BCPs With a Side of Guilt January 28, 2010
I opened the birth control pill package Monday morning and paused. Why was I hesitating? It wasn’t because I’ve changed my mind about cycling. I’m ready. I want to do this. So, what was that about?
That moment of hesitation was all about guilt. It came to me as I read my last post in bloglines. Every time I post about this IVF cycle it’s as if I’m justifying it to myself. I’m always careful to point out how different things are this time around now that we have Adam. I make it clear that we’re so thankful to have him, and anything else would be a bonus.
And that is so true, but the truth is that I know that. I don’t need to say it every time I post about this cycle. So, why do it? The truth is that part of me feels guilty cycling.
Why do I get another chance, even if it’s not a great one, when so many other people are still in the trenches struggling for #1? Survivor’s guilt has always been a tough thing for me to process, but this chance to cycle again is bringing it to the forefront.
I have friends who are still waiting. They’ve been through so much. It’s their turn, not mine.
I know it doesn’t really work that way. I know how unfair infertility is. We had our fair share of it trying to get our little man. But the unfairness can’t change what I feel should be.
I have to say, though, that I think just acknowledging the guilt helped. I’ve been swallowing my little white pill each morning, and instead of letting the guilt gnaw at me, all I can think about is how much I hate those evil fuckers.
- Posted in : IVF Part 8: the 2nd time around
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Oh, no guilt, honey. You’ve been through so much these past few years, and in the years to get to your wonderful boy. If anyone could “deserve” an easy time of it, you certainly would.
Crossing all fingers, toes, etc. for you!
Ditto what Jen has said. And even had the past few years not been as tough (and wonderful) as they have been for your family, you’ve got to follow your heart. Like Jen, I’m crossing my fingers for you!
You do not need to feel guilty, but I do get it. When anyone mentions us having another baby at some point, I feel like I have to say something along the lines of “well, if we are lucky enough” or some other disclaimer. Infertility really screwed our heads, didn’t it?
How many fertile couples think that their 2nd child is a bonus or feel a tinge of guilt because they might be having a child while someone else is still trying? Not many. Infertility does a number on you but it does make you more empathetic and compassionate. I think it’s not simply that we feel guilty, it’s that deep down we know that pain that someone else is feeling and it’s awful and we don’t want anyone to know that.