The End? A New Beginning? You Got Me. October 8, 2009
Sometimes I wonder if I should just shut this thing down. Should I delete it? Leave it up? What? And then I read a post like this, a post that resonates with me, and I finally come back to type.
I don’t know where to pick up really. It’s been too long. But I’ll try.
We just took a trip to spend a long weekend with my brother, sister-in-law, and their daughter, Adam’s only cousin. Every time I’m with them I feel the ping. Their daughter is 11 months old. It’s the ping of watching a little one, watching Adam interact with a little one. The ping of knowing that it’s the road not taken for us.
Before the ugly infertility monster decided to take a few good swings at us, we’d always thought we’d have 2 or 3 kids. Well, that was the fantasy. We all know how the reality turned out. 7 IVF/FET cycles=1 live birth.
That path led us to Adam, though. So, despite the ping, I’m ok with it. It’s been a process to become truly ok with it. But I think I’m there.
I see siblings playing together. I see pregnant bellies at all of our toddler activity classes. I know what’s it’s like to be able to have a sibling as an adult. But they don’t scream as loudly to me now. Oh yes, they still whisper, but they don’t scream.
It wasn’t an instantaneous process to accept that Dan has azoospermia and that our only hope of conceiving a child would be through IVF. It most certainly wasn’t an instantaneous process to accept that even if we signed check after check and I shot up drug after drug that we may or may not get a real live baby out of the deal. So, it’s not surprising that accepting that our family may not have turned out as I originally pictured has taken (is taking) some time.
Like I said, I think I’m mostly there. I know we’re a family of three. Period. And while I’ve never made an official proclamation before, our infertility journey has been over for quite some time.
So, where do I go from here? Am I going to try to figure my way through parenting via this blog? Am I going to neglect it as badly as I’ve done in the recent past? Your guess is as good as mine.
Writing about infertility was more urgent, and more interesting, too, I’m sure. I don’t have the same kind of pain or struggle now. It makes for a more pleasant life but a more boring blog.
Hmm, I wonder what the heck I’m going to do with this thing?
- Posted in : our main man
- Author : amanda
Comments»
My blog fell to the wayside when Lizzy was born, I took to writing in my private LJ where I write almost daily. Simply to record everything, to have a place to vent.
I started another infertility blog. I envy your absolute. I wish I knew for sure whether we would be a family of 3 or not. With DoR I could have another child or I could not, but there’s nothing I can do but keep trying and wait. I did conceive a year ago only to miscarry at 8 weeks. I wonder if I have to go through that again if I would make the decision myself. Make it so it wasn’t an option.
I would love to hear more from you, but you do what you gotta do chica. How is Adam doing these days anyway?
I selfishly hope you don’t stop blogging, I love hearing what’s going on with you guys, however sporadically.
Thanks for the update. I think of you and your family often. I’m so glad you are happy and that’s why you don’t blog as much. Although I always enjoy your updates.
Your post inspired me to open up Blogger and update mine, too – and thanks for your comment there. :-)
I keep going partly out of the sense of community, I think it’s hard when people you have become so involved with just disappear. Even one update every few months helps, to feel like we know how the story is continuing. We’d all love to hear more, but even a little is good.
I hope you’ll keep blogging. I keep going because I don’t know how our family is going to be built in the future, but I don’t feel the urgency that I did about it before we adopted K. So I don’t write often. Even so, I’m glad that I still have my blog. I hope you’ll write anytime you want, and that you’ll want to often.
I hear you. It is much harder to blog “happy”.
I am so glad that you are coming to a sense of peace and I am so glad you have your precious Adam!
I love hearing about how things are going with you. For what it’s worth.
Your blog (and Thalia’s) were among the first I read and the inspiration for me to start my own blog. Even though I don’t blog now, I still read and love to hear your updates. Hopefully you’ll still blog even if it is occasional. I would love to hear an update on how Adam is doing and see soem photos of your handsome little man!
Keep blogging! You can gripe about the fertile women who say insensitive things like, “Oh….I don’t know if I WANT another baby just yet…” as if they can pick and choose their moment of conception like a latte at Starbucks. ;-) That one always incenses me. I’m so glad you’re still here…keep writing!!!