a huge wrench into that.
The truth is, though, that even if we could be fertile myrtles, I don’t know that we would. I know that Dan and I both wanted a child so badly that we would jump through a million hoops to make it happen. Now that we’ve done our hoop jumping and have our precious one, well, I think it’s enough. He’s more than enough, actually. More than.
So, I think I’ll save my Fertile Myrtle fantasies for the computer. That’s where they belong.
Feeling Stuck June 9, 2009
I’m torn between stuffing everything in a box and moving along and just letting it all out. I wish I could say that I’ve just been able to let it all go after we read the words “cased closed.” It’s not that easy, though.
It’s hard to hear that someone thinks you’re a bad mother when you know that you’ve done everything possible to insure the opposite. It’s hard to just get over having to prove that you’re a fit enough parent to have your child live with you.
I know in my heart that we have always done what’s best for Adam. I know that we know him better than anyone else. I know I’m a good mom for him. I just wish I could just get past everything that happened. I know I can’t wish it away, though. It’s going to take time to heal. We have been scarred from this. It’s just how it is.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around how all of this happened. How someone could fail us so much when we were just trying to get help.
So many things don’t add up to me. Why didn’t they talk to Adam’s local doctors who knew him and us? Why didn’t they take into account that Adam and I were both grieving for the abrupt end to breastfeeding (just 4 days before our trip) instead of assuming that Adam was developmentally delayed and I was emotionally unstable? Why didn’t they take into consideration the fact that Adam had lost significant weight from the illness that landed us both in the ER just days prior to our trip instead of assuming that he was malnourished?
Like I said, I don’t get it. Adam is thriving. He’s in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. His only developmental delay has been his speech, and I can’t even begin to describe the progress he’s made in the last few months. He’s catching up fast. He’s a healthy, happy little boy.
I wish I could put the hell we went out of my mind. I know the system is there for a reason, but I’ve also read numerous cases of falsely accused parents who have to jump through hoops to get their cases closed. They came right out and told us that we were guilty until we proved ourselves innocent, and that was the truth. I don’t blame them, though. They were only listening to the reports they got. They should have never gotten them in the first place.
I need to just focus on the fact that Adam is doing better now, and that’s the most important thing. He’s gaining foods. He’s growing like a weed. He’s my little miracle man, and I’d go through this hell all over again if I had to for him. He’s more than worth it.