Risk vs. Reward March 31, 2010
When we first found out that IVF was the only way we would even have a chance of conceiving a biological child, I was ready to sign up in a heartbeat. Do you think I fretted over the risks spelled out in the consent forms? Heck no. You see, it didn’t matter to me then what the risks were. I would have done anything.
I didn’t think of egg retrievals as surgeries with actual risks. I didn’t think of meds as having real, lasting side effects. I didn’t think about all of the things that could go wrong. I just wanted a baby, and I was willing to do whatever it took to get one.
I’m sure I’m not the only one. No one wants to read the fine print and think that it might happen to them. We all just want the happy ending.
Even after I had done multiple cycles and faced multiple setbacks, emotionally and physically, I was not going to stop. Pour more drugs into my body. Put me through more, and more, and more. I did not care. The potential reward was worth every single risk to me at that point.
Things are different now. I have my little man. And you know what? I really should have thought about the risks more going into this cycle. No, I’m not blaming myself for what happened, but I should have taken those blinders off this time around.
I guess it’s human nature to think that we’re not going to land in the x% of whatever bad stat applies to any given situation. I had no risk factors for an ectopic pregnancy going into this cycle. I’d never had one before. My tubes have always been fine. I’ve never had female factor infertility of any sort. My only risk factor was doing IVF itself.
I landed on the bad side of the odds, but that happens. I think sometimes we forget that it happens or just hope it will happen to someone else. IVF can be risky business, but the potential reward makes us overlook that sometimes.
I don’t think I ever truly took the risks of IVF seriously before last weekend. I couldn’t let myself really think about them before. To me, having a baby was always more important than wondering if IVF meds would leave a lasting effect on my body for years to come or worrying about whether something life threatening would come of a cycle. I needed to not think about that, because I had to keep going.
Well, now I do not. I can think about it all now. And if I really think about it, I know now that the risk is not worth it for me personally anymore. Sunday was the closest I’ve ever been to dying. I do not want to go back there anytime soon.
Obviously I could never have predicted what happened to me this cycle. I do regret cycling again, but I obviously can’t undo any of it. I can just be thankful now that I’m ok. I can be thankful and enjoy the reward I’ve already got, my little man. He’s just too precious to me to risk going through this hell again.
- Posted in : IVF Part 8: the 2nd time around
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I am so sorry this cycle turned out the way it did and I am glad that you are able to now look back on it even if it is with regret. I can only imagine how it felt to go through all that.
You are right the risks are very real. It’s something I have been struggling with too especially since we are signed up to start trying with our last remaining frozen embryos in August. I am definitely more aware of what all this means and how risky IVF is.
I am trying to take the next few months and listen to my body. A part of me does want to try again not in the desperate way before Jack but your situation does give me pause. It’s all so unpredictable and yes life is precarious. We can all easily fall into those fine print scenarios which sometimes we choose to ignore.
I hope you are healing – emotionally and physically. *Hugs*
I’m so glad everything is over with your cycle. That had to be scary. It could have happened w/o IVF to though. I had my first consult on Monday. I’m kind of worried about the overstimulating and ovary torsion (where the ovary flips over because it’s so big and heavy). After reading your story I even asked them about the risk of ectopic pregnancy.
Actually Rachel, it couldn’t have happened for us without IVF. No IVF, no pregnancy. And IVF itself actually increases the risk of ectopics.
I’m not saying it wasn’t ever worth the risk for me. It was. Just not anymore.
Wow…I am so sorry that this cycle turned out to be so difficult. Adam was already the biggest prize you could have ever won and everything else would have been gravy.
Many of us don’t think about (or put blinders on) to all the risks of any kind of cycle. It’s hard to think about anything but the end goal.
I am glad you are ok and I am certain it will be a long road to recovery but thank goodness you are ok.
That’s a resolute and important place you’ve arrived at. And it matters that you’ve honored it so, here. Cheers to Adam and to your family and how much you are holding–and can hold–onto that right now with some joy amidst the pain of recovery.
With the risk vs reward question, it’s a tough one, and in hindsight easier to figure out. Your questions have been answered. Your ectopic sounded miserable, much worse that my “run of the mill” ectopic of this summer. I hope you find your place of peace. You may find and lose it a couple of times before reaching your mental destination. I’m thinking of you, Adam and Dan.
That’s beautiful – that last paragraph.
I understand what you are saying. The risks are certainly there and can’t be ignored. I don’t know if having the answer to “what if” will be worth it in time…I hope once there is some distance between what you’ve just been through it will help alleviate some of the emotional pain. Having that hanging out there…I think it would eat away at me.
To me, having a baby was always more important than wondering if IVF meds would leave a lasting effect on my body for years to come or worrying about whether something life threatening would come of a cycle. I needed to not think about that, because I had to keep going.
WOW.
I am sitting here, just stunned. I guess I have never had anyone state it so clearly….
That is exactly how I feel, you know? I am still dealing with what happened that September day…hearing, “You might die, we’re not sure,” was so scary. Watching Scott and the kids walk out of the waiting room was so scary. And all we did was get pregnant.
I am still angry about losing the tube, but then I think about nearly dying…and I remember lying on that table, thinking about Lucy and Asher growing up without Mama.
Now, knowing that I also have Factor V AND MTHRFR, that’s a lot to think about…the risk/reward thing really comes into play when you’re faced with reality that you nearly died.
I wish I could be so resolute in my answer as you.
It’s so frustrating.
An ectopic is very scary and very dangerous. It’s one of those real mysteries of IVF, too. They always say that the uterine lining is like a “peanut butter sandwich” and that we shouldn’t worry about our embryos sliding out of us. You know, WE ALL panic after our transfers.
But if it is truly like a peanut butter sandwich, how the hell do they go sliding off into your fallopian tubes??? It is something that they should discuss as a risk as I’ve know a number of women who have had ectopics after IVF. Many have lost tubes in emergency surgeries. I am glad that yours didn’t result in that but I wish that you didn’t have to go through this at all. I am sorry that your path to a 2nd child has ended in a scare and result like this. But it’s good that you know where your boundaries are at and that this is where you walk away. I wish I knew where mine were.
Yes, I wish I knew why my embryo decided to take a jaunt up into my tube, too. Unfortunately, I am one of those unlucky women who lost a tube in an emergency surgery. Lot’s of unanswerable questions, but that’s how it goes with IVF.
I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. I am so happy that you made it through and that you have sweet Adam. Wishing you lots of peace.
Amanda, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through these past few weeks (heck, these past several YEARS!) And I’m terribly sorry for the etopic. As always, it sounds like you’ve come around to a stoic place about all of this. Taking care of yourself to be there for Adam and Dan are the most important things, as you know.
Sorry, again, for your latest loss. And for everything.
Teena
Adam is a cutie pie, and it’s amazing how one little soul can make someone feel so needed and so much more complete. I am so glad you made it out alive and in one piece. Yeah, we never think it could happen to us. Everything in life requires risk, and it doesn’t make sense how someone with a simple request will get into that percentile whereas those out there who are often reckless will come out unscathed.
But, I know what you mean…when we did IVF, I had my eyes on the prize. I didn’t care about anything else, because this was our only chance with our severe severe MF. I too had an ectopic scare early into the pg., but it turned out I had experienced ovarian torsion. It was the most painful thing that last for about 2 full days before (by the grace of God) it twisted back into its correct position. Otherwise, it might have meant removing that ovary if the blood flow cut off too long. On top of that, I had a bout of OHSS. So, yeah, those of us without FF infertility, we’re really putting our bodies through the ringer when biologically (from our end), there really is no need.
I’m glad you’re find peace and closure. Big hugs and love to you!
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