I Guess It’s Not Really Deja Vu After All November 28, 2009
As I expected, it was weird going back to see my RE. I didn’t even get the benefit of going back to a familiar place, because my clinic had moved into a new facility since I was there last.
My appointment went well, though. I talked to my RE about my concerns regarding jumping back into cycling again with only one vial of sperm left. Most of our cycles only used one vial, but our last fresh used up two because they couldn’t find enough motile sperm in the first one to fertilize all my eggs (22 mature that cycle). Given that, we went over our options:
1. Cycle with our last remaining vial and fertilize as many eggs as we can.
2. Cycle using last vial but have fresh sperm retrieval on the table as backup in case frozen vial isn’t adequate.
3. Cycle using last vial but have donor sperm on hand as backup.
4. Cycle using last vial with fresh sperm retrieval as backup #1 and DS as backup #2.
I guess we could also just go ahead and plan to have Dan have surgery that day and use the fresh sperm first and use the frozen as backup. And, of course, there’s always straight to donor (which in that case we wouldn’t have to jump straight to IVF).
Then we talked about protocol should we choose to do another fresh cycle. He said we would stick with what worked (the fresh cycle that produced the embryos that we transferred in our FET that resulted in Adam.) That was microdose Lupron with all Gonal-F stim. Still on Lovenox after ET.
In order to cycle again I would need day 3 bloodwork as well as all communicable disease bloodwork redone. I would also need another hysteroscopy. Dan would need communicables. If we decide to use DS (straight away or as backup) we’d have to go to a donor counseling session.
He said we could start as soon as we wanted. I got orders for all of the bloodwork for both of us, so we can do them whenever we want.
I relayed the above to Dan when I got home. (He came home early from work to stay with Adam.) He took it all in, but he’s not really ready to discuss it all yet.
One thing I’ve learned through all of the infertility crap is how differently Dan and I process things. I remember after my miscarriage I was ready to jump into another cycle as soon as I could physically do so. It took Dan a lot longer to come around to that idea. I don’t want to push, so I’ll wait until he’s ready.
So, that’s where we are. Yes, I have thoughts on the above, but I won’t post them yet out of respect for Dan. (He reads my blog.) I think it’s important that he have space to figure out what he wants to do to without my opinions being forced upon him.
I do have to say, though, that while this is a tough decision to make, all of this pales in comparison to what we went through to get Adam. I sat in the waiting room on Wednesday wondering about the other women sitting there. I was hoping so much that their hearts weren’t hurting as much as mine did when I was there before.
There just is no comparison to before. None. My heart isn’t broken anymore, so no matter what we decide to do, no matter the outcome, it will be ok.
The Binder November 24, 2009
Even before I went on my first IVF consult, I started an IVF binder. It was an easy way to keep all of my records together and to have a place to keep track of all of the endless numbers that come along with the IVF process.
I pulled out my binder last week in preparation for my appointment tomorrow. A while back I went through and purged it (about the same time when I decided to give away all of my maternity clothes) but I left all of the important stuff.
It was weird to read back through it all. It brought back a lot. The ink on the paper spoke of follicle counts and E2 levels, but my mind holds the memories of all of the blood, sweat, and tears that accompanied those numbers.
I couldn’t help but smile, though, when I came across the picture of our last four embryos. One of those is Adam. It put it all in perspective.
I’m nervous about tomorrow. I keep wondering what will come of it. I honestly don’t know if Dan will agree to cycle regardless of what my RE has to say on the matter. I want that door to be open for us, though. I think about it a lot.
I really don’t know if the list of questions I printed out for my appointment tomorrow will be the last page I add to my binder or the first page of a new section. Only time will tell.
How’s the Little Man? November 20, 2009
I know several people have asked how Adam is doing. He’s great.
I am finding it absolutely amazing to watch him learn and grow. He surprises me all the time. A couple of weeks ago we learned that he knows his numbers 1-10 in Spanish. It’s not something we sat down and practiced. He just picked it up.
He does stuff like that a lot. Tonight he counted backwards from 10 (in English). Who knew. His brain is just a sponge.
Adam loves to explore. He loves to figure out how stuff works. I call him my little engineer. He does stuff like taking apart the vacuum cleaner and then putting it back together. His brain is so cool.
It’s been fun to watch his personality develop. When we started going to music classes a year and a half ago, he was the shy toddler who preferred to sit away from the group. Now he’s the one who gives all of the kids in class “sneak attack” hugs. He really is a total sweetheart.
He love animals, too. He loves his two kitties, and he loves seeing the neighborhood dogs out for walks. “Puppies!” He’ll pet anything that lets him.
He has limitless energy and wears me out on a daily basis. I swear, just attempting to go on a shopping trip is a challenge. “Adam, please close the door to the freezer case.” “Adam please put that down and come this way.” If there’s a knob, he needs to turn it. If there’s a door, he needs to open it. It’s good, though. I mean, aside from the frustration of not being able to buy more than five things at a time.
Things have calmed down on the medical front which is always good. The fluid in his ears is gone, so no more talk of tubes and no more visits to the ENT unless he develops a separate problem. He finished with speech therapy many months ago, and has caught up tremendously. He has a wonderful vocabulary now, speaks in sentences, and all that good stuff.
The food stuff is still an issue, but his diet has continued to expand and he is growing like an absolute weed. The kid is tall, something he does not get from me. He’s still on Neocate Jr. to make sure he’s got all nutritional bases covered, and I think we’re all fine with that at this point.
So yeah, he’s good. Every single day Adam will just come up to me out of the blue and say “Hi Mama” and give me the biggest hug ever. It doesn’t get better than that.
Deja Vu November 4, 2009
This morning I picked up the phone and dialed the number to my RE’s office, something I wasn’t sure if I’d ever do again. And then I made an appointment.
No, we’re not jumping into a cycle or anything crazy like that. Dan agreed with me that it would be a good idea to hear my RE’s opinion of our options. (He agreed on the condition that I don’t go scheduling anything while I’m there. He’s a funny guy, I tell ya.)
It was weird going to my clinic’s website again, talking to the receptionist again. I wonder if I’ll get that weird nervous feeling when I walk into the office again?
I honestly don’t know what will happen from here. My appointment is in three weeks. Will we cycle again? I don’t know. I just know that we owe it to ourselves to at least consider it. Whatever we decide I think we’ll feel better knowing we really thought it through.