Feeling Stuck June 9, 2009
I’m torn between stuffing everything in a box and moving along and just letting it all out. I wish I could say that I’ve just been able to let it all go after we read the words “cased closed.” It’s not that easy, though.
It’s hard to hear that someone thinks you’re a bad mother when you know that you’ve done everything possible to insure the opposite. It’s hard to just get over having to prove that you’re a fit enough parent to have your child live with you.
I know in my heart that we have always done what’s best for Adam. I know that we know him better than anyone else. I know I’m a good mom for him. I just wish I could just get past everything that happened. I know I can’t wish it away, though. It’s going to take time to heal. We have been scarred from this. It’s just how it is.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around how all of this happened. How someone could fail us so much when we were just trying to get help.
So many things don’t add up to me. Why didn’t they talk to Adam’s local doctors who knew him and us? Why didn’t they take into account that Adam and I were both grieving for the abrupt end to breastfeeding (just 4 days before our trip) instead of assuming that Adam was developmentally delayed and I was emotionally unstable? Why didn’t they take into consideration the fact that Adam had lost significant weight from the illness that landed us both in the ER just days prior to our trip instead of assuming that he was malnourished?
Like I said, I don’t get it. Adam is thriving. He’s in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. His only developmental delay has been his speech, and I can’t even begin to describe the progress he’s made in the last few months. He’s catching up fast. He’s a healthy, happy little boy.
I wish I could put the hell we went out of my mind. I know the system is there for a reason, but I’ve also read numerous cases of falsely accused parents who have to jump through hoops to get their cases closed. They came right out and told us that we were guilty until we proved ourselves innocent, and that was the truth. I don’t blame them, though. They were only listening to the reports they got. They should have never gotten them in the first place.
I need to just focus on the fact that Adam is doing better now, and that’s the most important thing. He’s gaining foods. He’s growing like a weed. He’s my little miracle man, and I’d go through this hell all over again if I had to for him. He’s more than worth it.
- Posted in : our main man
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I am so sorry you were put through that. I can’t imagine what a nightmare that had to have been. Hoping you can heal from this as soon as possible. I’m so glad that Adam is doing so well.
Moxie had an interesting post on this a few months ago on Ask Moxie:
http://www.askmoxie.org/2009/04/qa-abuseneglectclosure.html
You might find the comments helpful. I’ll be thinking of you, and I’m so glad to hear your hell has come to an end.
Oh hell sweetie. You so didn’t deserve any of this. I wish you peace.
Amanda
I really can’t get my head around what this must have been like. I hope by the end of the process it was clear to everyone how much you’ve done for Adam, and how much you’ve struggled to give him what he needs. And most of all I’m glad it’s over.
((((Amanda, Dan, & Adam))))
I can’t imagine the stress you’ve gone through. I don’t think I would have handled it so nicely. I would have probably been arrested for beating the persons ass who filed the report. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.
The parents that NEED their kids taken away from them don’t even get reported.
I think like with all things, time will make the wound easier to bear. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this. I’m glad to hear Adam is growing, talking, and gaining new foods!
Un-freaking-believable! I’ve been away from blogging for a few months so I’m playing catch up. And I return to this incredible story.
Oh Amanda, I cannot believe what you guys have endured. You of all people. I have admired your commitment and devotion to Adam since I first started reading your blog …always thinking you’re a much better Mom than I think I could ever be …which is why non of what I’ve now read about the past several months makes any sense. What terrible, terrible people. I am so sorry.
I am so glad to hear you’ve gotten some answers. I think that, and seeing your boy thrive more and more will help you find the healing you all need.
hugs,
Shell
Hey Amanda, sorry it’s been so long. I lost my bookmarks in my old browser but have finally been able to get around to finding some of the lovely women I have been missing–yourself among them :)
I’m so glad to hear that the case was closed. I know exactly how ‘abused’ you feel now; how mistrusting of the system–a system that is so screwed up, and yet how relieved you must feel too.
Still, the trauma remains. And I think you said it best when you wrote, “It’s hard to hear that someone thinks you’re a bad mother when you know that you’ve done everything possible to insure the opposite.” That sentence sums up perfectly what my deepest feelings were about what our family went through. I am so sorry that yours had to go through it too.
They say time heals all wounds. For me, maybe not healed completely, but the wound and its scar are much less painful. Wishing you healing my friend.
(And keep up the great work parenting Adam!)