Things Just Can’t Be Simple March 10, 2010
Yesterday I was D-O-N-E with this cycle. I was holding it together ok until my little brother called and told me that he and his wife are expecting #2, and she’s “not even ready for another one.” It took every ounce of restraint I had to maintain my composure for the rest of the conversation, and when I hung up, the deep down tears found me. After that, I had just had enough of all of this.
I packed up three bags before I went to bed: one with leftover meds to donate to other patients, one with a vast collection of unused syringes saved throughout my eight cycles, and a bag of sharps. I was all ready to bring them in, get my beta done, and close the door.
I didn’t even do my shots last night. (Obviously this comes with the “do not try this at home” disclaimer.) I knew this cycle was in the tank, and I just could not see putting myself through another night of torture for nothing.
This morning I woke up and peed on the last HPT I had bought. It wasn’t like I was ever going to have a need for it again, so I thought I might as well use it up. Result: faint line. Fuck! That’s literally what I said.
Yes, most people are happy when they see two lines. I knew better. I knew what having a negative at 12 days past retrieval and then a faint line at 14dpr means especially with my history of chemicals. It definitely deserved an expletive or two (or three).
So, I unpacked some Lovenox and PIO and shot up just in case. I was mad when I did it, but I knew I had to. And then I headed off to beta.
When I started this cycle I asked the universe for one favor, that if this cycle was not going to end with a real live baby in my arms that I just wanted a negative. No chemical/miscarriage torture. Just an uncomplicated negative.
Yes, negative betas suck so much, but they are not complex. You stop your meds and that’s it. No repeat betas, no meaningless med torture. Just “the end.”
I guess the universe didn’t get the memo, because today’s beta was 14.9. I knew it was going to be under 25, and it was. Fuckers.
No, this is not going to go anywhere good. Shall we review my past positive betas?
IVF #2: 46 on day 16 = chemical
IVF #3: 124 on day 14 = miscarriage
IVF #4: 7 on day 14 = chemical
FET #3: 153 on day 14 = Adam
So, yeah if I were some super duper lucky IVF newbie a 14.9 on day 14 might get me somewhere. Being that I’m a loss ladened vet, well you know as well as I do where this is going.
I have to go back on Friday to see which way the numbers decide to move. There’s a good chance the universe will torture me with upward motion before things go south just so this can drag out as long as possible. Let’s just all hope that’s not the case, though. This is hard enough without that.
- Posted in : IVF Part 8: the 2nd time around
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Oh Amanda I am so sorry. I won’t torture you with “if”, Kara’s number wasn’t good either, but you know your body and your cycles. Even though Kara’s number wasn’t good, I “knew” I was pregnant.
I wish this had turned out differently for you.
wow… sorry about your brother’s beyond crappy timing and sorry about the lousy beta. I’m no IVF vet so I desperately want to wish you puppy dogs and rainbows, but I think you are calling it rights. So I hope the universe yields you a little mercy with your next beta at least. ((Hugs))
Well, fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate low betas with a passion, and I’m really sorry this is the way it decided to go. Hoping for lower on Friday, but knowing that somehow it might not go *that* way, either.
Ulgh – low betas are the worst. I am sorry about the emotional roller coaster this puts you through. I know how you feel – why can’t things be simpler.
Sorry also about your brother’s timing. It’s soooooooo hard. Hugs! Double – Quadruple Hugs coming your way!!!
I am sorry amanda. There is of course an outside chance – the whole Brooklyn Girl story comes to mind – but of course it is unlikely with numbers that low. Bollocksy bollocks indeed.
And silly, insensitive brother needs to get a clue. Honestly.
Well that just sucks–even as the blogger formerly known as BrooklynGirl, I know that sucks. Still, I’m wishing for your miracle–and for your brother to get a clue.
That could just be a late implantation hun. It does happen, even with IVF. If it was a chemical the HPT on CD12 probably would’ve picked it up even then.
I’m still rooting for you, but I understand completely where you’re coming from.
*hugs*
Oh, no. No, no, no. I am so very sorry that this has gotten complicated. I hope you don’t mind if some of us keep a little flame of hope burning for you; I know how hard it is to hope for yourself.
I have followed you since you got pregnant with Adam. I finished my 4th cycle right before you started this one (#1 – m/c (37 1st beta), #2 – BFN, #3 twin boys (high beta), and #4 – 13.7 1st beta. Like you, I just knew I was in for torture. I want you to try to stay positive because right now I am 7w5d w identical twins. I know this sounds like a joke but it’s not. So, double, double, double!
Well, shit, shit shit. I am so very sorry-I know too well the low-beta hell, and I wish you were spared it…barring that, I will continue to hold out some hope for you, even if it doesn’t seem at all possible. Hugs to you, my friend.
Hang in there, Amanda!
It can go either way. I’m gonna be stubborn and be hopeful still. I am so sorry you are being tortured though. :( For what it’s worth, my betas were 13 at 14 dpo, then a 31 2 days later then 900-something a week after that. All the nurse would say prior to the last one was a perky “let’s just be cautiously optimistic.” UGH! I hated that! *HUGS*
Well hell Amanda. Limbo hell, jezz. Like others I’m wishing for the best. This is such a mindf*ck! I really hope it turns out well. Omg, your brother, ack… Does he know you just cycled, please say no, that would make it somewhat more acceptable. Not really but maybe a little…
Okay, hang in there and keep shooting up. You never know. I mean I know you know your body but you never know.
oxox,
Kimmer
Prayers that the universe throws you a bone. {{{hugs}}}
jesus, amanda. I’m so friggin’ sorry. This is really crappy news. As you say, worse than a flat-out negative in so many ways. Shit.
I’m sorry you had to deal with your brother’s news on top of the shitty beta…ugh. I know considering your past betas you are seeing a chemical, and I’m sorry you have to go on this rollercoaster…I would so love the universe to be kind to you and give you a success story like some of your commenters. You deserve it.
Oh crap! And crappy timing with your brothers news. Ugh.
Hoping the torture is not drawn out. I’m so sorry.
Wow. When the universe decides to be a sonofabitch, he really is a sonofabitch. Hoping for either good news or a quick stop to the havoc.
Really sorry. And even more sorry it’s not even a definitive sorry. You’ve handled it all with a lot of grace though.
Thinking of you. Sending lots of hugs. IVF just sucks as does the timing with the fertile world (always at the very worst times to hear other other people’s news). My heart aches for you right now…hang in there.
The cosmic tease just sucks. I’m sorry you didn’t get your definite answer one way or the other. And I’m especially sorry your brother called right in the middle of having to deal with all this. Big huge hugs for you.
Ugh Amanda (although I did have to laugh at the “fuck” – oh yeah). I’m so sorry honey – I hate the limbo, just feel so much for you.
Hugs to you!
Oh, my dear. This is so hard.