Manana Banana

parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

• Home

The Aftermath April 2, 2010

So, it’s been five days since my surgery. It’s nice to be able to say that I am recovering.

The physical part of this has been hard. I was in a ton of pain from the ectopic before surgery and was in a ton of pain afterward because of the surgery itself. Every day has been better, but I’m still not 100%. My incisions are still really sore, and I’m still just moving slower than I usually do.

The physical side has been the hardest part of this whole cycle. Instead of being able to lay around all day when I was all bloated from stims or being able to hide under the covers when I felt like crap from the Methotrexate shot, I had an active little man to chase around. (I’m so not complaining, mind you.) And I’ve been on my own since yesterday taking care of Adam. It’s not exactly easy given my current condition.

On the flip side, however, the emotional aspect of all of this is easier this time around. And it’s easier for the same reason the physical stuff is harder, Adam. Yes, this ectopic sucked, but it honestly didn’t break my heart into a million pieces like my previous losses did. He makes my heart whole no matter what. I cannot ask for more than him.

I haven’t cried since I left the hospital, and those tears were tears of pain more than anything. I don’t think I’m in denial. I think I had already grieved. I started when I saw those negative pregnancy tests. I continued when I saw those low betas. I had known it was bad news from the beginning. I had already closed the door.

Yes, I’m mad it turned out this way, but I am ok. I have to be. Unlike before, life goes on. It never really felt that way when I had failed cycle or pregnancy loss before Adam. Life stopped. The earth stopped spinning. It’s not like that now, though, and I’m thankful. I am sad that things didn’t work out the way we had hoped, but I am still so thankful for what we have and what lies ahead.

I think mostly, right now, I just feel sad for Adam. He will never know what it’s like to have a sibling. I know having a sibling isn’t always a recipe for a great relationship, but he’ll never even get the chance. I know he’ll be fine as an only child. It’s just a different road, ya know. It takes adjustment on everyone’s part.

I am doing things to start that adjustment process, to start moving on. I have already sorted through, photographed, and listed all of Adam’s baby gear for sale (the things that my brother didn’t want for his baby to be.) It’s hard to let go, but it’s also important to move forward.

I’ve always thought it was important for me to keep going, to keep moving, after a cycle. This time I’m not moving towards another cycle, but I am still moving forward.

I’m not really starting down a new road even though it feels like it a bit. We’re actually still on the same path we were before. I guess we just took a little detour there for a while. It will take some navigating to get back on track, but as long as we just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, we’ll be just fine.

• Posted in : IVF Part 8: the 2nd time around
• Author : amanda

• Feeds

• Full
• Comments