The Occasional Sting April 9, 2010
I’m dealing well with everything that happened most of the time. I’m living my life, keeping busy, and not stopping to think about how much everything sucked. 95% of me has moved on. Every now and again, though, I get stung.
This week I took Adam to the dentist and saw a little girl that was in one of his activity classes a year ago. I looked up and saw her mother’s pregnant belly.
I opened my mail a couple of days ago only to find that I have already received an astounding bill from the hospital for my surgery.
I sold one of Adam’s baby things to a woman who said, “I used to have this exact same one and sold it after my second son stopped using it. And then oops! We’re having another.”
I mentioned to Adam’s gymnastics teacher who asked about our whereabouts the past few weeks that I had had unexpected surgery only to look over to see one of the other moms rubbing her eight month pregnant belly.
My brother called to check on how I was recovering only to slip in that he was out on an icee mission, because pregnant SIL had a craving.
I stumbled across my IVF folder while I was cleaning up and opened it only to be faced with the picture of the embryos we transferred this cycle. I closed it and put it back down where it was.
As much as I want to just move the heck on with everything, I have to acknowledge the loss. If only because there will be things that will sting for who knows how long. I can’t expect the world to change for me.
I’m done wondering why, because there will never be any answers to that question. It’s frustrating that things had to happen the way the did, but honestly, I’m used to ending up with crappy luck.
I never expected this cycle to work given our history, yet I still hoped. Hope got her ass kicked this time around, and it’s going to take some time for healing.
I guess that’s what I need to remember. I think things will sting less as time goes on. One day, hopefully soon, I will have all of the baby gear cleared out. I won’t have to look at it longingly anymore. And heck, maybe even one day pregnant bellies won’t set me off. One can hope, right?
I think I just need to give myself permission to have those moments for a while, though. Those moments where I think, “Yes, this sucked. Yes, it hurt me both physically and emotionally. Yes, I shouldn’t have had to go through it.” If I allow myself that, and if I allow myself to acknowledge that things are going to sting, then I’ll be able to look on the flip side, the side that has a gained strength through this trial, the side that can see the good through the bad. And then I’ll know that I really am ok.
- Posted in : IVF Part 8: the 2nd time around
- Author : amanda
Comments»
There are so many crappy aspects to what you went through and what you are going to encounter in the form of people pregnant with #2 and beyond. And you do need to give yourself permission to wallow. You wouldn’t be human if those things didn’t set you off.
Sometimes I think sending virtual hugs is beyond corny, but sincerely…I wish I could give you a big hug.
I wish I could write like you do. I feel exactly the same. Doesn’t it hurt every single time you go to the park and see siblings, or babies, or preggo bellies? It really stings. If you find a way to move on, let me know.
The one thing we have gained, as you mentioned in another post, is the appretiation for our kids. We know they were our little miracles and we can devote ourselves to them. I find myself free to just adore my daughter without the restrictions of infertility. I am done trying, she’s everything to me. I won’t loose my temper because I’m worried about my cycle, ovulation, shots, results…I’ve gained perspective. They’re going to be spoiled brats, but very loved ones.
Thanks for your posts.
Stay strong.
I am a survivor of four miscarriages after my daughter. My last one was three years ago and my window for trying again is barely open and we are not. Most days I do fine but I told my husband that I will never get over it and I mean it. I will cope and I am so grateful for our daughter. But I don’t think it will ever quit stinging.
We are lucky though. We have our kids and I always said if she was all I had, she was enough. She is just so good that it makes me know what I am missing and that is what hurts.
Hi Amanda,
I found this to be a beautiful post and thinking over the years of reading your words I am so impressed with how you have dealt with everything and how these incredibly mind-bogglingly excruciatingly awful experiences have brought you so much wisdom and perspective and something like grace. Take your time grieving, it is such a personal process, and I don’t know that it ever quite ends. And should it? I remember meeting a woman whose husband died on an airplane unexpectedly (pre-defibrillators on planes) years ago but she shared with me that anytime anyone complained about their husband, she felt a pang. And my heart just went out to her. (And I stopped complaining about my husband!) The infertility community has been such a support to me, especially when I was trying to conceive, but even now that we have a little girl in our lives who is the best fit I could ever imagine and way cuter than anything my or my husband’s genes could have come up with, I–like you and others here–can still feel a mix of emotions, not always joyful, when I hear or see of another’s pregnancy or new addition. The Internet community helps with these unwelcome feelings, reminds me that it’s real, it’s OK, and I’m not the only one. It hurts, still, yet like you said, years later, most of the time I can see the good through the bad.
I wish you peace, I wish you the best.
Oh Amanda, it’s just so hard, isn’t it? You’re doing amazingly well but it’s very new, very raw right now, I’d give yourself lots and lots of time. And as Cathy says, it’s not something that ever goes away completely, you just learn how to bear it.
Big hugs from me! You write so beautifully, Amanda. My DH always refers to women as “crapping out babies”. In so many cases, this metaphor totally fits. I still feel the sting (not nearly as badly as you) even though we were blessed with multiples, because we’ve been robbed of the choice to have more. It’s a violation of a basic, human, maternal need and instinct. Psychologically, it’s a killer. We must somehow count our blessings and figure out what is healthiest psychologically for ourselves, not what anyone else thinks is right for us. Adam’s leading such a happy life with you, and he wants his mommy to be happy. But, you must mourn this past loss and the loss of choice too in order to reach that better place. I definitely want you to find peace and happiness in whatever form it manifests itself. And again, I feel so “jipped” for you, so please vent away and do whatever it takes to heal.
Grief is so personal – but time does help soothe the hurt, regardless of how much we are hurting right now.
We have 2 beautiful children, we are blessed beyond measure to have our little family, we know first hand how miraculous adoption can be… I don’t have to turn away from babies anymore and I don’t wince when someone shares the news of their pregnancy… Time helped me heal.
But, just the other day, someone who didn’t know about our adoptions went on and on about how beautiful our children are (which is so true :)) and how lucky we were to have a boy and a girl (again, true) and how much they looked like their dad and me… sting…
Thinking of you.
Amanda – the sting will be there for a while. I was the low beta, identical twins. I had a missed miscarriage right before your ectopic. No miracle low beta here. I am so disappointed for you, for me. My hope is to savor each moment, each day with my boys, as you will with your son. I feel your pain.
Oh Amanda – I know, I felt it too – oh especially the pregnant bellies right after (right after includes months after!) miscarriages – it’s awful, sucks, blows chunks and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it. But you’re dead on – allow yourself your feelings and time will help the hurt – it did for me (I thought I was done for a year and was doing ok/really starting to heal – I still don’t know what made me cycle again). I think knowing you’re done helps too.
Lots of vodka to you.
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