My New Plan B April 30, 2010
Every time I cycled pre-Adam, I had a Plan B in place. It was the only way I could get through it, knowing that there was something else waiting on the other side if it didn’t work. The same can be said this time around, although my new Plan B has not a thing to do with the reproductive system.
I knew that if our one and only post-Adam cycle failed, I’d need a change. I was right. I need to move in a different direction, and I think I am. We’re putting our house on the market soon and moving closer to the city center. Right now we live in the burbs, and I need something else.
Our house is nice, don’t get me wrong, but a house with 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms is a house for a big family. That’s not us. I’ve come to accept that it won’t ever be us, so on we move.
It’s really important to me to provide Adam with as much as I can. I’d love to be nearer to museums and the zoo and all the fun stuff that’s close in. Not to mention the fact that Dan works downtown, and we even drive in every weekend to do our grocery shopping.
So, that’s why I haven’t been posting. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to. It’s just because I’ve been busy. It is hard work getting a house ready to be put on the market, and I can only do so much during Adam’s nap time each day. (Although, I have to say that Adam is a fantastic helper when it comes to organization. He’s all about helping me do the “get the house ready projects.”)
It’s been good, though, really good. I always love a good project, and this is a pretty darn good one. It’s been the transition I’ve needed from “what could have been” to “what will be.”
There’s still a lot to do, although it seems like I’ve been working on this for quite a while. I actually started getting things going when the first pee stick was negative. The crazy betas and ectopic madness didn’t stop me from getting things moving. Heck, Adam and I were going through the house purging things we no longer needed while I had a time bomb ticking in me.
I’m not quite sure what I’ll do once it’s all done, but right now I’m enjoying the process. Yes, I’m exhausted, but it’s a good exhausted. Maybe it’s not what we planned, but things don’t always work out like you had originally hoped. All you can do is make the best of the situation, and it honestly feels like I’m doing even more than that. It feels like the fresh start we need right now.
Has It Really Been Six Years? April 19, 2010
I started this blog six years ago today. I can hardly believe I’ve been writing here that long.
Man, I’ve been through a lot in that time. When I started this blog we hadn’t even started IVF. Oh, we had been at the infertility thing for a while, but in hindsight we were just getting going.
It’s hard for me to tally it all up. I mean, really, who wants to sum up a big list of crappy events? Surgeries, failed cycles, pregnancy losses, and life threatening experiences don’t make the best set of bullet points. Despite all of the crap, despite our recent setbacks, despite the total hell we went through, I hope our happy ending (even though I see it more as a beginning) prevails throughout my writing.
I am lucky to have this space. I am lucky to have this community. And most of all, I am lucky to have come out on the other side with a fantastic little man.
So, thank you. Thank you to all of you who have shared in any of the past six years. I really appreciate it.
One Last Appointment April 13, 2010
Today I went in for my post op follow up. It was not fun to walk into my clinic again. That waiting room will never just be a waiting room for me. It’s the place where I flopped down on a sofa and moaned while my tube was bursting.
The follow up with my RE was fine. It was pretty uneventful. He just wanted to make sure I was healing ok. He said my incisions looked fine, etc.
He showed me the pictures from my surgery. They were pretty bad. My tube was huge and filled with blood, and there was blood spilling out everywhere. And then I got to look at the picture of my now tubeless right side. At least that one was all neat and bloodless.
So, I shook his hand and said that I wouldn’t be back. Then I walked out of the clinic and held back my tears. For such an easy appointment compared to so many that I’ve had, it wasn’t really all that easy.
The Occasional Sting April 9, 2010
I’m dealing well with everything that happened most of the time. I’m living my life, keeping busy, and not stopping to think about how much everything sucked. 95% of me has moved on. Every now and again, though, I get stung.
This week I took Adam to the dentist and saw a little girl that was in one of his activity classes a year ago. I looked up and saw her mother’s pregnant belly.
I opened my mail a couple of days ago only to find that I have already received an astounding bill from the hospital for my surgery.
I sold one of Adam’s baby things to a woman who said, “I used to have this exact same one and sold it after my second son stopped using it. And then oops! We’re having another.”
I mentioned to Adam’s gymnastics teacher who asked about our whereabouts the past few weeks that I had had unexpected surgery only to look over to see one of the other moms rubbing her eight month pregnant belly.
My brother called to check on how I was recovering only to slip in that he was out on an icee mission, because pregnant SIL had a craving.
I stumbled across my IVF folder while I was cleaning up and opened it only to be faced with the picture of the embryos we transferred this cycle. I closed it and put it back down where it was.
As much as I want to just move the heck on with everything, I have to acknowledge the loss. If only because there will be things that will sting for who knows how long. I can’t expect the world to change for me.
I’m done wondering why, because there will never be any answers to that question. It’s frustrating that things had to happen the way the did, but honestly, I’m used to ending up with crappy luck.
I never expected this cycle to work given our history, yet I still hoped. Hope got her ass kicked this time around, and it’s going to take some time for healing.
I guess that’s what I need to remember. I think things will sting less as time goes on. One day, hopefully soon, I will have all of the baby gear cleared out. I won’t have to look at it longingly anymore. And heck, maybe even one day pregnant bellies won’t set me off. One can hope, right?
I think I just need to give myself permission to have those moments for a while, though. Those moments where I think, “Yes, this sucked. Yes, it hurt me both physically and emotionally. Yes, I shouldn’t have had to go through it.” If I allow myself that, and if I allow myself to acknowledge that things are going to sting, then I’ll be able to look on the flip side, the side that has a gained strength through this trial, the side that can see the good through the bad. And then I’ll know that I really am ok.
A Week Plus a Day April 5, 2010
So, I’m eight days post rupturing ectopic surgery nightmare. I’m doing a lot better today than I was a week ago as one might expect. I’m healing, physically and emotionally. I’m not 100% on either front, but I’m getting there.
It’s been hard, though. I’m pretty tough when it comes to physical pain, but this was pretty bad. The surgery quickly took care of the horrific ectopic pain, but then I was left with the post surgical pain. That wasn’t a heck of a lot of fun either. At least they gave me drugs.
I’m slowly but surely getting there. I can wear pants now, so that’s good. I still can’t bend over without pain, but give me another few days. My incisions hurt and are itchy, but those, too, will get better. (Although I’m not sure that my belly button will ever see the light of day again. That’s gonna be an ugly scar.)
It’s been challenging to take care of an active three year old on top of all of this recovery stuff, but I’m not complaining, because he’s what makes the emotional recovery easier. When I had pregnancy losses before Adam the world seemed to stop spinning. My life just stopped. Not this time. Life goes on, because I have to keep up with him!
I am mad that things ended this way, but I’m ok. I don’t think I would be ok if I didn’t have Adam. I’m thankful that he makes my heart feel so full that I don’t notice the new holes as much.
I know how lucky I am. I talked to my IVF nurse today to schedule my post op visit next week. She said that my RE was viewing my surgery pictures, and there was so much blood, a great deal more than was seen on ultrasound. I’m lucky to have walked away from it all in mostly one piece.
I’m attempting to move forward, because the alternative just isn’t ok with me. I cannot sit here and dwell on the fact that I lost a potential baby and could have lost my life. Yes, I can acknowledge it and try to process it, but I cannot let it consume me.
I’ve been keeping busy despite the physical setbacks. Adam and I have been working on lots of projects, something he and I both like to do.
I’m also in the process of clearing out Adam’s baby gear. I gave a bunch to my brother for his baby to be and have sold some more. The rest will be donated soon enough.
I need to move on. I need to move forward. The only alternative is to get stuck, and that is not where I want to be. I have a miracle of a little man who needs me, and I love being his mom too much to not keep putting one foot in front of the other.
The Aftermath April 2, 2010
So, it’s been five days since my surgery. It’s nice to be able to say that I am recovering.
The physical part of this has been hard. I was in a ton of pain from the ectopic before surgery and was in a ton of pain afterward because of the surgery itself. Every day has been better, but I’m still not 100%. My incisions are still really sore, and I’m still just moving slower than I usually do.
The physical side has been the hardest part of this whole cycle. Instead of being able to lay around all day when I was all bloated from stims or being able to hide under the covers when I felt like crap from the Methotrexate shot, I had an active little man to chase around. (I’m so not complaining, mind you.) And I’ve been on my own since yesterday taking care of Adam. It’s not exactly easy given my current condition.
On the flip side, however, the emotional aspect of all of this is easier this time around. And it’s easier for the same reason the physical stuff is harder, Adam. Yes, this ectopic sucked, but it honestly didn’t break my heart into a million pieces like my previous losses did. He makes my heart whole no matter what. I cannot ask for more than him.
I haven’t cried since I left the hospital, and those tears were tears of pain more than anything. I don’t think I’m in denial. I think I had already grieved. I started when I saw those negative pregnancy tests. I continued when I saw those low betas. I had known it was bad news from the beginning. I had already closed the door.
Yes, I’m mad it turned out this way, but I am ok. I have to be. Unlike before, life goes on. It never really felt that way when I had failed cycle or pregnancy loss before Adam. Life stopped. The earth stopped spinning. It’s not like that now, though, and I’m thankful. I am sad that things didn’t work out the way we had hoped, but I am still so thankful for what we have and what lies ahead.
I think mostly, right now, I just feel sad for Adam. He will never know what it’s like to have a sibling. I know having a sibling isn’t always a recipe for a great relationship, but he’ll never even get the chance. I know he’ll be fine as an only child. It’s just a different road, ya know. It takes adjustment on everyone’s part.
I am doing things to start that adjustment process, to start moving on. I have already sorted through, photographed, and listed all of Adam’s baby gear for sale (the things that my brother didn’t want for his baby to be.) It’s hard to let go, but it’s also important to move forward.
I’ve always thought it was important for me to keep going, to keep moving, after a cycle. This time I’m not moving towards another cycle, but I am still moving forward.
I’m not really starting down a new road even though it feels like it a bit. We’re actually still on the same path we were before. I guess we just took a little detour there for a while. It will take some navigating to get back on track, but as long as we just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, we’ll be just fine.