My Calendar is Happy January 30, 2010
I knew what my cycle dates were going to be even before I got them, a perk of having done the same protocol at the same clinic before. Now they’re official, though, so it’s been nice to be able to put them in ink.
12/26-2/8 birth control pills
2/11 baseline
2/12 start microdose Lupron
2/13 start stims
week of 2/22 ER
I am officially one-third the way through BCPs which makes me happy. I have to go in for my teach visit next week, a fancy term for turning in my consents, getting my meds ordered, and forking over a deposit. And then, we’re off to the races.
I’m most definitely looking forward to moving on from the pill popping portion of this cycle to the needle injecting portion. I’ll take gonadotropins over the evil birth control pills any day.
BCPs With a Side of Guilt January 28, 2010
I opened the birth control pill package Monday morning and paused. Why was I hesitating? It wasn’t because I’ve changed my mind about cycling. I’m ready. I want to do this. So, what was that about?
That moment of hesitation was all about guilt. It came to me as I read my last post in bloglines. Every time I post about this IVF cycle it’s as if I’m justifying it to myself. I’m always careful to point out how different things are this time around now that we have Adam. I make it clear that we’re so thankful to have him, and anything else would be a bonus.
And that is so true, but the truth is that I know that. I don’t need to say it every time I post about this cycle. So, why do it? The truth is that part of me feels guilty cycling.
Why do I get another chance, even if it’s not a great one, when so many other people are still in the trenches struggling for #1? Survivor’s guilt has always been a tough thing for me to process, but this chance to cycle again is bringing it to the forefront.
I have friends who are still waiting. They’ve been through so much. It’s their turn, not mine.
I know it doesn’t really work that way. I know how unfair infertility is. We had our fair share of it trying to get our little man. But the unfairness can’t change what I feel should be.
I have to say, though, that I think just acknowledging the guilt helped. I’ve been swallowing my little white pill each morning, and instead of letting the guilt gnaw at me, all I can think about is how much I hate those evil fuckers.
Let’s Get This Party Started January 25, 2010
Guess what I get to do tomorrow morning? Start popping birth control pills. Oh, how I’ve missed those evil things.
So, yeah. We’re doing it. Again. It’s kind of hard to believe it’s been 4 years since my last fresh cycle. I’m assuming it’s like riding a bike, though, huh?
I’m definitely in a different mindset this time around. I’m not as nervous. I’m not as desperate. And surprisingly, I’m not as hopeless.
To expound: While we were in the pursuit for Adam, I was so desperate for each cycle to be “the one.” The thought of going though another cycle when you’re already on #5 or #6 is disheartening to say the least. I had to get to him, whatever it took, so there was soooo much riding on each and every cycle. It made me nervous. I worried. I stressed.
Now, though, we’ve arrived. He’s more than I ever imagined. I can’t be desperate when I’ve got him. I want this very much, but I’m not going to be broken into a million pieces if it doesn’t happen like I was each time one of our pre-Adam cycles failed.
So, what’s with the hope, you say? I’m not one known for hope. Hope is a bitch. I know that. I was beaten down so much and so hard, that I literally couldn’t hope during our last cycle. It hurt too badly. You fall further when you get your hopes up.
Now I have a cushion. It feels ok to hope at least a little. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still 100% realistic. I know our chances. I’ve lived them. I just want to let a little hope creep in this cycle. It is our last one unless by some miracle we get frozens. I’m not in that deep dark hole anymore, thankfully, so it’s ok to let a see a little light seep in.
I don’t know how this will turn out, although I could probably bet on the outcome and win. I do know, however, that it’s worth a try. So, let the games begin.
Three January 14, 2010
Adam turned 3 this past weekend. I can hardly believe it. I mean, really. How did that happen?
I guess it’s still hard for me to believe sometimes that we really got this lucky. I never ever expected our final FET cycle to work. Why should that one succeed when all of the others had failed? I guess it was because we were waiting for Adam. And as I’ve said before, he was definitely worth the wait.
He’s such an amazing little guy (who isn’t quite so little anymore.) The boy is tall! He fascinates me on a daily basis. The other day he woke up and the first thing out of his mouth was “subtracting!” He proceed to ask for his number book was so we could do some subtracting. That’s my Adam.
In addition to all things number related, he loves all things building related. You could not pry away his tool toys from him if you wanted to. He got a new work bench for his birthday, and he loves it. He loves to take stuff apart, too. The other day it took me quite a while to get my Dyson back together, he had it in so many pieces.
He loves to play outside, and I’m sure he can’t wait for the weather to warm up some so he can spend more time out there. We go on walks to the playground, and he insists on taking the long way home through the neighborhood. He likes collecting pine cones, leaves, and knocked off street reflectors along the way. And we have to stop at every mailbox we pass, too. Our neighborhood has grouped mailboxes, and he loves to open the package spots, count the boxes, etc.
Adam has crazy hair. It’s blond, straight, and fine like mine, but his has a tendency to stick straight up in the back. Sometimes it behaves, but other times it is so out of control that’s it’s pointless to even bring a comb or brush into the same room. On those days we even get strangers commenting about it.
He’s got a kind heart. I love that about him. He loves to give other kids hugs and is best buddies with our two cats.
And he’s funny, too. He loves to tell jokes. His favorite one is that he has three feet. He thinks that’s hilarious. He does things that crack me up. He recently learned to headbutt. He’ll bump his head into your butt at random moments and declare “headbutt!” But sometimes he gets it backwards and it comes out “butthead!”
He’s more than I could have ever asked for. I still remember what it felt like to hold him in my arms that first night in the hospital. Now I get big hugs. What could be better?
Unsticking Myself January 3, 2010
I’ve been feeling stuck lately. Part of that has to do with the holidays. I love Christmastime, but having multiple sets of guests coming through our house left me a bit lacking in energy to propel myself in forward motion. Also, the fact that we had decided to go ahead with another IVF cycle yet had not decided when that was going to actually happen left me feeling stuck in IVF limboland.
Well, I am stuck no more. The new year is upon us. It’s time to make myself move forward again. And we’ve made a decision about our cycle, too!
I’m always better with a plan. I love to be able to write in dates on my calendar. I love to be able to count down the days until X.
We’ve decided to start with my next cycle which should arrive towards the end of the month. I’ll start popping birth control pills on cycle day 2 and go from there. I’m doing the exact same protocol as my last fresh cycle, so I’m pretty sure I know which days things should fall on. ER should end up being the last week in February.
Things are coming along with all of the pre-cycle work. I got my lab results back, and everything was normal. FSH was still in the ok range at 6.5. Dan had his bloodwork done last week. The meds that needed to go through mail order have been ordered and should be delivered this week. I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m looking forward to getting them. There’s just something about seeing a big stash of IVF drugs to get you ready for a cycle.
So, I’m feeling good about having the ball in motion. I hate the feeling of not knowing how things are going to turn out, and I’d just assume find out sooner rather than later.